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Fun for the whole family!


For almost two years now, we here at SttH have been been the bringers of pain with some of the most boring, incomprehensible, and all-around dumb fics out there.

Now, we want you to bring the pain to *US*. And share with others.

Thanks to the wonders of Livejournal and their superb comments system, we can now hold little diversions like this game. Today, we present the very first Ficbitches Badfic Scavenger Hunt!

Here's how to play:

- We give out basic concept for fic.
- You remember something you saw earlier, or if you're really masochistic, go searching for such fics, and then post them here for everyone to read, comment on, and probably recoil in horror from.
- When posting, you post link to fic and what category it falls under.
- Posting a different example in a category someone's already found a fic in is perfectly fine and, in fact, encouraged. That way we can cross-mock. Er, I mean, compare.

Not all of the ideas we are giving are horribly awful, but may be things that go against stupid fanon characterization/stereotypes. Also note that these are NOT invitations to actually write some of this stuff. If you do, we'd have to kill you.

So today, here are GH's fic challenges! I DARE you to find:

Fic where a female character is made into a male solely for purposes of yaoi.

Fic where a male character is raped/molested by dickgirl.

A dickgirl Mary/Marty Stu. (Hard to say which it'd be, doncha think?)

Lemon fic where virginal woman does not go into orgasm the first time.

AIDS fic, or other terminal illness angstfic, with a completely happy ending. (ie "He is cured with the power of LOVE!")

Fic with a famous person or people thrown into a popular fantasy universe. Not a Mary Sue or SI, or famous people being cast in roles of another universe's characters (ie "L'Arc~En~Ciel does Saiyuki). Something like "Fred Durst's Hogwarts Adventure" or "Orlando Bloom goes to Jusenkyo."

Erotic fanfic with characters from a popular US newspaper comic strip. Peanuts, Garfield, Dilbert, Family Circus, the like. (Yes, we know about the imfamous Hobbes x Calvin slashfic. We're glad it's dead now. We think.)

Yaoi fic where seme is weepy, girly pansy-boy and uke is big, tough manly-man, and characterized as such.

Well, that's plenty for now, I think. Have, er, fun!

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Dear lord, hermaphrodite/cat porn is even more disturbing than Magical Totoro sex... eeeeww. And the author obviously doesn't know anything about the anaomy of hermaphrodites. Pfft, fully formed penis AND vagina? Never happens... Uh, anyway, yeah. Definitely sufficiently disturbing. Good job!

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lasagna (Anonymous) Expand
Fic where a female character is made into a male solely for purposes of yaoi.

Oh! Oh! I remember something like this. Well, close enough. Anyway:

Slayers :: Second Look, by Theria and SephZero

Summary of the fic (posted in DR): If you are offended by a male/male story, even if it is Lina/Zel where Lina got turned to a guy, then don't read any further!! Hit the 'Back' button! Escape! There is still time to save yourself!!
cough And if you're still here, then either you don't mind, you're curious, or you like to read things you don't like. This was written for the Oddest Couple Fanfiction contest where the contest holder put up a list of zarby love couples and a list of common couples but for hate. Yours truly being stuck on Lina and Zel as she is, thought the male/male relationshp of Lina and Zel where Lina's gender got changed might be an interesting one. It's weird like my weird stuff. (<= hah! like that sentence made any sense) Anyway, the confusion and inconsistency of pronouns is deliberate.
Oh yeah, Zel is somewhat OOC compared to most other english Slayers fanfiction. I was basing it off of his portrayal in a number of Japanese Lina/Zel fanfics.

My Personal Opinion: Okay, it's no big secret that I tend not to like the Lina/Zel pairing, but I tried my best to be objective and just think of the characterization itself.

Anyway, technically, this story is not badly written (There is a line or two of Japanese, though.). However, Lina comes off as incredibly wimpy, which hurts enough by itself, and then there's this comment Zel makes towards the end that for some reason always manages to grate on me:

"But...you're always hinting that I should stay as a guy..."

"You want to know why?" He reached out a hand to the pale youth and when he didn't flinch, Zel pulled the youth to him. "If you undo the curse, you'll return to Gourry again. You'll be able to look at other men again and you won't look at me. But as you are now, you won't look to any other guy and you won't look to any women. You can be all mine."

I'm sorry, but I can't buy this. Zelgadis does some rather selfish things in the series in regards to his obsession with his cure, but I seriously doubt he would be this selfish a person.

That's about it. It's a very short read, so I won't mention anything else so that others have a chance to comment.

No more offerings from me for now, I'm too goddamn tired for this. Enjoy!

Oh yeah, I just came back to check up on what else people have found, and then I noticed something I missed in my own submission the first time around:

Anyway, the confusion and inconsistency of pronouns is deliberate.

What. The. Shit?!

Is this some kind of excuse for not working on your narrative style/proofreading or something?

P.S: Not another offering, just that I forgot to note something else.

Yaoi fic where seme is weepy, girly pansy-boy and uke is big, tough manly-man, and characterized as such.

You know, Miss Gunstar, this would be the sort of thing the sabbu community (for which I REALLY need to get off my ass* and make a post discussing potential rules/FAQ for the comm... but... need... sleep... now... @_@) would likely be very interested in hearing about. ;)

*[Yeah, yeah, I'm an idiot, starting a damn comm during a month that turned out to be too hectic for me and then just putting it off afterwards. Terribly embarassing... ><;;]

Wow, aruru, you're everywhere. ::grins:: ^________^

-- Fic with a famous person or people thrown into a popular fantasy universe. Not a Mary Sue or SI, or famous people being cast in roles of another universe's characters (ie "L'Arc~En~Ciel does Saiyuki). Something like "Fred Durst's Hogwarts Adventure" or "Orlando Bloom goes to Jusenkyo."

http://www.fanfix.com/pages/series.php has a listing for

Elijah Wood in Star Wars 7
By gayerboy
It is 100 years after the events of Star Wars ep6... Luke Skywalker died of old age decades ago. Anyway, Elijah Wood's character is attending the New Republic Jedi academy when he is thrust into the middle of a major galactic conflict when invaders called the Yuuzhan Vong from a nearby galaxy invade the New Republic.

Sadly (?), the story itself is unavailable at the mo due to a server crash, but might still be findable via the Wayback Machine (web.archive.org).

Damn, I had one like this...

But I lost the link. *weeps* It was a cute Space Cases fic, where poor Kristian Ayre got stuck in Radu's body. Good, and yet OH SO BAD... If I ever find the link I'll put it here so you can all laugh and cry at the same time.

Inu Yasha fics

Lemon fic where virginal woman does not go into orgasm the first time.

Actually, this author (http://home.attbi.com/~wilburns1/leloi/index.html) has written several fics like that. There's Demonbride (http://home.attbi.com/~wilburns1/leloi/stories/demon.html/), co-written with Yashira, in which Kagome not only does not orgasm, she then proceeds to complain that Inu Yasha went too damn fast and therefore obviously cares only about his pleasure, rather than hers. Then there's The Other Side of the Coin (http://home.attbi.com/~wilburns1/leloi/stories/endingtwo.html), where Kagome is forced to marry a human Inu Yasha. In this one she just kinda stares at the ceiling and lets him go about his business. The last one that I can remember is called Heat (http://home.attbi.com/~wilburns1/leloi/stories/heat.htm), and it's the first in a series of several fics based around Inu Yasha going into heat (hence the title) and taking Kagome as his mate.

The thing about this author is that she's actually a very good writer: she uses proper grammar, there are rarely any spelling mistakes, and she has good desciptions. However, her characterizations of Kagome and Inu Yasha are so totally off that it sometimes brought me to tears. Inu Yasha is way too touchy-feely, saying things that normally he wouldn't even think, while Kagome turns into some sort of whiny, submissive girl who is so in love with him that she goes along with whatever he wants and rarely speaks up for herself. When she does, it's usually after the fact, like in Demonbride. She never argues with him, never talks back, is rarely forceful, and basically has a tendency to just go along with whatever Inu Yasha wants. In other words, she behaves in a manner so totally different from her behavior in the anime and manga that I have trouble picturing her as the same person. But hey, at least she's not confusing sex and love. That's one thing, at least.

I always loved the Heat series, for the sheer idiocy of it all...male animals (dogs at least) do NOT go into heat...and if I remember it correctly, there's some feudal magical blood transfusions that take place...I'm not certain. That same author also wrote a horrifically laughable fic where Kagome makes *cough* anatomically correct UFO plush dolls of herself and Inuyasha in her home economics class in school.

.....yeah. A UFO plush doll with a penis. >_<; it hurts. She gives them to Inuyasha as a gift and..bah. It's creepy..but not as bad as all the stories in "Heat".

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Comic Strip Erotica! Ooh, Baby!

In the course of my long obsessive fandom career, I've probably seen all of these at some point, but this is the only one I could find which a quick Google search.

http://www.matthewtime.com/goodbyeeileen.html details the romantic and sexual awakenings of those loveable geeky rascals Jason and Marcus of "Foxtrot" fame. Actually, it's not badly done piece at all, and the author has some other fics which I really do like, but in this case even the most solid writing can't transcend the choice of a really inappropriate fandom. Just thinking about it makes me want to shower.


I was hoping to dear god nobody would find Foxtrot stuff, because that comic is very, very near and dear to my little heart. And JASON AND MARCUS. I mean, Peter and Denise wouldn't be so bad but NO THOSE TWO ARE JUST CLOSE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS!

I weep forever for the lost innocence of Amend's creation.

"AIDS fic, or other terminal illness angstfic, with a completely happy ending. (ie "He is cured with the power of LOVE!")"

The story? Leukemia. The fandom? Cardcaptor Sakura.

Well, it's actually kind of angst, since Sakura, Kero, and Li cry about it occassionally, whenever they can be bothered to remember that Sakura is in fact dying of leukemia. The rest of the time, everyone is shockingly nonchalant about the disease, and it turns into one of those "this is what my friends and I do but now I'm making the CCS characters act that way" fics.

Then Sakura "dies" or something, and she somehow gets brought back to life after telling some Princess of Death or other about how wonderful her life is/was. In the meantime, Tomoyo, Li, and Eriol deal with her death by dragging her body upstairs, then going back downstairs and playing cards. After Sakura comes back to life and interrupts their "mourning", there are tears and hugs, and everyone learns a lesson about calling the god damn ambulance next time not throwing their lives away just because of leukemia, or whatever.

Actually, I think it's hilarious, in that special "what the hell was the author ON?" kind of way.

AIDS fic, or other terminal illness angstfic, with a completely happy ending. (ie "He is cured with the power of LOVE!")

An Inuyasha fic I found ages ago on Fanfiction.net called "Purification" by Missfortune.

Basically, Kagome takes her little brother back in time to the warring states period, and Souta is kidnapped by Kohaku. Oh no!. It's rather mild shounen ai, where Kohaku and Souta are randomly, arbitrarily gay...and it is discovered that Souta has spiritual powers, like his big sister Kagome.

This means he can heal Kohaku's wounded heart....-_-; It has the most fantastic leap of logic I've found in *ANY* fanfiction yet...basically, it applies what DOES seem to be accurate 11 year old logic to a problem (that is, it sounds like logic an 11 year old would come up with..)

..but than said 11 year old logic SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS.

"You can see the jewel shard? I thought only people of great power could see them." Kohaku said, surprised that Sota could se it.

Sota pouted but ignored the comment to ask another question. "Why is there a jewel shard in your back anyway?"

"It keeps me alive. I was in a battle and was fatally wounded. Naraku put the shard in me and extended my life. So long as it is in me, I will continue to live as his servant." Kohaku's eyes were distant and sad and Sota felt a wash of pity for the other boy. He got the impression that he didn't really want to be working for Naraku.

"You said it keeps you alive, but you don't look hurt to me." Sota observed. "Aren't you healed now? Didn't the jewel shard heal you?"

"I...I guess so."

"Then that means your not going to die, right? So that means you don't need the shard in you anymore. And that means that Naraku can't control you." Sota pointed out in that oversimplified child's logic of his.

Kohaku turned it over in his mind for a few silent minutes. He looked up at Sota with a kind of wonder in his eyes. "You're right."

"Of course. I'm not stupid you know." Sota crossed his arms over his chest.

"Why have I not thought of this before?"

"Maybe Naraku didn't want you to."

And then they end up kissing and BLAH. I have absolutely nothing against shounen ai or even yaoi, except in this situation where neither character has shown any inclination towards homosexuality (OR heterosexuality, for that matter...Kohaku is 11 years old and Souta is that age, or even younger)...

...at any rate, that is my submission. There's another fic I was thinking of for this same category, about Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, except that it doesn't end happily at all..so it's not quite SO bad..

Three cheers for the ficbitches!

Oh god, I just found that (not thought here), and....>_<

Stupid doesn't even cover it.

Damn, I was going to link "Lasagna" but someone beat me to it. Anyway...

Orlando Bloom goes to Middle-Earth: "Unexpected Surprises".

Another title from the Department of Redundancy Department, I see.

Fic with a famous person or people thrown into a popular fantasy universe. Not a Mary Sue or SI, or famous people being cast in roles of another universe's characters (ie "L'Arc~En~Ciel does Saiyuki). Something like "Fred Durst's Hogwarts Adventure" or "Orlando Bloom goes to Jusenkyo."

Final Fantasy X vs Linkin Park chapter 1 (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=656771) and chapter 2 (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=656771&chapter=2). These are the fics where Linkin Park have super powers and SI-like immortality.

This particular sub-subgenre of fanfic wasn't invoked above, but I've been sufficently weirded-out by it to wonder whether it happens at all in other fandoms-- there're a lot of Rurouni Kenshin fanfics in which the characters are transmogrified into modern settings, leaving only the names, physical descriptions, and (if you're lucky) character traits and interrelationships intact. Most of them end up looking like search-and-replaces, especially the ones which are explicitly modelled after other pro works.

Visualize a version of The Bodyguard (http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=620842) with all the names S/R'ed into RK. Or of Romancing the Stone (http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=798935). Or don't. The one based on Jane Eyre (http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=828535) wasn't so bad, though maybe only by comparison. It helps when your original template was any good to start with.

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This fic isn't that bad...oh,...yes it is.

I know this isn't as bad as some of the stuff you have on here, but the spelling and plot are so horrible it's funny.

This is the summary for the fic:

"Kurama finds a girl and saves her. She is also a fox-demon. Can he keep his instinks under controle?"

Go to: http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1362085


Re: This fic isn't that bad...oh,...yes it is.

Can he keep his instinks under controle?

*giggles stupidly*

Now, Kurama, what did people tell you about avoiding those bean burritos again...?


This doesn't fit with any of the categories requested (sorry!), but I as these three pages qualify as the Tenth Circle of Hell...

Frodo: "Yes, Sam, the Dark Lord spent some thirty-odd years burrowing into my brain, culminating in a slow and torturous crawl across the continent while being assaulted by every wound and discomfort imaginable, but enough of that. Screwing ugly orcs, now THAT's unpleasant."
Sam: "Aw, sweetstuff..."

The first quote is a summary. The second quote, sadly, is real. Repeatedly real.
Masochists, your day has come. Enter ye here and be amazed.

Re: Must...gouge...out...eyeballs...!

Aagh! Hack! *coughs up a few large bones* Lord of the Rings is all about the sunset of a world, and how everyone's youth and strength was used up burning away the shadow. It doesn't need cheap angst layered over it.

I don't suppose anyone would like to team up? For the "Lemon fic where virginal woman does not go into orgasm the first time" category I can remember a Sailor Moon fic I read a few years ago where Usagi and Mamoru got married, and she found the wedding night awful. I clearly remember that he first performed cunnilingus on her, during which she faked an orgasm then quickly wiped his face before he noticed that the wetness on his face was all his own spit.

Afterwards, while she's scrubbing off the blood between her legs and feeling bad about herself, we discover a magically alive Jadeite has been watching them, and is ticked off about how Mamoru treated her. They meet in later chapters, she doesn't recognise him, and I'm sure he ends up showing her how good sex can be, although the later chapters are blurry in my memory.

So, I spent an hour and a half in the Sailor Moon Romance trying to find it, since I thought I had read it there, but couldn't. I was lucky that I knew it was a series, so only had to click links that lead to htm pages, and that it had more then three chapters so I didn't need to skim ones with less. So, anyone else ever come across this and know where to find it for scavenger hunt purposes?


I read this fic five years ago. Five years ago I was still a Dark Kingdom fan, the web seemed a lot smaller, and "Tacky Yellow No-Name" was still funny.

lyria helped me find this.

I would suggest "Wildflowers" for one of these, but I think it probably belongs under every header by now. Does anybody remember when Eudialyte was still sane? Them were the days...


Okay, I give up.

Actualy, I'm too lazy to do more than one google search for each of these and I came up with very little.

But I did find some things that would qualify as cruel and unusual punihsment:

http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/story.php?no=5655 -- Wonderwoman at the mercy of her evil mirror-universe twin

http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/story.php?no=254 --Sorta that 'woman's gender changed for yaoi purposes' thing. Dracula's gay and is after John Harker instead of Mina. John's the reincarnation of his dearly departed uke.

http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/main.php?list=222 -- Four stories of Dark Crystal porn, three of which involve skeksis, and one a Mary Sue. One of which makes Chocobo sex looks GOOD.

http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/main.php?list=489 --Bestiality Disney porn (human-tiger, not furries)

http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/main.php?list=5 --Generic bad X-men (movie) porn. Mostly bad yaoi and Mary Sues

http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/main.php?cat=6 --Kinda your 'comics like peanuts' porn, but it's all TV shows. Powerpuff girls, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Animaniacs, Spongbob Squarepants, and The Mighty Ducks.

Last, but definiately not least:
http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/story.php?no=2175 Worst Mary Sue I've ever seen. Not even that Harry Potter story you went over with the TWO Mary Sues could compete with this. I've been hoping you guys would go over it (for years, man!) Be aware that when you read this, it's in a series of Nine other, longer, stories.

If anyone wants to see the MST of it it's at http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/story.php?no=2654

Darkcrystal porn...AGHG
Not only that, but it was so bad...SO BAD god my brain hurts. OW. OW dear god.

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