?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Harry Potter::Fuck Like An Egyptian</a
Ficbitches
ficbitches
Harry Potter :: Fuck Like An Egyptian
</b>
Review by: Golden Crotch


PLOT: 1/5
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5
WRITING: 4/5
NOSTRIL ABUSE: 5/5




NOTES FROM LEATHER DADDY:

And another guest review, this time from Golden Crotch! I have a few housekeeping issues to address before we get on to the review itself.

1) Emailing us: We answer. Really. But please be patient. I apologize for the delays! The email-answering duty has been unfairly delegated to a few, and I'm trying to remember to do my part in answering email.
2) Guest Reviews: Send them in, but please be willing to accept feedback on them - they may or may not be posted.
3) Is Leather Daddy some kind of sick masochist who gets pleasure out of reading really terrible fics? I heard that! And yes, yes I am. Considering what I do in the real world, it's almost pleasant to come home and gouge my eyes out after reading a Harry Potter hermaphrodite mpreg fic. And no, that wasn't a hypothetical example; the father is Snape, and the, uh, mother was Harry himself.

And now, on with the review!





Before reading this review there are two things you need to know about me: 1) I prefer het to yaoi and 2) Harry Potter fandom scares me.

Now it’s time for the review.

Our story so far (3 paragraphs): Hermione is sitting in the library waiting for Draco to finish using the book she needs for her homework.

Annoyed, Hermione felt a tickle in her nose, and reached up with the end of her pencil to scratch the outside of her nostril. A moment later, she jumped as Malfoy dropped the huge tome on the table in front of him. The pencil slipped, and she cringed as the eraser slipped into her nose. She dropped the pencil and tensed, awaiting the barrage of verbal abuse, the taunts she was sure were about to follow.

Tome? Tome? Obscure vocabulary alert!


But he didn’t say a word. He just smiled, and leaned forward, and licked his bottom lip suggestively. "You know, Granger, there are better things to stick in that particular orifice."


Orifice? Obscure vocabulary alert #2. Does anyone even talk that way? Anyone? No, didn’t think so.

You shall see the orifice he’s talking about shortly.

Draco pointed his wand at her nose and Hermione heard him whisper, slowly and sensuously, an engorgement charm.

She felt her nose begin to grow.

Then, before she could cry out, Draco had eased her gently back onto the library table, deftly unzipping his fly and kissing her once before pulling his – well, what Lavender and Pavarti always spoke of as a "love truncheon" – but really, it did seem a bit of a silly way to put it.

Truncheon: obscure vocabulary alert #3! Would Lavender or Parvati even know what that word means?

He pulled his "love truncheon" -- where? Out? wn? Out from under the table? This is also a run-on sentence. If you can’t read it out-loud without taking a breath (or in my case, having fits of laughter) then it’s probably too long.

Try this for a rewrite: "Then, before she could cry out, Draco had eased her gently back onto the library table, deftly unzipping his fly. He pulled out his – well, what Lavender and Parvati always spoke of as a "love truncheon" – but really, what a silly thing to call it."

Oh dear. I can’t believe I actually rewrote something like that.

"Do I make you horny, baby? Do I make you randy? Do you want it, baby?" he asked breathlessly.

Draco Malfoy has obviously been channeling Austin Powers.

She opened her mouth as he lifted himself toward her face, feeling a surge of joy – how long had she dreamed of this happening? Then, as she arched her neck to take the throbbing organ into her mouth (she wondered, briefly, how she would fit the long, hard shaft past her lips), he plunged it deep, deep down…into her nostril.

He put it where? My brain is breaking.

She screamed with pleasure as Draco grabbed her ears, thrusting his thumbs deep into the warm, moist cavities of her inner ear. She heard him moan, and echoed it with her own soft cry of unexpected pleasure. She began to nod her head slowly, in time to the rhythms of Draco’s grinding hips, and she knew she was going white-knuckled from gripping the edges of the table so securely. She felt the pressure building in his cock, and her own nasal passage was threatening to burst.


He thrust his thumbs into her inner ears? I see! Draco’s evil plan is to make Hermione deaf.

And then it did, and Hermione felt the barrage of Draco’s hot love juices flowing into her sinuses. As he pulled out, leaning once more down to kiss her, she tasted the sweet, tangy flavor of the creamy product of their passion as it surged up into her mouth and passed through his tender lips, open and accepting of all she had to give him. Hermione herself came in floods from the sheer joy of having his tongue dueling acrobatically with hers.

I have no words.

Draco pointed at her still-stretched and aching nostril. "Shall I see to that?" he asked.

"I think you already have," Hermione replied with a coy smile.

"No, but should I put it to rights, I mean?"

She shook her head. "I’d rather keep it. So I know this," she gestured between them, "wasn’t just a wonderful dream."

Ah yes. Nothing is more wonderful than having semen in your nostril.

Of course, then I read this:

"i'd like to dedicate this fic to all the hermione/draco 'shippers out there, and point out that the only thing twisted about this relationship is that it's bloody het. draco is such an effeminate , racist little pansy that he'd not be caught dead putting any of his anatomy into any of herm's. she's a mudblood. hell, parents in wizarding families of good repute probably tell their sons that sticking 'it' in a mudblood will make it fall off. he really may as well sleep with crookshanks; that would be a more believable relationship."

So, this fic is supposed to make us cringe? Okay, I can (sort of) deal with that since works very, very well. However, I have other issues.

Leaving aside the distracting lack of capital letters, which point is the author complaining about? Is she complaining because Draco/Hermione is a het relationship or is she complaining because she thinks that this relationship would be out of character? Now, if she’s complaining about #2, perhaps she has a point.

I agree that Draco showing interest in Hermione is unlikely (although the popular Snape/Hermione is more unlikely). However, fanfiction is just that – fiction created by fans. All fanfic is unlikely. There are less than six canon pairings that I can think of: James/Lily, Arthur/Molly, Harry/Cho, Cedric/Cho and Lucius/Narcissa. Anything else, even Ron/Hermione, is not canon (yet).

Het pairings are just as likely (actually, more likely) than the slash pairings. The author wrote a Lucius/Harry fic, which is more unlikely than Draco/Hermione in my opinion. Hermione is a Muggle and so is Lily. Therefore, the argument should be the same for Lucius/Harry. Apparently slash pairings can break the rules that het pairings can’t. Since I do prefer het to yaoi, this double standard drives me crazy.

As for Draco/Crookshanks – well, there is a Siruis/Buckbeak fic out there somewhere. I just can’t remember where.

</font>


In nitpicking the vocabulary, there's one important thing to remember: the "Harry Potter" kids are English. So words that aren't of common use in America might not be so unlikely to educated English kids.

That is something good to keep in mind. While I wouldn't normally think "orifice" and "truncheon" are in common usage among British boarding school kids, this is Hermione we're talking about here. :) And "tome" probably is relatively common among Hogwarts students, given that they're more likely to be studying out of a dusty old book than not.

(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
I don't know about anyone else, but 'tome' and 'orifice' aren't really something I would blink at. I use them, and so do most people I know. I'll grant you 'truncheon', but it's kind of odd to assume no one says 'orifice'. Maybe you don't threaten people often?

Huh?

(Anonymous)
>>Hermione is a Muggle and so is Lily. Therefore, the argument should be the same for Lucius/Harry. Apparently slash pairings can break the rules that het pairings can’t. Since I do prefer het to yaoi, this double standard drives me crazy.<<

Honey this sentence makes no sense. What the hell does Lily and Hermione being muggle born have to do with the HarryxLucius pairing?
In case you missed it Harry is a pure-blood. So if your saying that Lucius can't have sex with Lily or Hermione because they're muggle borns then that rule wouldn't apply to Harry.

Don't get me wrong I think HxL is one of the oddest pairings I've heard of, but your logic here seems flawed.


Icz

Re: Huh? (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Huh? (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Huh? (Anonymous) Expand
Stupid typo! (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Huh? (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Huh? (Anonymous) Expand
I ... can't believe it ... where the HELL do you guys FIND this stuff?! Heehee, good job though. It made me laugh. A lot. And made me want to submit a guest review.

I read it. *weeps* Curse my eyes, I actually read the bloody thing! *weeps some more* The title alone should have been a clue that this is NOT Shakespeare, but did I listen to my instincts? Nooooo.

Eh well. I got a good laugh out of it. There is something charmingly aromatic and alluring about the truly warped imaginings of young fanpeoples' minds.


Umm...

(Anonymous)
...Maybe I'm just missing the point but I'm having a hard time believing that the main thing being argued upon is whether or not Harry's a pure-blood or not. Seems like missing the perverse forest for nitpicky trees.

Draco just screwed Hermione up the NOSE. THE NOSE! I...It's her NOSE!

And I don't CARE how many times the author claims they MEANT to make us vomit in absolute terror. It's still just as wrong to me. Spooge in the sinuses, people? Excuse the proliferation of the thought but: If she tried hard enough, Hermione could currently cry tears of semen being that it's been shoved that far up there. Ooh. Good times.

And about the Lucius/Harry thing, I really don't think that's a legitimate pairing for most of the reasons mentioned by others. It's all well and good for PWPs but most authors I've seen writing about THAT duo are constantly trying to justify their stories with romance and hidden affection. Good God, I hate that.

-Kim (Spacedcomix@yahoo.com)

P.S. Recently read that Addams Family UPS thing. I think it may have blinded me.


Re: Umm...

(Anonymous)
>>And about the Lucius/Harry thing, I really don't think that's a legitimate pairing for most of the reasons mentioned by others. It's all well and good for PWPs but most authors I've seen writing about THAT duo are constantly trying to justify their stories with romance and hidden affection. Good God, I hate that.<<

What and DracoxGinny is somehow more believeable? While I'm not a LuciusxHarry fan I dislike the concept that because a couple is het that it's instantly more believeable than a slash coupling.

And I'm sick and tired of hearing about the Grand Holy Love between Ginny and Draco. [Cause you know self-centered bastards always date the little sisters they barely know of a family the absolutely hate.]

As for the nose thing... I don't wanna think about I really don't. Please don't make me!



Icz

Re: Umm... (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Umm... (Anonymous) Expand

Speaking for myself...

(Anonymous)
Just speaking as a Brit kid myself, I knew what tome, orifice and truncheon meant when I was younger. I wouldn't have used the word "orifice" out of the bunch, because if I said it, I would have sounded... weird. But Draco was being sarcastic, of course, so it made sense. Truncheon was the *least* obscure - it's a thing a policeman carries, and as Hermione's a muggle-born, and of course super-smart, she would undoubtedly know it.

The rest of the fic is unjustifiable. There's nothing worse than someone writing a fic to
1) Make a point that such-and-such is "wrong", in their view, by using a parody,
2) And writing it as any form of "smut". >_< ::shudder::
3) "he really may as well sleep with crookshanks; that would be a more believable relationship." - God, please, please, don't give people ideas. *Please*.

Glad to see an LJ form - now I can review reviews (O_o) on a whole bunch of fics without fear of clogging up a guestbook.

- Valentine Angel

...Err....

...Am I the only one wondering here why she would find it pleasurable having thumbs stuck in her ears while being screwed up the NOSE?

*speechless*

*chokesputtergagspasmscreamtwitchconvulsegagchoke*

Okay...I...I have no words for this, this is...just...

A few years ago, me and some people I hung out with on IRC/AIM had a running joke about "nasal rape".

I deeply regret it.

I'm going to be sick...

(Anonymous)
Oh dear God... The NOSE? I-I-I... WHY? OH WHY??!! **Breaks down in tears**

Besides the nose thing, how did Hermione, uh, COME? I mean, there are no sex organs in the nose (obviously) so how was she able to feel any kind of pleasure whatsoever? And with Draco sticking his thumbs in her ears too? While he's quoting Austin Powers? Should I stop assuming that this fic should some how make any kind of sense to me?

I... I'm just going too - I don't know - lay down for a while and forget I ever read this.

~Zev~

Re: I'm going to be sick...

(Anonymous)
>>I mean, there are no sex organs in the nose (obviously) so how was she able to feel any kind of pleasure whatsoever?<<

Anything's possible. Haven't you ever watched Deep Throat? Heh. But yeah, the fic was awful.

WTF!

(Anonymous)
That was so...utterly disgusting. NOSE SEX! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WRITE ABOUT THAT?! I mean come on people, can you find one person who gets off on that? Do you know why? BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING. *sighs* Okay, i'm calm now. But,of all places,why the nose?

Ouch... compared to this, the hermaphrodite-Harry MPreg story is art. I'm actually rather fond of that particular story - especially as it actually had a halfway PLAUSIBLE reason for a man (or rather, hermaphrodite) falling pregnant, for once. And it's actually very well-written and surprisingly in character, if you can get past the huge AU leap that Harry is, in fact, a hermaphrodite. (I did, and enjoyed the story tremendously as a result.)

If anyone wants to know where to find this fic, let me know.

Jen / Quoth the Raven

I do! I do!

(Anonymous)
where is the fic? I like those types of stories coz.. well, they're just different..

I cannot possibly imagine how having someone's cock thrust violently into your enlarged nasal cavity would be erotic in ANY WAY. Or having their thumbs in the "warm, moist cavities of [her] inner ear".

I am weeping even as I write this.

Rumms

I can't help it. I burst out laughing. This is just too bizarre for words.

.....*eyes widen*

What is she had sneezed during that ordeal? Jumping Christ!

Also, Hedwig, i'm interested in hearing about that particular fic...

murdocniccals@mail.com

I happen to disagree with all of the "obscure vocabulary alerts" - most people either know or can figure out what these words mean. At most, these words are heavy-handed, not "obscure."

And about the nasal rape - that ranks right up there with this "fuck my foreskin" thing I heard about. *shudders*

I dunno. Docking seems *way* less digusting.