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And now for something completely different...
Ficbitches
ficbitches

FINAL FANTASY VII :: PALMER GETS LAID


By Gunstar Heroine



PLOT: 1/5 (But this actually isn't a problem.)
CHARACTERIZATION: 4/5 (I love the reactions of the other Turks.)
WRITING: 5/5 (Comedy genius!)
ABILITY TO BE COMPLETELY REVOLTING YET UTTERLY HILARIOUS AT THE SAME TIME: 5/5

You might be wondering what is up with the scores above - they are actually GOOD this time around. But you see, we don't bash bad fics ALL the time. That's not our intent. We need to point out the good alongside the bad. So today, I have chosen a very special fic to highlight. Like most of the other fics we review, this one will leave you screaming - but with insane laughter instead of abject horror.



This fic was obviously written to be a parody. Our main couple consists of Palmer and Heidigger. Yes, you just read that correctly. If this fic were meant to be taken seriously I'd be ready to beat the author's head in with a nail-bat right about now, but it is obvious from the start that this isn't the case:

Palmer couldn't concentrate. ...the distraction across the table caused his eyes to wander away from the boring drone to the epitome of man-meat manliness over and over again... He longed to feel that massive belly pressed against his back or his rippling abdomen (whichever came first), quaking with each whimpered breath like a mountain of jello.

With a description like that, it's safe to assume that this fic is going to be absolutely disgusting. And I love every minute of it.

So what all does this fic parody, you ask?

1. Stupid PWP devices
2. Bad sex descriptions and euphemisms
3. Dumb pairings that make zero sense. I'm not sure if that was the author's intent or not, but seriously, somebody has to speak out on the SHEER WRONGNESS of slashing Captain Hook and Riku (DO NOT CLICK. SERIOUSLY.) or Legolas and Treebeard (Writing a pairing based on a challenge is probably a BAD IDEA).

I actually don't want to quote much of this fic, simply because doing so will spoil a lot of the fun to be had reading it for the first time (and over, and over...). But I must provide a few examples as to what makes this work so damn funny, so here goes:

Oh baby, are you getting horny yet?:

Heidigger felt hot eyes crawling over him and stripping him, layer by layer. He turned and met the intense blue gaze of the man sitting across. As he watched, Palmer gave him a salacious wink and licked his full luscious lips, making them glisten and gleam in the harsh overhead lights. Heidigger's mouth went dry and his eyes crossed with desire. He felt his mini-Heidigger sproinging to attention and smacking the underside of the table with a wet thud.

Heidegger's idea of dirty talk:

With heavy and panted breaths escaping from the hot wells of his heaving bosom, Heidigger breathed into the waiting cavern of Palmer's ear, "Let's go to the bathroom, studmuffin, I've got to drop a load."

And now for HOT SWEATY SQUISHY BLUBBERY KINKY BATHROOM SEX:

Hopping on one foot to catch his balance, Palmer grasped an adjoining urinal. He leaned against the cool porcelain, a cool and welcome contrast to his burning hot skin. He looked over his shoulder with a sultry glance and murmured, "Come here, you love machine animal, you..."

Oh, and the sex/organ euphemisms! These had me rolling on the floor. What makes them even more amusing is that we have all seen bad fics where ridiculous terminology like this is employed in total seriousness. My favorite? "Sacred Jade Temple of the Golden Peaches." Brilliant.

In short, everything in this fic WORKS. It takes a funny idea and expands on it throughout, it keeps characters in character (well, besides the couple, but even they aren't as horribly far off as they could be), and it successfully pokes fun at many yaoi fic cliches and stereotypes. The little surprise tidbit at the ending only tops off a mountain of great (if gross XD) humor.

Thanks to the authors for giving me such a great laugh. Finding gems like this is what makes wading through the piles and piles of crappy fic out there totally worthwhile. I just wouldn't recommend this one right after dinner.

(My, this is a really short bitch. Have you ever noticed that bad reviews almost anywhere tend to be longer than the good ones?)


...Eww! Good parody, but nasty descriptions. x.x;

Wow. I *did* just see that.

Now all I need is RPS Saddam x Dubbya, and my fanfic life is complete.

O_O

I've been squicked. O_o Brain melting.

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
It's heartening to hear that good fics still exist. In response to the Legolas and Treebeard fic... Me and my friends believe it is a stolen idea from our (very first Treebeard fanfic ever. We checked) Treebeard/Elrond parody.

It's all a conspiracy. >_>

...and all I can think is, Indiana Jones and the Sacred Jade Temple of the Golden Peaches would be the best action/adventure movie ever. XD

(*ahem*)

Damn. Thanks for pointing me at a great belly laugh. XD~

XD That link made me split a gut and almost drown myself while drinking. "Just yank it, cumchugger!" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

*is VERY glad nobody else is home...*

*...as she's sitting her LHFAO*

oh. my. god. the ENDING!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Collapsing onto the floor, Palmer felt his substantial lover follow him down and curl against his back like a over-stuffed moogle. Heidigger rested on top of the cushy form of his little bundle of love and caught his breath.

This deserves an award of some sort. Best yaoi fic ever. Or something.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! BRILLIANT!

Also, CAPTAIN HOOK x RIKU?! AUGH.... that's as bad as when I heard from Ruaki that someone went and posted a Sora pr0n that had Donald using naughty tentacles (you know, from the Atlantica level in KH) on FF.net. It was taken down quick, so I never saw it, but just the thought... ARRRRRRGH. *cries* ><

That is so WRONG!

...why am I laughing like this?

This is definately a classic parody, even though the thought of a serious fic with this pairing would make me hurl. Many times.

And bible slash? I need a link to that... I'll have to show it to that horribly annoying religious guy who insists on following my friends and I around. (Honestly, it's not the fact that he's religious... it's the fact that he's SO #@$%%^$#ing annoying!)

The reason you laugh so much is because the fic is so wrong it's RIGHT. You know it. ;)

Anyway, as for Bible slash, my friend found one on FF.net once. Dunno if it's still to be found, but you might want to start your search there.

(*cackles*) God, poor Cloud.

This fic is absolutely precious. I am beyond words.

I will say this, though: Bible slash is not as rare as you would think. There are entire archives devoted to it. I have found two Bibleslash lemons I consider precious.

For the "Come, oh Holy Spurt!" lemon, go here: http://www.jesus21.com/poppydixon/sex/gay_jesus.html

And for a God/Lucifer lemon with some amusing quotes, go here: http://www.cotillion.slashcity.org/archive/archive/2/inprincipio.html

>> as God finds the closure he wants, white streams of it flowing from him. Without meaning to, he invents ecstasy. Saints and whores will thank him for it.>>

I'm not sure if that's incredibly deep, or just really, really funny but I can't look away!

I'm not a bad person it's the internet's fault.


Icz

O_O (Anonymous) Expand
Holy crap, that's funny. Urk! Can't...breathe...laughing...too...hard

Hahahahahaha.. so..so.. funny *wipes tear*

*goes off to share with people*

(:

I'm so proud to have been one of the two or three people to ever host this fic on my now-defunct website.

Rituko and Cys are great writers, thanks for shining a light on this.. *ahem* gem of theirs.

He covered the meat with a layer of gray slime as he deep-throated it as far as it would go. He swallowed to void the gag reflex but it didn't work. He began to gag and promptly upchucked into the toilet as he shoved his lover aside.

Ooh, take me now you sexy love machine animal.