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The Addams Family :: The UPS Guy
Velvet Venus
ficbitches
The Addams Family :: The UPS Guy

Reviewed by: Velvet Venus


SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (what characterization?)
PLOT: 1/5
WRITING: 2/5
GRAVITY DEFYING HAND-JOBS: 5/5



First off, welcome to our new home at LiveJournal, everyone! After talking about moving for almost a year, the ficbitches finally got off their collective asses and moved themselves over to a new home. There are several new features, first, you’ll notice the spiffy menu to your left, those links are sorted by Ficbitch and if you go to our memories section you’ll also find stories sorted by series. Another new feature is you can now leave comments on each individual entry; we’ve updated the FAQ on our policies for both LJ and comments, so if you want to leave a comment read this first.

NOTE: Feel free to comment on any and all of the older reviews; we know that people have disagreed with some of them in the past, and now's your chance to comment! Well, if you liked the review, drop us a line too. ~ LD




Now, Leather Daddy has been after me to review this story for years. When she first showed me this story some time ago it resulted in several minutes of staring at the screen in disbelief.</p>

I have to admit, the feedback request made me laugh. Criticism hits like a stake to my heart. Praise is very welcome. The truth comes out; the Author is a feedback vampire. So only send feedback if you have something positive to say or you’ll stake them! I would imagine the author doesn’t receive much feedback for this story.

The house was empty.

The end. Okay, not really, but you know, if the house was really empty it wouldn’t be much of a story. The next several lines go on to describe the various things going on in the house; like the cat having a snack and the bear rug taking a nap. Things that wouldn’t be happening if the house were empty. Sadly, dear reader, these are not the worst logic problems with this story. The author then reveals to us that something left in the house likes pop music, a fact that would never be tolerated by the rest of the family.

From the shadow cast on the wall it looked like a hideously deformed roller skate but no it wasn't the roller skate but the rider who wasn't deformed but different.

Think for a second about how Thing tends to stand.  Now, take that image and put him standing on a roller skate. Perhaps it is just me, but the shadow cast from that seems to be shaped very much like that of an old fashioned roller skate. The author also can’t seem to decide what exactly the subject is in that sentence. First it’s the shadow, then it’s the rider. I don’t remember Thing being deformed, aside from lacking a body, it was a perfectly normal functioning hand.

He hit the edge of the staircase and flew through open space. It seemed as though he was moving through liquid amber as he approached the other side.

A quick little lesson in geology, you might remember this from Jurassic Park. Amber is made from fossilized resin, or tree sap. So when the author says liquid amber, what they’re really saying is that Thing is oozing his way through sap. A pretty image indeed. Thing lands at the bottom of the staircase and starts panting. Yes, panting. The author does go on to admit that Thing doesn’t actually have a body, mouth or organs to pant with, but if he did, then he would be.

At just under six feet tall and with a nicely toned bod and tan every woman and even a few guys though he was just totally fuckable. It also didn't hurt the way a few locks of his jet black hair fell into his amazingly emerald green eyes.

We cut to David, UPS deliveryman extraordinaire. Hello, Marty Stu. David has lots of wonderful Marty Stu qualities, he’s eminently fuckable, he’s better than all his coworkers, and he’s unafraid of all the mumbo jumbo whispered about the Addams Family. So he drives up to the mansion and as he’s walking up to the door he hears the pop music playing. Thing is playing Queen.

It sure as hell wasn't the kind of that a kindly old lady or even the other kind of lady would be playing. It was then that he remembered glancing at a music magazine that said some of the top groups usually rent rambling old mansions to fuck around in.

If anyone can tell me what that was about, I’d appreciate it. On second though, don’t. David the UPS Guy has already mentioned he knows that Addams family lives there, so I don’t understand why he might be thinking some old lady would be living in the home. He walks up, rings the door bell and Thing opens the door.

"Hello," he called into the house. "UPS delivery." He pushed the door more fully opened and walked inside. "Well fuck me," he said as he wondered into the main foyer. "This place totally rocks. There must be a group living here." He made his way further into the house but as he approached the living room he stepped straight onto Thing's skate.

Perhaps this is just me again, but most people, even those who are eminently fuckable, wouldn’t just walk into a house whose door had opened mysteriously while declaring, “fuck me.” So he steps on the skate, slips and falls onto the floor. As he’s passing out from hitting his head on the floor David manages to say, “I’m fucked.” A rather astute observation in this story, I have to say.

Thing, being the considerate host, rushes over to our unconscious deliveryman and feels him up. To make sure nothing is broken, of course.

Satisfied there was no obvious breaks Thing slowly made his way up David's inside thigh and landed delicately on his crotch which also needed to be checked for trauma.

That is quite possibly the best excuse for a hand job I’ve ever heard. So Thing proceeds to give David quite a stiffy while he’s making sure nothing’s broken. Obviously his first check wasn’t enough, so Thing feels David up all over again. This time the description is interspersed with comments describing David’s perfect body.

If Thing had a tongue he was sure that they would be heaven to lick and trace the lines of the muscles but Things fingers were amazingly sensitive and would do nicely. He caressed those abs as only he could savouring the silky smoothness of them.

So now not only can Thing pant, but he can also taste things with his fingers. I’m not entirely sure I want to give that too much thought. When I do I start getting mental images of things like Steve Oedekerk’s tongue from Kung Pow. So Thing gets bold and undoes David’s pants. And shock of all shocks, David has a crooked dick.

Okay, no, I’m kidding. He has a “most amazing cock, practically perfect in everyway: nicely veined, perfect head and seven inches long.” Thing, of course, drools over this perfect piece of man meat, forgetting for a moment that he doesn’t have a mouth. Thing then gives David your typical hand job, ignoring the fact that Thing doesn’t have an arm to move himself up and down along the erection while his fingers are occupied. Oh wait, I know, Thing has arm-like powers even though he doesn’t have an arm too!

New levels of wrongness are explored when Thing whips David’s pants down and starts fingering the boy.

Thing moved in and out like he was doing four fingered pushups. David's bucking became more intense.

I suppose I should be glad that Thing didn’t attempt to fist the poor boy. Knowing the way this story was going, Thing might have gotten lost. After David gets his rocks off, Thing rolls around wallowing in his spunk. Considering all the other abilities Thing has been given in this story, I’m half surprised that Thing didn’t suddenly gain the ability to ejaculate.

David wakes up a short time later to find himself alone and covered in his own spunk. Much like the reader, David leaves the house wondering exactly what just happened.

The logic problems abound within the story. The author never quite seems to grasp the fundamental truth that Thing is just a hand and has no body attached to it. The writing leaves much to be desired, a proof reader could do a lot to help this story, but since nothing but positive feedback is accepted for this story, I suppose it’s a bit of a lost cause.



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And now, I'm getting the image of the UPS Guy from Legally Blonde walking into the Addams mansion ... am I supposed to be? (NOOOOOO!)

Granted, Thing does do a lot of Strange and Unbelievable Things during the course of the Addams Family series and movies due to its very premise, but without something to prop the "wrist" up, I just don't see this particular behavior as being possible. (Or has Thing added telekinesis to its talents?) Of course, I knew this would be bad when I saw that the first seventy-two paragraphs were single sentences (always an indication of skilled and powerful writing technique >_<).

Oh, heck, it's just bad. This author *needs* a stake to the heart, so to speak - just so they'll stop sucking.

Welcome to LJ. Please do continue to brighten our days by giving bad fanfiction the slapping it deserves.

...that mental image would be better than the one of Thing rolling around in spooge.

...I think knowing that a fic like this has actually been written as scarred me for life. Then again...I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that a fic like this exists either. Disembodied hand. Disembodied hand-job. It's a natural jump. Or something... -__-;;

Oh my GOD. o_O That. was. demented.

Love the fic bitches btw. :) *hugs n kisses*

GJ

Actually I work for UPS...

(Anonymous)
...with a coworker blessed/cursed with a name not unlike their recent ads. I shall simply leave one of his favorite quips as a comment:

Ask not what Brown can do for you
Ask what you can do for Brown.

Re: Actually I work for UPS...

Hahahahahaha! XD

We can give him a hand. *snicker*

-Velvet Venus

Re: Actually I work for UPS...

*snicker* Don't you mean, "Ask not what Brown can do for you, but who you can do for Brown"?
-Mercuria

I realized what was approaching halfway through...

(Anonymous)
...and started screaming.

Why did I finish reading this?

I think it was because: a) I couldn't believe that someone would actually do something like this, and b) the ficbitching helps make it better.

I'm starting to wonder if there is any possibility, no matter how perverted, that someone has not explored in some fandom. And gotten wrong.

Probably not.

-Limyaael.

Apparently Thing has adopted the old AT&T motto: "When you just want to reach out and touch someone."

Thank you. The image of Thing rolling in delivery-dude spooge has traumatized me for days to come. X_X;;; The fact that the author only accepts positive feedback for this disturbing piece of crap makes it obvious that he or she needs that slap to the head. Just to return him or her to fucking REALITY.

Welcome to LJ, by the way.

Sure, I've often thought that Vampire Hunter D's hand had sexy possibilities, but...

But...

Help.

If that is the lunacy that ensues when the UPS guy trots along, I fear the milkman tales. Fear.

Especially after the whole Gunsmith Cats vodka bottle incident. Is a milk bottle thicker? I should should stop thinking about this.

And welcome to LJ! It's nice to see.

...Okay. Addams Family porn?

Yeeesh. *gag*

Iori Baine here

(Anonymous)
[Jojo's Bizarre Adventure ref.]

When I even think of this fic, I start to think about Kira Yoshikage (Series 4). 'nuff said if you get what I'm talking about.

[/Jojo's Bizarre Adventure ref.]

Okay. So it's not just a porn story it's an ADDAMS FAMILY porn story. Featuring a character that doesn't even have a body screwing a character made up for this particular story. WHAT was point! Even for Porn this has no point!

Thank you, FicBitches...

...For helping traumatize yet another hapless friend. If you ever bitch a Beetlejuice fic, I'll be able to safely say that I have managed to make every single one of my friends cry from the sheer horror of fandom.

Thanks for giving me a place to come back to when all the dreck of the internet gets me down.

Oh boy. I don't even want to know how the author came up with the idea of a pairing including THING! He- no, wait- It is a hand for God's sake. After reading this I kinda stared at the screen with a look of great disbelief on my face for thiry seconds. Then I died.

He- no, wait- It is a hand for God's sake./i>

Which opens up new possibilties as to whether this could be considered slash or not, since Thing doesn't technically have a gender.

Huh. Given that Thing is (ahem) manually stimulating a perfectly muscled and well endowed UNCONSCIOUS delivery bloke, is this Non-Con Addams Family Porn? I assume that along with all his other amazing abilities, Thing will be able to sign onto the Sex Offenders Register. For shame, Thing.

What next? It slips roofies into Wednesday's drink and fiddles with her tits?

I...am actually leaning away from the computer screen, as if that will allow me to get farther away.

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