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Lucifer's Dark Angel: In Toto
Ficbitches
ficbitches
Lucifer's Dark Angel: In Toto

Reviewed By: Lunar Love

Gentle Reader, despite my continuing participation in this site, I have always fancied myself a kind -- nay, a benevolent -- person.

It has been proven to me now that I was, in fact, gravely mistaken.

It is much to the despair of the other Ficbitches that I occasionally -- often -- take sidesteps away from the site's original purpose, that of fic review. Oh, I still tread a path parallel to theirs, Gentle Reader. And today I intend to take another sidestep, for your enlightenment, and for mine. In the best spirit of ficbitching, Gentle Reader, I wish to present to you one particular authoress and her forty-nine works.



It is not usual for the Ficbitches to bring their ire to bear on the author, rather than the fic itself. I may well be out of line, Gentle Reader. And yet, I suspect not. If our goal is truly the edification (and amusement) of readers everywhere, and the calm review of less-than-stellar efforts, then I am, perhaps, acting for the greater good. Do not be fooled by my gentle demeanor and my mannered prose. I am a bitch. That is, after all, why I am here.
Let us both pretend that I am reviewing this author in toto rather than patiently ficbitching each of her fifty works. Did I say fifty here, and forty-nine above? I did indeed. The reason shall shortly become clear, Gentle Reader.

That being said, Gentle Reader, let us bend our eyes towards Ms. Lucifer's Dark Angel, the subject of my scorn.

Upon loading her fanfiction.net page, we discover what might very well be termed her fiftieth fic, her bio. It is imperative that you click the link above and view this masterwork for yourself, Gentle Reader. I wish to let you in on a little secret. Here beside me is a cheap green plastic ruler. Using this ruler (with IE's text size set to 100%), I measured her biography.

One hundred and sixty-six inches of 'bio', Gentle Reader. Over thirteen feet of text. It is impossible to sum up this masterwork in a simple review, but I shall try:

Blather.

List of favorite things: favorite song, anime, book, etc.

Blather.

Claim that aliens walk amongst us.

Blather.

Invective aimed at her teachers.

Invective aimed at her high school classmates.

Blather.

Chatter about her astrological signs.

Declaration that this is a 'no-flame' zone.

Talk about her art.

Blather.

Lengthy list of her Mary Sues.

Very lengthy.

I did mention lengthy.

Yes, lengthy.

Blather.

List of random quotations.

Lengthy list of online test results, including links to the tests in question.

Very lengthy indeed.

Lengthy invective aimed at one particular teacher, including a list of reasons why 'everybody hates him'.

==Halftime==

Another lengthy list of online test results.

Very, very lengthy.

Enormously so.

Blather.

A lengthy 'sketch' about same teacher, reinforcing over and over again her contention that he is gay.

And cross-dresses.

Blather.

Another list of random quotations.

Blather.

The closing line: 'LONG LIVE LUCIFER-SAMA!'

I find it odd, Gentle Reader, that while she delights in scorning her Literature teacher by calling him 'gay' and 'a cross-dresser', she lists her favorite video game character as... Kuja, from Final Fantasy 9. Oh, all right, and Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7, a game that involves a lengthy cross-dressing scene. (She spells her beloved's name as 'Sephorith', of course.) Let us also take note of her passion for the astonishingly sexually deviant Angel Sanctuary, Gentle Reader, and Belial in particular, a character specifically without gender.

I suppose that homosexuality and cross-dressing are perfectly acceptable, even desirable, in the abstract. In particular, however, they are the worst insults that her tiny, tiny mind can imagine.

These are cheap shots, Gentle Reader. Let it never be said that I was above cheap shots; indeed, Gentle Reader, I thrive on them.

However, given that we now know more about Lucifer's Dark Angel than we really wish to, let us move on now to her works. This is a fic review site, after all.

Ms. Lucifer's Dark Angel enjoys Invader Zim, Gentle Reader. I have yet to meet a person who could imitate Jhonen Vasquez's style with any skill. Nevertheless, she tries. Oh, how she tries. She also enjoys Frieza of Dragon Ball Z a little too much, in my estimable opinion.

But let me not be coy! Here. For your edification I present mini-reviews of all her works, in the order they were presented to me on her page. All spelling and capitalization is hers, Gentle Reader.


Hybrids of a Nature (Angel Sanctuary, NC-17)

Rociel/Alexiel, Gentle Reader. I mentioned this to an Angel Sanctuary fan of my acquaintance and she frothed at the mouth with rage. The sex is exactly what one expects of a high-school girl.


Girl of the Silver Mirror (Yu-Gi-Oh, PG-13)

Mary Sue.


What is it now? (Invader Zim, NC-17)

Mary Sue.


An Heiress For The Tallest (Invader Zim, G)

Potential Mary Sue.


A Virus and some Tots (Invader Zim, PG-13)

Mary Sue.


Looking For The Green (Invader Zim, PG)

Mary Sue.


Video games taken too seriously.... (Invader Zim, PG)

Same Mary Sue. NOW IN ALL CAPS. She blames her laptop.


Forbidden Love (Invader Zim, R)

Mary Sue. Paragraph breaks are occasionally optional.


A Long Walk On A Rainy Day (Dragon Ball Z, PG)

Mary Sue.


DragonBall Z Chatroom (Dragon Ball Z, PG)

I refuse to look.


Thoughts of Desire (Gundam Wing/AC, NC-17)

Actually not a Mary Sue. NOW IN ALL CAPS with plenty of spelling errors. The NC-17 rating is gratuitous; an R would have been acceptable. Still, erring on the side of caution is generally acceptable.


It's Our World (Gundam Wing/AC, PG)

Songfic. ALL CAPS.


The Hardest Thing (Gundam Wing/AC, PG)

Another songfic. ALL CAPS.


Festival Maiden (Dragon Ball Z, PG-13)

Mary Sue. ALL CAPS.


How Frieza and Celena became a couple. (Dragon Ball Z, PG)

Mary Sue. Blatantly. Right down to the title. ALL CAPS. No paragraphing. Run-on sentences. With writing skills like this, I begin to see why she dislikes her literature teacher. Doubtless he's thrown small objects at her head by now.


Pain Of The Innocent One (Dragon Ball Z, NC-17)

Mary Sue rapefic. Mary Sue, sister to other DBZ Mary Sue, dies. Much mourning, grave attracts 'flowers by the billions'. Death drives Frieza, her rapist, insane with guilt.


Word of Eternal Sleep (Broken Sky, PG-13)

Poem. Free verse.


Poetry of the 10 Wisemen (Star Ocean, G)

Haiku. With occasional syllabic mistakes. And footnotes.


Lucifer's Lament (Star Ocean, R)

Poem. Free verse. Free-floating angst.


Sonet to Cyril (Star Ocean, PG-13)

The title is correct in one respect: it's not a sonnet.


Belle's Suprise (Threads of Fate, NC-17)

Spelling is hers. So, unfortunately, is the paragraphing and HTML. Impossible to read through; requires side-scrolling. Very OOC.


Age of The Dragon (Jackie Chan Adventures, NC-17)

Mary Sue. Deserves a PG at worst.


Wishes on Stars (Invader Zim, PG-13)

One gigantic paragraph. Seems to wish reviews before she writes more.


Celena's Story (Dragon Ball Z, R)

Mary Sue. Each paragraph is deemed such a gem that it deserves its own chapter.


The DBZ's cast Has A Day Off (Dragon Ball Z, PG)

Script-style attempt at humor. I refuse to look.


Blood Of The Gods (Dragon Ball Z, NC-17)

Unfinished. Threatens to be a Mary Sue. Does not yet deserve that rating.


Paradise:Not Irk For Me! (Invader Zim, G)

Poem. Free verse. Mary Sue.


Zim's Hyperactive Song (Invader Zim, G)

Poem. Free verse. Mary Sue.


Zela's Hyperactive Song (Invader Zim, G)

Ditto. Free ditto. Ditto Sue.


Solider (Invader Zim, PG-13)

Poem. Free verse. Mary Sue. Centered text.


Love and Life (Invader Zim, PG)

Poem. Free verse. She invites us to guess who it's about. My guess would have to be 'your Mary Sue'.


Washira! (Invader Zim, PG)

Poem. Free verse. Pretentions to musical theater. Mary Sue.


Twilight Skies (Lunar: Silver Star, PG)

Poem. Free verse. Claims to be a rewriting of the Boat Song. Obviously desperately needed.


In My World (Lunar: Silver Star, PG)

Poem. Free verse. Rewriting of the opening song. Also desperately needed. Centered text.


Dragon, Dragon (Lunar: Eternal Blue, PG)

Poem. Free verse. Childish -- and centered -- text.


What Made A Madman (Broken Sky, PG-13)

Mary Sue. Another story in which every paragraph deserves its own chapter.


Forget The Words (Broken Sky, PG)

Poem. Free verse. Another poem in which you are invited to guess the character described. No one seems to have been able to guess yet.


Broken Hearts and Shattered Souls (Broken Sky, PG-13)

This fic has not actually been written yet. Instead we have a weak attempt at a 'trailer' and something that resembles author's notes, holding the fic's place until she actually writes it. Contains what appears to be multiple Mary Sues.


Through the Waves of Society (Invader Zim, PG-13)

Two people actually wrote reviews on this preview, asking for the fic. So here it is. Mary Sue. While gushing over the fact that two people liked her idea, she says: "This is a first! Usually people only review when I beg, otherwise its flames! Thank you!" I feel small and terrible for a moment. Then I read the next two paragraphs, and my sense of purpose returns.


Grim Reaper, Master of Souls (Broken Sky, R)

Poem. Free verse. Appears to concern one of her Mary Sues, but I'm growing weary of all this free verse and don't care enough to check.


I'm So Perfect (Invader Zim, PG-13)

Mary Sue. My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?


Letters To Siris (Invader Zim, R)

Mary Sue. Attempt at an epistolary fanfic, although she doesn't quite call it such.


Alone Yet Together (Invader Zim, R)

The summary says 'Done entirely through songs.' I refuse to look.


Angel Watching Over Me, I Will Be Your Guardian (Invader Zim, G)

Unfinished. If the first chapter has anything to do with Invader Zim, I can't see it. Is probably about one of her original characters.


Forgotten Importance (Invader Zim, PG-13)

Mary Sue. The same Mary Sue.


Monster (Invader Zim, R)

About one of her original characters, possibly not a Mary Sue. Oddly formatted. Lots of white space. Experimental, possibly; seems likely according to the summary.


Zela's Broken Heart (Invader Zim, R)

Mary Sue. Finished. Has the most reviews of any story she's written. She doesn't need another one.


Torn (Invader Zim, G)

Mary Sue. Used to contain pictures, on her own site; she didn't bother to reformat the fic before putting it up. Huge blocks of empty white space do not detract from the quality of the fic at all.


In conclusion, Gentle Reader, I have but two things to say:

1. My head hurts.

2. She spells school 'skool'.



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Thank you for this review.

(Anonymous)
Thank you for having the courage to attack something so- well, it's hideous and heinous in many different ways, so there's not one word to describe it.

Thank you for showing me that at least some of the English students I teach are screwed up before I ever see them, and that they acquire bad spelling and ridiculous prejudices all on their own.

Thank you for the line "Ditto. Free ditto. Ditto Sue," which for no reason made me laugh so hard my head hurt.

Thank you for the courage you showed in tackling FF.net bios, which in some cases are worse than the fics.

Thank you.

-Limyaael.

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