PLOT: 1/5 (Plot? What plot? Literally!)
WRITING: 6/5 (But not for the reasons that you think, Gentle Reader!)
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5(Inasmuch as Iason doesn't have much of a personality, he's right on target!
UNINTENTIONAL HILARITY AND WONDERFULNESS: 6/5
Well, Gentle Reader! While the other ficbitches prepare the second part of the MSTing, why don't you and I take a quick look at my very favorite Ai no Kusabi fanfic ever? Spoilers will abound, of course. Of course.
Let me be clear, Gentle Reader: The Longest Night is not by any stretch of the imagination an excellent or exceptional fic. It is, in fact, pure PWP (Plot? What Plot?) slashfic, explicit and smutty, and... interestingly written, to boot. More on that later.
That's right, it's Ai no Kusabi yaoi. Those of you who are familiar with Ai no Kusabi might well be saying, "How repetitive!"... and how right you'd be!
For those of you who aren't familiar with Ai no Kusabi, allow me to explain, in brief. The anime version of Ai no Kusabi, while containing a fairly deep (and somewhat dull) plot, mainly exists as life support to a handful of beautifully scened and just-this-side-of-explicit gay sex scenes. AnK is pure yaoi. AnK is about gay sex and relationships. (And, well, also about death and politics and society and so on and so on. But who cares? Gay sex!)
So why, exactly, does there need to be more smut written for this series, Gentle Reader? Besides the obvious? I suppose it's hard for even the most die-hard anti-yaoi activist to argue that Iason wasn't boinking Riki, considering you see him do it; that might be part of the appeal.
This particular author's rationale for this particular fic appears to be finally getting Riki to tell Iason that he loves him. Say it with me, Gentle Reader: awwww! Given that the entire dynamic of the canonical relationship is a fairly cruel emotionless master/wayward slave dynamic (with hints of love, yes, towards the end, love that's never spoken aloud or acted upon and certainly never will be, given the ending), certainly our author will have to employ every bit of her creativity and writerly skills in order to convince us, the Gentle Readers, of the rightness of her vision.
Or perhaps she'll just write a disembodied sex scene and then make him Say The Words, Gentle Reader!
Oh, that's cruel of me. All right. Perhaps she does insinuate several times during the course of the sex scene that Riki is acting differently: being more ardent, more forward, more of a willing partner for Iason than usual.
Or perhaps she doesn't.
We come, Gentle Reader, to the crux of the problem, and the very reason I love this fic more than breathing.
Our author, you see, comes from Brazil, as her email address attests. Whatever language this fic was originally written in, it wasn't English, Gentle Reader; this fic has been Babelfished into English (or an approximation thereof) and posted on ff.net. The result is often unintentionally hilarious.
The sex scene, as far as I can tell, is well written in its native language, and some of that conviction still carries over; but then you get to a set of sentences like the following, lifted bodily from the fic and unedited save for paragraphing:
"Sorry I kept you waiting", said Iason, caressing his cheek. " Have you hungry?"
"Yes...but not for eat...food."
Riki's eyes resembled throw fire flames. His whole body emanated heat. A hand came down until Iason's buttocks and tied gentleness through the fabric. The strong man shivered powerfully. The boy felt immediately a great erection when Iason leaned himself more, against his leg.
" I see you have "hungry", too", whispered Riki in Iason's ear.
... and it's understandable that you might get a little distracted, Gentle Reader. It's understandable that you might whoop aloud and share the joy with anyone who will listen. Goodness knows I did.
There's more, of course. At one point Iason erects Riki's nipples (doubtless with scaffolding and a hard hat). Iason's penis becomes a 'limb' (the author does not specify if he walks on it or picks things up with it; I suspect the former). Riki's anus appears to be calling to Iason! I suspect that it also makes prank phone calls while Riki sleeps. Oh, and when Iason comes? "Iason loosened a powerful moan that made Riki shivered; he felt the member cherished inside him and spited the hot liquid." All right, cherishing Iason's member I can possibly see, but if so, why spite the semen? No one can explain this to me.
Our beloved Brazilian author, Sullen Snow, also wrote a Tokyo Babylon yaoific, Consolation, and while I am not familiar enough with that series to review the fic, I must say that it is quite possibly even more entertaining than The Longest Night. Because while the Ai no Kusabi fic is terribly entertaining, it is in the Tokyo Babylon fic that Babelfish somehow managed to translate something akin to "Do you want to touch my cock?" as, "You want testify my ice-cream?"
Well! I suppose it's a good thing for poor Riki that he's not have hungry for eat food, because else he might have to testify Seishirou's ice-cream! And that's right out, Gentle Reader!
Go. Read The Longest Night. Read Consolation. Enjoy two of the most inadvertantly great yaoifics ever written, Gentle Reader. I hope she writes more. Because when she does, you know what I'm doing.
For great justice.