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fanfiction exists for everything, you know.
Review By: Pink Freak

PLOT: 1/5 (I suppose if you LIKE the idea of "Children's Novel Meets Beverly Hills, 90210"...)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (Kristy Thomas did WHAT?!)
WRITING: 0/5 (MS Word's spellchecker alone DOES NOT CUT IT, PEOPLE.)

For those of you who are currently laughing your ass off at the fact that I have chosen to make my grand return to Ficbitches with, of all things, a BABY-SITTERS CLUB fic, please answer the following questions before continuing to howl with laughter at my patheticness.

1) Are you over the age of 13?
2) Have you read a Harry Potter book after you passed the age of 13?
3) Did you subsequently read or write fanfic about it? (Double the value of this question if the fic was pornographic.)

If the answers to those questions are "yes", I invite you to kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We now return to your regularly scheduled ficbitching.

The Baby-Sitters Club. Now, some of you may not have read these books - I'm not sure whether they're still popular amongst the 4th-6th grade set, but when I was a member of said age group, everyone I knew was reading the series. So, for those of you who are not familiar with the series, I will give you a brief summary of what the books are about. Since it's been a good 10-15 years since I last seriously read a BSC book, I went to the library and got a couple of the books to reread in order to do this review. FYI, the book I chose was Kristy And The Sister War. There's an excerpt of about 6 pages on there, so you can see the...um...quality writing...present in the series itself.

Wow, I can't believe I ever liked this crap. But anyway. XD

The Baby-Sitters Club is a series of books by Ann M. Martin that tells the story of a group of barely teenaged babysitters living in Stoneybrook, Connecticut. The girls formed a club where they provide the service of reliable and talented baby-sitters to area parents, who seem to spawn like there's no tomorrow. They have a variety of adventures such as going on a cruise with their charges' family, setting up a dance for a bunch of kids, going to New York City for a week, and other things that your average 13 year old is not necessarily allowed to do. Oh, and they babysit. A lot. Hence the title of the series. The cast has changed a bit from when I was reading the books as a tender, innocent youth, but here's who we're looking at. These introductions are conveniently recapped in chapter 2 of EVERY SINGLE BOOK IN THE SERIES. I recall habitually skipping this chapter when reading the books as a young'un.)

Kristy Thomas A completely unashamed rags-to-riches tomboy. Lives in jeans and t-shirts. Would rather play baseball than think about typically girly things like makeup, fashion, boyfriends, etcetera. She founded the Baby-Sitters Club and is down-to-earth, responsible, punctual, trustworthy, and thinks before she acts. Had a friend-cum-boyfriend named Bart Taylor briefly, but has a hard time looking at boys as anything other than people to play soccer with. Age 13.
Claudia Kishi Japanese-American. Shirking the Asian Stereotype, she hates studying and is dyslexic, but she LOVES shopping and makeup and dating. Her strong points include being artistic and creative and having a 'unique' sense of style. Upon revisiting the series, I discovered that Claudia repeated the 7th grade due to poor academic performance. Don't fret - Asian Stereotype is present in Claudia's older sister. Age 13.
Mary Anne Spier The conservative sheltered one. Mommy died when she was little, so Daddy put a bunch of restrictive rules on her. Eventually, Daddy let her do such wild and unprecedented things such as stay out past 6 PM, cut her hair into a stylish bob, and have a sweet, harmless country bumpkin boyfriend.
Stacey McGill From New York. Moved to Stoneybrook after her parents' divorce. Diabetic. Good at math. Stylish in a classy way. Dates older men. Can you tell that the two books I checked out from the library were about Kristy and Claudia? Age 13.
Dawn Schafer From California. Moved to Stoneybrook after her parents' divorce. Because she is from California, she does a variety of exotic things such as having 10 piercings above the waist surfing. When I reread the books a couple of days ago, I discovered that Dawn eventually moved back to California. Age 13.
Abby Stevenson Dawn's replacement. An asthmatic, allergic athlete. Did I mention Abby is Jewish? I guess that's integral to her personality. I know nothing about her, since she wasn't in the books when I was reading them. Age 13, I think.
Mallory Pike One of the junior babysitters. Comes from a huge family. Loves horses. Age 11.
Jessi...um...Ramsey The token black girl. Mallory's best friend. She's a ballerina. Also loves horses. People like to write femslash about her and Mallory, apparently. IS IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR TWO GIRLS TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITHOUT WANTING TO SHOVE THEIR HEADS IN EACH OTHER'S CROTCHES? Age 11.

There are a bunch of supporting characters that I'm not going to bother introducing, because they're unimportant to the ficbitching. Actually, everyone except Kristy is pretty unimportant, but there you go anyway. If you REALLY CARE, do what I did and make an embarrassing journey into the children's section of your local library and read one of 'em yourself. I am not responsible for your friends laughing at you for doing this.

Okay, so now that you have an idea of who Kristy Thomas is: a responsible, motivated, forward-thinking, serious tomboy, let me present you with the fic "My Girl" by WickedGurl. In this fic, Kristy Thomas has a one-night stand with her then-boyfriend Bart Taylor, gets pregnant, and has a baby daugter named Katie. The fic is a work-in-progress and is 10 chapters long, but each chapter is relatively short. There's also a prequel called "Just ONE Night" which was probably written in response to "My Girl" and helps to clear up some of the fuzziness and incomprehensibility of the plot of "My Girl". So, for clarity's sake, I'll start by giving a brief recap of "Just ONE Night".

Kristy and Bart, both 13 years old, are at a party. They drank some beer and then had sex. A clip:

Bart came in smiling. Told me the mess downstairs was under control. And thanked me for helping him. And we kissed. But this time there was something different in this kiss. More passionate than it had ever been before. We continued to kiss, And Bart with his arm behind my back gently lay me down on his bed, He was on top of me now. But I wasn’t scared. We carried on kissing for a while. And then Bart moved down to my neck planting little kisses. And then ever so slowly he started to unbutton my top. He ran his hands over my skin.

And soon we were both naked, I knew what I was doing. He knew what he was doing. We both knew we should stop, But we both didn’t want too.

‘Kristy, are you sure you want this’ he said looking into my eyes. I nodded

For about 10 seconds it hurt, it really hurt, but the pain turned into pleasure. And then we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

I'm pretty sure Leather Daddy mentioned this in one of her reviews, but if she didn't, I'm going to say it here: sex and drinking are two things that are written LIGHT-YEARS BETTER by people who have actually experienced them. The only saving grace of this scene is that it's blissfully short. But that's not really the larger point - this is where the characterization falls apart, and this is about 200 words into the fic. In the series, Kristy is decidedly uncomfortable around boys in a romantic sense, and I guess she had Major Ish about kissing Bart in the first place.

(Perhaps this is because she's headed down the path to butch lesbianism? You tell me. I think she's more likely to run off with Claudia and discover the wonders of jelly dildoes and the Hitachi Magic Wand.)

Then, the following dialogue - spelling and grammar preserved for your enjoyment:
‘Bart did we use protection?’
‘Yes and No, But more no than yes, Okay no’
For a minute I just stood there stunned
‘I thought you wore a condom’
‘We’ll I don’t exactly have them on me Kristy, It was spur of the moment’
‘Bart, I could be pregnant’
‘You won’t’
‘Oh and how do you know’
‘Cause it’s our first time, You don’t get pregnant on your first time’ Bart said knowingly

Hey, Kristy? I have a question. How could you NOT KNOW whether or not Bart hermetically sealed his meat before delivery? The vague sex scene didn't give any indication as to whether or not Bart blindfolded Kristy before he popped her cherry, but condoms don't magically materialize from a cloud of sparkles and ribbons to surround the cock, unlike Sailor Moon's battle uniform. Maybe Kristy didn't pay attention during Sex Ed. Bart didn't, that's for sure! That's pretty clear from his intelligent attempts at reassuring Kristy, who's panicking about the possibility that she's just ruined her life as she knew it.

Kristy grills her friends, who DID pay attention in Sex Ed, for information. She tries to hide the truth from her friends, but they all know better and out her. She takes a pregnancy test, pees on the stick, it turns yellow comes out positive, and Kristy realizes that she's GOTTEN PREGNANT AT AGE 13 (14?).

May I remind you who this is again? I always thought Stacey (or Dawn, what with her native Californian passion for kinky group sex maturity) would be the one pressing the flesh with the boys at an early age.

Okay, the rest of the fic involves Kristy and Bart telling their parents of the news. Neither family is particularly angry. Bart gets grounded for a couple of weeks and his allowance reduced. Kristy's parents are extremely supportive, even though Kristy is basically repeating her mother's mistakes verbatim. There is no mention of anything but slight parental disappointment, and to MY great disappointment, Kristy's older brothers make no attempt to beat the shit out of Bart for nonchalantly impregnating their little sister. Kristy decides to keep the baby, despite the fact that she is 14 AND STILL IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL and Bart, also 14, muses upon his desire to be a father. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. How many 14 year old boys that YOU know are interested in the responsibility and maturity associated with fatherhood?

We conveniently skip past all of the unpleasant things associated with teenage pregnancy such as stigma from peers and teachers, health problems, childbirth, and raising a small child while attempting to go to high school and segue nicely into "My Girl" which picks up on Christmas Morning when Kristy is 17 and her daughter is 3 or 4 years old. Wait, maybe Kristy was 14 when she got pregnant. Can you figure it out?

The 6th month of Kristy’s pregnancy, Kristy had become pregnant, When she was 14 In September. She turned 15, In June the 1st to be exact. Katie had been in the world for two months and a bit by then.

Okay, so was Kristy 14 when she got pregnant, or did she turn 14 when she was pregnant, or was she 15 when she was 6 months pregnant with Katie...? The head spins. I was pleased to discover upon reading the overwhelmingly positive reviews for this fic that other people were as confused as I was about the ages of the characters. This owes to three things: (1) the incredibly poor writing quality, (2) the complete implausibility of Kristy Thomas getting pregnant and raising a baby while attending high school and (3) the author's failure to clearly state any of these "important details".

We discover that despite Bart's previous promises to support Kristy and his daughter with his weekly allowance of $20 (W00T, they can buy the kid a diaper a week!) Bart was caught cheating on Kristy by getting drunk and making out with "Cokie Mason" 2 years later at a party. (Bart was approximately 15 at the time, by my best estimate.) Upon rereading a BSC book for the purposes of reviewing this fic, I discovered that Cokie Mason is an annoying popular girl at Stoneybrook Middle School. Mmhmm. Right. The guy that would be attracted to Kristy Thomas would also be attracted to that. Right. Whatever. I sincerely doubt that the making out is canon, so I'm going to attribute this fine, original plot twist to the imagination of Aaron Spelling and his ilk the author.

After Christmas dinner, Kristy puts Katie to bed. Bart waltzes in, kisses Kristy, declares his interest in getting back together, and Kristy cries into her pillow. Then she goes downstairs to eat ice cream and have an emotional Men Suck moment with her mother.

We flash back to catch up with the Future Baby-Sitter's Club. Abby Stevenson has morphed into Christina Aguilera. Mallory is in boarding school and Jessi is no longer a club member, probably due to local shock and horror over their budding lesbian relationship that is so clearly detailed in other BSC fics. Anyway, everyone is gathered at Claudia's 15th birthday party. True to her Japanese-American nature, she has a karaoke machine. Everyone is dressed to the teeth. I'm sorry, the descriptions of fashion in the actual BSC novels are bad enough that I shouldn't have laughed so hard at the following scene. To compare, let me give you the description of the outfit that Claudia wore on her double-date with Kristy in Kristy And The Sister War, ©1998:

"Finally, she settled on a pink corduroy miniskirt with a lime green sweater. I know it sounds yucky, but on her it looked terrific. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail, wrapped a lime green scrunchie around it, and spiked out her bangs with gel."

And now, the fic:
But Claudia & Stacey, Had let her borrow their clothes, And know she wore a simple red dress, With black shoes with a heel, Her makeup simple, And her hair, Lose around her shoulders, She looked terrific, Bart told her


Stacey wearing a white bustier and a baby blue long skirt looked sensational, She’d got a bit of lipgloss on, And some mascara but that was it. Claudia who had been to hair salon, had finally managed to persuade her mum and dad for purple, Pink and blue highlights in her black hair. She looked fabulous. She’d wore a strapless back dress, And left her hair down, Which had also been cut in to her shoulders. She’d worn purple lipfinity and black mascara.

Mary- Anne had worn a cute pink clingy dress, and Dawn had worn a hot pink boob tube, With a black long skirt.

*regains composure* I think it was the 'hot pink boob tube' that really did me in. COULD THEY SEE YOUR NIPPLE PIERCINGS THROUGH THAT, DAWN? XD

Oh, and then there's the tragic scene where Kristy catches Bart making out with another girl and kicks him in the nuts. WAY TO GO, KRISTY! If only she'd done that two years ago, she wouldn't be a mother of a 4 year old at AGE 17.

Following is an unmemorable shopping scene in which Kristy gives her stepsister a bit of dating advice (I wouldn't ask Kristy for advice about boys, myself) and then we head into a family dinner. At this dinner, we discover that Kristy's older brother Charlie has gotten over his bad habit of dating ugly chicks who wear pants larger than size 10 and has decided to marry a hot bitch named Aimee. OK. This is pretty inconsequential to the rest of the plot - I can't figure out why it's in here to begin with. Oh, I guess it's a Catalyst Relationship that gets Kristy and Bart back together. Riiiiiiiiiiight. We are also then treated to the knowledge that Kristy's older brother and his fiancee have spent the better part of the subsequent 12 hours knocking the boots, despite the fact that their ENTIRE FAMILY IS IN THE HOUSE. Have a little bit of restraint, you two! Or at least go out to Charlie's car!

‘Well actually’ he said after a gulf of Apple Juice ‘I think Aimee has something to ask you’
Is that somewhere near the Gulf of Mexico?
Sorry. XD

In Chapter 4, Kristy's daughter Katie develops a mysterious illness which turns out to be bacterial meningitis. Now, I'm going to display my inherently gentle nature here and not rip too hard into the inaccuracies present in Katie's symptoms. After all, this author is clearly not a doctor, and neither am I. So, I will direct you to this page or this page. Regardless of what kind of meningitis Katie has, she should have been immunized against it, unless Watson's millions of dollars were insufficient to cover this. At any rate, I think the author knows about as much about meningitis as she does about sex and drinking, so a lot of the impact of this scene was lost in the whole "Everything I Need To Know About Illness, I Learned From The Internet" presentation of Katie's illness.

At this point, Kristy cries. A lot. Hey, I-Can-Do-Anything Kristy? Where'd you go? I kind of liked you IN THE CANON. At every turn, Kristy takes the opportunity to cry. Yeah, I realize that Kristy is supposedly worried about her child, but I can't imagine that she'd be THIS emotionally fragile. If she was this weak, I'd really hate to know what happened to her when people at school teased her about being pregnant. The doctor arrives, says that Katie may have meningitis, and Kristy once again bursts into tears. See, I dunno, I think she'd get mad instead of bawling like a little girl...oh, wait! She IS still a little girl! Well, it all makes sense now. Kristy beats herself up and says that she's a bad mother for not immediately recognizing that Katie had a life-threatening illness. Now, I suppose this might be in-character if we were referring to take-charge never-say-die Powerful Kristy, but I think she abandoned this story about five bouts of tears ago and left us with Clingy Codependent Kristy.

Yawn. Anyway, Katie gets medicated and isolated - the isolation, I'm told by my friend who knows about these things, is unnecessary, and Cipro is used as a prophylactic more than it is an antibiotic. But I won't dwell on this, and move on to the more offensive Author's Note that ends this chapter:

AN: Thanks for the amazing reviews. One person said that they didn’t buy the story, And Kristy & Bart never even got passed kissing, Without her feeling uncomfortable, Well Kristy & Bart did move on from that. And Krsity one night just decided to do it. Very unlike Kristy I know. But this is fiction.

Okay. This is fiction, sure. But if you're going to write someone completely out of character, for god's sake, it's TIME TO WRITE YOUR OWN ORIGINAL FICTION. Because so far, the similarities between the Kristy Thomas that appears in the Baby-Sitter's Club books and the Kristy Thomas in this fanfic are in name only. I was going to say 'in fashion' too, but later on, Kristy puts on a blue halter top to cover her pink bikini, which is not exactly an outfit that I can see Kristy choosing to wear on her own. So, if you have no interest in writing these people in character, just change their names and call it 'original fiction'. Enough people do that already, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to have one more to add to the pile.

Moving on. Kristy spends the following two days doing nothing but crying, and gets upset when people try to make her eat/sleep/bathe. Mmkay. But of course she's willing to accept Bart and cry into his arms.

'Mommy, Is that you?' Katie said from her bed
Kristy walked to the bed, Sat down in a chair and took Katie's hand into her own
'Yes, I'm here' she said
Katie smiled,
Which made Kristy want to cry again
'I cannot cry' she told herself

You know what, I should have been playing a drinking game with myself so far. I bet it'd make this review funnier too.

- One drink every time Kristy cries.
- Two drinks if she's crying into Bart's arms.
- One drink whenever a main character's name is misspelled.
- One drink every time there's a sex-related implausibility.
- One drink for every pointless cameo by other Baby-Sitters Club members.
- Two drinks whenever I stop and remind myself that this is SUPPOSED to be a Baby-Sitters Club fanfic.

Alright. I think we're ready to go. Kristy starts having Hearfelt Feelings about her daughter - this is evident from the shift in writing style from broken, misspelled, badly punctuated prose to broken, misspelled, badly punctuated songfic style. No credit is given to the original artist who performed the song, but it's by an artist from the UK, "Travis". Here are the full lyrics to the song, mocked by the site owner. It's only appropriate that I link to a lyric site that's as snarky as I am.

Three drinks in that section alone. ALL RIGHT!

Katie recovers, Kristy cries, and the other Baby-Sitters show off their always fashionable sense of style by sending Katie a hodgepodge of clothing that probably rivals a road flare in visibility when combined. But Kristy has an even better present for her - completely ignoring the fact that Kristy is supposedly in college despite being 17 AND raising a child on her own - they're going to Disneyworld! So, school schedules, financial obligations, and any other 'real life' restrictions shoved completely aside, Kristy, Katie, Bart, Bart's little brother, and Bart's parents hop onto a plane and take off for THREE WEEKS in Florida.

‘I’ll take her’ Peter volunteered (AN: Peter is Bart’s lil bro, I have been frantically looking 4 the boy’s name but I just can’t find it, So could sum 1 Tel me!)

I don't even think I need to comment on this. Let's move on.

When they arrive, Bart's parents explain the rooming situation to Kristy and Bart. Wow, apparently Kristy's not the only thing missing periods in this fic.

‘You’re both 17, And I must say we all agree a lot more mature than people your age as you have your fantastic daughter, Bart can have his own room, And you and Katie could share Kristy’ He said

That's right! Because we all know that only mature people have sex, get pregnant, and have children while they're still in middle school. That's the mark of maturity right there!

Kristy nodded, She had a feeling she knew where this was going

‘If you were considering it, There’s one room with a double bed, And the other with two singles, So if you wanted to you too could both share, In the room with the double bed’

...are these people TRYING to encourage another teenage pregnancy? I hope Bart knows a little bit more about contraception than he did when he was 13.

They both nodded

‘Well Janet, Ted’ Kristy said ‘I know I’ll probably stay with Katie, But maybe one night we might…’

‘Yes, You may share a room. BUT we all agree were not sure about you two doing that sort of stuff, If you both want too, Then Kristy then you must phone your mum and step-father and clear it with them, And Bart you must let us know okay?’

...dude, WHAT? XD Am I reading this right? Okay, I think this deserves two or three drinks. Bart's parents invite two 17 YEAR OLDS who have a history of irresponsible unprotected sex to Florida, offer them a room with a bed that they'd share, and then tells them that should the idea of sexual activity cross their minds, they are required to call up their parents on the spur of the moment and ask for permission.

Okay, I'm done laughing! Really! I'm only gasping for air because the atmosphere is very thin here in WHAT-THE-FUCKVILLE. Now, I know that you are all rational human beings, so I'm not alone in thinking that this would NEVER EVER HAPPEN. Now, I'm actually pretty close to my parents, especially compared to a lot of people I know. I can tell my parents when I've done certain things that might cause other parents to freak out. But I cannot fathom the idea of calling up my parents at 12:32 AM when I've suddenly decided to knock the boots and ask them for permission. This is how I think it'd go:

*phone rings*
Kristy's Mom: Mmmph, it's 12:30 AM. Who is this?
Kristy: It's me.
KM: Is everything all right?
K: Of course. Bart and I are just going to have sex, is that OK? We'll attempt birth control, but I can't make any promises.
KM: I'd prefer that you didn't.
K: ...mmm, kthx.
*hangs up*
Bart: What did she say?
Kristy: Who cares. Let's screw.

‘Kristy’ Bart said
‘Yeah’ she answered back
‘How do you feel about sharing a bed then?’
‘I’m not sure Bart’ Kristy said ‘It’s an awful big step’
‘I know, but we’re older and more mature… I think we could handle it, and I promise no stuff until you say so’

That's honorable of you, Bart. More guys should promise not to force sex on their girlfriends, especially after knocking them up, cheating on them, and proving time and time again that you can be trusted about as far as you can be thrown. You know, I can't remember what Bart was like in the canon, but I'll bet he wasn't quite like this. It's not educational and family-friendly, after all!

Kristy changed into some white shorts and a baby blue halter neck top. Underneath was her pink bikini.

You know, if she's not already self-conscious about her body after having been pregnant at age 14, I can't see her getting any better to the point of wandering around in a bikini, since we all know that your self-esteem is at a lifelong low during those years.

I'm going to interrupt this EXCITING TRIP TO FLORIDA and comment on this:

They all got off and then went on the high swing ride (AN: U know you go really high and you go round and round, and you’re on swings, I just can’t remember the name!)

This is what footnotes were created for, honey. And besides, why are you telling us that you can't remember the official name of the high swing ride? I think it's sufficient to just tell us that it's a swing ride that spins around high in the air. Then again, I feel less bad about saying "this author doesn't know about what she's writing about" because the contextual author's notes are pretty much endorsing that for me.

In chapter 10, Katie gets her Big Surprise - she's being written out of the fic and gets to experience life outside, of a world That is presented. In this sort, of fromat. Of course she isn't. The family goes to Disney World, Katie cries a lot (I wonder where she learned that trick) and they go on rides. Yawn. Now, to the author's credit, I vaguely remember the Baby-Sitter's Club book where the entire group goes to Disney World, and it was full of equally dull description. When they return from the Magic Kingdom, there's a LOVE LETTER for Kristy. OOOOOOOOOOH. It's from Bart's father Bart's brother Peter. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?! I'M GONNA DIE FROM ANTICIPATION. I'll bet that it's NOT a bloody rage on Katie's part where she kills her ridiculous parents. No, that would make the fic interesting. XD

So, let's see. Aside from the inaccurate characterization, frequent misspellings, terrible grammar, embarrassing punctuation, unbelievable plot twists, and cliche after mind-numbing cliche, what else is there to say about this fic? I know that I compared reading The Baby-Sitters Club to reading Harry Potter at the beginning of the review, but one thing that Harry Potter has over the BSC books is source material that may not be the most original story in the world, but the writing in Harry Potter is quite good, the story isn't inane, and J.K. Rowling doesn't employ frequent, annoying parenthetical notation.

Save yourself some time - don't even bother with Baby-Sitter's Club fanfic. Especially this one. If you want to be entertained by fluffy teenage writing, read the original books. Hell, if you think the baby-sitting is stupid, just skip over those scenes. I started to ignore them towards the end of my re-reading. Go watch the Lifetime Original Movie "15 And Pregnant" if you want a stupid story about teenage pregnancy and follow it up with an early episode of "Beverly Hills 90210" for lame, soap operatic teenage antics.

And to the author: It seems that using a spell-checker on your fic - which I doubt that you do, seeing as names come up in a spellchecker and "Kristy" was misspelled more times than I can count - is too much work for you. In this case, please enlist one of your fans from the comments on your fic, or perhaps one of your school friends, to be a beta-reader of your fanfic. Rereading your own work for consistency and coherency is not something that should be too much work for someone who is going to post her writing in a public forum. Do your papers for school look like this when you turn them in? Man, I certainly hope not.

Spelling and grammar are to the internet world as tooth-brushing and hair-washing are to the real world. No matter how nice of a person you are, people are still going to form a bad opinion of you based on your outward presentation and hygiene. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to post an author's note that reads, "I have been frantically looking 4 the boy’s name but I just can’t find it, So could sum 1 Tel me!" it's approximately equal to going outside with knots in your hair and a week's worth of scum between your teeth.

Even better than the real thing o/~

Wow... the Babysitters Club. Now that's a blast from the past. Thank you Pink Freak, for returning my awkward junior high school years to me! Could you do a "Nancy Drew" fanfic next? K thx.

I think the scary thing about this is that since the books seem to have been out of print for years now, anyone old enough to remember the BSC would at least be in their late teens-early 20s. That is, unless she was "lucky" enough to get them as hand-me-downs from someone else. It really makes me sad to think of people old enough to drink, vote, and gamble writing this poorly, it really does...

(P.S. - I was expecting the Mallory/Jessi fic to be the ff.net BSC fic to have the honour of being on Ficbitches... oh well)

Re: Even better than the real thing o/~

Actually, I was saying to Leather Daddy that if this review goes well enough, the Mallory and Jessi fic where they practically have orgasms while reading "Saddle Club" together would be the next fic I reviewed. XD

Apparently there have been new BSC books published as recently as 1999, which means you don't have to be in your 20s to have read the books. Which actually makes Claudia's terrible fashion WORSE, since that sort of crap could be forgiven in 1988, but in 1998, spiked bangs and a lime-green sweater just isn't something that I can easily let pass.

Oooh. Babysitter's Club. Much more inane and repetetive than the Harry Potter books, I'm afraid.
Did you know that there's an entirely new series based on Dawn now that she's back in California? It's written in that font that looks like handwriting and is impossible to read.
...Don't ask how I know this, please.

Bart did we use protection?’
‘Yes and No, But more no than yes, Okay no’



Yep. Makoto and Minako from Sailormoon. :P

Heh, I've read "My Girl". Now I feel weird for leaving good reviews...to be honest, I did think it was an okay read. But yeah, Kristy was rather OOC and the spelling and grammar could've used some work. And yes, author's notes should be left before or after the actual fic. Reading (A/N [insert note here]) gets very tiresome after awhile...

Like I said, I found it an okay read. But I've read better. With proper spelling and grammar.

But not Michiru and Haruka. ;)

Gee, I hope I'm not the only one who found that to be altogether disturbing. Just the THOUGHT of any of the baby sitter club members having sex at 13... or at all for that matter- it just shatters the perfect image of the happy little do-gooders, save the whales, save the trees, spread the love image of the girls that I'd had for so long... I mean, truly, I'm saddened by this fic.
You're right about the fashion sense (or lack thereof) in the original series and in this fic too. And now that I've sat down and thought about Kristy having sex, I have to say that I really do see her being more attracted to women who LOOK like men, rather than men. In fact, as soon Bart whipped it out, you'd think she would have taken one look at it, laughed, and then walked out the door, realizing that she's a closet dike. Again, this is my opinion. But good job reviewing, I laughed a lot! Where the hell do FIND these horrible pieces? I shudder to think it can be that easy...

You're not the only one that was horrified by the entire concept of this fic. That's why this one beat out the Jessi/Mallory EROTIC HORSE BOOK READING to be ficbitched.

Where do we find these fics? Most often on http://www.fanfiction.net. There's badfic for EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN on there. Happy reading!

Things like teenage pregnancy and rape bother me in real life, but in well-crafted stories, I am willing to deal with them. (Note the 'well-crafted stories'; I am aware that both rape and teenpreg are miserably over-used as shortcuts to angst.)

Nevertheless, teenpreg fics can be intruiging, but only because of the attention paid to all of the details this author decided to overlook. Annie's Baby, edited by Dr. Beatrice Sparks, and Riding in Cars With Boys starring Drew Barrymore, are both fascinating precisely because they examine all of what this writer glossed over. Details, description, characterization: everything this fic lacked.

Damn it, I am the devil, and the devil is in the details because the devil loves to frolic among them because the devil is a nosey little fuck. I trawl web sites and interrogate friends so that I get all of the details right... I write pages of extraneous material to get into a character...

At least I know that's why my stuff is better than this. x_x

I can only wish that instead of writing a fifth chapter after "Getting Harder Each Day" for "One Night," the author would just have Kristy commit suicide so things wouldn't be quite so hard for her. Logically following this... yes! It would remove all need for the existence of "My Girl!" Let joy commence.

I vaguely remember these books! What I remember much more clearly (being an old, old, old fart) is the Sweet Valley High nonsense. It was all aimed towards the same basic audience: middle-class American adolescent girls...

You know there's a raving shitload of craptacular Jessica/Elizabeth lesbian twincest out there! And I am not going to look!

Nngh. Painful. Very, very painful.

Jessica/Elizabeth lesbian twincest? ....What?

I devoured Babysitter's Club books when I was little, but I could breeze through them in about an hour -- escapist literature at ten! I was a strange child.

Even so, there are things that just shouldn't be messed with. There wasn't any sexual tension between those girls! Hell, there wasn't even sexual tension between the girls and their boyfriends. They were the kind of literary girls who're so girly they probably don't even have functional genetalia. Just a bunch of euphemisms between their legs that might bleed once a month.

In short, I hate you, Moo, and I hope you die.

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
(One of the virtues of a Babysitters Club book, as I fondly recall: if you have fifteen minutes to kill, a BSC book read cover-to-cover will pretty much exactly fill up that amount of time.)

Took a stab at reading "Just ONE Night". This author seems to have the same problem with commas that seedy motels have with cockroaches: they show up at the worst possible moments in the worst possible places.

In other news, I laughed so hard I nearly snarfed my water. The lyrics were a nice bonus, too! XD

hey, I'm 15, and I remember the BSC. even back then I hated it.

Goosebumps, man. It's all about the Goosebumps.


Whooo, I feel you. I think (though I'm embarrassed now to admit it) that I owned just about all of the Goosebumps series. How about Fear Street? Ever check those out in your school library? Man I'm dork. Luckily, I've moved on to some better fiction, but I do remember back in the day when R.L. Stein (sp?) and BBC where some of my favorite series'... Mostly, though, I was fond of the Chronicles of Narnia, and that still hasn't changed.

Re: Goosebumps (Anonymous) Expand


Your reviews of crappy fiction make me feel so much better about my own writing as well as bring some nostalgia with you BBC review. Then again, it makes me sad to think there are people who actually consider some of this crap actually good.
Yaoi Huntress Earth

Spelling and grammar are to the internet world as tooth-brushing and hair-washing are to the real world. No matter how nice of a person you are, people are still going to form a bad opinion of you based on your outward presentation and hygiene.

Thank you so much for making this your final point. I've been seeking a concise way to explain the importance of spelling and grammar on the internet for ages, and I'm going to quote you (if I may) from now on.

I think I came up with that in IRC one night, when a particularly annoying tard was complaining about the 'grammar nazis' that politely asked him to rephrase sentences like, "o i c u dont like ne1 who doesnt do wat u like" into a more readable format. He said that it made him upset when people thought he was stupid because he talked like that, and then I came up with the grammar == hygiene analogy.

Anyway, please quote at your leisure. :D

You know, I would appreciate a story about the dark underbelly of the BSC if you know, it didn't suck.

I wanted to give you a good recommendation. I really did. I don't know why I thought that somewhere out there existed a fic that represented the seedy underbelly of the Baby-Sitters Club without being a pile of crap, but I'm an optimist and a dreamer. XD So Leather Daddy and I looked through the R-rated section of the Pit of Voles. Sadly, we could not find anything that wasn't terrible.

The best of the worst seems to be this fic: (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=184152).
I think its saving grace is that it's approximately 200 words long.

I was going to post the entire conversation that Leather Daddy and I had, but LJ won't let me post a comment that long. :P

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Re: My Little Pony porn? (Anonymous) Expand
Well. That was certainly a blast from the past. Being of the male persuasion, my reading was more along the lines of the Hardy Boys (No, not Jeff and Matt. The *other* Hardy boys) and Goosebumps.

Goosebumps. Goodness. Goosebumps-fic would probably make me slaughter the world in a fit of pique.

High quality review, by the way. I enjoyed it a good deal. (Author's note: I'm serious. It was pretty damned good.)

How about TMNT slash? Or better yet, He-man/She-ra erotic fanfiction. Quality stuff.

(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
O.o fandf Expand
(no subject) (Anonymous) Expand
Oh my god. My childhood has been officaly raped with the though of Mallory and Jessi hot lesbo sex.

As if there had to be one thing that I'd hoped could never be corupted with the horror of fanfiction.

(Um... let me know if you find Wind in the Willows slash)


No, really, no need to thank me. I just try to do good deeds wherever I go. *ahem*

I think we can forgive this fic's existance if the author is only 12 years old or so, considering that's the target age range for the books. That still doesn't make the fic not suck though.

...Jessi and Mallory femslash. My innocence is forever gone.

We can only HOPE that the author is 12 years old. But I'm currently reading another superb example of Baby-Sitters Club fanfiction, and the author's notes for Chapter 2 clearly state that she is a high school senior. I'm afraid that many of the ficcers are clearly out of the Target Age Range of the books. But then again, look at the target age for Harry Potter, and how many people outside of the target age range read/fic it.

NOTE: I do NOT want to read a bunch of angry proselytizing responses about why Harry Potter is perfectly acceptable to read/fic when you are 25 years old. I am in my 20s, and I like Harry Potter. I'm not commenting on whether this is right or wrong - I'm just using HP as an example of children's literature as a whole. Thanks.

And GH, your innocence was gone a long time ago, I'm afraid. XD