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Hot diggity dog! Another guest review!
Ficbitches
ficbitches
Hi again, readers. While there's much amusement going on in some of the entries below this one, we have come to the realization that we haven't done much in the way of actual FIC reviews recently. Fortunately, a kind soul named Zarla just sent us a guest review. This fic might not damage your brain, but it probably will induce vomiting.

Harry Potter :: Hermione's New Self

Reviewed by: Zarla


SCORE
PLOT: 1/5 (Hogwarts 90210)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (Tart!Hermione, Playboy!Draco, EVIL!Harry...)
WRITING: 2/5 (It's not TOO hideous, although she does misspell Gryffindor...)
GETTING DRUNK AND BEING A SLUT LEADING TO MARRIAGE AND ETERNAL LOVE: 7/5



Let it be known first that I enjoy Harry Potter greatly. I've read the books at least once and seen the movies. However, I'm not a huge bookhumping Harry Potter fanatic, so there are minor canonical points that I may glance over or forget. However, I believe this fic would, whether or not you had any knowledge of Harry Potter, be just as hideous.
For the life of me, I will never understand this fascination with giving characters superficial makeovers. It's been done to death in teen movie after teen movie without any kind of new twist. Maybe someone gets pregnant. Maybe someone commits suicide. It's all the same. Hermione has always seemed to me to be a well-adjusted girl who enjoys her intelligence. She's a nerd and she's proud of it, and good for her! That's why I like Hermione so much. She knows what's important. But apparently, nerd!Hermione is boring AND NEEDS A MAKEOVER!

Hermione looked at herself in the mirror; she had lost weight over the summer. Her fashion sense had changed and she had started to wear figure-hugging tops and hipsters, short skirts and knee high boots. She had even managed to tame her hair into big, full ringlets. She was even wearing make up

I don't recall Hermione ever being mentioned as chubby. I weep for my generation's obsession with thinness. But WHY is Hermione suddenly a tart and also suddenly "overweight?" Why, we have your answer right here...

It was all due to her new friend. [...] Her name was Naomi, and she had given Hermione a make over. A smile crept onto her slightly glossed lips when she thought of Harry and Ron's expressions when they met up on the train the next day.

Enter Sue number Two. I'm afraid Hermione, throughout this fic, was the first victim. No longer recognizable, Tart!Hermione has burrowed into Canon!Hermione's body, eaten her brain, and now wanders around acting like her, but hiding something so much more insidious. Much like in Eternal Darkness, only with less crazy.

"Oh, 'Mione, I'm gonna miss you SO much when you leave." Hermione smiled at her friend's affections, and assured her she would be home next summer. "But it won't be the same, 'Mione, I'll write to you everyday." Hermione smiled at this, she had managed to teach her friend about Owl Post, telling her she found it a great way of sending post to her friends quickly.

Hermione doesn't need a nickname. I wonder how she taught her friend about Owl Post without mentioning wizards. I imagine that would have been awkward. Oh, don't forget, this author loves twists and surprises, so don't forget about Naomi! She'll be important later (but I didn't say that!) At any rate, Tart!Hermione parades around in some red hipsters and a black strappy top as she makes her way to the station. Ron and Harry are struck dumb and Draco and Hermione pre-flirt by smiling coyly at each other and trading smirky insults, which is such a SUBTLE clue as to how their relationship will progress. It is too late for Draco as well. The Stu-Bonethief has climbed into his body as well, transforming our familiar Snobbybrat!Draco into...dun dun dun...PLAYBOY!DRACO. A good example would be the fact that Draco allows Hermione to insult him and somehow make all the wax from his hair came loose and pour[...] down his face, leaving his hair messed up. (Draco waxes his hair now. He gets great mileage!) Draco's response?

He smirked and flicked his wand until his hair was back into perfect position. "I'll see you later, Granger." With that he swaggered out, his lackeys following behind.

As you can see, the bonethieves have all but taken over. Hogwart's must stink of vanilla. Hermione wanders around her room and sends another letter to Naomi (Don't forget her SHE'S IMPORTANT) and goes for a nightly walk.

She walked over to the lake, and followed it along to a garden she had never seen before. [..] There was a party of slytherins playing loud music and drinking beer. She assumed that they had cast a soundproofing spell on the perimeter to avoid the wrath of the teachers, and, obviously, gatecrashers. The benches were covered in slytherin couples making out and, sitting on the fountain right in the middle, was Draco Malfoy.

How can Hermione hear them with a soundproof spell?
Soshi: I wouldn't want to see ANY Slytherins making out. They've NEVER been described as pretty. What is it, Goyle making out with female Goyle? Tons of toads copulating on the front lawn?

"Well, what do we have here, a Gryfindor gatecrasher. Come in and join the party, Granger." He took her hand and led her over to the fountain. At this Pansy huffed very loudly and went off with the guy trying to get her attention. Draco watched her go with amusement, then turned to Hermione. "Join the party, Granger." He handed her a beer, and she looked scandalised. But his cruel look of amusement stirred up her pride, and she took the drink and drank it. "Good Girl." He smiled and took her hand.

Hermione's a real lightweight apparently and blacks out the rest of the night, except remembering someone dancing with her and smelling of sweet aftershave. Yes, aftershave. It's what 'o clock at night and Draco smells of aftershave? Oops, she danced with Draco. Did I ruin that STUNNING PLOT TWIST? Shame on me. She also sleeps through two classes. Hermione missing classes and not caring, to me, seems the equivalent of Snape running by in a pink tutu shrieking his undying love for Mr. Weasely. Hermione makes up the brilliant excuse of "studying in the library" but her friends are onto her, mainly because she reeks. She tarts herself up again as if nothing happened and walks around, wondering why she can't remember anything omg. Playboy!Malfoy hits on her later, reminding her that they did indeed do a SCANDALOUS SLOW DANCE :O and that alcohol wipes your brain of all conscious thought. He leans in reeeeeal close, and Hermione is paralyzed by his aftershave aroma. Try and picture that without giggling terribly.

Draco says they're having another party. Hermione goes with the classic uke defense of "I won't go. No. But....yes!" and goes anyway. Thank you, teen movie!
Draco had been waiting for her, and he did look hot, she had to admit, in his baggy jeans and tight black top.

Draco's a gangsta, yo.

He handed her a bottle filled with a clear liquid. The label read 'Smirnoff Black Ice." She looked at him quizzically and he shrugged and drank some of his beer. "I thought you might like it." She sniffed it and it smelt pleasant enough, so she started to drink it.

As my friend Xel said, what is it about Smirnoff Black Ice that makes it the drink of choice for slutty teen authors everywhere? It's depressingly common.
Soshi: I'd like to make the comment that there is NO ALCOHOL ON THIS EARTH that smells good.
I find it shocking that Draco of all people is drinking this. You'd think he'd have some snooty pureblood hooch like "McAlliwhatsis's Memoryraping Old Tyme Sauce" or something like that. Hermione sure is trusting of old bratty, narcissistic, mudblood-hating, snobby, Gryffindor-hating Malfoy now. I'M SURE THIS WON'T COME BACK TO HAUNT HER LATER :O Anyway, they scandalously slow dance again, Hermione blacks out and covers it up the next day, and Draco again informs her that there's another party the next night. The Slytherins officially have way too much time. Ron and Harry disapprove, but Tart!Hermione cares not for her normal non-slut friends. Hermione asks why Draco is doing this. Why, to get into your pants my dear. Even Draco tells her that he "thought that obvious." Hermione agonizes about her budding relationship with Draco that she can barely remember, but goes to the party anyway.

As usual, Draco was waiting for her, and when she arrived, he gave her a yet again new drink. This one was green and it said on the label 'Bicardi Breezer'. She it tentatively, Draco smiled and said, "You're favourite flavour." It smelt of lime, which was her favourite. She had no time to ask him how he knew that because he suddenly drew her into his arms and started kissing her neck.

More incredibly common drinks and another side-comment from Soshi that there's no way a lime flavored alcoholic drink would SMELL OF LIME. Pansy throws a fit because OMG SHE AND DRACO WERE GOING OUT! but Draco breaks the terrible news to her. He never loved her! He wants a girl with BRAINS now! Hermione has a rush of slut and hugs Draco to show Pansy that she is indeed intelligent and can hug someone from behind without falling over. Considering how "wasted" she is at this point, that is something of an accomplishment. So after Pansy storms off, Draco and Hermione make out against a wall. Hermione has some more pseudo-angst about their relationship but gets over it because Draco's hot. Draco flies away with her to HIS OWN PERSONAL CASTLE. I'm not joking.

"My parents bought this castle for me so that I had somewhere to go if I wanted to get out of that school for a while." He smiled to himself at her wide-eyed awe of such a big residence, and took her hand, leading her inside. "This is my bedroom." He chose not to notice Hermione flush red at his double king size four poster bed. [...] There was a breathtaking view of the hundred acre immaculate garden.

I mean...jesus. My brain exploded. Also, Draco has house elves. Canon!Hermione struggles to break the hold of her OOC-Bonethief and mentions she disapproves of House Elves. However, Draco calms her by saying, "The house elves here have the run of the place usually. All they have to do is make the food and drink I desire when I come. An easy life." Somehow, this makes Hermione happy. It is too late for canon now. Far too late.

Anyway, they drink chocolate, make out, Hermione's boob gets touched, and they go back to the party. Hermione blacks out (as usual) and wakes up to Ron. Ron states he's very worried about Hermione drinking herself stupid and cares about her. A lot actually. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU? Oh wait, never mind. I saw this movie on Lifetime once. Twice. FIFTY BILLION TIMES. Hermione regrets becoming a tart for two seconds and gets over it. She tells Draco about Ron and then they make out some more while no one is watching. But oh my god oh my GOD you're not going to BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

The noise died down as Dumbledore rose. When there was complete silence, he spoke. "Today we welcome a new student, who will be joining us in the fifth year." He waited patiently as the excited whisper rose then died down again. "Please welcome, Naomi Herdler." Hermione almost choked on the piece of toast she was eating. She scarcely could believe her eyes as her new friend walked up to Dumbledore, who sat her down and placed the sorting hat on her head. After a minute or so, the sorting hat shouted "Slytherin!" and Naomi took her place on the slytherin table. Hermione sighed, four days into the school year and she was already in a total mess. Welcome to being a sixteen-year-old.

Because god, getting drunk at night and having relationship troubles is so much worse then, say, being attacked by VOLDEMORT OR SOMETHING. Ron and Harry again state that they disapprove of Hermione's new stupid lifestyle, and Hermione walks off because SHE CAN'T FACE HER FEELINGS OMG. Draco shows up with Naomi attached to his arm. Hermione angsts. These oh-so-clever plot-twists are making me nauseous. Ugh. Draco shows up, they have a heart-felt talk in the park where Draco reveals he wants an intelligent woman who will challenge him and get drunk and let him feel her up laugh at his jokes. I'm sorry, but I can't imagine Draco EVER wanting a girlfriend that was his equal. He's far too obsessed with himself. Simpering sycophants are all I can ever see him having a lasting relationship with. That and his bodyguards. But somehow, Hermione buys this tripe.

Anyway, Naomi shows up at the Gryffindor Tower and drags Hermione off to the Slytherin common room. Tee hee, what rogues! Spin-the-Bottle is played and somehow transforms into Truth-or-Dare (some new variation?) and Draco is dared to kiss Hermione. They dry-hump and kiss and it's oh-so-magical. My jaw hurts from all this yawning I'm doing. Here's where it begins to get somewhat creepy. Hermione goes to YET ANOTHER party, gets drunk, remembers nothing. Fairly typical considering this fic's record. But lo! Where does she wake up?

Hermione woke to a huge headache. She squinted up to the canopy of her bed and immediately realised something was seriously wrong. The problem was that it wasn't, it wasn't the canopy of her bed. She looked about her, the bed was the wrong size, it was the largest bed she'd ever seen. Also, there was someone lying next to her, their arm around her waist and their hot breath tickling the back of her neck. She sat up immediately. She was in the huge bed at Draco's castle, and so was Draco. Memories of the night before came back to her, and she stared at Draco with horror of their actions.

Date-rape!Draco.

Oh, Draco always carries condoms with him too. Because god knows he has SO MUCH SEX with Harry Snape HISOWNFATHER Ron Ginny DUMBLEDORE OTHER PEOPLE. But this can only get so much worse.

"No one has to know anything! Draco, we've been gone the whole night, someone's going to suspect us. Also, that was, sort of my first, you know, time." She plucked the covers awkwardly, avoiding his stare. But he simply leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mine too." She stared at him surprised, it was all over the school that him and Pansy were always going at it- "I may have been a jerk to her, but I would never of-" he broke into her thoughts, trying to find the words. "I just always thought sex should only be between two people who are really in love." He stared at her intently, and ran his fingers through her hair. She lay on her side, running her index finger over his muscled chest. "Who would have thought it, Draco Malfoy, an old romantic." She said teasingly. His eyes grew malicious and teasing. "Who would have thought it, Hermione Granger, a whore." She hit him and he retaliated by sealing his mouth over hers in a blissfully passionate kiss.

Does anyone find this thought incredibly DISTURBING rather then romantic? Draco's first time is with drunken!Hermione. And he KNOWS she doesn't remember things when she's drunk. Draco doesn't even regret it either. And Hermione doesn't feel bad about it. Does this strike anyone else as very VERY WRONG?

Anyway, Draco takes Hermione home and is confronted by Ron again, who tries to put some moves on her. She tells him she's involved with someone, she can't say who, but five minutes later Naomi breaks it to him anyway. Ron runs off to cry like a little girl. Hermione runs to Draco and tells him what happened. They hug and cuddle but at the expense of Hermione's EVER SO IMPORTANT SOCIAL LIFE. With all this social drama, when does Hermione go to class? Ron and Harry ask her WHY WHY WHY DRACO and Hermione responds by saying she loves him and then making out with him in the Great Hall in front of everyone. Yay, Tart!Hermione. Hermione hates everyone who's judging her unfairly and doesn't care that her reputation is ruined. She goes to class, TRAGEDY ENSUES.

"Look, I've had enough of this, what is your problem with me and Hermione dating? Is it that you wanted her? Well get over it, Weasley, she's with me, and I'm not going to let you make her cry again." Ron was astonished by this outburst. He looked from Hermione to Malfoy, then shook his head. "I won’t believe it, Malfoy, she couldn’t like anyone like you. You've given her a potion and made her into your whore." He said, spitefully. Hermione gasped at this statement, and Malfoy looked at her, then he looked back at Ron, and punched him in the face.

No Crabbe and Goyle to do his punching for him? Sadly, that's what bothers me most about this. Hermione begins hating all Gryffindors and spends a great deal of time in the Slytherin Common Room where everyone loves her and eats cookies and has happy funtime drunken parties. Hermione wants to get back at everybody, so she gets really drunk again and goes and harasses everyone in the Gryffindor Common Room with slightlydrunken!Draco. Getting Drunk! Your solution to everything!

By the way, there's a hangover spell called "Sobriety." I'm thankful at least that it's not "Incurrumus Sobrietiosis!" or something as equally lame.

She runs off with Draco again. Ron and Harry have a fight with her and she promises not to go the next party. Which in Tart!Hermione language means she will go to the party. And lo and behold, Draco is making out with Naomi! OH NO! WHO SAW THAT COMING? Hermione gets drunk again and runs out into the woods. Harry and Ron meet up with her because they were having sex in the woods they were stalking her.

She was in shock; they could both see it. Harry looked to Ron and got out his wand. Hermione shrank away from them like a puppy that had been scorned. "What are you going to do to me?" Ron sank down to her level and ran his fingers through her hair comfortingly. "Help you." He nodded to Harry, who pointed his wand at Hermione and said "Imperio" The torment that had racked her body disappeared and she floated dreamily in the clouds. Someone told her to mount a broom and she did so happily, ignorant of the world around her.

WHICH broom? Harry's broom? Ron's broom? Did she riiiide that broom all night? Was her bottom sore in the morning from brooom riding? Did those brooms viiiiibrate when she rode them? She certainly enjoyed it though. XD

How on EARTH does Harry know Imperio? And doesn't that only take control of your body, not your mind? Ron and Harry mind-control Hermione to actually act in-character unintentionally. The irony here is hilarious. Draco gets her out of class by telling Hermione's teacher that Dumbledore has an award for her. Or something. Draco tries his playboy act and Hermione resists and acts suspicious of him. It's funny and sad all at once.

He stared into her eyes, and saw no pain, anger or love in her eyes. It was as if she didn't even know they had been going out. "You don’t know?" "Well, no. I should think, seeming as Professor Dumbledore obviously hasn't got an award for me, that you have thought up some horrible trick to humiliate me for being a Mudblood." That blow knocked the wind out of him; he almost doubled over in pain. She saw the pain and her expression turned to one of concern. "Malfoy, are you feeling alright?" "You seriously don't remember do you? What have they done to you?" He went to run his fingers through her perfect hair, but restrained himself. "Look, you’re scaring me now. I'm going back to my class." With that she left. Leaving him watching her confused.

Looks like Canon!Hermione finally won out! But I'm sorry, so very sorry. It won't last long. Anyway, Hermione under mind control falls for Ron. Oh deary me, oh no. Ron feels bad about it and goes to fight with Harry, who at this point reminds me strongly of Gendo from Evangelion. He sits there and tells Ron that they both cast the curse and they'll both get caught and taken by dementors, and Harry knows Ron hates dementors. Pardon me but wouldn't HARRY POTTER have more of a reason to be afraid of those things then RON? This is where Evil!Harry begins to show up for very little reason. He tells Ron to play it up with Hermione so Draco will get the message. Ron does with some reservations. Draco angsts. Draco confronts Ron, Hermione screams on the sidelines, Ron spills the beans.

"You would think so, huh?" Draco glared at Ron. "This idiot was jealous and put a spell on you." "It was Harry." The pair jumped at Ron's whisper. "What?" Hermione looked hard at him. "What was Harry?" "It was Harry who did the spell, I told him not to, but he made me date her." It sounded as if Ron's vocal chords had shut down in protest of the disloyal act; his voice was no more than a whisper. "Oh, the sacrifices of friendship." Draco said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Hey excuse me here Ron, but I don't remember you exactly protesting when Harry said "Imperio" now. Unless it was telepathically because of all the buttsex in the woods while they talking about plans to stalk Hermione. Hermione doesn't believe it and skips off to merrily go throw up in the toilet. Off to the medical wing with you!

And there our final SHOCKING PLOT TWIST! My god HERMIONE'S PREGNANT! DUN DUN DUN! ::lightning flash::

"[...]What am I supposed to say to her?" "Tell her the truth, you can't hide from her the fact that she is pregnant." Harry looked at him over the top of his glasses, not a hard feat, seeming as Ron was about a foot taller then him, but it gave Ron the impression that Harry thought him stupid. "And who shall I say is the father? God? Shall I tell her that she is the next Virgin Mary? Or shall I tell her the whole truth? That her baby is the spawn of Satan?"

I'm sorry, I'm sure that should have been very dramatic and emotional, but it's simply hilarious. Try reading it out loud in a flowery, french poet voice. Ron goes to tell Hermione, Hermione denies everything and says she'd never drink because she's not stupid. Go, Imperio!Hermione. But she casts the pregnancy detection spell (why does she even know this?) "Foetus Primorti" and keeps coming up positive. I wonder if they have an abortion spell. "Foetus Expulsium!" The baby would just SHOOT out. Hermione angsts because she can't remember and cries a lot. Then she goes to the Astronomy Tower. There's only one thing people do at the Astronomy Tower, and it's NOT studying. Draco finds out she's pregnant and zips up there on his broom while Hermione stands dramatically over the railing of the boat over the ledge in the tower. She feels like a whore because she blacks out and it makes her pregnant. OMG waaa. Draco tries to get her to stop, then gives up because she said mean things that made him cry.

Draco could hardly speak, his heart was shattered, falling invisible to her eyes, and resting with her tears. "Do it," he said hoarsely. "What?" "Just...jump. Make it easier on both of us. If you really feel that way, then I can't stop you." He sat back and let out a mirthless laugh. "You know I actually thought you and me could do the distance. I thought we had a future together, it made me happy ...for a while.

Disney's Hercules flashbacks here. Draco stands there and Hermione sets off for her appointment with the ground. SUDDENLY, Draco has an epiphany that he REALLY WANTS THAT BABY AND WANTS TO BE A FATHER! So he zips down and catches her. Somehow this brings her free from Imperio. They profess their undying love for eachother and fly off into the sunset.

I WISH that was the end.

Hermione remembers that Draco felt up Naomi and goes to angst about it. Meanwhile she yells at Ron for using her under the Imperio curse like that, because she doesn't like people using her body while she can't do anything unless you're Draco. She then forgives him and focuses all of her hate towards Harry, because he's obviously entirely to blame for this whole mess. Hermione cries into her old friend the toilet bowl while Draco tells her that he loves her and will give up his tons of money and heritage for his precious sixteen-year-old hooker girlfriend. She forgives him. Days pass where absolutely nothing of interest happens.

Naomi immediately took the seat next to his and stared into his eyes. 'Yuck,' he thought. 'Why are Slytherin girl's so needy? Give me a Gryfindor any day.' Then he inwardly laughed at he, Draco Malfoy, putting Gryfindor's above his own kind. Not that surprising, really, considering the circumstances.

RIP Draco Malfoy.

Ron and Hermione wander around aimlessly for a while and WHO SHOULD APPEAR?

In the short silence that followed, a cold, mirthless laugh sounded. "Why look for him? He's right here." Harry stepped out from behind a tree into the moonlight. "I was hoping to find you here." His appearance was scary, his robes were ripped, it looked as if he had been digging his fingernails into his sleeves and shredding them. His hair was sticking up more then usual, but what was most scary were his eyes. Perfectly calm and focused, as was his smile.

It's...THE HEAD VAMPIRE FROM THE LOST BOYS! Only an 80's vampire with ridiculous hair could muster up so much cheesy melodrama! Anyway, Harry acts ridiculously out of character and tells them that Voldemort taught him how to battle and that he will DESTROY THEM...with his own BARE HANDS! or something to that effect.

"Fool." He lifted his own wand. "Crucio." The jet of black light sped towards Hermione and she panicked, but her sense took over and she quickly cast a shield spell, which made the curse bounce of her and hit a statue in by the lake, which disintegrated. Her heart quickened as she did this, she wondered why she was so surprised at this action, it wasn't like he hadn't used a forbidden curse on her before. She had no time for reflection though, a jet of purple light hit her across the forehead, searing her skin and making her fall to the floor, gasping for breath. "Granger might be best in lessons, but Potter wins in the battle!" Harry was standing over her, he raised his wand. "Avada Kedreva" the dreaded green light shot towards her, and she rolled out of the way, the curse making a hole in the ground where she had fallen.

I'm not the best at curses and wizard battles, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it works. Anyway, Harry finally pegs her with a Crucio and Hermione screams a lot. Draco, through their everlasting love, knows her screams from everyone else's and runs to her rescue. Didn't think anyone could get anymore OOC?

From above her Harry was laughing, and the next thing Hermione knew, the curse had been lifted and Harry was straddling her. In his madness he dropped his wand and slapped her again and again, but she was too weak to do anything but lie still, her wand lay two metres away. Once he had drawn blood, he laughed again and put his fingers to the cut, before bringing the blood to his lips. Then he spat in her face. "Tastes like mud." Was all he said before he began his assault again. Before long he reached out for his wand, still straddling her, and put her back under the crutacius curse.

Straddling her? I guess we know whose broom Hermione was riding earlier. XD

Harry, come back to us. We miss you.

Draco runs up and stops Harry with a single Stupefy. COP-OUT. Hermione faints, fulfilling her role as the damsel in distress.

With no time to remember the CPR spell, he tilted her chin and sealed her lips with his, breathing a long breath into her chest. Then he turned his head to look down her body, feeling the air gush out of her mouth onto his cheek and her chest fall. He repeated the procedure, praying to all the gods that she would live through. Thanking his mother for sending him on a muggle first aid course behind his father's back for emergencies.

A CPR Spell? A CPR SPELL? How would that work? Invisible hands pushing on her chest? Wouldn't it make more sense to just have a rescuscitation spell? And if Draco couldn't remember a CPR spell, how on EARTH could he remember ACTUAL CPR?

Hermione goes to the hospital wing. Again. Sensing a theme? Dumbledore tells her with all the emotion of a dead pelican that Harry's been taken away by dementors, but PROBABLY won't be kissed by them. He then pardons Ron because he obviously wasn't involved and sends them all home for Christmas to recover. Thanks, Headmaster. Oh, and then this comes out of NOWHERE.

Ron yawned, "You two seem to be picking up where you left off." Hermione grinned. "It's better than that, Ron, he's asked me to marry him." Ron almost fell off his bed. "What? Really?" Hermione smiled and nodded, holding up her left hand, where a simple and elegant diamond ring adorned her third finger. "Wow, who'd thought, after four years of making our lives hell, the bastard would marry you!" "Yes, we were thinking, I mean, Draco was thinking, that you could be the best man." Ron beamed. "I'd love to be." He then slumped back on his pillow and sighed. "Well, things turned put alright, I suppose. I mean, Harry's evil, Malfoy's good. Apart from that, everything can go back to normal."

I mean, it makes sense and all because their relationship is so STRONG and GOOD and TRUSTING and THEY'RE SIXTEEN! THEY'RE SIXTEEN! God. Ron officially gets over Draco/Hermione. I guess getting clocked and sent into a tree was enough for him!

"Where's Draco?" Ron asked as Hermione settled herself in the seat furthest from the window. "We're meeting on the platform at King's Cross." "I would have thought you'd be clinging to each other like babies." Hermione smiled. "We haven't been that bad." "You bloody well have!" he exclaimed and Hermione laughed. "Maybe we have, I'm just so happy." "You bloody well deserve it!" She smiled again.

Ron has turned gay. I keep expecting him to speak with a lisp, flip his wrist around and go "Girlfriend! I knew you'd make it! But don't worry about ol drama queen Ron, he found his MAN! Harry's the man for ME!" and then giggle like a girl. On the other side of the OOC train, Draco and Hermione act disgustingly cuddly, but then TRAGEDY STRIKES!

Naomi pressed her forehead to the cold glass of the window. She was totally alone. What was it about Hermione that made Draco love her? Her woe and interest was so great, she used a power that she knew she had, but denied the existence of. Her mother, she knew, was a Veela, but her father, was a shape-shifter. Naomi had acquired both these gifts. [...]When she opened her eyes, she was an exact copy of Hermione. It didn't feel any different being her, not at all, so why did Draco love her? Just before she was going to change back, the compartment door slid open and Draco came in.

OMG! THIZ IZ SO TERRIBLE!11!!! They make out, Hermione sees them and is scandalized, runs off crying after throwing off her ring. Draco tries to explain, Hermione refuses to listen, and she leaves him. Yup. Packs up and runs away. Good thing Hermione doesn't care about her SCHOOL CAREER or anything.

Here are some choice author quotes to live by.

A/N: painfully short... But writing complicated stories is, well, complicated! And earlier... Not much to say really, I have this story clearly defined in my head, and all the questions will be answered, if not by this fic, then the sequel. Yes, Harry IS evil, I never really saw any point in him in the stories at all, lol, but I'm weird, don't listen to me.

And some wonderful tidbits from her reviewers...

*GASP* You have a GOT to have a sequel! That was so incredibly good! It was almost like K.K. Rowling herself... But I seriously doubt she would have gotten one of her characters pregnant... but anyway... LOL... If you EVER get a sequel, will you do me a favor and e-mail me? )xxxxxxx@aol.com)I know it's alot to ask, but I really don't have the time to keep checking in!
OMGOSH! WHY DID U DO THAT? U SHOULD SAY WHY RON WENT! HERMIONE SHOULD COME BACK AND BE LIKE, JK! HAHA TRICKED YOU! ugh...i guess i was never one for sad endings...


259 reviews this fic has. Two of them in the pages I could stand to read were actually intelligent. What really baffles me about this fic and many like it is the characterization of the entire thing. If you support the Draco/Hermione pairing, then more power to you. But shouldn't the stories you write ABOUT them be...you know...ABOUT them? I've noticed this a lot with rare or uncommon pairings. While it's nice that someone is writing something NEW, in the end...they aren't really. They may claim to support the relationship, but not enough to actually keep people IN CHARACTER. I also wonder about the plethora of "Hermione-gets-a-makeover-and-Draco-falls-in-love-with-her" fics that seem to be so common. Why is that Hermione has to get a makeover before Draco notices her? What does this MEAN? If someone likes Hermione enough to say, write her into a relationship with Draco, wouldn't it make more sense to keep her HERMIONE rather then someone else? This is what this fic is a good example of. Whether or not Draco and Hermione make a good couple means nothing if you can't make them Draco and Hermione in your fic. This is just a fic about two strangers who happen to have the same names. This is true of a ton of fandoms and pairings, even canon ones, where the characters are reduced to shadows of their original selves. People so desperate to see their fan pairing ignore the OOCness and more and more of these kind of fics show up. It's always bugged me and this fic is just a particularly horrendous example of it.

But thankfully, at least this Hermione-sue didn't listen to Avril Lavigne.


i am proud to say i was witness to the entire creation of this.

i still like the mental image of crabbe trying to part the facial hair to make out with female!crabbe.

Wow, bonethieves explain SO MUCH! Why didn't I see it before?


This reads like an absurd after-school special. I think I saw this on Lifetime once. The OOC burns me to my very soul--but on one hand, at least Evil!Harry was there to TRY and enforce canon through inappropriate means. Maybe he's been in his room, reading the Tome of Eternal Darkness...

Harry: "
There are others, I'm
sure...Out there...Manipulating us...Secreting madness
inside our very heads, while our souls are pushed into the
corner's of our skulls...watching as our hands do tasks that
we have no control over! Oh
horrible...horrible...things...WE MUST PURGE THEM FROM OUR
MIDST!! Kill them all!! CUT THEM, BURN THEM!!! It's the only
way...
"

He's not evil! He's just gone mad! Mad, I tell you! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! XD

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*shudders* I'm not even INTO HP and the fandom scares the hell outta me. x.x;;;

And this makes me glad I haven't been able to find loads of Saved by the Bell fanfiction. Because if twisting a smart girl into a whore is a big trend in other fandoms, I fear for the characterization of Jessie Spanno.

*shudders* I'm not even INTO HP and the fandom scares the hell outta me. x.x;;;

Yeah... that's pretty much the same way it is with me. I don't have a problem with the books and such, but it's the fandom I have issues with. T_T;

And this makes me glad I haven't been able to find loads of Saved by the Bell fanfiction. Because if twisting a smart girl into a whore is a big trend in other fandoms, I fear for the characterization of Jessie Spanno.

OMG... that really warped my brain. Then again, the mere thought of 'Saved by the Bell' fanfiction scares me. O.o;

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
This...was an awesome guest review. ^_^d The OOC-Bonethieves and the abortion spell particularly made me snerk. XD Yes... Fics like this are so...crazy. o_o; I mean... (*facedesks*) I am a stickler for characterization; my friend ianthefira and I have written a fic for a very non-canonical coupling for Skies of Arcadia, and we took great pains to keep them in character, then develop their characters in such a way that they would reasonably be able to fall for each other. Crap like this just depresses the hell out of me--especially when it gets reviews saying that it's better than the stuff "K.K. Rowling" writes. ~_~#

Also:
>"Yes, Harry IS evil, I never really saw any point in him in the stories at all, lol, but I'm weird, don't listen to me."

D00D HE'S THE FUCKING MAIN CHARACTER! 0_o; I can understand not LIKING him--a given character will always have people who hate him or her--but saying he had no point when the books are centered around him... It just boggles my mind. x_x;;

A SoA fic? We'd like to see it! We're big SoA fans here. Care to give the URL?

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
Now I'm not the world's most complete Harry Potter fan, so I might be mistaken about this. But I was under the impression that Draco will sooner stick his dick in a biohazard bag full of used needles from an HIV Positive Heroin Addict Convention than he would put it into a "mudblood" like Hermione.

I think you would be correct.

And this has nothing to do with the fic, but...OMG!Another Princess Maker Icon!!<3<3<3. Serious love.

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Sad part: one in ten of HP fics in the Pit are exactly like this.

Did ya ever do this one? I can't remember if ya did or not.

love (Anonymous) Expand
You just killed my brain!! I had to skim through bits just in the review because the fic hurt so, so much.

LOL OMG WTF!!!!!!!11111oneoneone

The things I learned from this fic:

1. Sleeping with a comotose/intoxicated partner is okay if you REALLY love them. Because sex isn't fun at all when it's a mutual thing, you know.
2. All relationships have crazy-evil people out to destroy them, even if they are supposedly friends of oine of the people involved. Makes me wonder about all of the work I do in my original fiction to make the romantic rival a fair and viable 'ship choice with the main character.
3. All girls want to be pretty and fashionable and have boyfriends, and marry their high school sweethearts and have cute children. Because feminism and the belief women can have value for things like personality and intelligence and not just for beauty and who they're shagging involved with is so last century.
4. It hurts like burning. There is no god.

what, you just learned this?! I learned some time ago that poise, self-confidence, charm, wittiness, and of course romance only come to nerdy girls when they've had a beautician straighten and cut their long curly hair, have had tons of makeup put on, gotten contacts, and changed their comfy jeans and t-shirts for stylish outfits from Express.

I learned all this from a fine film that even know, continues to teach all our nation's little girls these important lessons: The Princess Diaries.

Remember: if you have unstylish hair, glasses, and wear comfy clothing, it means that you are rude, clumsy, nervous, witless, unpleasantly sarcastic, mockably dorky and weird, and also that should a boy accidentally venture into your personal space, you will probably throw up on him. It's really too bad.

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
Ow. Ow. Oh, ow. That burns. It hurts. My precious fandom, why must you harbour so many idiots?

You know, I sometimes get a review that compares me favourably with JKR as well. But see, this is a fic I put a tremendous amount of work and thought into, and it's one of my best. And I still can't comprehend the idea of people thinking it anywhere near JKR's level, because it isn't.

So what are these other reviewers THINKING?! Are they thinking?

Jen / Quoth the Raven

I can't even bear to read the bits in the review. Kudos to the person who read the whole thing. Ow.

Dude.

I do not know who you are, oh Zarla, but you are loved by me and mine. Alas, we shall eternally be distanced from one another, separated by the shimmering dark veil of electrons forevermore. Such is the tragic nature of this cruel world. *weep*

Thus I cannot confess my feelings or comedically hump you in a chat room or anything like that. (No doubt this fact is not unlike a dark needle of misery in your soul.) Therefore I offer all a ficbitch can: should you ever have a fic which you wish for some reason to have reviewed, edited, or betaed (beta'd? beta'ed? betad? ... yeah, such a fine example of my skillz), please feel free to mail us the file or URL. Simply attn: the email to me, Rebel Toy, to insure that someone actually reads it in less than three months, and I promise I'll take time out of my busy day to read it and say something about it if at all possible. I'll even get comments from our popular bitches LD and GH. Because you deserve the best. Or something.

ta,
rebel toy

I'm-a take you up on that offer eventually. Bwahahaha.

I must say that I'm very happy to see fanfiction advocating positive lifestyles and responsible alcohol use for future generations, and that "date rape" actually means "I love you and want to be with you forever!" I hope today's youth carry this inspiring message with them in their hearts.

This was a -great- guest review. XD Just reading it, I forgot that it wasn't actually written by one of the Ficbitches...

(I just wish Zarla had left out more of the actual fic. I really didn't need to see it. >.< Head explodey.)

-Callisto

Holy crap, I've got to give props. This was a great funny read, and informative as all hell regarding one of the fundamentals of fanfiction. Great job, Zarla. :)

...my poor Hermione. ;_;

All I have to say is thanks for picking this fic apart. I read it before, and I think my insides spontaneously hemorrhaged.