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MSTed by: 5 or 6 people, half of whom are current ficbitches

Hey, word up! Rebel Toy here. Rather than torture you with another mailbag day or something, we've decided to share something very special with you, our precious readers. What is it? Why, it's our inspiration! That's right, the Fic That Started It All!

As you may be aware, the superior Leather Daddy reviewed a CCS fic entitled I See Dead People. This fic was written by a girl named Val. The fic we linked to for our review was hosted on her old domain, sakurazukamori.net, which has since gone down; thus the link is broken and people are deprived of the chance to read her fic in its unadulterated form: so I went and found it on another archive. Enjoy.

Anyway, as you all know, we at Slap to the Head generally talk about what we like and don't like in fanfic with "helpful examples." We never MST fic (which is to say, give it the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 treatment) or mock it just for the sake of mocking it, because we don't think that's particularly helpful to anyone.

But our secret shame is this: this review site grew out of the fun we and a few other people had MSTing "I See Dead People." And now, because it's probably going to be a while before any of us are sufficiently motivated to write another review, we will share with you those first moments of pure ficbitchery (emphasis on the 'bitch'). This was done purely for our own amusement, so there are a few in-jokes now and then, and a shitload of emoticons... but it's better than another mailbag day, right? Right?!

[Notes: This MSTing was done on IRC, by, uh, the cast of Trigun. And yes, there is a more than this, though we never actually finished MSTing the fic; we will be posting the rest later. Fic text is in red. In case you're not conversant with our smilies:
XD = hahaha!
_o_ = facefault
anything with ;; = sweatdrop. And so on, you should be able to get the rest.]

*** Now talking in #______
*** Topic is 'I see STUPID PEOPLE!'

* Wolfwood molest0rz Vash
[Vash] iya~~~~n!
[Vash] legachu!
* Wolfwood molest0rz Legato
[Legato] iyan~
[Legato] okay~ are we all set?
[Wolfwood] ready, sir.
[Vash] ready, captain evil.
[Legato] My fellow bishounen, we are here to add some necessary commentary to a certain fic we have come across.
* Wolfwood lights a cigarette
* Legato grabs a fork and a piece of cheesecake.
* Vash grabs a box of donuts.
[Vash] ready.
[Legato] ready.
* Wolfwood tries to eat some of the cheesecake but is warded off by Legato's psychic powers, so he steals one of Vash's donuts instead.

I see Dead People
by Val.

[Legato] So this is a Sixth Sense fic?
[Wolfwood] hey, she corrected the title between the fic page and the fic. It's no longer "I See Death People."
[Wolfwood] w00t for consistency val.
[Vash] oh my god.
[Vash] I can't paste the next sentence.
[Wolfwood] XD XD why?
[Vash] it's so long I ran out of space _o_
[Wolfwood] bwahahaha!

Tapping the bottom of his slim red pen against the broad surface of the book
he was using as his improvised work desk, the middle-aged man re-accommodated
himself over the bed,

[Legato] *blink*
[Vash] He accommodated himself OVER the bed? o.o; Was he floating?

shifting in his sitting position as the snowy white, silky sheets gently twisted around him with a swift, nearly musical rustling sound.

[Wolfwood] [sheets] o/~ I've got you under my skin, so deep in the heart of me that you're nearly a part of me... o/~
[Vash] he's got.... SHEET MUSIC! XD *rim shot*
* Wolfwood points the Punisher at Vash
[Wolfwood] another pun like this and I drop the Mr. Nice Priest act.
* Legato attempts to count the adjectives.
[Legato] can I book the sheets for a bar mitzvah?
[Wolfwood] no, they're busy playing Twister with Fujitaka's legs until the end of this month.
[Legato] damn.
[Legato] oh, this is Fujitaka? coulda fooled me.
[Vash] couldn't you tell? It says he's middle-aged. How many middle-aged men can there be?

His lean, though well-muscled back chose to surrender to the need of support and heavily rest against the welcoming pillows pushed vertically against him: a soft cradle disguising the true hard sustain of the wooden back of the bed's head.

[Vash] yay! a line short enough to fit! XD
* Wolfwood attempts to parse that sentence
[Legato] sustain? like on an organ?
[Wolfwood] sustaining someone on an organ? H_H
[Vash] so his back is sentient?
[Legato] What's pushing vertically on his backside? H_H

Thoughts were easily running away from him that night.

[Legato] [thoughts] must...get out....of...fic!
[Vash] [Fujitaka] get back here, bitches!
[Wolfwood] [thoughts] No way, we're going someplace with an author that wants us!
[Legato] I don't blame them. >_>
[Wolfwood] o/~ hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away o/~

Moonlight as silvery and bright as if the ivory orb had suddenly acquired the intensity of a midnight sun broke through the window in daring intrusion, fireflying through his short hazel hair and refracting itself willingly through the clear crystal of his glasses in an almost blinding way, making it even
impossible for both his sight and mind to focus in the vital work of correcting the tests he was supposed to handle to his agonizing students tomorrow morning.

[Legato] *blink blink*
[Vash] that sentence was the whole paragraph.
[Legato] Are periods on backorder?
[Wolfwood] they were lost by the package handlers, same as the commas.
[Legato] Since when is 'firefly' a verb?
[Vash] so... the moonlight is solid and is buzzing in his hair?
[Vash] that's pretty goddamn weird.
[Vash] but then again, it's sentient moonlight since it's doing things willingly, such as refract.
[Wolfwood] yeah, I was gonna say, since when has light decided when and when not to refract?
[Legato] fireflying makes me think of an airplane on fire.
[Wolfwood] I thought hazel was only an eye color. I think this means that fujitaka has greenish brown hair.
[Legato] [sakura] otousan, shouldn't you WASH your hair? It's turning green!
[Vash] and I feel pretty sorry for his agonizing students. Why are they agonizing, anyway?
* Vash wouldn't be agonizing for very long if Fujitaka was supposed to 'handle' him.
[Legato] He's going to 'handle' his students. No wonder they're in agony.
[Legato] Not that I would be. H_H
* Wolfwood wouldn't mind being handled by Fujitaka either.
[Vash] wait, wait. is he correcting papers by the light of the moon?
[Wolfwood] hang on a sec, I think he is. XD
[Vash] [to the tune of the Sailor Moon theme song] o/~ grading papers by moonlight, teaching class by daylight, his daughter never runs from a real fight, he is the one named Fujitaka! He will never turn his back on a cake~~~, he will always be there to bake~~~, he would do anything for his kids' sake, he is the one named Fujitaka!
* Wolfwood hums along
[Legato] You know that the moon is as bright as the midnight sun! It's easy to grade papers in TOTAL DARKNESS!
[Legato] *pulls out a globe* At midnight in Tokyo, the sun is HERE *points to the other side of the globe*

He should promise himself he'd never allow work to be left for last-minute handling anymore.

[Vash] so he handles his work AND his students?
[Legato] Well, at least he handles himself in private.
[Wolfwood] Don't we all.
[Legato] Unlike that bum on the street last week.
[Wolfwood] I mean, er....no, wait...

Shaking his head in slight annoyance, he wondered if he should consider closing the soft curtains and entrust the more predictable and less distracting benefit of artificial light.

[Vash] oh god, he WAS grading by moonlight _o_ no wonder he wears glasses.
[Wolfwood] Fujitaka is trying out the Mennonite ways.

One should always keep his time perfectly tabled and smoothly organized, that was the most important advise he never got tired of repeating to his students and the one he had so shamelessly betrayed himself during the past week.

[Vash] Fujitaka is SHAMELESS! XD
[Wolfwood] [Fujitaka] "One should always keep his time perfectly tabled and smoothly organized."
[Wolfwood] [Students] Sir...what are you trying to say, we don't understand.

A person should never allow himself to abandon what he knew was an utterly important task to last-minute work, only because he could never know which kind of unexpected events could take place and rob him out of his obligations, if only by the means of not allowing the needed amount of concentration to be gathered.

* Wolfwood has a headache from trying to understand this fic already.
[Vash] someone translate that sentence for me.
[Wolfwood] um, I think that what it's saying is that you should rely heavily on a thesaurus whenever you write, and that it doesn't matter what order the words are in as long as they're on the page.
[Vash] [Fujitaka] Okay, kids, this is important: You can never know which kind of unexpected events could take place and rob you out of your obligations.
[Wolfwood] [Students] I don't think we paid enough attention in English class.
[Vash] [Fujitaka] if only by the means of not allowing the needed amount of concentration to be gathered, that is.
[Vash] [Fujitaka] All your base are belong to us.
[Wolfwood] [Students] Someone set us up the fic!
[Vash] [Fujitaka] what you say!!!

Unexpected events...

Caramel-colored pupils shrank beneath the mirror-like protection of the spectacles that, almost without his noticing, slipped awkwardly to the very edge of his perfect nose.

[Vash] so, which was the unexpected event... his pupils shrinking or his glasses slipping?
[Wolfwood] I think the glasses slipped on the caramel.

It had sounded so perfectly understandable then, and now, his mind forcefully carried towards the uncertainty of what was -needless to deny it, no matter how hard he fought to- the very reason for which his otherwise easy and rested mind was suffering such unsettlement that night.

[Vash] the words "perfectly understandable" in conjunction with anything in this fic are completely out of place.
[Wolfwood] you know, I've had science textbooks that were easier to understand than this fic.
* Wolfwood sticks his head in the confessional and begs for mercy
* Vash tries to translate
[Vash] so... his mind is forcing him to be uncertain about whether or not he's unsettled, which he's trying to fight against, even though he can't?
[Vash] @_@
[Vash] hey, I think we're going to have to mst this in 6 parts or something.
[Wolfwood] no kidding, it's so fucking LONG
[Vash] it's too long to do it all at once and retain sanity.
[Wolfwood] it's longer than Yue's hair! XD (later in this fic.)
[Vash] more tangled too XD
[Vash] It's more confused than Shaoran at a school dance!
[Wolfwood] more confusing than Kohaku's gender!

It quite surprised him he was still able to sit there beneath the ghostly caress of that unearthly moonlight without being caught in deathly shivers, feeling the invisible grip of a cold that he was surely didn't belong to that world slowly closing itself around his rapidly beating heart,

[Vash] so he's getting a chest cold?
[kuroneko] how can moonlight be earthly to begin with, nyaa?

until he could almost swear he was not alone in the room. That the incorporeal chiaroscuro cast by the alabaster glow of the deceiving nightsky's eye had acquired the ethereal shade of human form...

[Wolfwood] [ER doctors] He's in arrest! Paddles! Come on, people, we can't lose another one to the icy grip of moonlight!
[Legato] hmm. Creative rearrangement of the words in this sentence MIGHT make it coherent. Maybe.
[Vash] okay so... the nightsky's eye casts an incorporeal chiaroscuro?
[Vash] aren't all chiaroscuros incorporeal?
[Vash] how can you touch the contrast of light and dark? moreover, how can you CAST both light and dark?
[Legato] [Rembrandt] Wait! I never painted alabaster!
[Legato] Casting both light and dark? Maybe Sakura was playing with her cards.
* Wolfwood was never really an art person. ^^;
[Wolfwood] which is probably why I'm in this crappy shounen series instead of a godlike CLAMP series.
* Wolfwood touches Vash and then Legato. Boom, I just touched light and dark.
[Legato] Don't ever touch me again.
[Vash] you can touch me again. H_H

Slender fingers increased their pressure over the defenseless papersheet he was uselessly trying to cast all his attention upon until the fragile smooth surface crisped and furrows began to be woven upon it, his other hand rushing to cast the until then forlorn bedsheets over his long slim legs, as his frozen
almond gaze quickly surveyed the familiar surroundings of the room with stiff-necked attention, expecting to find what not even he could give a name to.

[Vash] [bedsheets] We're forlorn! comfort us in our grief!
[Legato] [bedsheets] *sob*
* Wolfwood steals a line from kei: god! forlorn sheets! it makes me want to go take a nap to make sure my blankets aren't getting lonely.
[Vash] oh god, the invisible cold was SO cold that it froze his gaze! O_O
[Wolfwood] that stiff-necked attention makes me think of Robo-Fujitaka swiveling his head around.
[Vash] wait, weren't his eyes caramel before? o.o;; and now they're almond? add chocolate and we'd get Turtles! Yummy.
[Legato] I think he needs to stop caressing that paper. It might get the wrong idea.
[Vash] he's violating the DEFENSELESS PAPER!
[Vash] it can't even give him a paper cut!
[Legato] And is he fishing with the bedsheets?
[Vash] ?
[Legato] He cast them. When is he going to reel them in?
[Wolfwood] When he catches the spoooooooky presence in his room?

Gaining a blissful, nearly thankful relief when all his crystal-shielded eyes gave back to him were the shadowy shapes of objects and furniture he knew by heart, a quivering sigh was impossible to be contained.

[Legato] [Fujitaka] I can't see a damned thing with this crystal in the way!
[Vash] we should submit this to the Engrish page.
[Vash] "A quivering sigh was impossible to be contained."
[Wolfwood] whenever anything quivers, I always think H_H
[Vash] "Try new milk tea which contains sighs to comfort forlorn bedsheets."
* Legato grabs another slice of quivering cheesecake.
[Legato] now you know why I like it so much.

"Am I being over-imaginative these days..."

The questioning accent in those words was non-so direct as it was rhetorical...

Another sigh.

He'd be surely exultant if the ungiven answer to his restlessness could be as
simple a statement as that.

[Legato] non-so?
[Legato] sounds like a Japanese deodorant.
[Vash] "You'll be surely exultant with Non-So Direct!"
[Wolfwood] The protection of Non-So deodorant is non-so direct as it is rhetorical.
[Legato] Wait a minute, 'simple statement'?
[Legato] that was a SIMPLE STATEMENT?
[Legato] _o_
[Wolfwood] I think this entire fic is written in Engrish.

"Daddy, I've made a new friend today,"

He remembered he had always encouraged his elder son to be a sociable child.

[Vash] [Fujitaka] If the other kids don't want to play with you, just pin them down and have fun with them anyway, son. They'll start enjoying it eventually.
[Legato] Elder son? Fujitaka has a younger son we don't know about?
[Legato] Next: a Very Special CCS. Meet the son Fujitaka never raised.

"Really, Touya-san?" yet carrying a Babel tower-sized pile of text books in his other arm, he had managed to let the other's fingers intertwine with the soft spiky brown hair the boy always carried cut tidy around his graceful, already handsome face, "Another of your new schoolmates?"

[Wolfwood] oh god, let the pedophilia begin >_<
[Wolfwood] [Fujitaka] Oh SON, your hair is so soft and chocolate-colored and strokable...
[Legato] I am sure that the author studied the Babel tower thoroughly before writing this fic.
[Vash] [Touya] my new friend and I screwed in the woods, but then we lost his glasses and had to search for them for an hour.
[Vash] Touya carries his hair?
[Vash] [Touya] Shit, I dropped my hair AGAIN. -_- I wish it was attached to my head like everyone else's.

The small head was shaking beneath his tender fatherly touch, "A nice girl at the park. She's Mrs. Kobiyama's daughter, and says she likes to see me play soccer," There couldn't be a more accurate description of a growing relationship coming from a six-year old.

[Legato] Which small head was shaking?
[Legato] >D
[Vash] oh god, "His tender fatherly touch?"

His soul has nearly escaped his body then, as the unmistakable sensations of heart-wrecking sadness together with other, even more startling feelings he wouldn't be allowing himself to recognize as different layers of fear until years afterwards began to take over his heart.

[Legato] [Fujitaka] get back here, soul! Damnit, not again!
[Vash] [Fujitaka] CRAP! My soul almost escaped! get back in there, you!
[Legato] can I special-order a period for that chunk?
[Wolfwood] can I special-order verb tense agreement?
[Legato] I think they're on backorder too.

"Touya-san, I've told you it's not good to tell lies..."

[Legato] [Fujitaka]....outside of the bedroom!

"But I'm not a liar!" small hands tightened into little fists, the boy had presented his demand with near-anger, "Kanae-chan asked me if I could go visit her again tomorrow! She says she has no friends and feels alone coz nobody wants to talk to her, and even her mommy doesn't talk to her anymore! Mrs. Kobiyama is so bad!"

[Legato] Bad Mrs. Kobiyama! Spank me again!
[Vash] "The little fists wrapped around Fujitaka's stiff member...."
[Vash] oh, wrong fic XD XD XD I was thinking of the pedophile Wish fic by the same author.
[Wolfwood] note that the daughter is Kanae-chan and the mother is Mrs. Kobiyama. Methinks someone needs to get her prefixes and suffixes in order. The same language would be nice.
* Wolfwood screams at Vash and dies
* Wolfwood screams at Val and dies
[Legato] Now now, *I'll* do the killin' 'round here.
[Legato] *shakes shoulder spikes menacingly*
[Vash] I'm not the one wrapping chubby little hands around excited manhoods or whatever.

He awoke from that unwanted memory only to find he had finally discarded the unfinished correction of the tests to the vacant side of the bed and was allowing his handsome head to rest over the now horizontally positioned pillows.

[Legato] wow, talented pillows. Didn't they start out in a vertical position?
[Legato] Or is this just the afterglow?
[Vash] [Fujitaka] I can't get rest if my pillows aren't on the
X-axis. Damn all those university classes!
[Wolfwood] hey, he didn't finish correcting those tests. I think this interferes with his "perfectly ordered time and place for everything" mantra.
[Vash] wait, he discarded someone's test? pretty cruel. "Sorry, kid, lost your test. You'll have to retake it."
[Legato] Do his students know he's sleeping with their tests?
[Wolfwood] [student] Sensei, why is my test all stuck together?
[Legato] [student] I don't know where this test has been, but it came back sticky!

He did nothing on behalf of raising himself up again.

[Vash] Yep. He just left his little man alone.
[Legato] out of viagra?
[Wolfwood] sounds like a case for viagra.
[Wolfwood] GOMH again, Legachu! XD
* Wolfwood grabs Legato. Stop messing with my head, you shoulder-spiked psycho!

* Legato nita's at Wolfwood.
[Vash] fujitaka and his daughter both like to beat things with their wands.

Now late Kobiyama-san had had a little daughter called Kanae five years before
life had graced him with the birth of his first son. He could remember how the whole neighborhood was revolved when the car accident took place... Some said the girl was too energetic and brave for her short age, even liked playing soccer with the boys at the park. It was not strange for her to cross the street under the warning of red lights... Yet the family had been devastated and unready.

[Legato] wow, you can REVOLVE your neighborhood in Japan? Is it on a giant turntable?
* Legato spins random neighborhoods around with his mind
[Wolfwood] o/~ for every season, turn, turn, turn o/~
[Legato] Nicky, what did I tell you about singing?
[Vash] o/~ you spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round~ o/~
[Wolfwood] this fic shows the logical progression of girls who play soccer as the type who turn into reckless suicidal maniacs, apparently.
[Wolfwood] this says a lot for womens' sports.
[Legato] the family was unready for the death of their healthy six year old daughter? Who'd've guessed?

He shivered a bit more violently than before underneath the seemingly useless protection of the heavy sheets.

[Wolfwood] the sheets weren't ribbed for his pleasure.
[Legato] since when are silken sheets heavy?

The night was getting too cold and silent...

[Legato] The silence is the sound of the readers staring blankly at this fic, trying desperately to parse it.

His right hand had almost instinctively flashed to the bedside table in the logical and totally justified wish of letting the warm light of the small lamp fill the room, but almost instantly, it had halted.

[Legato] ...does his right hand ALWAYS act on instinct?
* Legato controls fujitaka's hand with his mind powers H_H
[Vash] I like how every noun in this fic is sentient, including body parts, furniture, moonlight...
[Wolfwood] [Fujitaka to lamp] Halt or my hand will fap!
[Vash] So fujitaka has to justify turning on his lamp? Do they live in California?
[Legato] apparently. >_>
[15:34] *** Vash (Read error: 54 (Connection reset by peer)_)
[Legato] ack!
[Wolfwood] oh my god, peer killed vash!
* Legato resurrects vash.
[15:35] *** Vash has joined #_____
[Legato] see? XD

"I guess I'm too old for being scared by ghost stories..."

The words resounded in the emptiness of the room, and still an echo of them could be heard through the shadowy corridor outside, flying down the stairs as an incorporeal yet present entity, until losing itself into the darkness of the living room below.

[Legato] So. Thoughts flee and words fly?
[Legato] what do actions do? Play rummy?
[Wolfwood] here we have another sentient noun that should not be such.
[Vash] [words] help us! we're lost in the darkness of the living room! *thunk* OWWW! Our shin!
* Wolfwood plays mah-jongg with Fujitaka's words
[Wolfwood] I think "ghost" just beat us all. And I had my money on "old".
[Legato] Next, on ST: TNG, the crew of the Enterprise is attacked by sentient words!

Ghost stories...

He remembered his now teenaged son had shown an almost obsessive taste for them during his early childhood, to the point of sometimes actually causing restlessness in him because of the high detail and accuracy his fantasies had always had plenty of, to the point it was getting harder and harder for him to
discard the boy's tales as nothing but kid's babbling, specially when said details had taken place so there was no possible way in which the boy could have come to know about them.

[Wolfwood] [Fujitaka] Detailed fantasies that he can't control. Ah, the apple doth not fall far from the tree.
[Legato] Wow! Teenaged boys have detailed fantasies! What's next, girls that have sleepovers?
[Vash] Kids with Imaginations! Next on Jenny!
[Legato] and is this a Chrono Cross crossover? I see Kid has appeared.
* Wolfwood scans the room for Karsh, finds none, and sits back down dejectedly


A huge shadow momentaneously obliterated the ivory gleam of moonlight cascading inside from the uncovered window, the room being cloaked for a passing minute in absolute, velvety darkness.

[Vash] Must have been the midnight sun.
[Wolfwood] what the hell is "momentaneously"?
[Legato] sore wa himitsu desu.
[Legato] New Moonlight Cascade! Clean your dishes by night!
[Wolfwood] Wrap your dishes in absolute velvety darkness.
[Wolfwood] Wait a sec, maybe that absolute velvety darkness is LOVE CHOCOLATE!

It seemed they'd have a rainy night.

True, at that age children did tend to have a taste for the morbid, so he had never considered it worthy to let Touya be bored by any sort of psychological guidance in order to get rid of such taste to tell scary tales but his own, fatherly affection. It was natural and it was as it's supposed to be.

[Legato] I don't think the 'fatherly affection' fujitaka is showing in this fic is in any way natural.
[Vash] [Fujitaka] Touya, if you keep talking about ghosts I'm going to have to show you some fatherly affection. Take off your pants.
[Legato] [Fujitaka] Forget counseling. My son sees ghosts, so I'll have to 'handle' it myself.

Luckily, the storytelling had stopped as he had grown up into a handsome, totally self-sustaining youth.

[Wolfwood] [Fujitaka] ah, but isn't my son a strapping young buck.
[Legato] self-sustaining Touya never needs watering!
[Vash] All he needs is a little sunshine!
[Wolfwood] or viagra. >.>

But it was true he had also raised a silent, introverted son, someone whose secretive blue eyes would sometimes bring to him the question of whether he had really quit seeing and imagining inexistent things or just quit telling him about it.

[Legato] Yeah, he's afraid if he says anything about ghosts, his dad will 'handle' him again.
[Wolfwood] The beatings will continue until the visions cease.
[Legato] beatings? H_H

Continued in Part 2

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This is one of the funniest MSTs I've read in a long time.

this fic shows the logical progression of girls who play soccer as the type who turn into reckless suicidal maniacs, apparently.
Touya, if you keep talking about ghosts I'm going to have to show you some fatherly affection. Take off your pants.

(Dies Laughing)

I laughed so hard I thought I was choking.

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