?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Oh dear
Leather Daddy
ficbitches
*tap, tap*

Is anyone still out there?

We do still live, but I have a request! Fandom has become so huge and bizarre and full of kinkmemes and so on that it's hard to keep up with what's good...as well as with what's terrible.

So, my request is:

(1) Do you guys still want to see any reviews? There's plenty of badfic mockery sites, but given sufficient interest, I'm sure we could give it a go again.
(2) What fandoms do you want us to start combing for fic?
(3) Any specific requests? With links?

On the other hand, we're also willing to look at fics that aren't godawful (not like Chocobo Nights or something), but ones that are more....deeply misguided. Go off the rails. Start off interesting, but then everyone ends up weeping and wrist-slitting and so on.

I figured I'd ask, since there are still about five hundred people who have this journal friended. Long time no see!

~ Leather Daddy

Tales of Symphonia :: Just Let Me Fall
Ficbitches
ficbitches
My god, you must have thought we were all dead. It's been something like fifteen months since the last post! I'm not going to make excuses for the hiatus, because I think I made them the last time I posted...in 2005. Well, shit.

As usual we were just sitting around, shooting the shit, when someone wondered why the hell we hadn't posted a review in so long. Rebel Toy and I went back through the archives and spent some quality time laughing our asses off, and then emerged convinced that the reason was that we just weren't funny people anymore. How terrible, to be so young and so unfunny! Also the problem is that nowadays the internets have become SUCH SERIOUS BUSINESS that I bet that instead of just calling us Bin Laden or threatening to sic their internet lawyers on us or just simply fandom-wanking us, I'm sure we'd get a couple of pseudocides and that's just messy and too much hilarity for the newly sober-and-serious ficbitches.

Then Rebel Toy ordered me to check the ficbitches gmail account since she was too lazy to. That way, she doesn't have to feel guilty that there are emails from February that haven't been answered! However, the bonus is that we found some guest reviews. And here's one! Thanks, Queen of Provocation!

But because I don't know a damn thing about Tales of Symphonia, I ran it by the esteemed Magnetic Stain. Judging from her involuntary shudders, this must have been a pretty horrible fic. She would also like me to make it perfectly clear that this fic and review contain some pretty hefty spoilers for Tales of Symphonia, especially for Kratos. So please, don't come crying to me if you didn't read the bold red text. Are we ready?

Hey, maybe this will restore our mojo! You never know! :D

~ Leather Daddy, who still loves you all and might actually answer comments and emails for the next few days!

Tales of Symphonia :: "Just Let Me Fall" by Amazon Bunny
Reviewed By: Queen of Provocation


SCORE:
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (The characters are barely sentient beings, let alone themselves.)
PLOT: 1/5 (Remember kids, suicide is painless!)
WRITING: 2.5/5 (Not disasterously bad in technical terms, but it's definitely not good.)
WILLFUL IGNORANCE OF MENTAL ILLNESS: 5/5

Dear god, that seems painfulCollapse )

Naruto :: Get Out Of My Head!
Leather Daddy
ficbitches
Get Out Of My Head!
Reviewed by: a somewhat hung-over Leather Daddy


SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5 (Bizarro-Neji and his wood for Hinata, the mistress of innuendo and double-entendre! The laughs never end!)
PLOT: 2/5 (Um...there's a plot...in the loosest sense of the word...)
WRITING: 3/5 (You needs a spellchecker and a better grasp of punctuation, precioussss)
DELIBERATE EXPLOITATION OF PEOPLE'S LOVE OF ONLINE PORN TO WHORE FOR REVIEWS: 10/5

I will never post a story without spellchecking and a looking over by my beta.
I will never hold my stories hostage for reviews.
I will never abandon a story.
I will never post anything I honestly think is no good.
I will treasure every review I get, and treat both praise and honest criticism with the consideration they deserve.


I was trolling the pit of voles looking for Naruto fic. You see, when I get really bored, only stupid ninja hijinks can help - and usually the "stupid" is unintentional. However, there are many fine Naruto fanfic authors, and one of them had this disclaimer in their author information. I practically wept with joy when I read it, for it's five commandments that EVERY online author should consider, no matter what their fandom. (Sadly, I can't remember whose disclaimer this was, so if you know, step up and claim your prize.)

Narutoland...it's like Disneyland...with ninjas...and...sharks with LA-SER BEAMS...Collapse )

We're baaaaaaaaack
Ficbitches
ficbitches
In a sense; I finally crawled out from under my 70-hour workweek and checked our gmail account, only to discover that nobody had checked it for about six months. We're horrible people.

To my joy, however, I found several guest reviews that I will promptly slap up here while I continue gouging out my eyes with this fic. I'm working on a review as I speak...no, seriously! Why are you all laughing? Even better, one of the reviews is by someone we'd previously sporked, so we've got proof that you can have a sense of humor about this. After all, people, it's just the internet.

~ Leather Daddy




Greetings, all. I'm Rann. You may remember me as the author of the fic that Leather Daddy reviewed here... and then you may say "What the hell, freak?! FicBitches reviewed your twisted fic, you're supposed to hate them more than someone with John Kerry's face tattooed on their pelvis hates George Bush! What are you doing submitting a guest review?!"

Well, that would be because I love FicBitches. I've loved them ever since I discovered them via the review of "Pop Goes the Ranma". Hell, I love the review of that, I thought it was pretty damn funny. That fic is something that I'M amazed I wrote, something I just sort of grin and shake my head at... I'm still not ashamed at it, just a little bemused that I wrote it at all, it feels like reading someone else's work.

But my point is, there's anything but hard feelings, and FicBitches has been quiet for far too long.

Now, rather than go trolling for some pour soul's fanfic to jump all over, I thought I'd indulge in a different activity I rather enjoy... cruising FF.net not for bad fanfics, but bad fanfic summaries. Often, the summary is the most jaw-dropping, head-shaking, please-end-my-suffering part of the whole thing. And let's face it... just hitting the summaries appeals to that low attention span in all of us. It also saves one the utter and pure agony of wanting to claw their eyes out at the fic's actual writing, and merely provides that soothing migraine of horror at the simple concept of the fic.

Generally, the best thing to do is hit a fairly small fandom, one that only has a couple of pages of fics, so you can roll through one entire sucky fandom at a go. I did this with Carmen Sandiego fandom, a small show with a surprising number of fics, almost all of them conforming to the horrible fanfiction stereotypes that you'd really expect of a much larger, much crazier fandom.

So, let's try and pick our fandom today, shall we? We need something with a suitable number of fics, probably somewhere between fifty and a hundred, give a few dozen. Anime fandom is a little too easy, and we almost EXPECT all this stuff from it. It's much more fun when the very concept of it makes your teeth grind. So, in that spirit and in hopes of destroying a few childhoods, let's hit the "Cartoon" section.

Aladdin? Too many. (Though morbid curiosity almost compells anyway.) Alvin and the Chipmunks? Sure to be scary, but a bit too few. Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers...? ... So tempting, right number, but then we'd likely just be harping on all the Gadget fics. Ah... AH! Perfect!

Mummies Alive!.

A little-known, weekday-morning nineties show, Mummies Alive! featured the adventures of four mummies with magic armor, martial arts, and cool vehicles protecting their reincarnated Pharaoh. It's like a wonderful list of all that's wacky and stereotypical about American cartoons, but despite that, it was still a FUN series, and I cursed every single day that I was forced to leave in the middle of it to go to school. The characters were amusing, the character DESIGN was cool, and overall it's one of those things you think back to and say "Heh... that was great."
Let's see if we can destroy that feeling in 89 fics or less, shall we?

Because if there's not some sex between the living dead before this is over, I'll be VERY disappointed.Collapse )

We *are* still alive.
Ficbitches
ficbitches
If anyone's still around....(which I'd be surprised to learn)....we're still around. Now, there are a bunch of lame-ass excuses reasons for this long hiatus, most of which you can guess yourself.

  • "Real life"
  • "Oh, I am oh-so-busy with school/work, which is why I just wasted 17 hours reading porn online"
  • "Nonsense, I don't read badfic anymore"

    Personally, the reason I haven't posted in forever is that although I still read badfic by the metric fuckton, it was all shitty in the same way. The point of this little hobby was not to make fun of all the badfics for being bad; that's like making fun of every stupid person you pass on the street! It'd never end! Although some fics I tackled for their sheer WTF-factor, because it would be amusing, I honestly tried to pick fics which had problems that a lot of other fics had, that I could talk about in general. A theme, if you will.

    So eventually I hit a wall: "Well, I've covered terrible plotting, terrible characterization, Mary Sues, uber-feminization of male characters, thesaurus abuse, etc...what's left?"

    But I finally thought of something! Now, to find one of the many characteristic fics and post something. Rebel Toy, I believe, is also pondering something. (Or at least she was this morning when we met for breakfast.)

    So, don't hold your breath, but I'll figure something out. (Of course, if you have any suggestions to prod our lazy asses into action, feel free to comment.)

    ~ Leather Daddy

  • Where's the yoroi-ero?
    Ficbitches
    ficbitches
    Howdy all, Gunstar here. Yeah, we've been slacking too much, we know. I'm going to be working on getting out another review in the nearish future, so please look forward to it.

    Today, we're giving you another fine effort from ficbitch follower Voidstar, for a title from one of the more popular fandoms as of late.

    But first, special request from moi: I finished Tales of Symphonia a couple of weeks ago, and enjoyed it a lot. Of course, like any semi-popular RPG, it's bound to have tons of mediocre-to-gawdawful-terrible fic for it. I am tempted to see what's out there, yet at the same time I am wary to have to wade through mountains of wackyrandomfun crap and angsty character poetry to find the really horrible ones. So if you know of any abyssmally bad Symphonia fic for me to savage, give me a link. Conversely, if you know of any *good* ToS fic that is Regal-centric, point me right to it.

    I'm expecting a ratio of about 100/1 for these requests.

    OK, on with the show!

    EDIT: Velvet Venus here to just let you know that we've changed our email, you can now reach us at healingcock (at) gmail (dot) com!

    FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST :: Best Birthday Present Ever
    Guest-Reviewed by VoidStar


    SCORING: PLOT: 1/5 (Poorly thought out post-series scenario)
    CHARACTERIZATION: -1/5 (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SCAR/ROY, although it's mainly about weird OOC Ed and Al stuff)
    WRITING: 1/5 ("We laid on the bed correctly"; plus, lots of random Japanese thrown in)
    BENDING THE LAWS OF SPACE AND TIME FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES: 20/5
    VoidStar here again. And I've brought more horrid slash! Aren't you all thrilled? Well, AREN'T YOU?

    I just...I just don't know.Collapse )

    I am a zombie, back from the dead!
    Ficbitches
    ficbitches
    Note: Velvet Venus here, no special icon this time, since it seems our paid time has run out while we weren't paying attention. Whoops. Hopefully our layout won't disappear while we're wrangling over who is going to pay for the LJ this time. I will admit I feel slightly guilty that our first update this year is coming at the end of August. *cough* Let's ignore all of that though and move onto the fic!


    HUNTER X HUNTER :: tear x doll x facing your FEAR
    Reviewed by Velvet Venus with smart-ass commentary by Leather Daddy


    SCORE
    PLOT: 1/5 (Plausible premise gone completely wrong)
    CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (HISOKA DOES NOT FEEL FEAR OR TENDERNESS)
    WRITING: 2/5 (A bunch of typos, but the author could reasonably string sentences together.)
    RAPE AND MURDER, IN EITHER ORDER: -10/5 (what you expect to see in a Hisoka fic, this is completely lacking)

    I love Hunter x Hunter, it has a special place in my heart as one of my first shounen manga loves. Even if the art has regressed to bad line drawings in the more recent chapters of Jump, the story is something that I'll probably always like. Not to mention I know an ungodly amount of trivia about the series since I -well, it's enough to say that I do.

    Today we'll be taking a look at one of the more common gems within the HxH fandom, some good old fashioned Hisoka/Gon, second only to Leorio/Kurapika. I won't lie, both of these pairings generally elicit a WHY GOD, WHY?Collapse )

    Legolas, before the Plastic Surgery and Hooker Shoes.
    Velvet Venus
    ficbitches
    Okay, so the first part is not technically a review, but we do manage to make fun of several fandoms and fanfics! A piece of a conversation between several ficbitches tonight, wherein we come up with a new name for certian types of BNFs and try and foist off a gigantic review of 3 novel sized fics onto each other.

    Get Backers, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, Oh My!Collapse )
    ---------------------------------------------

    Neo Armageddon Evangelist
    (Note: link leads to MSTed version. Original seems to be unlocatable.)

    Guest Reviewed by: Otaku Keith


    SCORE
    PLOT: -10/5 (Total made-up bollocks, sex, death, repeat ad nauseam in a literal sense)
    CHARACTERISATION: 0/5 (Hardly anyone stays alive long enough to *have* a character, and those who do are OOC. The original character is a Sue.)
    WRITING: 2/5 (Not on the level of the great spelling/grammar-munchers, but she uses her powers only for evil...)
    TOTAL AND COMPLETE CANON-RAPE (IN A LITERAL SENSE): 7/5

    OMGWTFCollapse )

    Yes, we're still alive.
    Ficbitches
    ficbitches

    FIND THE BADFIC!


    No, we haven't vanished off the face of the earth - we're still here, we just have lives outside of fanfiction, and (obviously) this is a hectic time period for everyone.

    But! We have a mission for you, o loyal ficbitch followers! You see, a long long time ago, there existed a King of Fighters fic so special that we giggled about it for hours on end, and still laugh about it today. Alas, in FF.net's Great Pr0n Purge, we fear it may have been lost... forever. That's where you folks come in: We need your help finding this little nugget of... uh, joy?



    Our chatlog from where it came up.Collapse )

    Oh, and we're trying to figure out what happened to the layout. We'll sic our resident HTML mistress on this one right away.

    Hot diggity dog! Another guest review!
    Ficbitches
    ficbitches
    Hi again, readers. While there's much amusement going on in some of the entries below this one, we have come to the realization that we haven't done much in the way of actual FIC reviews recently. Fortunately, a kind soul named Zarla just sent us a guest review. This fic might not damage your brain, but it probably will induce vomiting.

    Harry Potter :: Hermione's New Self

    Reviewed by: Zarla


    SCORE
    PLOT: 1/5 (Hogwarts 90210)
    CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (Tart!Hermione, Playboy!Draco, EVIL!Harry...)
    WRITING: 2/5 (It's not TOO hideous, although she does misspell Gryffindor...)
    GETTING DRUNK AND BEING A SLUT LEADING TO MARRIAGE AND ETERNAL LOVE: 7/5

    Drinking makes EVERYTHING better!Collapse )