Slap to the Head Fanfiction!

Tales of Symphonia :: Just Let Me Fall

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 10:24:42 GMT

My god, you must have thought we were all dead. It's been something like fifteen months since the last post! I'm not going to make excuses for the hiatus, because I think I made them the last time I posted...in 2005. Well, shit.

As usual we were just sitting around, shooting the shit, when someone wondered why the hell we hadn't posted a review in so long. Rebel Toy and I went back through the archives and spent some quality time laughing our asses off, and then emerged convinced that the reason was that we just weren't funny people anymore. How terrible, to be so young and so unfunny! Also the problem is that nowadays the internets have become SUCH SERIOUS BUSINESS that I bet that instead of just calling us Bin Laden or threatening to sic their internet lawyers on us or just simply fandom-wanking us, I'm sure we'd get a couple of pseudocides and that's just messy and too much hilarity for the newly sober-and-serious ficbitches.

Then Rebel Toy ordered me to check the ficbitches gmail account since she was too lazy to. That way, she doesn't have to feel guilty that there are emails from February that haven't been answered! However, the bonus is that we found some guest reviews. And here's one! Thanks, Queen of Provocation!

But because I don't know a damn thing about Tales of Symphonia, I ran it by the esteemed Magnetic Stain. Judging from her involuntary shudders, this must have been a pretty horrible fic. She would also like me to make it perfectly clear that this fic and review contain some pretty hefty spoilers for Tales of Symphonia, especially for Kratos. So please, don't come crying to me if you didn't read the bold red text. Are we ready?

Hey, maybe this will restore our mojo! You never know! :D

~ Leather Daddy, who still loves you all and might actually answer comments and emails for the next few days!

Tales of Symphonia :: "Just Let Me Fall" by Amazon Bunny
Reviewed By: Queen of Provocation

SCORE:
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (The characters are barely sentient beings, let alone themselves.)
PLOT: 1/5 (Remember kids, suicide is painless!)
WRITING: 2.5/5 (Not disasterously bad in technical terms, but it's definitely not good.)
WILLFUL IGNORANCE OF MENTAL ILLNESS: 5/5

Back when Gunstar Heroine requested either bad "Tales of Symphonia" fic in general, or good Regal Bryant-based fic, she predicted that there would likely be a 100:1 ratio for these requests. I'm sad to say that this request falls into the former category.

It's not that "Tales of Symphonia" doesn't lend itself to good or interesting fic ideas, in fact, just the opposite is true. All of the main characters have the requisite set of Tragic Life Circumstances that can make for good character-introspection fic, and their in-game interactions with each other are full of comedy, rivalry, silliness, sadness, and everything else that should make good character-driven fic fun and simple to write. Hell, if one is feeling ambitious and just a bit crazy, one could write about the plot itself.

This fic utterly fails to take any of these possibilties into account, and goes straight for the tried, tested, and true formula for lots and lots of reviews. The completely ludicrous romance fic, starring two characters who may or may not actually be romantically interested in each other, who are almost always out of character anyway.

The characters in question this time around are Kratos Aurion and Raine Sage, who are not-so-coincidentally the only adult characters for the first few hours of the game, making them destined for fanon pairing greatness. What do they have in common? Well, they're both the "mature ones" of the group, they both have younger characters that they would do anything to protect, and they both have their share of personal tragedies. Oh, and as both of them are depicted from here on out, they very nearly deserve those tragedies, and more.

Oh, and there will be spoilers. Plot spoilers, not just lunch-spoilers.

Now, this story technically has a prequel, entitled "Teacher's Pet," which supposedly sets up the reason for Raine's utter and total brain-death and dependence upon Kratos. To provide you with this context, I will summarize it in the briefest and most sanity-friendly way possible. Kratos hires an assassin who abducts Raine and accuses her of a crime that directly contradicts canon events, and after about two minutes of battle, Raine becomes ill with Plot Device Disease. Kratos then sweeps her off her feet and to the scenic Meltokio Slums, where she is then raped by some random bandit. Kratos fights and kills the bandit because Raine is "too weak," and a Healing Make-Out Session ensues. Raine somehow regains the virginity she'd lost before the game's events ever happened. The other characters act like complete imbeciles and fail to matter to the plot. True love ensues.

Sample clip: You stole my heart, and I doubt you'll come back and return it. But honestly, I don't care...I wouldn't mind...Keep it with you, Kratos...Your name...I love saying your name. Kratos, Kratos...Kratos.... Banana-fanna-fo-Fratos... Whoops! Sorry.

The author's characterizations of Kratos and Raine in a nutshell? It's as if she took a good, hard look at what the characters are like, why they act the way they act and do the things they do, and then decided to write the complete opposite of what she found. If this were a parody fic (instead of just the fic that launched a thousand of them), it would be simply brilliant. As what appears to be a serious and earnest fic, it's something... less than that.

Now that that's out of the way, we can dive into the scintillating text that is "Just Let Me Fall." Fasten your seatbelts, kiddos!

The story opens with a bang, as Raine sits in the bathroom, crying and slitting her wrists. Possibly because Kratos ditched her, or possibly because she read ahead in the fic and discovered the indignities that lie ahead for her. Guess which theory I like best?

The blade slashed her wrists again and again. She cried out in pain with every cut. Blood roiled out on the tiles, staining them with a bright red. She gritted her teeth as she saw the gruesome scene. Blood pooled around her, and she whispered in slurred words:

"I'll find you, one way or another...Even if I end up in hell..."

Her clear eyes fogged up and slipped out of focus. She was losing consciousness...Raine Sage fell to the bathroom floor with a thud. And she blacked out.

"Raine?..." Genis knocked on the bathroom door timidly. He knew what a bad temper she was in then. But she was falling into depression...When there was no answer, he decided just to open the door.

CREAK...

"God Raine!!" Genis stumbled backwards and collided painfully into the wall. "Oh Martel!" Tears welled in his eyes. His sister was dying in a pool of her own blood for some stupid Angel that left her because he couldn't get over his loss of Anna! Martel just damn it all!

The young mage grabbed a clean white towel and pressed it firmly against her slit wrists. "God no..." He whispered, then, as the color faded from Raine's
cheeks, he screamed, "RAINE!!"

The first time I read this, I laughed so hard that I probably woke up the entire neighbourhood. My brother and I now pantomime this scene at every opportunity, complete with the wrist-dabbing and the no-doubt-tragical facial expressions. I still laugh and laugh every time, proving that I'm a horrible person. Of course, I suppose the very fact that I'm ficbitching this story doesn't make me a very nice person anyway.

For those of you keeping score, this will be the first, last, and only time Genis or anyone else besides Kratos will show any real concern over anything that happens to Raine in this fic.

To Genis' credit though, he must eventually call for help at some point between wrist-dabbings, because Raine is flown to Flanoir for "expert" medical treatment. At this point in the story, I wonder if the author will pull a George Lucas and claim that there's nothing that can be done for her, because she's LOST THE WILL TO LIVE!

Lloyd and Genis have a letter delivered to Kratos on Derris-Kharlan, mostly as a plot convenience and as a way to give Yuan a shout-out in the fic.

Kratos,

It would be our greatest displeasure to tell you that Raine Sage is dying as you are reading this letter. She slit her wrists several days ago, and has remained in critical condition. We have used all our medical technology to try and put her in a state of better health, but her situation has not improved, so she has requested that you be at her death bed, at the very least.

Sincerely,

Dr. James Boltzman

Ancestor of Master Boltzman

I love that last part. AT THE VERY LEAST! DO YOU HEAR THAT KRATOS?! COMING BACK TO HER SIDE IS THE LEAST YOU COULD DO, YOU CRETIN!

Needless to say, Kratos immediately changes the course of the entire planet to speed back to Raine's side. Lloyd immediately latches onto his father in a futile bid for paternal affection, but he is quickly brushed aside as Kratos speeds to Raine's side. Apparently Lloyd has better things to do than see his dying friend and teacher one last time.

Kratos gets to Raine's room and sees her at death's door, alone and hooked up to anachronistic medical technology, IV's a-dripping and monitors a-humming. Apparently Genis has better things to do than be at his dying sister's bedside. His sister who raised him since infanthood, who just happens to be one of the most important people to him, ever. Did ~~Mithos~~ Presea show up for a booty call or something? Screw that, that's still not a good enough reason. There is no way that Kratos would be there and Genis would not, you cannot convince me of anything otherwise.

After a conveniently-timed deterioration of Raine's condition, Kratos works his Magic Healing Mojo once again and Raine immediately stabilizes. The doctor does not think this is suspicious, and still no one comes to see Raine in the hospital, as they prefer to go out to the bar to celebrate the happy news, instead. All together now... What the fuck?!

Then one of the worst things I've ever read happens.

"Why'd you do it?" He asked her. Raine sunk back into the bed and looked out the window.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, her tone frosty and cold.

Kratos seethed at himself. God, he was just so stupid! "You know what I'm talking about. Why'd you try to kill yourself?" He tried again. "That's not the answer...You know it, I know it, Martel, you were there at the Origin Seal when it happened! Were you just going to give up, were you going to throw everything away? Cheating your way out..." He never finished that sentence, as Raine slapped him as hard as she could across the face.

"Shut the hell up!" She screamed. "Why would you think...You wouldn't know!..." She couldn't get the words out. She grabbed the bottle of painkillers on her nightstand and swallowed several before Kratos could stop her. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

Okay, so I laughed really hard at this part too, but that's beside the point. Suicide is not the catch-all plot device for any kind of fic. Suicide will not make your fic better just because you include it in the plot. Content is generally neutral until it's shaped by the approach, but the way 99.9% of fanfiction handles it is not the correct approach. The correct approach has to be in a fic that is not primarily a romance fic, and the character attempting suicide must actually be a character for whom suicide is an appealing option. Raine Sage is not going to commit suicide because she's been jilted by Kratos, or because someone called her a bad name. Quite frankly, she's had worse, and somehow, her wrists remained unslit. It must have been a miracle, or the fact that in canon, she has an actual spine!

Also, I think Kratos' monologue is supposed to refer to how his end of the whole deal with Origin went down, but the way it's phrased is just odd. Now, I could buy a fanfic in which Kratos tried to commit suicide, but it would have to be a good fic, with an actual buildup to the act, and the consequences of said act afterward, if the fic was not primarily in his point of view. In fact, that's another bit of sound advice for suicide fics in general. Contrary to what we learned from "Waking Ned Devine," a character does not necessarily have to attend his or her own funeral for it to be a good funeral scene.

Anyway, as I'm sure you're all dying to hear (Har har!), Raine "coughs up" all of the pills she swallowed, and she freaking apologizes to Kratos, of all people, for what she put him through. At no point does she apologize to Genis, (who, you know, might have been scarred for life by this in a better fic) or to the doctors or the nurses or anyone else who bothered to save her sorry ass. Kratos is the one who feels the most hurt! Kratos thinks about Anna, and about how Raine smells like rain, and about whether he remembered to set his TiVo. You know, deep and symbolic things like that. I utterly and totally buy his deep love and concern, don't you?

Meanwhile, Raine has been released from the hospital in a matter of minutes after recovery, after being in critical condition, and after trying to kill herself twice. What kind of hospital is this?! Shouldn't they hold her overnight, or at least until someone gets his ass out of the bar and goes to collect her? Do you think Genis even bothered to mention that all of this was brought on by a depressive episode, and that their family doesn't exactly have a pristine mental health history? No, of course he didn't. Genis is in this fic to be a cheerleader for Kratos and Raine's True Love, and nothing more.

In what turns out to be a completely throwaway plot event (Oh no! I spoiled it for you!!), Raine goes in search of the Sword of Destiny, which can apparently allow the user to travel to the past to fix things that have gone wrong. I mention this because it shocked me out of my chair the first time I saw it, because in the game, there actually is a Z-Skit that references Raine's being tempted by Lloyd's Eternal Sword. As you may have already gathered, references to events and points of characterization from canon in this fic (non-sequitor flashbacks in "Teacher's Pet" aside) are pretty darn rare. However, the fic, unlike the game, makes it quite clear that Raine wants the damn sword so she can go back and change her relationship with Kratos. Apparently nothing else in Raine's life is worth fixing or changing so that it could happen differently. She regrets nothing except the fact that Kratos doesn't love her single-mindedly and think constantly about how much he likes to say her name over and over again.

...I hate the Raine in this fic, almost as much as I hate the Kratos in this fic. I wish plagues upon them both.

Anyway, for no reason whatsoever, the entire group decides to go to the hot springs, about a day or so after Raine has just gotten out of the hospital, where she was in critical condition and tried to kill herself twice. Still, no one particularly cares. Why should they? It was only a depression-related suicide attempt, followed shortly by another! Why, it's not as if she was really sick, or anything like that...

"Aah, yeah, now this is what I call a good bath," Sheena sighed as she slid into the tub, a towel wrapped around her. "Especially after a long day of traveling."

I wouldn't get in that hot spring with Raine if I were you, Sheena. What if she jumps in with a plugged-in toaster and takes you to Hell with her?

And now, for another worst thing I've ever read:

"Haven't you noticed some of the boys aren't really noticing us anymore?" she shot a stealthy glance at the wall. They all knew they were eavesdropping.

"Yeah, especially Zelos," Sheena caught on first. "He seems to pay more attention to that lady in the casino than me." The ninja made sure her voice cracked with emotion. "I mean, he never really pays attention to me, just the other ladies walking around on the streets. The next time I walk into Altamira and that man comes up to me again, I'll accept his proposal!"

Outside, Zelos' jaw dropped. "What the hell is she rambling about?" He whispered.

"Yes, I bet he was handsome, rich, and wasn't nearly as flirtatious as Zelos," Raine commented.
"Yeah..." Sheena said in a fake, dreamy voice. "And what about you, Presea?" She turned to the pink haired girl.
"Well...I'd been having a lot of people in the Altamira Amusement Park asking me if I wanted anything, and they said they'd buy it for me." Presea lied.
"Really?" Colette giggled. "I'd have to go there sooner, then!"

This time, Lloyd's jaw hit the floor. "No way!" He argued. "Colette's not that kind of girl...or is she?"

Men of the Ficbitches reading audience (all four of you), allow me to offer my deepest apologies on behalf of the rest of my gender. I too, cannot believe that a female wrote this.

Just an aside here, but everyone in this fic is so mean to Regal. Not in itself unsual for ToS fic, but the thing is, Regal is as annoying as any of them here, so my sympathy is not quite as strong as it could be right now. Still, all would be forgiven in an instant, if he would flip out and kill them all.

The author hints that the next chapter will be a songfic. Oh boy, just when I was thinking that I was getting uncomfortably close to the bottom of that barrel... My only comfort is that it's not "Chop Suey" or "Angel" or "Iris" or any one of about a million songs that have the word "angel" in it that fandoms in general love to abuse to no end whenever a character is "angelic" in nature. I'm sure everyone can think of an example or ten.

Anyway, the group moves on to Sheena's house, where Sheena ever-so-conveniently points out that there are only two guest rooms! If you think that they're going to split the two rooms up by gender or something, you've got another think coming. Don't worry, pairing enthusiasts, since Regal is a shameful wretch who has no love interest, he gets to sleep in the porch! Like the dog he is!

Everyone gets paired off, children conveniently vanish into the ether, Brian McKnight's "One" is typed, and Raine finally harangues Kratos into sleeping with her. I guess Kratos doesn't want to anger the crazy lady and trigger another of her "episodes." You know, the ones where she tries to kill herself and NOBODY THINkS IT'S IMPORTANT OR AT ALL WEIRD AT ALL OH MY GODDD. ahgo[hgagb

Kratos wrapped one arm protectively around her slender waist. No words could express how he felt at that moment, happy, like a big balloon swelling inside of him...

I don't think this sentence quite puts forth the image the author was hoping for. She's thinking "true love," and I'm thinking "mpreg."

More Regal torture, and some throwaway scenes of the other "couples" of the fic. Despite what the last chapter implies at one point, Lloyd and Genis are not one of the couples. Regal justifies his inclusion in the fic with a scene of not-quite-comic relief, and we enter the home stretch.

The next chapter informs us that two years have passed. Everyone has gone off on their own and is doing their own thing, which is the same thing that everyone always ends up doing in every other ToS fic ever. Kratos and Raine are having a baby, and they're having it RIGHT NOW.

(A/N: Due to the PG-13 rating, the next painstaking 46 pages of details in this story will be cut.)

For once, an artistic decision that I can agree with. Yay!

"Congratulations, Raine," he whispered and planted a soft kiss on the mother's temple and a kiss on the top of the newborn's head. "Think of a name for her."

There was no question to what name Raine would choose for the child. "I'll name her Anna. Sound good?" She stroked the soft, small blanket wrapped delicately around Anna. Kratos nodded.

NO. NO IT IS NOT GOOD. Who the hell does this?! Who the hell willingly and enthusiastically names her baby after their husband's ex, especially if her husband is still obsessed with said ex?! More importantly, why does this happen in every Kratos/Raine fic?! Here's a crazy idea... Why don't they just name the baby Timmy or Alice or Steeplechase Airplane?!

Raine apparently sent Genis off to live with Lloyd and Colette. Yes folks, it means that she's living every woman's worst nightmare: She's become her mother.

Then the fic ends with an excruciatingly syrupy "Typical 1950s Family" domestic scene that I refuse to dignify with a comment, and a song from some anime that I don't know. Truly, it was aggravating to the bitter end.

Kratos/Raine fans... I'm not saying that you can't do this pairing. I'm just saying that you really need to stop doing it like this. Why can't Kratos sit in the bathroom and slit his wrists, and need Raine to use True Love to heal his emotional wounds? Or better yet, why don't you write about the real Kratos and Raine? The ones who are kind of emotionally messed up, but also kind of cool and interesting? Do you guys really want to be the That Pairing of the fandom?

I try to say something nice about each fic I read these days, so I guess... Well, as I mentioned before, the scene with the Eternal Sword might have been inspired by something that actually happened in-game, and Yuan's speechless, tell-not-show mention made him the best and least ruined character in the fic. I also like the fact that the fic was readable in a technical sense, because spell-checking is becoming a dying practice. So all in all, there should be a decent author here somewhere... just as long as we scrape through a few layers of unrepentant Kratos Fangirl to get to her.

Naruto :: Get Out Of My Head!

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 08:05:15 GMT

Get Out Of My Head!
Reviewed by: a somewhat hung-over Leather Daddy

SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5 (Bizarro-Neji and his wood for Hinata, the mistress of innuendo and double-entendre! The laughs never end!)
PLOT: 2/5 (Um...there's a plot...in the loosest sense of the word...)
WRITING: 3/5 (You needs a spellchecker and a better grasp of punctuation, precioussss)
DELIBERATE EXPLOITATION OF PEOPLE'S LOVE OF ONLINE PORN TO WHORE FOR REVIEWS: 10/5

I will never post a story without spellchecking and a looking over by my beta.
I will never hold my stories hostage for reviews.
I will never abandon a story.
I will never post anything I honestly think is no good.
I will treasure every review I get, and treat both praise and honest criticism with the consideration they deserve.

I was trolling the pit of voles looking for Naruto fic. You see, when I get really bored, only stupid ninja hijinks can help - and usually the "stupid" is unintentional. However, there are many fine Naruto fanfic authors, and one of them had this disclaimer in their author information. I practically wept with joy when I read it, for it's five commandments that EVERY online author should consider, no matter what their fandom. (Sadly, I can't remember whose disclaimer this was, so if you know, step up and claim your prize.)

However, as you may be aware, there are many terrible Naruto fanfic authors. Naruto, for those not into anime/manga, is a series about a brash young ninja who swears to come back from childhood prejudices against him to become the head of his ninja village. Cue lots of training, battles, pointless machismo, and really fucking stupid names. You know how silly it is when fanfic authors try to come up with original characters, and always use a dictionary to look up a name that means something like, "beautiful silver blossom?" The author of Naruto took this one step further and made just about every single name in the manga painfully bad.

Take the main character, Uzumaki Naruto. A Naruto is a kind of spiral fishcake that you put in ramen. "Uzumaki" means "spiral." Unsurprisingly, Naruto's favorite food is ramen. This is, as a friend put it, not unlike having a main character named Filet O'Fish. Who loves McDonald's. (You're on my hitlist too, Takeuchi Naoko.)

A quick and dirty LIST OF SHAME:
Haruno Sakura: Cherry Blossom of the Spring
Hatake Kakashi: Scarecrow in the Field
Uchiha Itachi: I am a Weasel (you cannot imagine my face when I heard what Sasuke's mysterious evil older brother was named.) *
Umino Iruka: ~~Chicken of the Sea~~Dolphin of the Sea
Yuuhi Kurenai: Crimson Sunset

* NOTE: I'm aware that an "uchiwa" (団扇 )is a fan, and that the Uchiha have the fan as their symbol, but I checked, and his name is written うちは, which to me just suggests that Kishimoto was making an extremely dumb layered pun.

You see how ridiculous this is? NARUTO IS NOT MEANINGFUL, PEOPLE! IT'S EXACTLY THIS STUPID!

*pant, pant*

I'm sorry, it's just both hilarious and frustrating to see people drool and wank over Naruto as if it's anything more than your standard shounen coming-of-age story…with ninjas. It's lots of fun, but if you suggest it's anything new or original or especially meaningful most of the time, I'll just laugh. (The same goes for Fullmetal Alchemist, but that's another rant for another day.)

Anyways, on to the fic. It was recommended to us by some of our fine readers over at sonps, who have already expressed their horror at this fic. I would like you to keep in mind that as of this reading, this fic has 633 reviews.

First off, NO FLAMES PLEASE! If you don't like the story, then don't review. My weak heart cannot take the abuse of flamers.
I do not own Naruto nor will I ever…I do wish that I did though!
There will probably be some grammar mistake so don't hate me for it, please.
Lastly, please review. I live for reviews!

I'm sorry, but the first line and the fourth line directly contradict each other. You say that you live for reviews and encourage reviews...and yet you say that if we don't like it, don't review. BZZZZT! Sorry, it doesn't work that way. I can understand not wanting to be flamed, but you'd better learn to live with reviews. Again, this is an OLD RANT. We'll move on.

This is a Neji x Hinata story, which the author informs us repeatedly that she won't change no matter what we say. Okay. First of all, I am wary of "pairingfic" - namely, fic that only exists to have Character A and Character B be in LURVE or have CRAZY MONKEY SEX. Usually that means that any kind of greater plot gets thrown out the window, other characters are turned into bizarre caricatures of themselves (either they goad the characters into getting together, or are evil monsters out to keep them apart), the unfortunate main characters have their personalities warped like pretzels so they'll behave in whatever fashion the author thinks is romantic...you get the idea. I'm as guilty the rest of you; I have my pet pairings that I like to read pairingfic for, but honestly, most of it sucks for the reasons I just mentioned.

Another supposed wrench in the works for this story is the fact that Neji and Hinata are first cousins. This makes people scream "OH MY GOD INCEST!!111" either in delight or horror. Personally, I don't see the big deal; if they were siblings, that'd deserve the warning, but cousins? They have never been really close, there are many reasons they've never been equals or interacted much...Neji spends most of the early part of the series actively hating and resenting Hinata...yeah.

Before we go on, let's briefly describe our protagonists:

Hyuuga Neji: A talented ninja, but part of the Branch Family of the Hyuugas so his forehead is marked with a curse seal that he keeps covered at all times. Basically, if he makes anyone from the Main Hyuuga family mad, they can do something and essentially make his head a splode. He is very bitter about this nonsense. Transfers his wangst and hate onto the person of Hinata until he gets beaten by Naruto in one of the numerous fights in the series and then starts the slow process of learning not to be a fucktard. He's the cold, stoic, bitter genius type.

Hyuuga Hinata: The future heir to the Hyuuga family; a meek and timid girl who spends her time stammering, hunching her shoulders, hiding, blushing, touching her forefingers together. Probably could be a decent ninja if she grew more of a spine. Was quite intimidated and frightened by her openly hostile cousin Neji but still tried to be civil to him.

You get the general idea here? Spineless and Bitter. Now, I'm actually quite fond of this pairing, and I've read several fics which slo-o-o-o-wly work their way into the pairing, playing on Hinata's essential kindness and capacity for forgiveness, and Neji's extremely understated and repressed ways of expressing emotion. You know, it's one of those "melting the iceberg" things. But my god, what the hell happened in this fic?

Neji was walking towards his house in a painful stride. His body was aching for the fifth time today. He wasn’t aching because of training since his wounds where taken care of by his sweet cousin. He wasn’t aching because of sickness because he was as healthy as a horse.
He was aching because of someone, more specifically, a girl, but not just any girl.

So Neji's waddling down the street like he's been kicked in the nuts...

The girl whom unknowingly cause his “discomfort” didn’t even know that she caused these strange yet pleasant feeling in him. The girl is pure, innocent and beautiful and she didn’t know that half the male population has a major crush on her.
She is sweet, kind and unbelievingly sexy.
‘Not to mention that her innocent touching cause a rise out of me. She caused this, the vixen…the minx, or should I say Hinata.’ He thought as he made his way towards the bathroom.

This is the sex-kitten in question. If you want to see what our bow-legged blue-balled KILLER NINJA looks like, uh...well, this is the least-freaky picture I can find of him, and it's for a pairing comm on DA. Oh dear. Apparently Hinata had the temerity to offer to bandage some of Neji's wounds. For the entire rest of the fic, Hinata will make some kind of (innocent?) double-entendre, and Neji will mentally respond in bad pickup lines. Seriously, what the hell? Neji, do you think any of those lines would WORK if you said them out loud?

HINATA'S INNUENDO	NEJI'S MENTAL MACK
“Turn your head please. I want to take care of your throbbing head.”	‘Which one?’
“Alright, but if you need me, or if your body starts to hurt again, come to my room. I’ll make sure to take real good care of you, Neji-kun.”	‘I’m sure you would, Hinata-chan.”
“Try not to overdue it in your next mission, Neji-kun. You needed to conserve your chakra for other important task. You might not know when you need it.”	‘Yes, I should conserve my chakra for a more important task. Maybe one that involves me with you in my bedroom.'
"Don’t worry, I’ll have you up and running in no time."	‘You don’t know the half of it.’
“Where are you going? You can’t leave yet. You have to let me finish you off.”	‘Did you have to say finish me off.’
"Now pull down your pants. I want to take a look at it.”	‘Take a look a what, I wonder.’
"You have to let me see if the area is infected. I don’t want you to get swollen or anything.”	‘To late.’
“Neji-kun, are you going to take it off or do I have to do it myself?”	‘Hm, I seem to remember that one of Kakashi-sensei’s porno stories beginning like this.’
“Do you want some help into you pants?”	‘No, but you can help me into yours.’
Totally unsolicited:	Those are some nice curves that I wouldn’t mind taking a ride on.’
Totally unsolicited:	‘I could just imagine myself slapping that [badonkadonk].’
Totally unsolicited:	‘I wonder how your hair looks, draped across my pillow.’
Totally unsolicited:	‘[Her nightdress] looks nice on her, but I bet it would look even better on the floor.’

This is just from the FIRST TWO CHAPTERS. And it DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER. The author says in her notes: Also, there is a lot of sexual innuendos and hentai thoughts in here so be prepared for it. Oh, I'm prepared for it all right, but it's just not clever or in-character, that's my problem!

Neji apparently got flattened under the speeding Mack truck of puberty, because no matter what Hinata does, he's got a dirty comment to make. Thank god he keeps all of this to himself, because it crosses the line from flattering interest straight into full-blown creepiness.

As Neji walked towards the door, Hinata ran and stood before him. She put her hands on her hips as she shook her head at him. She didn’t notice how that little move caused her delicate breasts to bounce, causing Neji to inwardly moan.

You realize that that's the mental image I'm getting, right? She's so flat that to make her boobies bounce, she'd have to do that. >3

Neji stared down at Hinata as she settled herself between his legs. He remembers how a few of his fantasies involved Hinata there, but of course she was doing a lot more then just tending to his leg. He once again felt his groin tighten at the thought. He moved the pillow a little closer to his lap.
“Why do you have my pillow on you lap, Neji-kun?” She asked as she stared into his pearl eyes.
“I felt that if the pain was too great that I could just clinch the pillow instead of my thigh.” He said honestly.

This is actually a pretty smooth excuse for covering up his boner. Nice one, Neji-kun! By the way, according to this fic, Neji calls his boner his "little buddy." I want you to imagine Neji saying that in all seriousness, and try not to kill yourself laughing. Anyways, Hinata gives Neji a friendly kiss on the cheek at the end of all this, and Neji turns it into a tonsil-hockey session, grinding against Hinata and making her notice his erection. Hinata, surprisingly, does not faint from embarrassment or scream and run, but finds the kiss quite nice and is rather thrilled that she turned Neji-niisan on enough to make him hump her leg like a desperate puppy. Neji calls Hinata "Hinata-chan" out of the blue, which is just...what? You don't jump from "Hinata-sama" to "Hinata-chan" in the space of seconds, no matter how bad you want to bone her. What if she a splodes your head, Neji?? What then???

“I’ll come to you tomorrow to change my bandages, Hinata-chan. Make sure you’re awake by the time I get there, or I might take advantage of your vulnerability.” He said as he stopped in the middle of the hallway.
“Of course, I mean that in a good and pleasurable way.” He said as he continued to walk back towards his room.

Oh, like that wasn't TOTALLY CREEPY, NEJI. If I were Hinata, I'd smile and nod and back away from my cousin who's threatening to molest me, and then come back with some ninjas for a beatdown. Or, you know, just a splode his head. I think that's going to be my solution for every weird, creepy situation Neji puts Hinata into in this fic.

Also, one of the things that really bugs me about this fic - that a lot of authors do - is the fact that they have to break the flow of the story to point out that this is a flashback, or that there's a missing scene you can email the author for, or whatever. I don't need to have something saying **FLASHBACK** or **PRESENT TIME** in most stories - what do you think this is, a silent movie that needs dialogue cards held up? For example, in the next chapter, Neji goes to wake up Hinata and starts sucking all over her like some kind of demented octopus/Dalek, while she reveals to him that she had an erotic dream about him.

1) How is it that Neji of the Branch House can just WALTZ INTO THE HEIR'S ROOM and start groping and making out with her first thing in the morning? Aren't there guards? Isn't he in an entirely different building? I know he's a ninja and can probably be pretty sneaky, but when everyone in the clan has the ability to literally see through walls, Neji's little booty call probably wouldn't go unnoticed.
2) ...Neji has Roman Hands?
3) ...Hinata has erotic dreams...and TELLS PEOPLE ABOUT THEM?

‘My body feels funny.’ Hinata thought as she felt warmth gather in the pit of her stomach.
“Why don’t you tell me about it then, Hinata-chan.” Neji said as he licked Hinata’s collarbone.
“…I don’t think I should.” She said as she tried to move her body away from Neji’s.
‘He sure is taking a lot of liberties.’ She thought as she found herself unable to move away from him.
‘Little Hinata is scared I see. I should calm her a little.’ He thought as he sat up and pulled her into his lap.
Hinata blushed when she found herself sitting on Neji’s lap, while he held her around the waist. Her dress was ridding up her leg so she tired to move the hem of her dress down, but the dress wouldn’t stay there. Neji took this opportunity to lay his hand on her creamy, bare thigh.
He stroked her thigh, while kissing her forehead.
“You should tell me everything, Hinata-chan. By confining in me, I would be able to help you and vice versa.” He said as he smiled at her red face.

Doesn't this sound like a pedophile with a five-year-old? A SPLODE!!11

And while all this is going on, we get:
In Hinata’s Dream
(This is were the lemon would be if I was allowed to write it.)

What? Don't do that! A skillful writer can skim over the omitted scene without feeling compelled to mention that it was left out, because, honestly, a blow-by-blow of Hinata's wet dreams is unlikely to be essential to the plot or flow of the story. Like a skilled seamstress, an author can sew together the two ends of the scene without making you really notice that there was something taken out. Then, if they want, they can put a note at the end that there's a lemon version of the chapter on AFF or MMOrg or what have you, go there for it.

And then, we have our cunning ploy to get reviews:

Note: I wrote a lemon for the dream sequence so if you want it, review and give me your e-mail address in the review. Remember that lemons have sex in it so don’t give me your e-mail address if you don’t want to read them.

You saw what I said up there about holding fics hostage for reviews? And that it was bad? SHE'S HOLDING PORN HOSTAGE FOR REVIEWS!

If she really wanted to share her porn with the world, she could have always uploaded the fully porny version of the fic on AdultFanfiction.Net or mediaminer.org or any of a number of places. I'm sure there's a "Hyuugacest" site out there willing to host it. She could also ask her readers to just email her for the porn. But no, to get the porn, you have to review.

Checking her profile...

1. Get Out of My Head!
Naruto - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 22827 - Reviews: 622
2. Why?
Naruto - Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1674 - Reviews: 17
3. Because Sasuke Only Means Sasuke To You
Naruto - Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1366 - Reviews: 22
5. You Scratch My Back, I'll Scratch Yours
Naruto - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 33325 - Reviews: 326

...see a certain pattern emerging? Now, author, I'm not picking on you, I'm just saying this is terribly poor form and smacks of trying to artificially inflate your review numbers. I've offered a couple sites where you can upload your adult-rated fiction and provide a link for your readers. Then again, this author has already stated at the outset that they're only really interested in positive, ego-stroking reviews, so...

Well, upon skimming some of the reviews for the other fics, all I can conclude is that people's porn standards are low. "omg so kyoot r u gonna continue???" for a Sasuke x Hinata fic where they end up groping each other in a movie theater?

*sigh* Anyways, this ROMANTIC INTERLUDE is broken by Naruto throwing rocks at the window to invite Hinata to go to lunch with him. Hinata wants to accept, but Neji grabs her ass out of sight of Naruto and announces that he's going to chaperone them.

“Hinata-chan, I wanted to ask you something, but I didn’t think it would be good for me to call you since your family is sort of…overprotective. Especially your weird cousin.” Naruto said as he rubbed behind his head.
‘Weird? He calls me weird?’ Neji thought as he leaned against the wall beside Hinata where he knew Naruto could not see him.
“Ask him what he wants to ask you about.” Neji said quietly to Hinata.
“Naruto-kun, what is it that you want to ask me?” Hinata asked as she tilted her head in an adorable manner.

Naruto is actually the most in-character of all the people in this fic; everything he says seems like something he'd say...assuming he were talking to Hinata in a see-through nightie and her creepily touchy-feely cousin. Neji uses random fangirl Japanese ("baka" "dobe") to refer to Naruto. They go out for ramen (of course) and at the ramen bar, they meet...

Hinata and Neji turn their head to see Sasuke staring at Hinata. Naruto notice this and got up from his chair to stand in front of Hinata.
‘Damn Sasuke! He probably here to ruin my date with Hinata! Ever since he found out that we both liked her, he has been trying to get closer to her more then usual.’ Naruto thought as he glared at Sasuke.

So, Sasuke's...in love with Hinata too. Again, this is so totally random because this character's only concern is REVENGE!!11 and BECOMING THE STRONGEST!!1 Then again, Sasugay's probably in love with Naruto and doesn't know it. The series get amusingly homoerotic at times. Sasugay's two biggest fangirls show up and drag Sasugay off with them, and Neji and Naruto hiss and spit at each other over Hinata. Then Hinata starts eating ramen in an erotic fashion...

...yes, you can reread that sentence...

The noodles in Naruto mouth swayed back and forth, causing some broth to fly everywhere. Some drops of broth hit Hinata’s face and fingers. Neji would have yelled at Naruto, but Hinata did something that made him speechless. She moved her fingers towards her mouth. Her small pink tongue darted out to lick each of her fingers. Neji watched as her tongue flicked up and down each finger until the broth was completely gone. After that, her small tongue darted out to slowly lick around her mouth to catch the broth droplet that splattered on her.

[Leather Daddy] [Neji] HAWWWWWWWWWWTTTTTTT
[Gilded Fantasy] I think Neji would have smacked naruto without really processing that he was smacking naruto.
[Gilded Fantasy] it's one of those instinctive things.
[Leather Daddy] dude, this neji is like a creepy youth pastor, though
[Leather Daddy] he's like, "why don't you sit on neji-niisan's lap and tell me about all your dirty, dirty dreams, hinata" *reaches up her see-through nightie*

Neji’s Daydream
(This is where the lemon would be if I was allowed to write it)

You see how annoying that is?

Anyways, in the NEXT chapter (sheesh) Hinata goes to the head of the Hyuuga clan and asks Daddy if she can move out of the compound. “Daddy, I need to learn how to survive on my own. I need to know that I’m not dependent of the Hyuuga’s. By living on my own, I can teach myself to be independent. Anyway, since I’m working at the hospital, I might be coming home late and I don’t want to wake the whole household when I come home.” Hinata explains as she places her teacup on her saucer.

This might be plausible if she were an teenager going away to college and not, you know, the sheltered heiress of a ninja clan. Also, Hinata does not call her father "Daddy" or cling to him and give him puppy-eyes to get her way. She's very shy, and her father's kind of disappointed in her for being so timid and weak. However, Daddy tells her that not only can she move out, he's going to foot all the bills, get her a nice place, and get her a proper roommate. She skips off, and Neji slinks in and says that he wants to move out too.

“Hm…Hinata asks to leave as well.” Hiashi said as he scratches his chin.
“Did she?” Neji said in fake surprise.
“Yes. I would ask for you to stay with her, but it would be inappropriate seeing as you are male and she a female.” Hiashi exclaims as he sips his tea again.
‘Damn it! I thought he would ask me to live with her.’ Neji thought.
“Is she living alone?” Neji asks as he pours some tea for himself.
“No. I told her I would find her a roommate. Preferably a woman who is strong and would protect her.” Hiashi said.
“Hm, well, how do you know if the woman can be trusted? At least with me, you know that I would protect her quite well.” Neji said calmly.
Hiashi continues to scratch his chin in thought.
“You are correct with that fact, but how can I have you stay with her without any vile rumors spreading around. Even if you are her relative, people will think dirty thoughts.” Hiashi said sternly.
After a few minutes of silence, Hiashi finally stares at Neji.
“You would have been a great leader of the Hyuuga clan, Neji. Too bad you are not my son…but I believe that there is a way for you to live with Hinata and be my next heir.” Hiashi said as he got up from his seat to walk towards his desk.
‘What is he talking about?’ Neji thought as he too got up from his seat to stand in front of Hiashi.
“Neji, I will like for you to do me a favor. I want to arrange a marriage for you.” Hiashi said calmly.
“Arrange marriage? I will have to decline, Hiashi-sama.” Neji said as he felt anger pour into his body.
‘No way in hell is he going to marry me off to some bitch I don’t even know.’ Neji thought angrily.
“Let me finish. If you agree with this arrange marriage, I will take off your curse seal on your forehead. All I ask is for you to marry the girl of my choosing.” Hiashi exclaimed.
“I’m sorry, but I have to decline, Hiashi-sama. I don’t want to marry someone I don’t even know.” Neji said calmly.
“Ah, but you do know her, Neji. You’ve known her for almost all of your life.” Hiashi explained.
Neji gave him an incredulous look.
“Who?” Neji asked.
“Hinata.” Hiashi said.

What...just....what? Where did "I'm moving out" turn into "Marry Hinata"? Anyways, Neji stalks Hinata to her apartment, announces that they're getting married, he loves her, she loves him, blah blah blah blah. “We are engaged now, Hinata-chan. Whatever we do is perfectly alright.” Neji said as he began to unbutton her blouse.
Their First Night Together
(This is where the lemon would be if I was allowed to write it)

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKES!

Hinata fell asleep dreaming of Neji and her walking across a moonlit beach, as Neji fell asleep dreaming of Hinata and him making love over and over again.

Hahahaha! That sentence is just so...telling...oh god, I can't stop laughing.

The next morning, Neji is about to teach Hinata how to ride the baloney pony by sitting in his lap, when they are interrupted by Naruto and Sasuke visiting Hinata's new home. Neji takes the time to totally rub their faces in the fact that he's Hinata's new fiance and that he's taking advantage of the fact to get his freak on. They leave, and...uh...

Shower Time Fun
(This is were the lemon would be if I were allowed to write it)

They eat dinner, and...

Something Else to Eat
(This is where the lemon would be if I could write it)

You see how utterly wearying this is? Anyways, Lee comes to visit and is struck by how sexy and alluring Hinata is. What the HELL? How is Hinata suddenly the hottest piece of ass in Konoha? Anyways, for some reason, all the main characters end up going to a hot springs for no purpose other than to gossip and probably trigger more sex scenes.

“Um…he’s…well…and it’s…you see…” Hinata stutters while blushing.
“He must be fantastic to make Hinata lose her sense of speech.” Ino said as she giggles.
“Yeah. By the looks of him, he is probably wild in the sack.” Sakura said as she giggles as well.
“He has to be with that gigantic package he has.” Ino states as she has a dreamy look in her eyes.
Hinata blushes at their conversation.
“Ino, how do you know that he has such a nice package.” Sakura asks as she stares at her blond friend.
“Just look at it. Even in it’s flaccid state, it’s huge. Don’t act like you don’t look Sakura. I see the times when you drool when he training in only his tight pants. You do the same thing with Sasuke-kun.” Ino said knowingly.
“You got me. Hey, I’m only human.” Sakura exclaims.

I take a look at my enormous penis, and my troubles start a-meltin' away o/~

Hinata and Neji use their byakugan (special ability to see through walls) to leer at each other in their respective gender-divided pools. Oh, dear god, if I only knew that magical ninja abilities were created to facilitate porn...unless you're Jiraiya. Then again, I knew that, because I've read a couple of fics with completely unorthodox uses of the sharingan. Kakashi and Jiraiya make cameos in this fic to also be TOTALLY STUNNED BY SEXY HINATA'S HOTNESS. Then Hinata, startlingly, initiates the next...

Hot Spring Fun
(This is where the lemon would be if I could write it)

The lemons aren't the only time she uses the completely unnecessary breaks; for example, take the beginning of chapter 8:

Inside Neji and Hinata’s Apartment

Neji woke to the sound of birds chirping outside his window. Opening his eyes, he could see the sunlight peek through the blinds beside the bed. He reaches over to the side but encounters the cool sheets where his fiancé should have been.
Sitting up, he notices a note attach to her pillow. He takes it and read it.

Hinata’s Letter

Dear Neji,
I left to go to the hospital at 4:00 a.m. and I wont be back for a while. I made some breakfast for you. It’s in the fridge so heat it up when you’re hungry.
Love you,
Hinata

End Note

‘So she wont be back for a while. What should I do till then?’ Neji thought as he sat on the bed with a thoughtful look.
‘Maybe I should do something…romantic. I can’t help but feel that she is still question our love for one another.’ Neji thought as he remembers what happened at the hot spring yesterday night.

Flashback
(This flashback is from the lemon in the last chapter)

And so on. Ouch.

You know what? I can't read any more. I'll sum this up right here.

GOOD THINGS:

Um...well...I did like how Naruto was characterized in his brief appearance.

The writing's better than many fics I've read in the pit of voles, I'm very sad to say.

THINGS THAT COULD REALLY USE SOME IMPROVEMENT:

Even if this is "just" a lemon fic, it needs to be run through a spellchecker and also proofread carefully. There's a lot of misspelled words, as well as homonyms that a spellchecker won't catch.

The tenses of the writing switch wildly, sometimes within a single sentence. Is this present-tense? Past? What's going on? It'll affect how you conjugate your verbs.

The characterization, um...you may want to reconsider it. Even if you want assume that Neji has miraculously worked through all his issues by the age of 18 and Hinata is sexy and confident at that age as well, the way those two would get their freak on is probably quite different than, say, Kakashi-sensei and Kurenai-sensei.

Don't fish for reviews. To paraphrase Field of Dreams, "If you write it, they will come."

Um, Neji's aggressiveness comes across as creepy lechery, especially since it seems so uncharacteristic of him.

The author of this fic said something interesting in chapter 4: Just so you know, this story is basically a smut story. You know, sexual situations and stuff like that. I’m the type that wants for the characters to have affectionate touching without having to go through twelve chapters before they actually notice each other. That is just wasting my time.

I know that many people agree with this, and indeed, PWPs can be great fun. However, the fics with sex or romance in them that I remember and enjoy the most are the ones that, indeed, go through the twelve chapters of plot/characterization/relationship establishment before there's any porn. Not that I think instant lust is a bad thing, but especially in the case of characters that are not canonically in a sexual/romantic relationship, ESPECIALLY if they're your typical "WTF" pairings in the pit of voles, I LIKE to be talked into the pairing. Make me buy it! Buy me roses, take me out to dinner, give me some foreplay, so to speak! Make me really want to see them FINALLY get it on! Why the hell are they so horny for each other that they have to jump each other in broom closets?

How do you readers feel? Am I the only one who likes being talked into the pairings before they just randomly jump each other?

Now, for a first! Since I've done this fic, I'll suggest some Neji, Hinata, or Neji x Hinata fics that I do like. They're pretty different in style, but all at least TRY to make a reasonable case for their pairing without totally raping characterization...except for The Family Business, which is parody anyways. >D

Rosemary for Remembrance
The Family Business - I hurt myself laughing. This is how you can have "Neji" and "porn" in the same sentence.
Learning How To Breathe
gravity

Got any others you want to suggest? When I need Naruto fic that doesn't hurt, I usually check naruto_recs, Sacred Scrolls, or Forbidden Scrolls.

ADDITIONAL PIMPING:

limyaael has written up a bunch of excellent Fantasy Rants which are very helpful for aspiring fantasy authors...as well as your average fanficcer. Read away!

You don't say, Hinata! :D

We're baaaaaaaaack

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 02:03:07 GMT

In a sense; I finally crawled out from under my 70-hour workweek and checked our gmail account, only to discover that nobody had checked it for about six months. We're horrible people.

To my joy, however, I found several guest reviews that I will promptly slap up here while I continue gouging out my eyes with this fic. I'm working on a review as I speak...no, seriously! Why are you all laughing? Even better, one of the reviews is by someone we'd previously sporked, so we've got proof that you can have a sense of humor about this. After all, people, it's just the internet.

~ Leather Daddy

Greetings, all. I'm Rann. You may remember me as the author of the fic that Leather Daddy reviewed here... and then you may say "What the hell, freak?! FicBitches reviewed your twisted fic, you're supposed to hate them more than someone with John Kerry's face tattooed on their pelvis hates George Bush! What are you doing submitting a guest review?!"

Well, that would be because I love FicBitches. I've loved them ever since I discovered them via the review of "Pop Goes the Ranma". Hell, I love the review of that, I thought it was pretty damn funny. That fic is something that I'M amazed I wrote, something I just sort of grin and shake my head at... I'm still not ashamed at it, just a little bemused that I wrote it at all, it feels like reading someone else's work.

But my point is, there's anything but hard feelings, and FicBitches has been quiet for far too long.

Now, rather than go trolling for some pour soul's fanfic to jump all over, I thought I'd indulge in a different activity I rather enjoy... cruising FF.net not for bad fanfics, but bad fanfic summaries. Often, the summary is the most jaw-dropping, head-shaking, please-end-my-suffering part of the whole thing. And let's face it... just hitting the summaries appeals to that low attention span in all of us. It also saves one the utter and pure agony of wanting to claw their eyes out at the fic's actual writing, and merely provides that soothing migraine of horror at the simple concept of the fic.

Generally, the best thing to do is hit a fairly small fandom, one that only has a couple of pages of fics, so you can roll through one entire sucky fandom at a go. I did this with Carmen Sandiego fandom, a small show with a surprising number of fics, almost all of them conforming to the horrible fanfiction stereotypes that you'd really expect of a much larger, much crazier fandom.

So, let's try and pick our fandom today, shall we? We need something with a suitable number of fics, probably somewhere between fifty and a hundred, give a few dozen. Anime fandom is a little too easy, and we almost EXPECT all this stuff from it. It's much more fun when the very concept of it makes your teeth grind. So, in that spirit and in hopes of destroying a few childhoods, let's hit the "Cartoon" section.

Aladdin? Too many. (Though morbid curiosity almost compells anyway.) Alvin and the Chipmunks? Sure to be scary, but a bit too few. Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers...? ... So tempting, right number, but then we'd likely just be harping on all the Gadget fics. Ah... AH! Perfect!

Mummies Alive!.

A little-known, weekday-morning nineties show, Mummies Alive! featured the adventures of four mummies with magic armor, martial arts, and cool vehicles protecting their reincarnated Pharaoh. It's like a wonderful list of all that's wacky and stereotypical about American cartoons, but despite that, it was still a FUN series, and I cursed every single day that I was forced to leave in the middle of it to go to school. The characters were amusing, the character DESIGN was cool, and overall it's one of those things you think back to and say "Heh... that was great."
Let's see if we can destroy that feeling in 89 fics or less, shall we?

1. The Egyptian Prince meets Harry Potter by Bonnie4 reviews

A Harry Potter/Mummies Alive Crossover. Will Presley learn who his is Grandfather? Also learn to live with his new life?
G - English - General - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3289 - Reviews: 11 - Updated: 9-1-04 - Published: 4-20-03

Because who doesn't need some Harry Potter in their lives? Seriously, what is this compulsion to have EVERYTHING cross over with Harry Potter? I can understand the desire, to a certain extent. Harry Potter is certainly a neat series, but it doesn't fit with everything under the sun. It certainly doesn't properly mingle with a series set in San Francisco featuring hot-rodding mummies.
This fic obviously also suffers from the desire, sometimes plausible, most times flabbergasting, to have characters from the different serieses related by blood. Ranma Saotome and Ataru Moriboshi? Plausible. But five bucks says that Presley's grandpa turns out to be either Dumbledore or a Potter. Not so plausible. In fact, rather ridiculous.
Oh dear. It's only the very first fic, and already they've gotten their Harry Potter in my obscure fandom. This does not bode well.

4. Claws of Shadows (Co-Writer Trynia) by Jadej.j reviews

Joshua Blade (fan character from Mummies Alive) must deal with his family's past that has to deal with a Female Gargoyle
PG - English - Action/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 31824 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 8-12-04 - Published: 12-31-00

And by fic number four, we've completely discarded the actual characters, are focusing on Gary Stus created for the series, and are crossing over with other cartoons to get said Gary Stu a hot and exotic girlfriend.
My faith in humanity usually doesn't take this hard a hit unless I'm reading "News of the Weird". Just... what? Why? Is it an elaborate spoof? Surely no one would actually make up an OC called "Joshua Blade" and expect him to be seen as anything other than a blatant self-insert. If I actually look in this fic, what am I going to find? The Mummies crowing over how great Joshua is, Presley wishing he could be just like him, and Joshua thanking them humbly before heading off to bang Garg-babes? Well, I'm not going to look.
...
... Fuck, I looked.
It starts off with Vikings. -Vikings-. This non-sequitor leads in to writing that tries, very hard, to seem grim and mysterious, with Joshua as this cool, tortured hero who is in command of himself and everything around him. It fails. These attempts miraculously manage to seem both too clipped and short and to drag on ridiculously. I'm sure this fic, by itself, could make a great FicBitches review, but my short attention span lazily calls me back to the summaries.

5. Why Not Me? by SnowChaser reviews

In my usual angsty style, a monologue of sad proportions goes on, silently, unbidden and unprevented in the mind. Evolved from a fanfic written for my little cousin.
PG - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 941 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 7-10-04 - Published: 7-10-04

One barely knows where to begin. I would say that the fic likely is, as he says, of sad proportions, and it will likely be unbidden in going on in your mind. But also, I love that this LJbunny-esque rant of angst and darkness is written for his or her rather young cousin. "Here you go, little Billy! I know you wanted a new skateboard for your birthday, but I wrote you an angstfic for Mummies Alive! instead." "... Wow. Um, thanks."

6. Lost power, Lost love by AeronAi reviews

I had a dream about this last year Oo; I miss the show
PG - English - Romance/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1678 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 6-7-04 - Published: 6-7-04

Don't you love summaries like this? Tells you so much about the fic. They had a DREAM! The fic perhaps contains a mummy standing before a crowd of other mummies, declaring that one day, little live children and little dead children will play together in harmony? ... I think I might read that.

8. Of Vows and Promises by IshTara reviews

Nefertina thinks she's lost everything. But has she? Nefertina and Ja-Kal Romance
G - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4626 - Reviews: 8 - Updated: 5-8-04 - Published: 5-8-04

Yes, she's lost everything, including her major internal organs.
I mean, come on, people. We know that some of the mummies have angst about not being able to lead a normal life, it's addressed in the show itself. (Which was one of the things that actually made it stand out a bit amidst all the other meaningless crap cartoon shows.) But somehow I just can't see any of them breaking down and shouting the equivalent of "OMG I HAVE TEH NOTHING! I WANT 2 DIE (again)!" and needing to be comforted out of it. They all accepted their fate because protecting their Pharaoh meant that much to them... having one of them angst endlessly about losing everything is like Sailor Senshi moping about their lost normal lives because of their obligation to serve their Princess. Sure, maybe for a paragraph or so, but when you start going on and on, it stops being good fic and starts being one of the whinier episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

10. The Pharaoh's Cousin by LadySnape13 reviews

Presley is about finds out about cousin he never knew he had. However, this cousin has a connection to Presley’s ancient spirit. Will this be a good thing or will destroy everthing?
G - English - General/General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 380 - Reviews: 5 - Updated: 12-13-03 - Published: 12-13-03

And more Gary Stu/Mary Sue fic. Good night. When I thought it might be like this, it was kind of a joke... I mean, I'd been through the Carmen Sandiego one and saw how bad such an obscure fandom could be in hitting so many horrible cliches, but Carmen Sandiego had the supporting series of games and is still being rerun in some places. But... but...

11. Wolves of Canaan by Mecha Duck reviews

The first part of a series. The staff and ring of two Canaanite brothers, killed in Egypt, come alive in their descendent and threaten the existence of Presley and the Mummies!
PG - English - Supernatural/General - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5309 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 11-25-03 - Published: 8-29-03

Just look at it. Just LOOK. They're not just Mary Sues... they're BADASS Mary Sues. They're butt-whooping, weapon-wielding, war-whooping Mary Sues. They're Mary Sues on the warpath. Mary Sues on a MISSION. These are the Mary Sues the Harry Potter fandom was snorting at and kicked out.

12. The Dark Cobra Saga by Ner'ual Say'lar reviews

Chapter 2: I'll put a spell on you.... The mummies are called out when Scarab attacks the museum... and put his plan into action... MM slash stuff going on in first and later chappies... you have been 4 warned...
G - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6114 - Reviews: 10 - Updated: 11-8-03 - Published: 3-30-03

Not just living dead sex... LIVING DEAD YAOI SEX! This review is officially not a waste! I have found teh mummypr0n, and it is GAY! But, luckily, we are not only warned, not even doubly warned, but warned four times over. Lucky, eh?

13. The Princess Of Priceless Beauty by GambitsJami reviews

Presley will soon be 13 years old which means this is Scarab's last chance. Can a reincarnated princess put an end to Scarab?
PG-13 - English - Action/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3674 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 11-7-03 - Published: 11-7-03

C'mon. Now you're not even TRYING, Mary.

15. Get a Life by Requiem Hearts reviews

Scarab's got problems; BIG problems and his withering health is not even the sum of it. Soul-sucking fiends, Mistaken Identities, Dead Overloads and classic mummy antics abound! What more can you expect in a MA fiction?
PG - English - General/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1387 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 10-18-03 - Published: 10-18-03

I dunno. Quality? Appeal? Proper capitalization?

16. IT'S BACK ON THE AIR! by Mainstream Soveriegn reviews

CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS 'CAUSE IT'S BACK!
G - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 121 - Reviews: 5 - Updated: 9-29-03 - Published: 9-29-03

Well. Guess I was wrong. It IS still being rerun. And Fanfiction.net is now TV Guide.
(Funny, I once put up a fic of my personal character giving a speech after 9/11. Yeah, corny, sappy, and probably stupid, I know. But it was an emotional time, I had a lot to say, and I said it from the heart through that. It was deleted within twenty-four hours for not being a proper fanfic, and I was temp-banned. This thing's been up for almost five months. I love FF.net, I really do.)

17. Elemental Guardian SagaCo Writer Sohkarra by Trynia Merin reviews

A new forensic scientist working on mummies for Amanda at the Museum, encounters the mummies and her own destiny as a Guardian
PG - English - Action/Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 87101 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 9-27-03 - Published: 9-27-03

The Mary Sues keep on rollin' in, from every angle. Pretty soon, there won't be a single person in Presley's life who isn't a bad-ass fighter with their own animal spirit armor and whoopass car.

18. The DamiaTrynia Chronicles by Trynia Merin reviews

Damia, property of Damia is the fox guardian and she has a secret. Amanda Xrays an ancient mummy to find she's actually a cyborg mummy!
PG - English - Action/Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 5 - Words: 52725 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 9-19-03 - Published: 9-19-03

At this point, the me that's about a decade or so younger started bawling, punching me, and accusing me of trying to kill it by reading through these summaries. I stood there, shell-shocked, unable to find it in me to refute the poor thing.

19. The Rath of Two Princesses by Trynia Merin reviews

Rath awakens a new mummy to fight an ancient princess, Kara, who wants to take over the world and destroy Prince Rapses
PG-13 - English - Fantasy/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 43710 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 9-19-03 - Published: 9-19-03

So here we have Evil Sue and Good Sue, no doubt destined to fight to the death while the rest of the cast stands about gasping in awe like the extras in a DBZ parody. And my ears are bleeding. I press forward... perhaps my sacrifice shall redeem me in the eyes of those who view me as a monster for the fic that's posted here. Or maybe I'm just infected with Sueness from contact with these.

21. Numb by love park reviews

What if Rapses and his guardians didn't die in the battle against scarab...
PG-13 - English - Angst/Horror - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2704 - Reviews: 7 - Updated: 8-7-03 - Published: 7-22-03

Well, considering they lived before the birth of Christ, I'm pretty sure they'd still be pretty dead by now.

22. Robing a Bank by Nefer1

After a hart fight, the mummies aren’t able to get the back. Therefore, they call Ra for help…
G - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1182 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 7-2-03 - Published: 7-2-03

The various mockeries began a fistfight trying to get through my fingers and into the text file all at once.
Mockery 1: "The 'hart' thing! Say that the mummies were out watching forest quadrapeds battle to the death!"
Mockery 2: "No, no, the thing about 'the back'! Their backs fell off and they couldn't bend over to pick them up without back muscles!"
Mockery 3: "About calling Ra! Cell phone joke! 'Hi, Ra, how're you? Listen, we need a tow...'"
Insults were exchanged. Somebody said an ethnic slur. It all ended with hot hatesex on the floor, and wound up as bad Mockery slashfic on ff.net.

24. Unknown Memories by Sailor Elf reviews

When an exhibit from Egypt arrives in San Fransisco, things turn up a notch as Scarab brings the vengeful mummy back to life and she's determined to finish what she started
PG - English - Mystery - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2678 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 4-26-03 - Published: 4-26-03

Emerilfic! "Bam! We're gonna kick this Mary Sue up a notch!"

25. Time in time by Pyro Tear

just...something i'm writing
PG - English - Action/Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1534 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 4-24-03 - Published: 4-24-03

Well. That's... nice. o.o;;;

Oh god, and that's only page one. Of four.
Okay, from here on in, if it's JUST a Mary Sue/Badass Mary Sue, it doesn't rate mention. It's gonna have to be a stunning, wild Mary Sue of jaw-disconnecting proportions, or something really just ODD to get in here, or this is gonna go on forever.
(That, and I'm not sure how much more my weak physical form can endure.)

26. To Have and To Hold by Julie Horwitz reviews

A mini-sequel to "Truth's Consequences". The mummies, Presley, and Amanda run out of money while on the run and decide to resupply in Las Vegas.
PG-13 - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 38000 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 4-13-03 - Published: 4-13-03

This one rates a mention for just the sheer logical fallacy. Sure, we all know you can take money and parlay it into a LOT of money in Las Vegas, but that generally requires you to start with a fairly goodly amount first. Or... some. Y'know, not just walking in there with nothing, sitting down at the blackjack table, and saying "Give me a million bucks if I win. Now hit me."
Insert your own "hit me" joke here.

29. BoobALouBobby Meets the Mummies alive by Gwendolyn2 reviews

ever have a person who you don't like hang out with you constantly and that person dosn't understand the fact you don't like them and you really want them to go away. That person is a Boob-A-Lou-Bobby and is time for payback... EGYPT-TSU STYLE ;D
PG - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 332 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 4-10-03 - Published: 4-10-03

*blinks slowly*
Now... we all know what revengefic is, right? Characters taking revenge on other characters that have wronged them. Or, in some cases, on the fanfic authors who have wronged them. (Usually with the author in question writing the revengefic themselves.) But... what is this? Personal grudge fic? Fic written about someone that got on the author's nerves on some forum? An annoying reviewer? And they're having the mummies kick his ass as a way to say "Go away! Don' like you!"
I'd ask if there's anything more juvenile, but... well, I've been around long enough to know there is, so I won't.

34. The Arrogance of Love by RatheraMutemwiya reviews

Rath/Scarab slash. A meeting of minds; a shared ambition; a threatened kingdom. New chapter as of January 6th 2003!
PG-13 - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 6364 - Reviews: 36 - Updated: 1-6-03 - Published: 3-20-01

... Eek. I don't know if any of you reading even remember this series, let alone Scarab, but picture a cross between M. Bison, the hulking leader of Shadaloo, and Mr. Burns, decrepit megalomaniac of the Simpsons.
Think about that. Think about that, in any sort of sexual situation whatsoever. Know my fear.

37. new commer by wildwing

A new guardian comes to join prince Rapses Guardians a priestess to the god ra and the goddess bastet
PG - English - General/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1457 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 10-3-02 - Published: 10-3-02

This one gets a mention not even because of the Mary Sue, but the way in which the Mary Sue embodies so much of what's wrong with these sort of characters. This is the sort of Mary Sue that drives people nuts, that have people eyeing any original character with suspicion and annoyance.
First, there's the utter disregard for any actual realism. As far as I know, Egyptian priestesses pretty much picked a single deity, and stuck with it, they didn't CROSS-CLASS with their religion.
Second, there's the fact that she's a priestess of Ra, the god that all the other mummies worship above all others. This means that she automatically gets their respect and deference without having to work for it. It's the equivalent of giving your Mary Sue a higher rank, stronger powers, or closer connection to characters of influence than the canon ones.
Third, there's the Bastet thing. Bast/Bastet is popular amongst poseur squealy-girls, because she's a cat goddess. There's a lot of art out there done of her looking sexy and in pretty clothes, and that's as far as most of them take it. I don't know all that much about Bast, but I do know that most Egyptian gods were amazingly violent and generally had a bit more depth than "Oooo, pretty kitty."

38. Untitled by Kara Star reviews

A SM/MA x-over. I post this for Liz(who is great writer). And I am just the bete-reader, So please R&R.
G - English - General - Chapters: 2 - Words: 10118 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 9-15-02 - Published: 9-15-02

You know, first of all, bothering to come up with a title is one of those things that show you care about a fic. If you don't care about it enough to title it, why should people care enough about it to read it?
Then there's the fact that Sailor Moon and Mummies Alive! are even less compatible than Harry Potter. Sure, there's a certain similarity in the "monster of the week" department, but it's just such an enormous stretch to get them to interact that it's ridiculous almost on the face of it.

42. Who Am I? by JStreet reviews

After a battle with Scarab, Presley is knocked out and has amnesia
G - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1302 - Reviews: 7 - Updated: 7-14-02 - Published: 7-14-02

43. Kindred Spirits by Daughter of Shaadi and Dartz reviews

Nefertina has amnesia and Rath is desperate to help her. A young girl who is a close friend to Presley finds herself swept up into a world far beyond her wildest dreams, and is about to discover a long-kept secret that will change her life forever.
G - English - General/Romance - Chapters: 19 - Words: 16089 - Reviews: 8 - Updated: 6-14-02 - Published: 6-12-02

These two I posted mostly for the amusement factor of two fics in a row with amnesia as their theme. The fact that one's a Mary Sue is just bonus.

47. Strange Things are Afoot by Raikana Sakaro reviews

I'm back! I hope this turns out better than my last crossover. I'm really sorry about that one. Anyway, this is a LOTR/MA crossover, featuring my character.
PG - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4422 - Reviews: 7 - Updated: 2-18-02 - Published: 2-15-02

... Crossing over Lord of the Rings and Mummies Alive! is supposed to be an APOLOGY?! o.O Forget about my saying the other crossovers were implausible, they're downright logical in the face of -this-.

51. Jackals and Falcons by Kodora reviews

Hmm. Well. Another SLASHY-LISCIOUS snippety Rhett story. It unfinished. Has a neat Egyptian flashback, though.
PG-13 - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2409 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 1-13-02 - Published: 1-13-02

... "Slashy-liscious"? I'm not sure this author is quite old enough to be reading their own fics. I mean... well, just... "slashy-liscious". There y'go.

56. Nef's story by Whitecat reviews

What if Nef had a brother who was angrey that they knew she was a woman & still worked in the palce.
PG - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 217 - Reviews: 8 - Updated: 12-14-01 - Published: 12-14-01

Angsty misogyny fic. Because why should yuri fandom have all the fun?

60. Gone by tigereve920 reviews

They lose one of their own in battle. The tragedy causes a mummy to experience deep regret and lamentation.
PG-13 - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1682 - Reviews: 7 - Updated: 9-29-01 - Published: 9-29-01

Don't you love the subtlety going on, there? "You can't just tell people what the characters are feeling! That makes me angry!"

62. I'm a Mummy on a Mission by Celestra reviews

((Old work)) Nefertina's feelings come out in a song, which is a parody of "I'm A Genie In A Bottle" by Christina Aguilera. Oh dear Ra . . .
G - English - Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 591 - Reviews: 12 - Updated: 8-23-01 - Published: 8-23-01

Oh dear Ra indeed. Though I suppose there's hope for that one being tongue-in-cheek. But it's still a Christina Aguilera songfic involving the living dead.

64. Bad Blood by Koishii-kun reviews

Yet another Fanchar, this time Kah'shi - son to Pharaoh Amenhotep with a second wife. The first born son of the pharaoh lives a life as heir to the throne of all Egypt. Until Rapses is born...
PG - English - General/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2527 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 7-21-01 - Published: 7-21-01

You know, I somehow can't help but picture Kah'shi as blonde, rat-faced, and having to keep from saying "Potter" instead of "Rapses" when he sneers.

66. Misguided Mummies by Lila-May Chanson reviews

A mysterious Mummy keeps popping up unexpectedly. She is linked to Rath through a past that no one can seem to pry from her, for it could have devistating consequences on her life, and the mummies.
PG-13 - English - General/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1749 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 7-16-01 - Published: 7-16-01

She's mys-teeeeeeeeer-ious! Ooooooeeeeeeeeeeoooooooo!

67. Race the Wind by Lacey reviews

Come trip the light fantastic. Come race the wind. (Poem from Nef's POV)
G - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 320 - Reviews: 6 - Updated: 7-12-01 - Published: 7-12-01

... "Trip the light fantastic"? ... ... ... "Trip the light fantastic"?! o.O

68. Anniversary by tigereve920 reviews

Angst. Vignette. Ja-Kal has a few drinks... R&R!
PG-13 - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5084 - Reviews: 8 - Updated: 7-11-01 - Published: 7-11-01

You know, I can kinda see that. He doesn't have a liver anymore, his tissues are dried up and would absorb alchol really well... sure, give the guy a couple of beers, he'd be pickled in no time.

81. A Meeting of Magi by RatheraMutemwiya reviews

Scarab and a lady.... silly fluff, but when one can't get romance in the real world, one rights about it. The lady is Rathera, my fan char from other posted MA fics. Review if you are feeling generous!
PG - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1769 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 1-4-01 - Published: 1-4-01

I'm left once more not quite knowing where to begin. The admittance that she's writing a Mary Sue because she's not getting any in real life? Misspelling "write"? The fact that she chose the aforementioned Bison/Burns hybrid to scratch her frustration-itch?

And that wraps it up for the G to PG-13 category. We're crossing the home stretch. Just gotta hit the R-rated ones, and we're done. Hold it together! Hold it together!

2. Dreams and Nightmares by miss lizz reviews

Scarab discovers a new spell and it marks trouble for everyone. Please R&R.
R - English - General - Chapters: 6 - Words: 7463 - Reviews: 16 - Updated: 6-1-04 - Published: 11-6-02

Scarab is stealing fanon-Shampoo's schtick. Aiya.

4. Truth's Consequences by Julie Horwitz reviews

(Reposted) A Mummies Alive!/Xena: Warrior Princess crossover novel. My vision of how the series could have continued.
R - English - Drama - Chapters: 12 - Words: 103040 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 4-13-03 - Published: 4-13-03

Just because I shouldn't have thought that the LotR crossover was the dumbest idea I'd heard for this series, I suppose.

6. The Scarab Saga by Lacey reviews

Scarab first makes the decision to kill Rapses... though not for the reason most would expect. Chapter 4 added! Alliances are forged and the plot thickens!
R - English - General - Chapters: 4 - Words: 15817 - Reviews: 7 - Updated: 7-26-01 - Published: 1-8-01

That can't mean anything good. It's either a "lover scorned" thing, a "the bad guy is really the good guy" thing, or just a stupid thing.

Well, there you have it. A tiny, miniscule fandom that most have likely never even HEARD of, and yet it has such an amazing amount of suck packed into it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take up drinking and drug use. x.x

We are still alive.

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 20:09:39 GMT

If anyone's still around....(which I'd be surprised to learn)....we're still around. Now, there are a bunch of ~~lame-ass excuses~~ reasons for this long hiatus, most of which you can guess yourself.

"Real life"

"Oh, I am oh-so-busy with school/work, which is why I just wasted 17 hours reading porn online"

"Nonsense, I don't read badfic anymore"

Personally, the reason I haven't posted in forever is that although I still read badfic by the metric fuckton, it was all shitty in the same way. The point of this little hobby was not to make fun of all the badfics for being bad; that's like making fun of every stupid person you pass on the street! It'd never end! Although some fics I tackled for their sheer WTF-factor, because it would be amusing, I honestly tried to pick fics which had problems that a lot of other fics had, that I could talk about in general. A theme, if you will.

So eventually I hit a wall: "Well, I've covered terrible plotting, terrible characterization, Mary Sues, uber-feminization of male characters, thesaurus abuse, etc...what's left?"

But I finally thought of something! Now, to find one of the many characteristic fics and post something. Rebel Toy, I believe, is also pondering something. (Or at least she was this morning when we met for breakfast.)

So, don't hold your breath, but I'll figure something out. (Of course, if you have any suggestions to prod our lazy asses into action, feel free to comment.)

~ Leather Daddy

Where's the yoroi-ero?

Fri, 27 Aug 2004 01:34:14 GMT

Howdy all, Gunstar here. Yeah, we've been slacking too much, we know. I'm going to be working on getting out another review in the nearish future, so please look forward to it.

Today, we're giving you another fine effort from ficbitch follower Voidstar, for a title from one of the more popular fandoms as of late.

But first, special request from moi: I finished Tales of Symphonia a couple of weeks ago, and enjoyed it a lot. Of course, like any semi-popular RPG, it's bound to have tons of mediocre-to-gawdawful-terrible fic for it. I am tempted to see what's out there, yet at the same time I am wary to have to wade through mountains of wackyrandomfun crap and angsty character poetry to find the really horrible ones. So if you know of any abyssmally bad Symphonia fic for me to savage, give me a link. Conversely, if you know of any *good* ToS fic that is Regal-centric, point me right to it.

I'm expecting a ratio of about 100/1 for these requests.

OK, on with the show!

EDIT: Velvet Venus here to just let you know that we've changed our email, you can now reach us at healingcock (at) gmail (dot) com!

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST :: Best Birthday Present Ever
Guest-Reviewed by VoidStar

SCORING: PLOT: 1/5 (Poorly thought out post-series scenario)
CHARACTERIZATION: -1/5 (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SCAR/ROY, although it's mainly about weird OOC Ed and Al stuff)
WRITING: 1/5 ("We laid on the bed correctly"; plus, lots of random Japanese thrown in)
BENDING THE LAWS OF SPACE AND TIME FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES: 20/5
VoidStar here again. And I've brought more horrid slash! Aren't you all thrilled? Well, AREN'T YOU?

Aaaah, Fullmetal Alchemist. The Next Big Thing. The tale of the amazing Elric brothers, Edward and Alphonse, and their quest for the Philosopher's Stone. A fine, fine series indeed--one of the finest I've ever had the pleasure to encounter, really.

Too bad you really can't say the same for the fandom.

FMA has a big slash/yaoi fandom. This is not, at least in my opinion, what makes it problematic; I'm not opposed to these things in principle. (Quite the opposite.) The problem, as is so often the case, is the execution. These people just don't try.

Case in point: the story on the block today. It's an Al/Ed piece. Yes, they're slashing the brothers. Another disclaimer, and I swear I'll stop going off on tangents: this is not, in fact, what makes the story bad, in my opinion. If the incest slash thing squicks you, be forewarned that I won't really be offering any complaints about that aspect of the story in this review. Ed and Al are actually pretty slashable, if you ask me.

Right, so! Let's move on. Here's our setup:

It was my 17th birthday, it had been a week and a half since I had become human. Niisan is really a genius to figure out a way to turn me back, Scar-san helped being as he had half of the unfinished Philosopher's Stone in his arm. So in my honor I was having a party, it was in Scar-san's building, a few streets away from my and Niisan’s house.

So Al (who is our narrator in this sordid tale) has been restored to a body of flesh. For those of you not down with the FMA, Al is an empty suit of armor to which a human soul has been bound, his real body having been lost in a botched alchemical procedure. The driving goal of Ed, the older Elric brother, is to restore Al to a proper human form, and a lot of FMA fanfiction assumes that he is successful in this purpose. Which is all well and good, unless you're only making that assumption in order to make smut more convenient, which is (so far as I can tell) the only reason the author of this story does it.

Also, let's play a quick game of "count the things wrong with this paragraph!" First, there's that "niisan," sticking out from the English around it like a sore thumb, or perhaps an AIDS-induced sore on the body of a leper. I want to overlook it, I really do. I remember when I thought it was the coolest thing in the world to stick Japanese into the middle of English sentences. I've been there. But, perhaps, that's exactly why I lack sympathy. Long story short: ONE LANGUAGE AT A TIME, PLEASE.

Second of all...hahahahahahaha...Scar. Scar is living in Central. Freely, openly, and no one gives a damn. That's tremendous. That's also the reason I chose to give the story a negative score for characterization, even though Scar's presence is minimal--the very idea that Scar would want to do that, and that the military government that resides in Central would just let him...Jesus. To say nothing of the idea that Scar, fanatical adherent to a religion that denounces alchemy as evil, would willingly help Ed perform the procedure to restore Al to normal.

Third, Al's throwing a party in his own honor? What?

At any rate, it was nearly one o'clock and the party was dieing down. Havoc-san had already left, along with Riza-san, Winry, and her friend Paninyo.

So Al's on first-person terms with Hawkeye (Riza) now? Okay, overlookable, but...Paninyo? PANINYO?!Her name is PANIÑA, dammit. (Sorry. Moment of overreaction there, she's one of my favorite characters.)

Aaaanyway. The party's breaking up, people are going home, professional jackass Roy Mustang is acting really, really odd around Scar--another amazing innovation of characterization from this author; he hints at Scar/Roy, which is just about the most hilariously awful pairing you could possibly arrange in this series. I know some people like to say that "any pairing is possible if you do it right!" You know what? There's no way to do that pairing right. I'm declaring this firmly right now: there's no way anyone could ever convince me that Roy and Scar would ever want to touch each other. Unless Scar was planning on exploding Roy's skull, that is.

Anyway, Scar and Roy eventually stagger off together, leaving Ed and Al alone. Ed is inexplicably worried about Roy's safety. Well, it's not like he wouldn't have reason to be worried, given that Scar is a serial killer who targets National Alchemists (which is what Roy is!), but in the series, Ed's attitude towards Roy isn't the greatest. He probably wouldn't wish death on Roy, but he wouldn't be quite as concerned as the author wants us to believe that he is, either.

Ed and Al head back to their place (gee, I hope they locked up for Scar or something). The trip home somehow manages to be both brief and too long, packed tight with useless, inane detail:

It took about 10 minutes to get home, I opened the door and let us in. He walked over to the couch and sat down, soon after I walked over and sat down next to him.

This is really one of the great hallmarks of the author's style. There is no reason for us to know these things, but he (yes, you read that correctly--he) tells us about them anyway. The other hallmarks are a tendency to recycle vocabulary to excess, often within a single paragraph, and the old familiar plague of tense changes. These combine to create a potent three-hit combo of extremely dull, annoying writing. Indeed, if it weren't for the hilarity of the smut, this story would probably be too boring to read through completely.

Speaking of the smut, it's about time for the author to start moving in on all of that.

"Ne… Al, I didn’t give you anything for your birthday..." he glanced up at me. I blushed and answered, "No it's okay Niisan, you gave me back my body, that’s good enough for me!" I smiled down at him, noticing he blushed also.

Every time I see the word "Niisan" pop up in this story, my brain tries to tell me that Al is talking to a Japanese car.

Having seen what the title of the piece is, I'm sure you can all guess where this is going. But first, we need a little Al introspection on the progression of their relationship up to this point. Abandon hope, all ye who read the following paragraph.

I thought of something he could give me, but didn’t say anything. We had talked about it for a while, since I had been in that Armor, it was when he was 15 and he admitted that he loved me, more so than a brother. I also loved him that way, so I thought maybe I could help him get his sexual frustrations out, but he told me no. He felt so guilty about the fact I couldn’t feel it, because I had nothing for him to touch and couldn’t feel it the way he could. So we decided to hold out until I became human. I spent a week having to be tested to make sure Niisan did everything right, and so we'd been waiting. We wanted it to be special. Of course we had made out heavy-like, and even dirty-humped once, but nothing more.

Okay, I need to get something out of my system before I can continue.

Dirty-humped.

Dirty-humped.

DIRTY-HUMPED.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

Right, I'm better. Oh wait--

I leaned over and kissed him on the lips, he kissed me back, his mouth was half opened, causing me to run my tongue over his bottom lip. That made him shiver, I grinned, and moved back to look at him. "Ne, Niisan lets go lay down.." I said.

Scratch that. Although that paragraph doesn't have anything quite as mind-shattering as "dirty-humped," it does have Al being rather bizarrely adept at the minutiae of making out. See, this is why I think the author just put Al back in his human body for the sake of smut: he totally ignores any of the potential mental and physical consequences involved in the change. Al got attached to the armor at age 12, becoming a mind trapped in an unchanging metal body that more or less lacked a sense of touch. He reached the age where he would've normally been entering puberty while stuck in this body. Hell, according to the author, he went several years beyond that age while stuck in this body. So after five years of this, he's thrust back into a body of flesh and he's just fine? Shouldn't he be experiencing all those fun fun mental changes puberty brings about? (And all at once, too, instead of spread out over time--his brain should be boiling in its own hormones right now.) Wouldn't it take more than a week and a half to reacclimate himself to living in a real body, after five years of having an artificial one? This lack of concern for consequences, the inability or unwillingness to follow things to their logical conclusions--that, beyond any problems of style or even characterization, is what really sinks this fanfic in my eyes. The problems of style and characterization are just excessively thick icing on the poorly baked cake.

So now it's time for our taboo-breaking pair to go to bed. Highlight of the next paragraph:

I was touching his chest, as he touched mine, his left hand slipped under my shirt… rubbing the circle binding my
soul to my body, and I shivered.

Fortunately, this one isn't drawn in blood like the one Ed used to bind Al to the armor. If it had been, rubbing it like
that would've turned the story into snuff.

They say that everything an author chooses to include in a story, they include for a reason. Bad fanfic makes me doubt that adage sometimes, but rest assured, the author mentioned Al's alchemy circle for a very specific reason. Keep that in mind--you'll understand soon enough.

Making out commences, blah blah blah Al licking Ed's nipple blah blah blah "noticeable bulge" blah blah blah more of Al being too experienced than he possibly could be blah blah blah fishcakes. The author would like us to believe that things are getting hot and heavy, but they're not:

I crawled over him again and kissed his chest again… looking up and I kissed him again, his arms went around my shoulders and I felt his tongue enter my mouth, gasping I sucked on his tongue. He moved it in and out of my mouth...

See what I mean about the vocabulary repetition?

At this point, I can say one (1) good thing about this story: it doesn't get into the cheesy business of describing penis lengths in precise numbers. That never, ever goes over well, especially when it's done by smut writers who don't have sufficient experience to realize that twelve inches is absolutely freakishly big, for one thing, and for another thing would almost certainly be intensely uncomfortable for the other person, especially if we're talking anal sex here. That faint praise doesn't do much to outweigh everything else that's wrong with the story, though. As the sex scene progresses, the author descends into a maddening abyss of unintentionally hilarious writing and impossible positions from which the mind recoils in horror. At this point, nothing I can say will sufficiently convey the effect this story has on a reader. Only direct examples will suffice.

I pouted and whined a little, and then he kissed the tip, making me moan again. He grinned and sucked my tip, nearly making me cum right then and there, but I did all that was in my power to hold it back. I grinned and stuck my index finger into my mouth making it all wet and drool-covered. We were still breathing hard, I reach my hand over my brothers back and down in between his buttocks, grinning as I pressed that wet finger against his butt hole. He gasped and moaned, I had caught him off guard and he had to stop and look up at me, and god when he did that, I had never been so hard before.

EROTIC! Also, for this scene, the roles of Al and Ed will both be played by Martel the snake-woman.

His eyes were half closed, hair all in his face, drool running down his chin, cheeks flushed.

God, Ed, wipe your chin.

I pulled my fingers out, they were wet, don’t ask me how butts get wet inside, but they do.

I...shit, I got nothin'.

He moved and pushed me back on the bed, moving and straddled my hips… he leaned over me, grinning, I let him take it over. He put his hand behind himself, grabbing me and making me gasp, then moved it to the right angle… He was careful not to hurt me as he started panting harder, pressing his hips down and making me blush more, trying hard not to thrust into him. He moaned louder, "God… damnit Al… you're big." I blushed worse then replied, "Gomen... Niisan..." I stayed still until he got it all the way into him. He grinned, hair all over, putting his left hand around himself. I put my hands on his hips, and he held himself up with his automail hand.

Okay, okay. Let's get this straight: first of all, Ed just grabbed Al's penis and yanked it perpendicular like it was a joystick or something (lol joystick). Second of all, the position they're doing this in: facing each other, with Ed straddling Al's lap. Assuming that Al's erection is now pointing straight forward, instead of up...no, no, I drove myself close enough to crazy trying to figure this out the first time I read it. I leave the task of interpreting the geometry of this scene to you, my friends. Attempting to understand sex in this fanfic is something akin to trying to understand the supernatural in the world of H.P. Lovecraft--the only reward is madness and a horrible, shrieking death.

And it only gets worse.

I leaned my head back as I started half pulling my erection out, and then pushing it in, moving like this for a while. I had to let go of his hips to lean on my palms… and then I ran my tongue up his neck, he was leaning back in the bed as our love making went on.

Holy shit. Al has secretly been Orochimaru from Naruto all along!

Because, as the writer makes eminently clear, Al and Ed are both leaning way back from each other--and while they're both doing this, Al licks Ed's neck. That can only mean Al has the ability to stretch his tongue to a length of several feet, and else who could do that, while disguising himself completely as another person and acting all sleazy? That's right.

Let's not dwell on that too long, though, there's something coming up you'll want to spend even less time dwelling on, but which you have to. Remember when I told you to keep the circle in mind? Well, its moment in the sun will soon be at hand...

Ed and Al continue to fuck outside the bounds of the laws of physics for a while, until it's time or orgasms! And with orgasms come spooge!

He had his back arched, his left hand lightly squeezed himself as he let himself go right on my circle.

That's right, folks. This fanfic doesn't just have a money shot. It's got a money shot with a bull's eye. Ed must've spent a lot of time practicing to attain such accuracy.

Our trip through the horrifying far reaches of the Yaoi Cosmos is almost over, but before we return to safer shores, a little more inane detail:

Out of both of us he seemed to cum more, I cummed a lot myself, but he cummed more.

Again...why do we need to know this?

"Ne, that was nice, Al…" He said, smiling and squeezing me a little in his arms. I nodded, feeling very tired. "Hai, it was..." I answered, then grinned, "Ne, Niisan, that was the best birthday present ever…" I grinned more and kissed him on the lips and he blushed, grumbling a little. "Yah, I gave you my virginity…" Then he looked up at me, and kissed my chin, "Happy Birthday, Al, daisuki da yo." I grinned and kissed his cheek, "Hai, Daisuki mo!"

We have a title! And quite inaccurate Japanese!

And we close, beautifully, with the following.

We laid there, I had almost fallen asleep when I heard his voice again, "Oi Al, give me lots of head for my birthday…" I laughed a bit and nodded, "Okay Niisan, Okay..."

I think...I think I've got a tear in my eye. So touching! So...gross. They don't even take showers after splattering each other with their hot hot manjuices?

(Well, okay, there's them saying goodnight blah blah but that's the real ending, as far as I'm concerned.)

This is one of those smut pieces where the author's lack of sexual experience is very much on parade. Now, I'm not claiming to be a Living Kama Sutra here, but frankly, I don't need to be to point out how many mistakes this guy makes while writing sex. They're so obvious that I almost wonder how the author himself managed to miss them. I mean, the tongue thing. The tongue thing. Come on!

In conclusion, dirty-humping. Thanks for reading!

I am a zombie, back from the dead!

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 11:39:59 GMT

Note: Velvet Venus here, no special icon this time, since it seems our paid time has run out while we weren't paying attention. Whoops. Hopefully our layout won't disappear while we're wrangling over who is going to pay for the LJ this time. I will admit I feel slightly guilty that our first update this year is coming at the end of August. *cough* Let's ignore all of that though and move onto the fic!

HUNTER X HUNTER :: tear x doll x facing your FEAR
Reviewed by Velvet Venus with smart-ass commentary by Leather Daddy

SCORE
PLOT: 1/5 (Plausible premise gone completely wrong)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (HISOKA DOES NOT FEEL FEAR OR TENDERNESS)
WRITING: 2/5 (A bunch of typos, but the author could reasonably string sentences together.)
RAPE AND MURDER, IN EITHER ORDER: -10/5 (what you expect to see in a Hisoka fic, this is completely lacking)

I love Hunter x Hunter, it has a special place in my heart as one of my first shounen manga loves. Even if the art has regressed to bad line drawings in the more recent chapters of Jump, the story is something that I'll probably always like. Not to mention I know an ungodly amount of trivia about the series since I -well, it's enough to say that I do.

Today we'll be taking a look at one of the more common gems within the HxH fandom, some good old fashioned Hisoka/Gon, second only to Leorio/Kurapika. I won't lie, both of these pairings generally elicit a "WHY GOD, WHY?" type of response from me. That being said, I find Hisoka/Gon the more plausible of the two, given that Hisoka has stated openly several times that if given half the chance, he'd rape Gon three ways from Sunday. Not to mention a rather disturbing scene from the anime during the Hunter exam when it almost looks as if Hisoka is jacking off at the sight of terrified puddle of Gon. I'm pretty sure that Leather Daddy still hasn't forgiven me yet for showing her that. Heh, heh, heh.

[Leather Daddy] AUUUUUUUUGH, I REMEMBER THAT. GON WAS LITERALLY FLATTENED WITH FEAR OF LOSING HIS BEHYMEN

The story begins with Killua and Gon deciding to go to a carnival in York Shin City. That's certainly believable, they're both 12-year-old boys who devote a lot of effort to having fun.

[So in the midst of their games (their hard-earned money parted equally, Killua still being the efficient businessman among them) and cotton-candy (Gon liked their stickiness) and the rides, the two had fun.]

Okay, wait a second. Is this the same Killua who spent his $20 or so million winnings ALL ON CANDY the last time he was in the Celestial Tower? So then someone challenges Killua to some kind of shooting contest, which he of course wins. What's the prize? A giant stuffed clown. Killua isn't interested in the prize so he gives it to Gon, who seems to have an odd reaction to the gift. Gon wanders home, clutching the stuffed clown muttering, "It isn't time yet."

Foreshadowing? Sadly, yes.

-A bit of background information here for those of you who haven't seen Hunter X Hunter: Hisoka - one of the main "villains" - is a clown. He has bright red hair, painted white face, clown suit, and occasionally throws playing cards at people. Every time Gon and Killua see something clown related in the series after having met Hisoka, they both tend to get this vaguely horrified look on their face as if remembering something traumatic. Which is probably exactly what happens, seeing as Hisoka takes a SPECIAL interest in Gon's ~~ass~~ skills that causes his crotch to glow occasionally. No, really, I wish I were joking. Hisoka also tends to start moaning excitedly when talking to others about Gon, something that bothers the young lad immensely.

Also, during one fight, one of Hisoka's arms got cut off, his response was to CHEW on the end of his severed arm while laughing gleefully. He then offers up his other arm to be cut off before killing his opponent. Needless to say, Hisoka, homicidal darling that he is, isn't someone who you might define as "sane" or "nice." And any cuddling he might engage in is far more likely to be done with your liver than with you. -

The scene changes and suddenly Kurapika has fallen seriously ill. That wasn't random at all! Leorio is, of course, worried sick that his friend isn't getting better and studying his medical books even more than normal. Killua confesses to Senritsu that he's "worried about Gon," but doesn't explain. I don't even know who Senritsu is, but given that the series has in excess of 200 named characters, that's not really all that surprising. Not to mention there are no consistent romanizations of the names among the English fans.

Scene change again, Gon is happy! And he loves York Shin! It would be nice if there was a little more context or transition between scene beyond a ~*~ in the text.

[Stepping out of the pedestrian lane and into the sidewalk, he let himself grin as countless of people passed him. He was just an ordinary boy, playing with himself. This made him laugh out loud. ] [Emphasis is mine]

Gon! You naughty little boy, don't go doing bad things in public! You'll end up like Hisoka! Gon then goes on to feel slightly guilty for being so happy when Kurapika is still sick. He thinks about this for a bit and the author finally manages to put some context on the mysterious illness. It seems the story is set during the period when Kurapika fell ill after defeating Kuroro from the Genei Ryoudan [Spider Syndicate]. Which, unless you paid close attention to the some aught cryptic authors notes at the beginning of the story, you (like myself) probably missed. Explaining the basic premise of a story in the author's notes is all fine and dandy, but it's not an excuse to not explain the context within the story itself.

Gon's thoughts then invariably wander to the stuffed clown that's ~~waiting~~ sitting at home. Gon is apparently a bit afraid of the stuffed monstrosity and has tried to "lose" it several times, only to be thwarted by Killua and Leorio. Now, reality check: in the actual series, if Gon were to really start lugging around a giant stuffed clown with him, this would cause some serious concern among his friends about his mental well being. They would not say, "oh, how cute! Gon's got himself a stuffed friend!"

Gon once again starts thinking about he's "not ready" yet. How this relates to the stuffed clown, I'm too terrified to guess. Suddenly, Gon realizes he's not alone:

[Indeed, someone had found him, and he knew that ki well. Petrified and shaking, he stared into the darkness. Not yet! he wanted to cry out but the only words that came out were: "I'm here."
A silhouette came out then and a voice said amusedly, "Well. I never expected to see you here."]

Well, that's reasonable enough, Gon does frequently look as if he's about to piddle in his shorts whenever he runs into Hisoka.

There is another symbol that's supposed to indicate a scene chance, except the following part of the story is the same scene, so I'm guessing there is possibly some kind of time jump in the conversation? But that really doesn't make sense either. Perhaps it's a (not) scene change for dramatic effect?

[Hisoka] Well, well, well…what do we have here? >3
[Gon] uh…nothing! Nothing at all! *Attempts to hide behind a tree*

Gon finally gets some courage and tells Hisoka that they have "unfinished business."

[Hisoka spared him a smile. "I suppose you do." Then, as if to himself, he said softly, "My business is done, however. Yet I'm still here."]

Hisoka says he wants some new kinds of business while trying to rub his cheek against Gon. Gon pretends to not know what he's talking about, which just encourages Hisoka.

[Gon bit his lip. "S-stop," he hissed, trying to pull away.
Instantly, Hisoka was at his feet and away from him. The smile had faltered a little but he still looked amused. "Lovers shall part in the night," he announced quietly.]

Now, last time I checked, telling Hisoka to stop was about as effective as grabbing a giant metal pole to lower the changes of getting hit from lightening strikes. After inexplicably backing off, Hisoka lets it be known that he knows Kurapika is sick and that Gon can help cure him for the right price. Gon doesn't understand what Hisoka's implying and before he can figure it out, the clown leaves.

The dialogue in this scene overall seems to be attempting coy and suggestive, instead it ends up being really confusing without the context of what either one of the characters is really thinking. Gon's frequent references to "the right time" make no sense given that we have no idea what he's talking about.

Scene change again, Hisoka has decided to shred off his clothes and take a shower. This, of course, leads to thoughts of Gon (when doesn't it?).

[He couldn't understand. Very few, if any existed at all, gave Hisoka a reason to be apprehensive. It wasn't modesty, it was the truth.
But he could not imagine why seeing a little boy made him feel weak.]

Hisoka, my dear freak, that weakness you feel might have something to do with your glowing crotch.

[This thought angered him and he grabbed a towel to rub his body roughly.
Gon was not strong. His abilities were no match to Hisoka's. The older man should not guard himself all the time when with him. There was simply no need. Gon was weaker and, with all his good intentions, can never match up to his expectations.
Stepping out of the bathroom, he passed by a mirror and caught his face. He was scowling. With a growl, he thought about shattering it but thought better.
He could not believe that seeing a little boy reduced him to feeling an emotion he thought he had already forgotten.
Hisoka never did like feeling scared.]

Reality check again, Hisoka doesn't think that Gon is weak, nor is he afraid of the boy. Particularly since this story is set after the Celestial Tower story arc, where Hisoka and Gon had to fight each other. After their fight in the tower, Hisoka spends a fair amount of time ~~wanking~~ pontificating about how much stronger Gon has become and how he just CAN'T WAIT for Gon to mature so that he can reap the sweet, sweet rewards. He makes it very clear that the thought makes him VERY excited. Hence, the glowing crotch.

Scene change again, Gon goes back to the group's collective apartment to see Kurapika and feel guilty some more about his friend being sick. He goes to bed, only to realize that the stuffed clown is waiting for him in his room! This causes him to think about Hisoka again before falling asleep. If this story were remotely in character, that would probably have caused Gon to wake up screaming half way through the night. >D

Scene change, Hisoka is in bed and sends some kind of message on his mobile phone.

Scene change, Gon wakes up and attempts to explain his new knowledge about Kurapika's illness to Killua without mentioning that he got the information from everyone's homicidal clown. Killua of course spots Gon trying to lie within about 2.3 seconds, yet for some inexplicable reason, decides not to press Gon on the issue. During breakfast, Killua receives a text from his brother Illumi asking for Gon's number. Killua is utterly shocked (along with the rest of us) when Gon tells him to send Illumi his number.

- Okay, more background info, Illumi is Killua's older brother. They're both from a family of assassins, which makes for some pretty fucked up interpersonal relationships. During the final stage of the Hunter test Illumi does some things that cause Killua to go a bit berserk and kill another applicant. This causes Killua to get kicked out of the contest, something that does not sit well with Gon when he finds out. Gon promptly storms into the room where all the applicants are sitting (minus Killua) and breaks Illumi's arm for messing with his friend. To say that the Gon and Killua are not on the best of terms with Illumi is a bit of an understatement. Incidentally, it's right after this that Illumi goes over to talk to Hisoka and says he understands why the clown is so singularly obsessed with the young boy and wouldn't it be such a shame if he died before his time? Hisoka responds something very similar to, "BACK OFF BITCH, I SAW HIM FIRST." -

But all this is water under the bridge, apparently, and Killua sulks for a bit before sending his brother Gon's cell phone number. Why Illumi has to ask Killua for Gon's number is beyond me though, given that they have a 3rd brother, Miruki, who is a computer nerd renowned for his ability to find impossible information. So Hisoka eventually calls Gon. I swear to God, from the conversation written, I wouldn't be half surprised if Hisoka was wanking while making that phone call. They agree to meet again in the park and Gon suddenly realizes that since he's told no one about running into Hisoka, he'll have to backup on his jaunt to the park. Gon could easily tell Killua at this point to get some backup if he feared for his life (which he probably should, given that Hisoka is CRAZY), but that would impede the boysex, so you know it didn't happen.

So they meet after a scene change, Hisoka ~~threatens~~ flirts with Gon some more.

[He looked up just as Hisoka dropped down from the branch he was sitting on. His hair, defying gravity by reaching for the skies, looked like red flames flickering with the poor sunlight. Red flames, Gon remembered distractedly, were one of the most dangerous of all. ]

Wrong. Red flames are one of the coolest in temperature.

[Leather Daddy] You can easily pass your hand through a candle flame with no harm. Try doing that with a white blowtorch.

More flirting, Hisoka informs Gon that he knows of a cure for Kurapika's illness but that it comes at a price.

["I'm tired," the clown said harshly, "of thinking that the day will come when I'll lose to you."
Gon tried to protest, tried to say it wouldn't be for a long time but he couldn't. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead and trickled down his face and cheek. Hisoka noticed this and wiped them away with the back of his hand. "And I'm tired," he continued, "of knowing that I'm your prey as much as you are mine." ]

First of all, Hisoka doesn't think he's going to lose to Gon, ever. Hisoka is impatient for Gon to grow up so they can fight on more equal terms, yes. But think of it more like how a steak lover might watch a cow grow up all the while imagining which cut of beef he's going to have for dinner first. It's not so much fear or nervousness as it is thoughts of FRESH MEAT.

Gon (like the rest of us) has no idea what the hell Hisoka is talking about and is doubly shocked when Hisoka says he has a challenge for Gon as he attempts to stick his tongue down the young boy's throat.

[But Gon was cut short when Hisoka leaned forward to press his lips into his. In his surprise, he gasped and Hisoka's tongue lashed into his, battling with his own tongue. Gon's mind was of rejection, denying that this wasn't real, that the mouth pressed against his was an illusion, that the hardness that was pushing against his legs was not Hisoka but was something else, he just couldn't think of it now. His eyes widened and he stayed still, letting the older man's hands roam over his body, touching his chest and arms, sliding down to hold his immobile wrists. It was maddening and it made Gon hysterically think of a hungry panther stalking its prey.]

Okay, now THAT was in character. I can totally see Hisoka getting a woody and trying to hump a scared stiff Gon.

Gon finally gets control of his wits and tries to push himself away from the full frontal assault. Hisoka takes this as a rejection of his offer, which causes Gon to start screaming melodramatically and demanding to know, "WHY? WHY? WHY?"

Hisoka tells Gon that he doesn't want this, but he seems to need it. I bet Gon's not the first 12 year old that Hisoka's used that line on. Gon says he'll give him his answer tomorrow. Hisoka accepts this for some reason and leaves, allowing Gon to curl up on the ground and cry.

Scene change, Hisoka arrives home to find Illumi waiting for him. Shockingly, Illumi seems to be jealous of Hisoka's interest in Gon. He says he doesn't understand why Hisoka is pursuing such a boring young boy. Never mind that in the manga, Illumi has commiserated with Hisoka on how tasty Gon looks. Or that Hisoka told Illumi to back the hell off his boytoy.

[Velvet Venus] Arg! The two of them get into a bitch fight over GON!
[Leather Daddy] Someone has selective memory of canon. o_o;
[Leather Daddy] She remembers that they interact enough to write porn about, but evidently not the CONTENT of their interaction.
[Velvet Venus] Which is really kind of funny, in a way, since their interaction really does support Hisoka/Gon. Just not the way she's writing it.

Illumi suggests he should just kill Gon to get rid of Hisoka's distraction, which elicits a "BACK OFF, BITCH" response. Gon angsts back at home. Killua suspects that something is amiss. This is also where I gloss over a good 3 or 4 scenes of waffling on Gon's part because I'm getting tired of complaining about the idiocy in this story. Illumi worries, alone in his room, that Gon is going to hurt Killua.

[Leather Daddy] Okay, so Gon's like, "Kurapika needs medicine, must give in to Hisoka's twisted desires, I don't want to do this, no, of course not"

Gon arrives at Hisoka's place and suggests they get on with the show. Hisoka, instead, goes to take a shower. Just as Gon starts to look around, Hisoka reemerges from the shower.

["Are you sure about this?" the jester asked. His voice was strangely raspy.
Gon nodded firmly, not trusting himself to speak.
"Are you frightened?"
The younger Hunter hesitated before admitting quietly, "To death."
There was a pause until Hisoka's equally soft confession, "So am I." ]

[Leather Daddy] LIES, HISOKA.
[Leather Daddy] Me and Hisoka, we understand each other.
[Velvet Venus] Hisoka would be like "it's no fun if you give in, fight! RESIST ME! RUN, LITTLE BOY! >D~~"
[Leather Daddy] Yeah, he'd be like, ">D good!" if Gon said he was scared.
[Leather Daddy] And then he'd waggle his tongue at him.
[Leather Daddy] Now Hisoka is feeling bad because Gon is a virgin!
[Leather Daddy] He can't ~~make love to~~ ~~seduce~~ rape a virgin!
[Velvet Venus] That certainly didn't stop him from ~~humping Gon~~ jacking off during the Hunter test
[Leather Daddy] Gon insists that Hisoka call him by his first name while they're humping.
[Velvet Venus] This is particularly amusing given that Hisoka has never called Gon by anything other than his first name (except for maybe calling his FRESH MEAT) and that Gon's last name is Freaks.
[Leather Daddy] I'd hump Hisoka, but I'd insist on calling him a freak throughout XD

Gon doesn't seem to understand why the "area between his legs" is throbbing. Hisoka is in disbelief that Gon doesn't even know what sex is. But this doesn't stop Gon from wrapping his legs around the older man and rubbing against him like a cat in heat. At various points through the sex scene, the author reminds us that Gon is small, childlike and oh, HEY, only 12 years old! This is starting to remind me a lot of the Wish fanfic we reviewed sometime back.

[Leather Daddy] Oh god, the mental image I'm getting is kind of like a cabbage patch kid eagerly sexing Hisoka up.

[His small mouth enclosed around Hisoka's member and the man gave a loud moan as he watched the boy's ministrations. Vaguely, his hands entangled with Gon's black hair, now drenched with sweat. Into the heated cavern, he thrust up, pushing Gon's head down, not caring if he was gagging. GOD, this boy was everything he had dreamt of, he thought, not caring if he was babbling in his thoughts. No limitations, no reluctance...just pure innocence that he had lost oh so long ago.
He could not manage to fit his whole cock into Gon's throat, no matter how he tried. The boy knew this, though, and he found that Gon was stroking the base of his cock, kneading his balls with his unaccustomed fingers, inflaming him more. He gave a loud gasp, "GON!" and threw back his head, thrusting faster into the touch.]

[Leather Daddy] I swear, Hisoka, if you end up stabbing through the back of Gon's throat, you're going to be annoyed at yourself in the morning.

Hisoka gets so turned on by Gon's small, childlike mouth that he can't stop himself from ejaculating all over Gon's face and mouth. Gon, who until arriving at Hisoka's place appeared to be terrified of the clown, smiles happily that he was able to swallow most of it. Gon, from clueless virgin to cumslut in only 20 seconds! That's certainly an understandable character development.

[Leather Daddy] He seems really happy to have that lungful of spooge. Considering that he's a virgin and FUCKING TERRIFIED OF HISOKA and all.

Gon crawls onto Hisoka, they start making out again. Then Gon starts telling him about his stuffed clown. Maybe it's just me, but if someone started telling me about how they had a stuffed clown they associated with me while we were trying to have sex, I'd be a bit perturbed. Then again, this is Hisoka. This leads to a "tender" moment between the two of them where they decide not to run away from each other anymore. Now, tender is really not one of Hisoka's top qualities, unless it involves tenderizing some tasty fresh meat. Hisoka asks Gon if he trusts him while holding onto the boy's small genitals. Gon, the fool, replies with a "yes!" Me, I'd trust Hisoka to cut out my spleen or possibly kill me. I'd trust Hisoka to cause me severe disfigurement if I allowed his face, teeth or hands anywhere near my precious bits. But that's just me.

[Leather Daddy] I'd trust him to show me a good time, if my idea of "good" involved...well, you get the idea.

They finish having sex. I can't bring myself to talk about it at more length, given the prevalence of adjectives describing Gon's YOUNG, CHILDLIKE, and SMALL body. That and it's making me think of my poor, poor Cabbage-Patch dolls sitting in the attic. My life will never be the same.

[GOD, this boy was everything he had dreamt of, he thought, not caring if he was babbling in his thoughts. No limitations, no reluctance...just pure innocence that he had lost oh so long ago.]

[Leather Daddy] Innocence.
[Leather Daddy] That's a funny thing to bring up when Gon apparently saw Hisoka's dick and went after it like a robin after an earthworm.

After the sex they cuddle for a while, which I can really see Hisoka doing, given his penchant for death, mayhem and violence. Hisoka mentions the medicine for Kurapika, which Gon has apparently completely forgotten about in his sudden and overwhelming cocklust. Never mind that was his entire justification for sleeping with Hisoka in the first place. Gon suddenly doesn't want Hisoka to leave, since he fears it will be the doom of their budding relationships.

[His mouth was pressed against Gon's abdomen and his breath and voice made rumbling vibrations against the boy's skin. His hands absently stroked his thighs, disappearing through the shorts, long fingers almost brushing the hair hidden inside. "There's no reason to run away."]

[Leather Daddy] You expect me to believe that Gon has pubic hair after being dubbed Mr. tiny-hands-and-mouth?

They have sex several more times through the night, since Gon is no longer in any kind of rush to find a cure for his friend. Finally, they manage to stop fucking like rabbits and Hisoka kicks Gon out of the apartment with instructions for Kurapika's medicine. Shortly after Illumi shows up to find Hisoka basking his all his sticky glory on the bed. He tries to get some sloppy seconds and is shocked when Hisoka isn't interested.

[Irumi did not known, yet he laughed, flicked at Hisoka's wrist where his hand that held Irumi's hair was connected, and pulled away. He laughed and laughed, but Hisoka understood.
Never again, he thought grimly, satisfied.
Irumi, after all, was still afraid of his brother. ]

I would by lying if I said I understand exactly what happened during that scene with Illumi. Why exactly Illumi would be afraid of any of his brothers is not explained, nor is it really supported by the series. In fact, the opposite is generally true.

Back at home, Kurapika is feeling better and everyone but Leorio is happy. He wants to know where Gon got the medicine and asks if the illness was nen induced. He says something about someone "breaking the chain's law," but this really makes no sense at all if you know anything about Kurapika's nen skill. His skill has been explained at length in the manga and it's been stated the only way the chains could hurt Kurapika was if he broke the pact he made to acquire the skill (which was that he only use the skill on the people who killed his clan, the Genei Ryoudan). If someone else bound by his chains broke the rules, they would die. Kurapika is VERY clear about this when he explains this to Kuroro.

Gon won't tell Leorio who he got the medicine from, only that it was a good experience for him. Please, kill me. Later that night the story ends with Gon ~~molesting~~ ~~fondling~~ hugging his plush clown and drawing a tear on it's face to match Hisoka's.

I have to say, this story takes a vaguely plausible set up: Hisoka tries to coerce Gon into having sex by offering to save his friends. But then the author runs in the complete opposite direction of any kind of canon support. Somehow Gon has become a cock loving 12 year old and Hisoka has felt the luring touch of TRUE LOVE.

Legolas, before the Plastic Surgery and Hooker Shoes.

Fri, 05 Dec 2003 09:03:01 GMT

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<coming [...] oblivion!>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Okay, so the first part is not technically a review, but we do manage to make fun of several fandoms and fanfics! A piece of a conversation between several ficbitches tonight, wherein we come up with a new name for certian types of BNFs and try and foist off a gigantic review of 3 novel sized fics onto each other.

<lj-cut text="Get Backers, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, Oh My!">
[Rebel Toy] I object to {Get Backers} fanficcers named "NekoSchuldig" or "Heero Maxwell" or similar names
[Rebel Toy] >__>
[Leather Daddy] well, really, what do you expect, this gives them canonical yaoi to work with.
[Rebel Toy] silence
[Leather Daddy] just wait until the GB savage garden songfic start.
[Rebel Toy] STFU! I still have fondness for this fandom!
[Leather Daddy] I'll pat you on the shoulder when the songfics roll in XD
[Velvet Venus] it's just like the proliferation of authors named _____ Malfoy in the HP fandom
[Velvet Venus] I can think of at least 15 off the top of my head that are "big" name fans
[Dr. Sex Love] bighead name fans?
[Rebel Toy] hahahaha
[Leather Daddy] and the proliferation of Mary Sues named Rhysenn Malfoy, of the Singaporean Malfoys....
[Rebel Toy] I like that term
[Velvet Venus] XD
[Leather Daddy] ...hahahahaha! XDD
[Rebel Toy] I'm gonna start using it
[Leather Daddy] bighead name fans XD
[Rebel Toy] BHFs = Big Head Fans
[Leather Daddy] ...the Singaporean Malfoys. I have never gotten over that XD
[Velvet Venus] because, you know, the Malfoys seem like just the type to have a dark skinned branch of the family
[Leather Daddy] Where are the Ukranian and Cuban and Guatemalan Malfoys?
[Leather Daddy] Yeah, no fucking kidding, Velvet Venus XD
[Leather Daddy] they're like, "Our ability to glow in the dark is superior than the ability to avoid sunburns! >E"
[Velvet Venus] if the Malfoys have any non-white people in their family, it's probably only because Lucius got a little too friendly with the house help =p
[Leather Daddy] yeah, christ.
* Leather Daddy plays "Brown Sugar"
[Velvet Venus] I know people who have similar social mentalities to the Malfoys (although not the ethics) and they'd sooner eat ground glass than let someone in the family marry some fob. I mean, it's not very nice, but that's the reality of it.
[Leather Daddy] ...but the house help are house elves XD
[Velvet Venus] XDDDDDDDD
[Leather Daddy] omg, my new OTP. lucius/winky.
[Leather Daddy] holy fuck, a house elf with long blonde hair.
[Gilded Fantasy] BUH?
[Velvet Venus] maybe THAT's the real reason Dobby got thrown out of the house
[Leather Daddy] it'd be legolas! before all his plastic surgery! XD
[Velvet Venus] LD, I imagine it would end up looking like one of those tribal shrunken heads that still has all its hair attached
[Leather Daddy] ....XD
[Leather Daddy] like I said, legolas before all the surgery!
[Velvet Venus] legolas before the growth spurt? XD
[Leather Daddy] it's all platform shoes.
[Leather Daddy] platform shoes and plastic surgery.
[Leather Daddy] he could have been brian slade.
[Velvet Venus] I wonder if the hobbits make fun of him for being short XD
[Velvet Venus] and wearing heels
[Leather Daddy] but he saw an SCA get-together on his way to the plastic surgeon, and, well...
[Velvet Venus] [Pippin] so...got any fishnet tights to go with those shoes? Eh, Greenleaf?
[Velvet Venus] we should ficbitch that damn trilogy just so we can include this conversation XD
[Leather Daddy] I'm not doing it!
[Velvet Venus] yes you are! You agreed!
[Leather Daddy] no, I said I'd skim it and give sections to you and Midnight Mutation.
[Leather Daddy] which I did, and none of y'all did it!
[Leather Daddy] we should just post the conversation.
[Leather Daddy] enough people have read those OMG SOOOOO GOOD fics to get what we're talking about.
[Leather Daddy] and hey, it's kind of funny.

</lj-cut>
---------------------------------------------

<center><a href="http://svamcentral.org/svam/mstings/Neo-Armageddon-EVA.txt">Neo Armageddon Evangelist</a>
(Note: link leads to MSTed version. Original seems to be unlocatable.)

Guest Reviewed by: Otaku Keith</center>

SCORE
PLOT: -10/5 (Total made-up bollocks, sex, death, repeat ad nauseam in a literal sense)
CHARACTERISATION: 0/5 (Hardly anyone stays alive long enough to *have* a character, and those who do are OOC. The original character is a Sue.)
WRITING: 2/5 (Not on the level of the great spelling/grammar-munchers, but she uses her powers only for evil...)
TOTAL AND COMPLETE CANON-RAPE (IN A LITERAL SENSE): 7/5

<lj-cut text="OMGWTF">
First off, let me say that I am no stranger to bad, stupid, weird and downright disturbing Evangelion fanfiction. I have the complete works of Issei Mataloun on file. I sat through all 13 (MSTed) chapters of Tom Dyron's horrifying Neon Genesis Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion with only a bit of teeth-clenching and snarling to show for it. I shook my head at the original and revised editions of Fate of the Children (or, An American Lesbian In Tokyo-3 as it should probably be called). I ploughed beyond the MSTings of the early chapters into the undiluted parts of Neon Exodus Evangelion (featuring DJ Croft, son of Lara Croft and Fox Mulder and smuggest Marty Stu this side of Star Trek: The Next Generation) and even enjoyed it in places. (Note: all the above can be found at <a href="http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Realm/2628/elmer.htm">Elmer Studios</a>, a superb MSTing site.) I even braved the horror that is the Tank Cop Asuka/Rei spanking lemon and the accompanying ficlet where the Evas themselves have sex. But this fic, gentle readers, this fic actually managed to shake me to the core. There are several early warning signs that something truly special is in store: 1) The author, Sara Anne Grantham, describes herself as an "evil bisexual redhead of black leather and kinky penmanship". This sort of "look at me and how naughty I am!" crap is never a good omen. 2) She tells us that the fic "was a product of watching Natural Born Killers, The Doom Generation, and The Matrix waaaaay too much." 3) Apparently it's also "possibly the most psychotic and evil things you'll ever read". She's actually *trying* to turn our minds into strawberry custard. Urk. 4) She complains about how many Eva fanfics are "TOO FUCKING LONG!!!" and you have to read "a lot of boring prose to get to the story". Oh goody, it's an advocate of the pull-stuff-out-of-thin-air-as-and-when-you-feel-like-it school of plot development. Oh, and she also thanks her neurotic Jewish friend for giving her the idea. Woody Allen has new crimes to answer for. The fic starts out inauspiciously, with Gendo musing about how he will use the power of Lilith to make himself a God ahead of SEELE. Welp, there goes Gendo's ACTUAL motivation of getting his wife back. He and Kaoru, who for some reason is happily helping Gendo with this instead of, say, jumping him and merging with the Adam embryo in his palm (which, as we know, is what the Angels desperately WANT to do), perform a ritual on Lilith which produces a girl named Sublime, who apparently is a "creature, not quite human, but not angel in the slightest sense". Ooh, how <strike>random</strike> SPESHUL! We now cut to a hospital room where Asuka is lying comatose (oh well, the author got something right). A man in a bowler hat promptly waltzes in pretending to be her dad (no, really, it actually does say he "seemed to waltz"). He proceeds to molest her, then pull a gun - which is "embedded with a profiencent silencer", whatever that means - and blow off her head. Lucky her, she'll miss the rest of the fic. He then steals her eyeballs for no apparent reason and leaves. The author briefly informs us that it turns out Asuka was actually conscious just before he shot her (not sure how on earth the autopsy's supposed to reveal that), in an attempt to increase the brain-raping horror of the scene. Next, up, Rei is "lying on her dead, naked, but not in a coma". Well, gee, thanks for that, your Kinkiness. The author makes reference to Rei's dreams telling her she's all but dead (even though Rei DOESN'T dream). Our friendly neighbourhood perverted assassin (now revealed to have the odd name of Washington Blasmov and work for SEELE) enters. After witnessing him wrap his body round his trenchcoat (?!?), Rei makes the following pronouncement: "The dreams say you are the one to kill you." Rei said calmly. She then agrees to have painful sex (which she enjoys, of course) with him in return for a quick death. Another canon character makes a grateful exit. I imagine a lot of readers would probably settle for a bullet through the head by this point as well. After this senseless interlude, we return to <strike>Mary Sue</strike> Sublime: <coming> <coming out="OUT"> <coming out="OUT" of="OF" oblivion!="OBLIVION!"> The girl shrieked as her body convulsed spasmodically. She was strapped down to a bed by leather straps, her body draped in black robes which could have passed for a Reaper's, if not for the face that it was without a hood and fit more snugly on her rather volumptuous* body. Her white hair, white face, red eyes... They were the features of an angel**. Also, she knew of the oncoming hellstorm. She knew of the THIRD IMPACT which threatened mankind. She knew of it, and had to stop it before it was too late. *Interesting, most self-insertions are merely voluptuous. **Even though she definitely isn't one. Eheh. Nice and convenient that the Sue is all nicely clued-in on the plot, innit? Who needs pesky exposition and character development?! Sublime duly breaks free with ease using her INCREDIBUL POWERZ (which prove to include superhuman strength, the ability to release "energy bombs", and teleportation). In the meantime, I'm sure you're all wondering what everyone's favourite depraved killer is up to, no? Don't worry! The action now shifts back to him kicking down the door of Misato's apartment, where she and Shinji are watching TV, with ease, even though it's a sliding metal one - apparently Washington has supernatural strength too. "What do you want?!" cried Misato as he held them at gunpoint. She was currently wearing a really short tank-top and equally short shorts which exposed a small portion of her hidden passion*. *If that's what I think it is, Her Kinky Redheadedness wins an award for Stupidest Body Part Euphemism. What on EARTH could be going to happen next, I wonder? Well, you'll just have to wait, because now we jump to Sublime breaking into Chairman Keel's office (apparently her Author-Insertion Omniscience includes the location of said office) and defeating his guards with ease. Instead of killing him quickly, she launches into an exposition scene. I knew she was evil. "Both you and Nerv are vieing for the evoltion of man. God does not approve of your actions, your INTERVENTIONS of society and divinity. So I was called upon to take your wormy asses out. You see, Nerv originally created me in hopes of using me as a secret weapon, one which could make Gendo Ikari a God by bringing about the death of the natural and true one. But, ahh.... things don't work out that way. A child of Lilith will always be a child of Lilith, no matter what others tell you. So... I refuse to use my powers for Gendo. A shame, too, since some of his ideals aren't too dodgey. I must also preserve the lives of the children, who shall merge with Lilith in a divine circle which will open heaven for all, allowing mankind to be judged as one." Dayam. I think only Tom Dyron tops this for mangling of Eva's underlying themes. Keel, being a fellow Evil Overlord, responds with a speech of his own before pulling a weapon: "Ha, ha! It's too late. I've already ordered the extermination of Nerv! Our best man...Washintgton... That sick motherfucker.... He's out killing all of the children now. Your plan has failed!" Keel now tries to shoot Sublime (good man), who bounces the bullets back at him (?!?) using a VIOLET AT Field (she's SPESHUL, so she gets a violet one instead of an orange one like all the Angels and Evas) and leaves him dying. Meanwhile, to no-one's great surprise, Washington is forcing Misato and Shinji to have sex for him while he masturbates. Guess what he does next. WRONG! He actually shoots Misato between her breasts, shattering her chest (?!), and Shinji in the throat! And here we were thinking this guy was a one-note character! However, in order not to appear inconsistent, he shoots Shinji in the head as well. This author's attention to detail truly knows no bounds. Sublime now walks in (having waited for Washington to get rid of the pesky canon characters, of course) and a nicely incoherent FIGHT SCENE ensues. They both wing each other and Washington gets away, while, in a SHOCKING PLOT TWIST OMGLOLBBQ11!1!!1!!!, Kaoru appears behind Sublime. Elsewhere, Gendo is sitting at his desk gloating about how everything is going according to his plan and talking to Washington on the phone. OMGWTF/?//?/! Sublime and Kaoru, meanwhile, are getting to know one another: "Please, you must listen. You were wrought from my blood. You are my love..." Her eyes widened. "Excuse me? So... I am a part of you?" "Yes, my love." "Then you ARE my destined one." She said this as she cupped Kaworu's cheeks in her hands and kissed him passionately on the lips, as she pressed her firm body on his, holding him tightly. He returned the kiss and held her just as urgently. They shared their passion for a brief moment before they returned to their former, serious selves and continued the discussion of the situation. No-one here objects to a little borderline incest, right? No? Good. Apparently Kaoru actually wants to stop Gendo's EVIL PLAN, and Sublime is going to help him. While this <strike>nausea-inducing</strike> tender conversation is going on, Washington has reached NERV and is going after Fuyutsuuki, who (GASP!) is his LONG-LOST BROTHER! He forces lil' bro to put on a pretty pink dress and allow Washington to have anal sex with him (again; apparently this has happened before). URK. Sublime and Kaoru walk in on this act of sibling bonding and Washington shows commendable multi-tasking ability, pulling a gun while still doing Fuyutsuuki up the back door. He proceeds to shoot the poor Sub-Commander while finishing his business, and for some reason Sublime just stands there and lets him. Then they have another stupid acrobatic fight and she finally finishes him off with a good old-fashioned bullet to the head while Kaoru apparently stands back eating popcorn, even though he is an Angel with the strongest ever AT field. Can't interrupt the author avatar's fun! Sublime then breaks down from all the killing and death (aw, diddums) and Kaoru compassionately and manfully carries her to a bathroom and comforts her. The good ol' clichÃ© asserts itself and this turns into foreplay. Yawn. At the same time, in Terminal Dogma (presumably), Gendo is taking the fic to new levels of insanity. This section needs to be seen in its full horror to be believed: She took his hand into hers and manuervered it onto her body, letting the free palm caress her neck, face, and breast. Kaworu ignored the running water and came to her, grasping her with all of his strength, kissing her, running his hands over her body, allowing her to do likewise. It was a flicker of motion, each aiding the other to remove their clothes, each playing the master or servant. "We must merge." Kaworu claimed. "The time has come." Gendo said as he pawed at the form of Lilith. He had released the beast, letting her caress him as she pleased. She was fucking him without fucking him - her cumbersome body merging with his. He was becoming God now, and the fate of all the worlds in all the galaxies would soon be his. Destiny was his to control. "To merge would bring the death of our mother. We must do it." Sublime said, smiling slightly. And they did. Kaworu was quick to thrust himself into Sublime's succulent virginity. They were giving themselves to each other for the first time, each acting as a guide for the other. When they came, it was fire, wind, and all of the elements rush toward them in a single tital wave. Gendo had lost. The merging of Lilith and Gendo ceased, without warning. They were apart of the same creature, yes, but Lilith was not an empty husk of death. The smell of rot and decay corroded Gendo's senses, filling his nostrils with the brimming puke smell of death. He shuddered convulsively as he shouted to the heavens, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" It was only a matter of moments, before he died along with his beloved Lilith. Both of them no longer the creatures they once were, now mere shells of their former selves. The two lovers, enwrapped naked in each other's arms, lie on the floor of the desolate bathroom. Their breathe was solid relief, and all of their worries were now over. The Battle to regain evolution was over, and gendo Ikari had lost. Mankind would remain as the simians they were - for better or worse. All was won. "It is time to go, my darling." "Yes." Before Sublime's earthbound self died along with Tabris to retreat to the holy divinity above, she recollected a quote from Roger Browning. It claimed "God's in his Heaven. All's right with the world." Truer words had never been spoken. The End. In between retching uncontrollably, I'd like to pose several "What the hell?" questions. First of all, what purpose did all that sex and violence serve, particularly the murder of Fuyutsuuki, who wasn't even a Child or bystander? Gendo having SEX with Lilith (who is the size of an Eva, you'll recall)?! Sublime and Kaoru getting it on just HAPPENS to kill Lilith? Why? And if the plan to use all the Children to have mankind judged equally failed, how come all's well? I guess Sublime and Kaoru's <strike>icky incestuous lust</strike> pure fated love conquers all. Come back, Issei Mataloun. Come back, Tom Dyron, Lisa Foster, DJ Croft. All is forgiven. (Well, actually, it's not really, but you might believe me after reading this fic, and then you can all be killed when you come for forgiveness.)

Yes, we're still alive.

Wed, 03 Dec 2003 22:41:53 GMT

FIND THE BADFIC!

No, we haven't vanished off the face of the earth - we're still here, we just have lives outside of fanfiction, and (obviously) this is a hectic time period for everyone.

But! We have a mission for you, o loyal ficbitch followers! You see, a long long time ago, there existed a King of Fighters fic so special that we giggled about it for hours on end, and still laugh about it today. Alas, in FF.net's Great Pr0n Purge, we fear it may have been lost... forever. That's where you folks come in: We need your help finding this little nugget of... uh, joy?

*GH* I should have picked up Chris x Yashiro doujin for one of you
*RT* XDDDDDDDDDD
*RT* you, you should have XD
*PF* no chris x yashiro doujin will ever beat that fanfic
*RT* ah, well
*PF* where yashiro gave chris aids and shermie killed yashiro with a plate while he had her locked in solitary confinement
*LD* ...xd
*RT* oh, the one where shermie killed the HIV-positive rapist fucktard yashiro with a dinner plate?
*RT* XD
*PF* yeah, that one XD
*RT* HAHAHAHAHA I KNEW IT
*GH* Do you guys still have the URL for that?
*LD* XDDDD
*PF* i think it was on fanfic.net
*PF* so maybe
*PF* i dunno if it was rated NC-17 or not
*LD* so many gems were lost with the Great Porn Purge.
*PF* what I remember of it was that Chris got AIDS from yashiro, who raped him repeatedly, and Shermie tried to protect Chris, so Yashiro locked her in a room
*PF* and when he gave her food on a plate, she broke the plate, cut his throat, and then killed herself
*PF* in the sequel, Chris escapes, becomes an angsty nightclub musician, and meets some Marty Stu named Adam
*PF* (i think it was Adam)
*RT* XDDDDDDDDDDD
*Bystander* wtf is this PF?
*PF* and they have these vaguely homosexual moments
*Bystander* ...
*PF* where Adam sits around all, like, translucently
*PF* and Chris angsts
*PF* and that's all I remember.

There you have it. Anyone have any leads?

Oh, and we're trying to figure out what happened to the layout. We'll sic our resident HTML mistress on this one right away.

Hot diggity dog! Another guest review!

Wed, 08 Oct 2003 01:32:01 GMT

Hi again, readers. While there's much amusement going on in some of the entries below this one, we have come to the realization that we haven't done much in the way of actual FIC reviews recently. Fortunately, a kind soul named Zarla just sent us a guest review. This fic might not damage your brain, but it probably will induce vomiting.

Harry Potter :: Hermione's New Self

Reviewed by: Zarla

SCORE
PLOT: 1/5 (Hogwarts 90210)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (Tart!Hermione, Playboy!Draco, EVIL!Harry...)
WRITING: 2/5 (It's not TOO hideous, although she does misspell Gryffindor...)
GETTING DRUNK AND BEING A SLUT LEADING TO MARRIAGE AND ETERNAL LOVE: 7/5

Let it be known first that I enjoy Harry Potter greatly. I've read the books at least once and seen the movies. However, I'm not a huge bookhumping Harry Potter fanatic, so there are minor canonical points that I may glance over or forget. However, I believe this fic would, whether or not you had any knowledge of Harry Potter, be just as hideous.
For the life of me, I will never understand this fascination with giving characters superficial makeovers. It's been done to death in teen movie after teen movie without any kind of new twist. Maybe someone gets pregnant. Maybe someone commits suicide. It's all the same. Hermione has always seemed to me to be a well-adjusted girl who enjoys her intelligence. She's a nerd and she's proud of it, and good for her! That's why I like Hermione so much. She knows what's important. But apparently, nerd!Hermione is boring AND NEEDS A MAKEOVER!

Hermione looked at herself in the mirror; she had lost weight over the summer. Her fashion sense had changed and she had started to wear figure-hugging tops and hipsters, short skirts and knee high boots. She had even managed to tame her hair into big, full ringlets. She was even wearing make up

I don't recall Hermione ever being mentioned as chubby. I weep for my generation's obsession with thinness. But WHY is Hermione suddenly a tart and also suddenly "overweight?" Why, we have your answer right here...

It was all due to her new friend. [...] Her name was Naomi, and she had given Hermione a make over. A smile crept onto her slightly glossed lips when she thought of Harry and Ron's expressions when they met up on the train the next day.

Enter Sue number Two. I'm afraid Hermione, throughout this fic, was the first victim. No longer recognizable, Tart!Hermione has burrowed into Canon!Hermione's body, eaten her brain, and now wanders around acting like her, but hiding something so much more insidious. Much like in Eternal Darkness, only with less crazy.

"Oh, 'Mione, I'm gonna miss you SO much when you leave." Hermione smiled at her friend's affections, and assured her she would be home next summer. "But it won't be the same, 'Mione, I'll write to you everyday." Hermione smiled at this, she had managed to teach her friend about Owl Post, telling her she found it a great way of sending post to her friends quickly.

Hermione doesn't need a nickname. I wonder how she taught her friend about Owl Post without mentioning wizards. I imagine that would have been awkward. Oh, don't forget, this author loves twists and surprises, so don't forget about Naomi! She'll be important later (but I didn't say that!) At any rate, Tart!Hermione parades around in some red hipsters and a black strappy top as she makes her way to the station. Ron and Harry are struck dumb and Draco and Hermione pre-flirt by smiling coyly at each other and trading smirky insults, which is such a SUBTLE clue as to how their relationship will progress. It is too late for Draco as well. The Stu-Bonethief has climbed into his body as well, transforming our familiar Snobbybrat!Draco into...dun dun dun...PLAYBOY!DRACO. A good example would be the fact that Draco allows Hermione to insult him and somehow make all the wax from his hair came loose and pour[...] down his face, leaving his hair messed up. (Draco waxes his hair now. He gets great mileage!) Draco's response?

He smirked and flicked his wand until his hair was back into perfect position. "I'll see you later, Granger." With that he swaggered out, his lackeys following behind.

As you can see, the bonethieves have all but taken over. Hogwart's must stink of vanilla. Hermione wanders around her room and sends another letter to Naomi (Don't forget her SHE'S IMPORTANT) and goes for a nightly walk.

She walked over to the lake, and followed it along to a garden she had never seen before. [..] There was a party of slytherins playing loud music and drinking beer. She assumed that they had cast a soundproofing spell on the perimeter to avoid the wrath of the teachers, and, obviously, gatecrashers. The benches were covered in slytherin couples making out and, sitting on the fountain right in the middle, was Draco Malfoy.

How can Hermione hear them with a soundproof spell?
Soshi: I wouldn't want to see ANY Slytherins making out. They've NEVER been described as pretty. What is it, Goyle making out with female Goyle? Tons of toads copulating on the front lawn?

"Well, what do we have here, a Gryfindor gatecrasher. Come in and join the party, Granger." He took her hand and led her over to the fountain. At this Pansy huffed very loudly and went off with the guy trying to get her attention. Draco watched her go with amusement, then turned to Hermione. "Join the party, Granger." He handed her a beer, and she looked scandalised. But his cruel look of amusement stirred up her pride, and she took the drink and drank it. "Good Girl." He smiled and took her hand.

Hermione's a real lightweight apparently and blacks out the rest of the night, except remembering someone dancing with her and smelling of sweet aftershave. Yes, aftershave. It's what 'o clock at night and Draco smells of aftershave? Oops, she danced with Draco. Did I ruin that STUNNING PLOT TWIST? Shame on me. She also sleeps through two classes. Hermione missing classes and not caring, to me, seems the equivalent of Snape running by in a pink tutu shrieking his undying love for Mr. Weasely. Hermione makes up the brilliant excuse of "studying in the library" but her friends are onto her, mainly because she reeks. She tarts herself up again as if nothing happened and walks around, wondering why she can't remember anything omg. Playboy!Malfoy hits on her later, reminding her that they did indeed do a SCANDALOUS SLOW DANCE :O and that alcohol wipes your brain of all conscious thought. He leans in reeeeeal close, and Hermione is paralyzed by his aftershave aroma. Try and picture that without giggling terribly.

Draco says they're having another party. Hermione goes with the classic uke defense of "I won't go. No. But....yes!" and goes anyway. Thank you, teen movie!
Draco had been waiting for her, and he did look hot, she had to admit, in his baggy jeans and tight black top.

Draco's a gangsta, yo.

He handed her a bottle filled with a clear liquid. The label read 'Smirnoff Black Ice." She looked at him quizzically and he shrugged and drank some of his beer. "I thought you might like it." She sniffed it and it smelt pleasant enough, so she started to drink it.

As my friend Xel said, what is it about Smirnoff Black Ice that makes it the drink of choice for slutty teen authors everywhere? It's depressingly common.
Soshi: I'd like to make the comment that there is NO ALCOHOL ON THIS EARTH that smells good.
I find it shocking that Draco of all people is drinking this. You'd think he'd have some snooty pureblood hooch like "McAlliwhatsis's Memoryraping Old Tyme Sauce" or something like that. Hermione sure is trusting of old bratty, narcissistic, mudblood-hating, snobby, Gryffindor-hating Malfoy now. I'M SURE THIS WON'T COME BACK TO HAUNT HER LATER :O Anyway, they scandalously slow dance again, Hermione blacks out and covers it up the next day, and Draco again informs her that there's another party the next night. The Slytherins officially have way too much time. Ron and Harry disapprove, but Tart!Hermione cares not for her normal non-slut friends. Hermione asks why Draco is doing this. Why, to get into your pants my dear. Even Draco tells her that he "thought that obvious." Hermione agonizes about her budding relationship with Draco that she can barely remember, but goes to the party anyway.

As usual, Draco was waiting for her, and when she arrived, he gave her a yet again new drink. This one was green and it said on the label 'Bicardi Breezer'. She it tentatively, Draco smiled and said, "You're favourite flavour." It smelt of lime, which was her favourite. She had no time to ask him how he knew that because he suddenly drew her into his arms and started kissing her neck.

More incredibly common drinks and another side-comment from Soshi that there's no way a lime flavored alcoholic drink would SMELL OF LIME. Pansy throws a fit because OMG SHE AND DRACO WERE GOING OUT! but Draco breaks the terrible news to her. He never loved her! He wants a girl with BRAINS now! Hermione has a rush of slut and hugs Draco to show Pansy that she is indeed intelligent and can hug someone from behind without falling over. Considering how "wasted" she is at this point, that is something of an accomplishment. So after Pansy storms off, Draco and Hermione make out against a wall. Hermione has some more pseudo-angst about their relationship but gets over it because Draco's hot. Draco flies away with her to HIS OWN PERSONAL CASTLE. I'm not joking.

"My parents bought this castle for me so that I had somewhere to go if I wanted to get out of that school for a while." He smiled to himself at her wide-eyed awe of such a big residence, and took her hand, leading her inside. "This is my bedroom." He chose not to notice Hermione flush red at his double king size four poster bed. [...] There was a breathtaking view of the hundred acre immaculate garden.

I mean...jesus. My brain exploded. Also, Draco has house elves. Canon!Hermione struggles to break the hold of her OOC-Bonethief and mentions she disapproves of House Elves. However, Draco calms her by saying, "The house elves here have the run of the place usually. All they have to do is make the food and drink I desire when I come. An easy life." Somehow, this makes Hermione happy. It is too late for canon now. Far too late.

Anyway, they drink chocolate, make out, Hermione's boob gets touched, and they go back to the party. Hermione blacks out (as usual) and wakes up to Ron. Ron states he's very worried about Hermione drinking herself stupid and cares about her. A lot actually. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU? Oh wait, never mind. I saw this movie on Lifetime once. Twice. FIFTY BILLION TIMES. Hermione regrets becoming a tart for two seconds and gets over it. She tells Draco about Ron and then they make out some more while no one is watching. But oh my god oh my GOD you're not going to BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

The noise died down as Dumbledore rose. When there was complete silence, he spoke. "Today we welcome a new student, who will be joining us in the fifth year." He waited patiently as the excited whisper rose then died down again. "Please welcome, Naomi Herdler." Hermione almost choked on the piece of toast she was eating. She scarcely could believe her eyes as her new friend walked up to Dumbledore, who sat her down and placed the sorting hat on her head. After a minute or so, the sorting hat shouted "Slytherin!" and Naomi took her place on the slytherin table. Hermione sighed, four days into the school year and she was already in a total mess. Welcome to being a sixteen-year-old.

Because god, getting drunk at night and having relationship troubles is so much worse then, say, being attacked by VOLDEMORT OR SOMETHING. Ron and Harry again state that they disapprove of Hermione's new stupid lifestyle, and Hermione walks off because SHE CAN'T FACE HER FEELINGS OMG. Draco shows up with Naomi attached to his arm. Hermione angsts. These oh-so-clever plot-twists are making me nauseous. Ugh. Draco shows up, they have a heart-felt talk in the park where Draco reveals he wants an intelligent woman who will challenge him and ~~get drunk and let him feel her up~~ laugh at his jokes. I'm sorry, but I can't imagine Draco EVER wanting a girlfriend that was his equal. He's far too obsessed with himself. Simpering sycophants are all I can ever see him having a lasting relationship with. That and his bodyguards. But somehow, Hermione buys this tripe.

Anyway, Naomi shows up at the Gryffindor Tower and drags Hermione off to the Slytherin common room. Tee hee, what rogues! Spin-the-Bottle is played and somehow transforms into Truth-or-Dare (some new variation?) and Draco is dared to kiss Hermione. They dry-hump and kiss and it's oh-so-magical. My jaw hurts from all this yawning I'm doing. Here's where it begins to get somewhat creepy. Hermione goes to YET ANOTHER party, gets drunk, remembers nothing. Fairly typical considering this fic's record. But lo! Where does she wake up?

Hermione woke to a huge headache. She squinted up to the canopy of her bed and immediately realised something was seriously wrong. The problem was that it wasn't, it wasn't the canopy of her bed. She looked about her, the bed was the wrong size, it was the largest bed she'd ever seen. Also, there was someone lying next to her, their arm around her waist and their hot breath tickling the back of her neck. She sat up immediately. She was in the huge bed at Draco's castle, and so was Draco. Memories of the night before came back to her, and she stared at Draco with horror of their actions.

Date-rape!Draco.

Oh, Draco always carries condoms with him too. Because god knows he has SO MUCH SEX with ~~Harry~~ ~~Snape~~ ~~HISOWNFATHER~~ ~~Ron~~ ~~Ginny~~ ~~DUMBLEDORE~~ OTHER PEOPLE. But this can only get so much worse.

"No one has to know anything! Draco, we've been gone the whole night, someone's going to suspect us. Also, that was, sort of my first, you know, time." She plucked the covers awkwardly, avoiding his stare. But he simply leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mine too." She stared at him surprised, it was all over the school that him and Pansy were always going at it- "I may have been a jerk to her, but I would never of-" he broke into her thoughts, trying to find the words. "I just always thought sex should only be between two people who are really in love." He stared at her intently, and ran his fingers through her hair. She lay on her side, running her index finger over his muscled chest. "Who would have thought it, Draco Malfoy, an old romantic." She said teasingly. His eyes grew malicious and teasing. "Who would have thought it, Hermione Granger, a whore." She hit him and he retaliated by sealing his mouth over hers in a blissfully passionate kiss.

Does anyone find this thought incredibly DISTURBING rather then romantic? Draco's first time is with drunken!Hermione. And he KNOWS she doesn't remember things when she's drunk. Draco doesn't even regret it either. And Hermione doesn't feel bad about it. Does this strike anyone else as very VERY WRONG?

Anyway, Draco takes Hermione home and is confronted by Ron again, who tries to put some moves on her. She tells him she's involved with someone, she can't say who, but five minutes later Naomi breaks it to him anyway. Ron runs off to cry like a little girl. Hermione runs to Draco and tells him what happened. They hug and cuddle but at the expense of Hermione's EVER SO IMPORTANT SOCIAL LIFE. With all this social drama, when does Hermione go to class? Ron and Harry ask her WHY WHY WHY DRACO and Hermione responds by saying she loves him and then making out with him in the Great Hall in front of everyone. Yay, Tart!Hermione. Hermione hates everyone who's judging her unfairly and doesn't care that her reputation is ruined. She goes to class, TRAGEDY ENSUES.

"Look, I've had enough of this, what is your problem with me and Hermione dating? Is it that you wanted her? Well get over it, Weasley, she's with me, and I'm not going to let you make her cry again." Ron was astonished by this outburst. He looked from Hermione to Malfoy, then shook his head. "I won’t believe it, Malfoy, she couldn’t like anyone like you. You've given her a potion and made her into your whore." He said, spitefully. Hermione gasped at this statement, and Malfoy looked at her, then he looked back at Ron, and punched him in the face.

No Crabbe and Goyle to do his punching for him? Sadly, that's what bothers me most about this. Hermione begins hating all Gryffindors and spends a great deal of time in the Slytherin Common Room where everyone loves her and eats cookies and has happy funtime drunken parties. Hermione wants to get back at everybody, so she gets really drunk again and goes and harasses everyone in the Gryffindor Common Room with slightlydrunken!Draco. Getting Drunk! Your solution to everything!

By the way, there's a hangover spell called "Sobriety." I'm thankful at least that it's not "Incurrumus Sobrietiosis!" or something as equally lame.

She runs off with Draco again. Ron and Harry have a fight with her and she promises not to go the next party. Which in Tart!Hermione language means she will go to the party. And lo and behold, Draco is making out with Naomi! OH NO! WHO SAW THAT COMING? Hermione gets drunk again and runs out into the woods. Harry and Ron meet up with her because they were ~~having sex in the woods~~ they were stalking her.

She was in shock; they could both see it. Harry looked to Ron and got out his wand. Hermione shrank away from them like a puppy that had been scorned. "What are you going to do to me?" Ron sank down to her level and ran his fingers through her hair comfortingly. "Help you." He nodded to Harry, who pointed his wand at Hermione and said "Imperio" The torment that had racked her body disappeared and she floated dreamily in the clouds. Someone told her to mount a broom and she did so happily, ignorant of the world around her.

WHICH broom? Harry's broom? Ron's broom? Did she riiiide that broom all night? Was her bottom sore in the morning from brooom riding? Did those brooms viiiiibrate when she rode them? She certainly enjoyed it though. XD

How on EARTH does Harry know Imperio? And doesn't that only take control of your body, not your mind? Ron and Harry mind-control Hermione to actually act in-character unintentionally. The irony here is hilarious. Draco gets her out of class by telling Hermione's teacher that Dumbledore has an award for her. Or something. Draco tries his playboy act and Hermione resists and acts suspicious of him. It's funny and sad all at once.

He stared into her eyes, and saw no pain, anger or love in her eyes. It was as if she didn't even know they had been going out. "You don’t know?" "Well, no. I should think, seeming as Professor Dumbledore obviously hasn't got an award for me, that you have thought up some horrible trick to humiliate me for being a Mudblood." That blow knocked the wind out of him; he almost doubled over in pain. She saw the pain and her expression turned to one of concern. "Malfoy, are you feeling alright?" "You seriously don't remember do you? What have they done to you?" He went to run his fingers through her perfect hair, but restrained himself. "Look, you’re scaring me now. I'm going back to my class." With that she left. Leaving him watching her confused.

Looks like Canon!Hermione finally won out! But I'm sorry, so very sorry. It won't last long. Anyway, Hermione under mind control falls for Ron. Oh deary me, oh no. Ron feels bad about it and goes to fight with Harry, who at this point reminds me strongly of Gendo from Evangelion. He sits there and tells Ron that they both cast the curse and they'll both get caught and taken by dementors, and Harry knows Ron hates dementors. Pardon me but wouldn't HARRY POTTER have more of a reason to be afraid of those things then RON? This is where Evil!Harry begins to show up for very little reason. He tells Ron to play it up with Hermione so Draco will get the message. Ron does with some reservations. Draco angsts. Draco confronts Ron, Hermione screams on the sidelines, Ron spills the beans.

"You would think so, huh?" Draco glared at Ron. "This idiot was jealous and put a spell on you." "It was Harry." The pair jumped at Ron's whisper. "What?" Hermione looked hard at him. "What was Harry?" "It was Harry who did the spell, I told him not to, but he made me date her." It sounded as if Ron's vocal chords had shut down in protest of the disloyal act; his voice was no more than a whisper. "Oh, the sacrifices of friendship." Draco said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Hey excuse me here Ron, but I don't remember you exactly protesting when Harry said "Imperio" now. Unless it was telepathically ~~because of all the buttsex in the woods~~ while they talking about plans to stalk Hermione. Hermione doesn't believe it and skips off to merrily go throw up in the toilet. Off to the medical wing with you!

And there our final SHOCKING PLOT TWIST! My god HERMIONE'S PREGNANT! DUN DUN DUN! ::lightning flash::

"[...]What am I supposed to say to her?" "Tell her the truth, you can't hide from her the fact that she is pregnant." Harry looked at him over the top of his glasses, not a hard feat, seeming as Ron was about a foot taller then him, but it gave Ron the impression that Harry thought him stupid. "And who shall I say is the father? God? Shall I tell her that she is the next Virgin Mary? Or shall I tell her the whole truth? That her baby is the spawn of Satan?"

I'm sorry, I'm sure that should have been very dramatic and emotional, but it's simply hilarious. Try reading it out loud in a flowery, french poet voice. Ron goes to tell Hermione, Hermione denies everything and says she'd never drink because she's not stupid. Go, Imperio!Hermione. But she casts the pregnancy detection spell (why does she even know this?) "Foetus Primorti" and keeps coming up positive. I wonder if they have an abortion spell. "Foetus Expulsium!" The baby would just SHOOT out. Hermione angsts because she can't remember and cries a lot. Then she goes to the Astronomy Tower. There's only one thing people do at the Astronomy Tower, and it's NOT studying. Draco finds out she's pregnant and zips up there on his broom while Hermione stands dramatically ~~over the railing of the boat~~ over the ledge in the tower. She feels like a whore because she blacks out and it makes her pregnant. OMG waaa. Draco tries to get her to stop, then gives up because she said mean things that made him cry.

Draco could hardly speak, his heart was shattered, falling invisible to her eyes, and resting with her tears. "Do it," he said hoarsely. "What?" "Just...jump. Make it easier on both of us. If you really feel that way, then I can't stop you." He sat back and let out a mirthless laugh. "You know I actually thought you and me could do the distance. I thought we had a future together, it made me happy ...for a while.

Disney's Hercules flashbacks here. Draco stands there and Hermione sets off for her appointment with the ground. SUDDENLY, Draco has an epiphany that he REALLY WANTS THAT BABY AND WANTS TO BE A FATHER! So he zips down and catches her. Somehow this brings her free from Imperio. They profess their undying love for eachother and fly off into the sunset.

I WISH that was the end.

Hermione remembers that Draco felt up Naomi and goes to angst about it. Meanwhile she yells at Ron for using her under the Imperio curse like that, because she doesn't like people using her body while she can't do anything unless you're Draco. She then forgives him and focuses all of her hate towards Harry, because he's obviously entirely to blame for this whole mess. Hermione cries into her old friend the toilet bowl while Draco tells her that he loves her and will give up his tons of money and heritage for his precious sixteen-year-old hooker girlfriend. She forgives him. Days pass where absolutely nothing of interest happens.

Naomi immediately took the seat next to his and stared into his eyes. 'Yuck,' he thought. 'Why are Slytherin girl's so needy? Give me a Gryfindor any day.' Then he inwardly laughed at he, Draco Malfoy, putting Gryfindor's above his own kind. Not that surprising, really, considering the circumstances.

RIP Draco Malfoy.

Ron and Hermione wander around aimlessly for a while and WHO SHOULD APPEAR?

In the short silence that followed, a cold, mirthless laugh sounded. "Why look for him? He's right here." Harry stepped out from behind a tree into the moonlight. "I was hoping to find you here." His appearance was scary, his robes were ripped, it looked as if he had been digging his fingernails into his sleeves and shredding them. His hair was sticking up more then usual, but what was most scary were his eyes. Perfectly calm and focused, as was his smile.

It's...THE HEAD VAMPIRE FROM THE LOST BOYS! Only an 80's vampire with ridiculous hair could muster up so much cheesy melodrama! Anyway, Harry acts ridiculously out of character and tells them that Voldemort taught him how to battle and that he will DESTROY THEM...with his own BARE HANDS! or something to that effect.

"Fool." He lifted his own wand. "Crucio." The jet of black light sped towards Hermione and she panicked, but her sense took over and she quickly cast a shield spell, which made the curse bounce of her and hit a statue in by the lake, which disintegrated. Her heart quickened as she did this, she wondered why she was so surprised at this action, it wasn't like he hadn't used a forbidden curse on her before. She had no time for reflection though, a jet of purple light hit her across the forehead, searing her skin and making her fall to the floor, gasping for breath. "Granger might be best in lessons, but Potter wins in the battle!" Harry was standing over her, he raised his wand. "Avada Kedreva" the dreaded green light shot towards her, and she rolled out of the way, the curse making a hole in the ground where she had fallen.

I'm not the best at curses and wizard battles, but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it works. Anyway, Harry finally pegs her with a Crucio and Hermione screams a lot. Draco, through their everlasting love, knows her screams from everyone else's and runs to her rescue. Didn't think anyone could get anymore OOC?

From above her Harry was laughing, and the next thing Hermione knew, the curse had been lifted and Harry was straddling her. In his madness he dropped his wand and slapped her again and again, but she was too weak to do anything but lie still, her wand lay two metres away. Once he had drawn blood, he laughed again and put his fingers to the cut, before bringing the blood to his lips. Then he spat in her face. "Tastes like mud." Was all he said before he began his assault again. Before long he reached out for his wand, still straddling her, and put her back under the crutacius curse.

Straddling her? I guess we know whose broom Hermione was riding earlier. XD

Harry, come back to us. We miss you.

Draco runs up and stops Harry with a single Stupefy. COP-OUT. Hermione faints, fulfilling her role as the damsel in distress.

With no time to remember the CPR spell, he tilted her chin and sealed her lips with his, breathing a long breath into her chest. Then he turned his head to look down her body, feeling the air gush out of her mouth onto his cheek and her chest fall. He repeated the procedure, praying to all the gods that she would live through. Thanking his mother for sending him on a muggle first aid course behind his father's back for emergencies.

A CPR Spell? A CPR SPELL? How would that work? Invisible hands pushing on her chest? Wouldn't it make more sense to just have a rescuscitation spell? And if Draco couldn't remember a CPR spell, how on EARTH could he remember ACTUAL CPR?

Hermione goes to the hospital wing. Again. Sensing a theme? Dumbledore tells her with all the emotion of a dead pelican that Harry's been taken away by dementors, but PROBABLY won't be kissed by them. He then pardons Ron because he obviously wasn't involved and sends them all home for Christmas to recover. Thanks, Headmaster. Oh, and then this comes out of NOWHERE.

Ron yawned, "You two seem to be picking up where you left off." Hermione grinned. "It's better than that, Ron, he's asked me to marry him." Ron almost fell off his bed. "What? Really?" Hermione smiled and nodded, holding up her left hand, where a simple and elegant diamond ring adorned her third finger. "Wow, who'd thought, after four years of making our lives hell, the bastard would marry you!" "Yes, we were thinking, I mean, Draco was thinking, that you could be the best man." Ron beamed. "I'd love to be." He then slumped back on his pillow and sighed. "Well, things turned put alright, I suppose. I mean, Harry's evil, Malfoy's good. Apart from that, everything can go back to normal."

I mean, it makes sense and all because their relationship is so STRONG and GOOD and TRUSTING and THEY'RE SIXTEEN! THEY'RE SIXTEEN! God. Ron officially gets over Draco/Hermione. I guess getting clocked and sent into a tree was enough for him!

"Where's Draco?" Ron asked as Hermione settled herself in the seat furthest from the window. "We're meeting on the platform at King's Cross." "I would have thought you'd be clinging to each other like babies." Hermione smiled. "We haven't been that bad." "You bloody well have!" he exclaimed and Hermione laughed. "Maybe we have, I'm just so happy." "You bloody well deserve it!" She smiled again.

Ron has turned gay. I keep expecting him to speak with a lisp, flip his wrist around and go "Girlfriend! I knew you'd make it! But don't worry about ol drama queen Ron, he found his MAN! Harry's the man for ME!" and then giggle like a girl. On the other side of the OOC train, Draco and Hermione act disgustingly cuddly, but then TRAGEDY STRIKES!

Naomi pressed her forehead to the cold glass of the window. She was totally alone. What was it about Hermione that made Draco love her? Her woe and interest was so great, she used a power that she knew she had, but denied the existence of. Her mother, she knew, was a Veela, but her father, was a shape-shifter. Naomi had acquired both these gifts. [...]When she opened her eyes, she was an exact copy of Hermione. It didn't feel any different being her, not at all, so why did Draco love her? Just before she was going to change back, the compartment door slid open and Draco came in.

OMG! THIZ IZ SO TERRIBLE!11!!! They make out, Hermione sees them and is scandalized, runs off crying after throwing off her ring. Draco tries to explain, Hermione refuses to listen, and she leaves him. Yup. Packs up and runs away. Good thing Hermione doesn't care about her SCHOOL CAREER or anything.

Here are some choice author quotes to live by.

A/N: painfully short... But writing complicated stories is, well, complicated! And earlier... Not much to say really, I have this story clearly defined in my head, and all the questions will be answered, if not by this fic, then the sequel. Yes, Harry IS evil, I never really saw any point in him in the stories at all, lol, but I'm weird, don't listen to me.

And some wonderful tidbits from her reviewers...

*GASP* You have a GOT to have a sequel! That was so incredibly good! It was almost like K.K. Rowling herself... But I seriously doubt she would have gotten one of her characters pregnant... but anyway... LOL... If you EVER get a sequel, will you do me a favor and e-mail me? )xxxxxxx@aol.com)I know it's alot to ask, but I really don't have the time to keep checking in!
OMGOSH! WHY DID U DO THAT? U SHOULD SAY WHY RON WENT! HERMIONE SHOULD COME BACK AND BE LIKE, JK! HAHA TRICKED YOU! ugh...i guess i was never one for sad endings...

259 reviews this fic has. Two of them in the pages I could stand to read were actually intelligent. What really baffles me about this fic and many like it is the characterization of the entire thing. If you support the Draco/Hermione pairing, then more power to you. But shouldn't the stories you write ABOUT them be...you know...ABOUT them? I've noticed this a lot with rare or uncommon pairings. While it's nice that someone is writing something NEW, in the end...they aren't really. They may claim to support the relationship, but not enough to actually keep people IN CHARACTER. I also wonder about the plethora of "Hermione-gets-a-makeover-and-Draco-falls-in-love-with-her" fics that seem to be so common. Why is that Hermione has to get a makeover before Draco notices her? What does this MEAN? If someone likes Hermione enough to say, write her into a relationship with Draco, wouldn't it make more sense to keep her HERMIONE rather then someone else? This is what this fic is a good example of. Whether or not Draco and Hermione make a good couple means nothing if you can't make them Draco and Hermione in your fic. This is just a fic about two strangers who happen to have the same names. This is true of a ton of fandoms and pairings, even canon ones, where the characters are reduced to shadows of their original selves. People so desperate to see their fan pairing ignore the OOCness and more and more of these kind of fics show up. It's always bugged me and this fic is just a particularly horrendous example of it.

But thankfully, at least this Hermione-sue didn't listen to Avril Lavigne.

My soul is tainted.

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 22:57:16 GMT

WELCOME TO HELL :: The Greyarchive requests page

By Gunstar Heroine

SCORE
PLOT: -5/5 (When horny hopeless fanboys attack)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (As long as it SAYS so-and-so is screwing whoever, who cares?)
WRITING: 0/5 (They're almost as bad as the people who write the stuff)
LOSS OF FAITH IN HUMANITY: 15/5 (I feel dirty.)

SOOPER DOOPER UPDATE SPECTACULAR! We've been noticed! (copy and paste URL.) I feel so... special, maybe. While not as amusing as the Wild Lamb response, it's still an ironically funny read. The Bin Ladens of fanfiction hit again! (NOTE: That's US.)

My favorite part has to be when he asks people to "touch their bottons". I first I read that as "touch their bottoms," like they were requesting the authors to go all Schwarzenegger on us. XD

I also wonder why they never get as pissy when they get trashed on places like Something Awful and/or Portal of Evil. Oh well, you can't figure out the minds of these people.

Hellos. GH here to provide you with ~~pain~~ amusement whilst Leather Daddy is following up on the RPS stuff. We honestly didn't expect such a big turnout, so she's got her work really cut out for her. Remember, LD, you have nobody to blame but yourself. ^_-

Today's entry will also be different from the standard review. Instead, we'll be looking at part of a fic archive. Not just ANY fic archive, mind you...

If fanfiction.net is the Pit of Voles, then the best metaphor for the Greyarchive would be "The Evil Bottomless Swamp of Despair." For those of you who have (thankfully) never been there, the Greyarchive is a host for "erotic" fanfiction of many different persuasions, 99% of which is either mind-numbingly horrifying in content or contains a quality of writing that looks like the author was trying to type it all out as quickly as possible one-handed. Usually both.

The stuff on here ranges from the diamond-in-the-rough fic, which is actually readable and erotic, to the overwhelming majority of hideous crap. Where else on the web would you be able to find:

* Sailor Moon dickgirl epics ("Slutty Serenity")
* sadistic necrophiliac torture yarns featuring FFX's Lulu ("The Dam Breaks")
* Golden Axe ESL rapefic ("The Kidnapping of Tyris Flare")
* FF7 yuri fics that require a Rosetta Stone to read properly ("Tifa And Yuffie's 5 Nights of Passion" on the "older video game fics" page)
* Chrono Trigger orgies ("Tidings of Comfort and Joy" chapter 4, also on the older game fic page)
* The Little Mermaid sex slavery ("The Little Mermaid" found on the anime page), and
* La Blue Girl and Power Rangers Ninja Storm crossovers ("La Blue Storm")

Among many, many other things!

In fact, there's so much shit here it's almost impossible to pick out one single thing that would be scary enough for a review. So, we're not going to look at an actual completed fic today. Instead, we're going to be taking an extra special peek at one of the must stupifying portions of the whole mess - the Requests Page.

Prepare yourselves, folks, from here on, there's NO TURNING BACK.

Yes, this site has an anonymous request page, for those of you who have this great urge to see smut get written but feel like you don't actually have the talent to do it yourself. Of course, you don't need anything even resembling talent, creativity, or writing skill to get on the GA, but that's besides the point. While most of these requests aren't really "plot ideas" as much as "A fucks B in such-and-such manner" suggestions, some of them are gems of fucked-up fic concepts in and of themselves. (EDIT: My wonderful beta reader has informed me that there is an older requests page as well, with even MORE disasters waiting to happen. Aieee.)

Let's start out small:

"how about a FF7 story involving yuffie and vincent. yuffie goes to vincent asking him to help her increase the power of wutai's materia. but vincent doesn't want money or materia, he wants sex. yuffie desperate for help agrees. it would involve all of vincent's monster forms. maybe a little bdsm for his hellmasker form tho. "

~~Of course Vincent craves sex, but only because he's Cid's personal boytoy.~~

"Hey, this is a weird request, but i have been looking for erotica involving famous horror figures,especially jason voorhees and/or freddy kruger.
Anybody interested?"

Of course I'm interested in imagining what Jason's decomposing schlong looks like. Eew.

"How about a story based off the movie Lake Placid, the woman who was sent to study the giant crocodile become intimate with the male crocodile and has some fun with him? Also what about some stories based off the Jurassic Park movies, human/ dinosaur relationships? "

When I think of that awful movie, I think of the only redeeming factor - Betty White cussing like a sailor. Thus, when I read this, I get the image of her character and OH GOD LET'S STOP THERE

"Hey, calling all Bestiality writers there, how about:

FF7: the summon monsters get back at the FF7 girls
FF8: what the twin igiuons did to Rinoa
any n/c fic involving any FF8 girl and Cereberus"

I am not sure what the FF7 girls did to the summon monsters that would make them WANT to get revenge. Did they say Bahamut Zero couldn't get it up?

"me and my freinds want some simpsons storys i mean withall them charecters
im suprised no one done it all ready also we want more harry potter and if
you can the tekken seies ps if you can try some blue gender stories yugi and
marlene would be great."

I don't need to comment on this one, really.

Now we get into even more disturbing stuff:

I'd like to see a story with April O'Neil (from the classic TMNT
animated series, 'cause she looks a lot sexier than the designs for the
new series) where she gets kidnapped (again) and put through a nice long
series of brutal rapes and tortures (preferably with rack scenes), and
maybe even gets snuffed.

Of course, it is DEATHLY IMPORTANT that the writers include your kinks of choice. Otherwise how will you EVER be able to jerk to it properly?

"I would like to see a story with Miku and a ghost from the game Fatal Frame.
Non-consentual expected but not necessary."

Well, at least this guy gives some leeway.

"How about a story based of the cartoon "Dragon Tales"? The characters though are all adults. Emmy and her best friend Cassie have fun with each other, and so do Zak & Wheezie with themselves. Info on this show can be found at http://www.pbskids.org look for Dragon Tales. "

How sad it is that you want porn based on a PBS preschooler cartoon? Really, people...

"I also think that there aren't enough sorcerer hunters fics out there. I mean Tira and Chocolate are hot and sexy, yet there are hardly any fics about them. I would like to see them in a fic where they are raped by demons, monsters and the like, who made a contract with Carrot saying they can have Tira and Chocolate for as long as they want, so Carrot can go out and try and score without Tira and Chocolate's interference. of course if you want to get technical about where are Marron and Gateau? they would be in a separate chapter. in a sex scene and all, namely for the yaoi fans out there. the fic wouldn't have Carrot's exploits though, (namely because he probably wouldn't get a date) it would stick to Tira and Chocolate."

And this guy's equal opportunity! Though I'm sure there would be a few yaoi gurlz wanting to see Marron and Gateau get hot demon lovin' too. Ack.

"I am suprised no one has written a fic based on the persona series of games by Atlus for the ps1 :) lots of options for stories expecially demon/girl sex etc"

This one's for the other bitches! XD

"Dear writers,
Do you know The videogame "Nintendo Starfox Adventure"?
Very sensuous vixen called Krystal appears in the game.
I want to read the lemon with which she is raped/trained by the enemy "General Scales."
If you use your wonderful literary talent and the lemon is written, I will think that I am very glad.
Please consider if you please. "

I get a feeling this one was Babelfished. Scary fanboys are truly a worldwide phenomenon.

"I like many stories you have here. I would like to know? Are there any stories in here about Superheriones. Fighting Evil in the Nude. Do you have stories about Superheriones who are always sexy erotic total naked at all times? If you don't. I would like someone to have someone right a story about a woman who was a former Environmentalist that get's a Toxic chemical spill in her body. Turning her into a total naked Plant woman. Never able to wear any clothing ever again. She fights other Naked Villians and along the weight finds alleys. You can create charcters like Water Woman and Iron woman and Lava lady From Hawaii. Hey I'm making this up. I'm not a good writer. I just like to be Entertained. Nudity is what I want to read with erotic sex and explicit violence. Thank you. "

I like Capital letters in Random places.
So she runs around naked fighting other naked people and finds alleys, probably for screwing the monster-of-the-day in. Right. I also find READING nudity an oxymoron - isn't nudity really something that's more meant to be seen?

I'd love to see a story in which Troi and other Star
Trek women, including Beverly Crusher, are stranded on
a planet several weeks away from help. The women start
to feel ill and Crusher discovers there is a fungus on
the planet that will kill the women, the only ones
affected, before help can arrive. There is no cure on
the planet. The only treatment available is the
proteins in male semen, and to survive they will each
need to ingest as much as possible, from as many
sources as possible. And to keep the men from becoming
impotent in their concern, they have to conceal the
reason for the activities. Perhaps Crusher *can*
create an aphrodisiac for the men and slip in into
their rations. So for weeks they have to make
themselves orally available to every available man, as
often as they can manage to get them interested. Data
would not be of any use in the story... he's not
likely to generate proteins! But poor Barclay can
finally have the real Troi instead of the holodeck
version...

I dunno what it is with lemon fic writers and their idea that semen is the magic cure-all for all these made-up afflictions. We all know that it's not the semen as much as... well, you know.

And now for some real kickers:

"I would like to see this oddball Harry Potter idea in story form: As they
enter adolescence and begin to discover their sexuality, Ron and Harry begin
to develop, shall we say, unusual tastes after being forced by Draco and his
gang to watch Hermione and Cho Chang have sex (willing or otherwise) with
them. As much as it shames and angers them, Ron and Harry find themselves
becoming addicted to it, mistakingly linking their constant, youthful
horniness to the sight of their crushes being ravished by their nemeses. It
eventually drives them to seek solace in each other's hands. Further, Harry
decides to use the Mirror of Erised to aid in visualizing his fantasies of
cuckoldry. The Mirror draws deeply from his psyche and produces an illusion
of Lily Potter being enslaved sexually by Lord Voldemort and his Death
Eaters, which horrifies Harry at first but spellbinds him soon after. Harry
then introduces Ron to the Mirror, seducing him with visions of his mother
Molly Weasley, as well as his sister Ginny, subjected to the same sordid
treatments. Will the two now seek to become Voldemort's servants in order
to realize their fantasies, or will they manage to keep their demons at bay?
If anyone is interested in fleshing out this idea with me, feel free to
e-mail me at xxxxxxxx@msn.com -- thank you."

All the Snape-slash crap Leather Daddy and the others have forced upon me has disgusted and jaded me towards HP fic, but, uh... dear Lord. Harry and Ron becoming teenage voyeurs of their family members. I really feel sorry for Ms. Rowling and the shit her creations are subjected to sometimes.

"I'd really like a Final Fantasy X story that pairs Lulu and Rikku, and them
only (no one else joins in or watches, it's a private moment).

In the story, Rikku challenged Lulu to a private Oil Wrestling match (it
could be an Al Behd tradition or something). Lulu accepts, and they go to an
indoor arena. After oiling each other up and wearing tiny bikkinis (you
could have Rikku fight in her FFX-2 outfit, but I don't want Lulu pregnant).
They start oil wrestling each other for a long period, eventually stripping
each other's outfits. After a while, they start to get aroused, and engage
in a love making session right on the mat. They roll around in the oil, and
go into a 69 (comment on how sticky the oil is, and how it's hard to stay on
a 69 with the slippery oil).

After a while, they go to a nearby indoor pool to wash off the oil. It's
here where Rikku decides to see if she can make Lulu orgasm by only sucking
and fondling her large breasts. After succeeding, Lulu tries the same on
Rikku's breasts, and then they engage on a 69 breast sucking to make the
other cum.

Finally, they share a bed together, and have one more love session. Here,
they use a double sided dildo, and try to see who can make the other cum
first.

I really like this paring, and love oil wrestling. This story could combine
sex with competition, which I think could be really fun to read. And later
you could do a sequel staring Tifa and Yuffie."

Because every time I think of Final Fantasy, I immediately think "LESBIAN OIL WRESTLING!" I have to wonder why this guy isn't cranking it out himself, considering the amount of detail and specifics he's put into the request. Then again, this not being written is good thing.

And finally:

"I would like to formally request a rugrats lemon. including the entire group in a massuve orgy. please make it well written with a plot.by the way this is a challenge so lets see if anyone has the skill to step up to the bat.
Archive owners note: I never ever thought i'd see the day someone wanted a hardcore lemon based on rugrats, i mean wow, I mean ugh, oh well if someone writes it I will post it whatever my personal feelings are, someone has a very sick mind :/"

When the owner of this hellhole thinks your idea is awful, I'd say it's a pretty good indication that you are one fucked-up human being.

EDIT: These were too good to leave out.

"I think a good request would be a story about a woman who transforms
into a motorcycle every time she has her "cycle" and becuase of this she and
her boyfriend become superheros durring this time and he rides his special
motorcycle to battle justice."

It's like a very, very wrong version of Turbo Teen. I certainly find the concept of menstruation-based superpowers to be... um, interesting?

"Shit. Hey, bad guy, can you come back in about nine months? I sort of knocked my bike up." (Random friend person, I love you.)

"How about a story where Kimberly Hart(Mighty Morphin Power Rangers) and
Trini Kwan(Mighty Morphin Power Rangers) and Delphine(Mighty Morphin
Alien Rangers(Formerly Mighty Morphin Power Rangers)) and Katherine
Hillard(Mighty Morphin Power Rangers/Power Rangers Zeo/Power Rangers
Turbo) and Ashley Hammond(Power Rangers Turbo/Power Rangers In Space)
and Cassie Chan(Power Rangers Turbo/Power Rangers In Space) and Kendrix
Morgan(Power Ranger Lost Galaxy) and Karone(Formerly Astronema(Power
Rangers In Space/Power Rangers Lost Galaxy) and Maya(Power Rangers Lost
Galaxy) and Angela FairWeather(Power Rangers LightSpeed Rescue) and
Kelsey WinSlow(Power Rangers LightSpeed Rescue) and Dana Mitchell(Power
Rangers LightSpeed Rescue) has to do Santa Clause separtley and
together! "

uh...what?

"I want a Outlaw/Tenchi Muyo crossover where Tenchi and Ayeka get struck with Jim Hawkings, Gene Starwind, Melfina, Suzuka, Aisha Clanclan and a mysterious brown-haired, ponytailed terran woman named Lieutenant Soldangel Korvzan. They has a adventure where they are struck on a planet called Dvorak and the only way off is to ovewrthrow the corrupt goverment."

"I can't even write MY OWN Mary Sue!"

And this is only a handful of what is to be found. If you feel adventurous, by all means check the requests page for yourself and see what true horrors lurk deep within the hearts of mankind. Just be warned: You won't be the same afterwards.

One last thing: The Greyarchive also has a forum. As brave of souls as we are, dear readers, there are some things and some places that are too fargone for even us to handle.

*** ADDENDUM ***

Hey, Rebel Toy here. Administrative blather following this important announcement:

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I'm playing bitchmommy today, and all of you need a fucking spanking. I'm not annoyed because we were spammed by dozens of anonymous posters, or because someone dared to disagree with our mighty opinions, or because we were laughed at in the GA forums. (Oh no! Our bitchy siteful of deviants was mocked by an even larger and more fucked up siteful of deviants!) No, chillens, I'm irritated because of the ridiculous amount of misunderstandings, misapprehensions, oversensitive whining, and personal accusations/insults I saw in the comments. Do you LIKE flamewars? So I'm going to clarify some things in an effort to restore the peace.

** Due to a few (anonymous) complaints from, one assumes, the sensitive and chaste denizens of the Grey Archive, we have added "warning" text to this site, both in the sidebar and in our profile. Some ass monkey in the comments was scandalized by its lack of prominence, and apparently this poor individual also had to scroll down to see it. Too bad. This site does not NEED a warning. There are people on LJ who post pr0n of themselves daily. There are communities like pee_erotic (DO NOT CLICK). Our site is not even comparable. We decided to add the warning, as requested, because it's easily done and hell, there might be some people out there dumb enough to go to a site with the word "bitch" in the URL and then be shocked by vulgar content. Since this warning is not something we need, nor something we care much about, I guess people with inexplicably tiny resolutions are just going to have to scroll.

** This site is not against the LJ ToS. We're not harassing authors, nor do we encourage harassment. We have never tried to get a site shut down or a fic removed from the net; we don't say negative things about authors outside of the context of their fanfiction, purposely try to injure anyone's feelings, or otherwise attempt to harm anyone. All we do is publicly voice our opinions. I don't see the Thought Police out there forcing you to agree with us. Nobody's stopping you from making your own webpage where you worship the fics we hate, or insult us, or whatever. Stop being such fucking whiny little tards.

** This may or may not surprise our readers, but we, the ficbitches, like fanfiction. I would go so far as to say some of us love fanfiction. All of us read way too much of it, and most of us at least attempt to write it. When I read a good fic that made me all squishy inside, I'm a happy ball of sparkly fluff for hours. I've read fic that made me cry, fic that was superior to canon, and fic that made me get up and hop around my living room squeaking when I finished it because it was that fucking good. It's disappointing when you read something and it was only enjoyable for complaining about. We don't run this site because we like to hurt people's feelings, because we hate fanfic, or because we enjoy smacking down college freshmen who can't spell (okay, well, we do enjoy that; wtf is wrong with you people?! how did you graduate high school?!). We run this site because we enjoy reading fanfic that we consider "good" and we hope to promote more of what we personally like.

** To the Grey Archive people who accused us of prematurely judging their domain -- my dear perverts, we've been reading the GA for years. We go there all the time when we're bored. Sometimes we're surprised by quality. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we feel ill or frightened. Sometimes we just end up confused. However, be assured that we are very familiar with the site and its content, and we did not judge it "based on one page." We note that some of you made a snap judgement of us, though... We found it very amusing when we were accused of having some kind of GRRL POWER feminist stance against porn... since we all read porn. We collect porn. We write and draw porn. Het, slash, femslash, whatever. Please be assured that if we are amused or horrified by your GA fic, it is not because it had sex in it.

** We are human and have squicks, and some of the stuff on the Grey Archive really squicks us. (That Lulu fic probably gave me the most distubing mental image I've had in months.) It squicks a LOT of people. I don't know how else to put this: y'all are fucked up. Porn is normal. Lesbian porn is normal. Lesbian sodomy torture snuff lemons -- not so normal. Please do not get on your high horses about how we have no right to say you can't think cannibalism rape porn is highly erotic. We're not saying you don't have a right to beat off to it. Go ahead. What we ARE saying it that it's fucked up, and if you fantasize about violent rape and people being sodomized to death, we'd really rather stay far away from you. We're not accusing you of being about to run out and commit a crime; we assume you can separate fantasy from reality. You're just very creepy.

** Also in regard to the Grey Archive: we have no problem with the site or its content existing in general. Despite our personal reactions to some of the fics, they have a right to be posted. As Leather Daddy said earlier, we are strongly against censorship of any kind; fics that make us ill have a right to exist. And we have a right to point and go "eww." It's like when you're a kid and you find a squished, rotting dead cat out in the street: you just GOTTA show your friends! But as for the GA itself... everyone needs community, including deviants. We are touched by the webmaster's dedication to serving and attempting to protect his community, which is why I have removed the direct links that he was upset about; I personally still don't feel that the issue WAS an issue, but Jason, if that floats your boat, then whatever. We did appreciate your offer to be interviewed, but we don't see any need: our purpose is to review and discuss fanfic and writing. We're not a hard-hitting fandom news team. But thanks.

These replies have become far too long and you probably stopped reading several pages ago, so I'll end my rant by making this point: we don't care if people don't like us, or we get fandom_wanked, or whatever, so long as we were properly understood. Misunderstandings and lj_drama in our comments are very frustrating.

--rebel toy

Let's try something a little different. ("The Hunt for Good RPS")

Fri, 12 Sep 2003 00:47:34 GMT

No, this isn't an admin notice, don't worry!

Leather Daddy is having some technical difficulties that are keeping her from the RPS. I'll get to these stories soon, I swear!

BTW: If you recommend a long archive of stories and you don't specify that "fic #______ is the one that will change your life and your way of thinking, but fics x, y, and z are necessary backstory so you have to read them first," it's hard for me to see a list of 20 related stories and go, "oh boy, time to read them all!" Give me a hand, here. I want to be fair, but if you don't focus my reading, I'll use the time-honored "stick a fork in 3-5 places, see if it's done" technique. Which may indeed lead me to miss that "FIC THAT WILL ROCK MY WORLD," but I had no idea which fic that was!

Editorial comment #1: I have the greatest respect for you authors (um...usually...) but really, why offer up your fic and then say you don't care what we think? This is sort of a fic review site, you know.

Editorial comment #2: On that note, the adjectives "famous" and "popular" and "well-liked" mean very little to us as a description of a fic. (see: site description)

Editorial comment #3: By the way, you'll notice that none of the ficbitches has really honestly attacked RPS or RPF fandom. We just say the WRITING is often shitty. We haven't even touched the issue of whether it's right or wrong or whether RPS'ers are going to hell or whether people who hate RPS are just narrow-minded bigots who are unwilling to have their viewpoints expanded. (I personally love that last one. Yes, let's all take our fandom very seriously, people.) Please keep that in mind, all right?

Some time ago, Gunstar Heroine reviewed a J-Rock RPS (real-person-slash) fic. Part of the responses to that fic were along the lines of, "Well, of course you're going to dislike BAD RPS, there's lots of good RPS!"

As one of the people who thinks that all RPS is terrible crap, I took that advice to heart and went searching for good RPS. I went to about a dozen rec pages and read their suggestions for RPS. I asked friends who were into RPS. I read actorfic, musicianfic, boyband slash - I read a lot of it. I did my research.

I have yet to read RPS that doesn't make me want to stab my eyeballs out. Either the writing quality is poor, or the "characters" are uninteresting, or the storyline is completely retarded. "An AU where all the boyband members hang out at Skateland in junior high and everyone is gay!" I have read more retarded Eminem slash than I care to. Eminem x Lance Bass. Eminem x Sean Biggerstaff (no, I'm not kidding.) Lots of Eminem x Elijah Wood. Lance Bass x Orlando Bloom. Eminem x Lex Luthor. Eminem x QAF cast. Carson Daly brutally raping Justin Timberlake as a 17-year-old.

I *know* all of this is essentially braincandy, but can't it be INTERESTING braincandy? Most of the fics are essentially about how so-and-so is obsessed with Pixi Stix, so he gives them to his crush who doesn't understand the DEEP SIGNIFICANCE of the gesture, and the entire fic is their retarded attempts to reconcile and do the Humpty Dance. That level of infantile cutesy behavior that's excused because it's FAMOUS AND GAY behavior drives me up the wall, and it seems to be par for the course in RPF.

So, here comes my proposition. You people who claim that good RPS exists - prove it. Leave the link in the comments. I'll read it, and assuming I don't get dozens and dozens of replies, I'll reply with what I thought about it. (RPS and RPF - that is, non-slash, if it exists? are both welcome.) You non-RPS-fans are also welcome to read the fic and leave comments; just try to keep things succinct and fic-related. I'm the only one allowed to ramble for pages around here, dammit!

Go for it. Let's see if you can prove me wrong.

EDIT: What do I mean by "good"? A partial explanation. I'm not asking for realism, or even 100% feasibility, but I'm asking for an interesting story that isn't a madlibs slash story. If you read this thread about how Vivi's LOTR smutfest broke my mind and soul and I compared it to those soul-breaking Depeche Mode slashfics, I realized that the similarities extend far beyond their ability to reduce me to incoherency.

I realized that it was because YOU COULD EASILY INTERCHANGE THE NAMES.

big mean manipulative abusive seme or "top" or "dom": dave gahan/viggo/sean bean
weepy wussy uke who needs ~~serious deep-dicking~~ the seme's "love": martin gore/orlando/elijah
everyone else: held at bay, because either they love the seme and he's too much of a manwhore for them...or they love the uke, and big jealous psycho seme won't allow that.

It's very sad if a fic remains the same whether the cast of lord of the rings or the members of depeche mode are subbed in. That's not a good fic.

That's just an example of what I mean by "bad characterization." In general, people write these real people as brain-dead morons whose sole identifying characteristics are who they want to fuck and how they want to do it. Or they're weepy and whiny and co-dependent like Uke-Wan Kenobi of Star Wars fandom fame. I come out of the fic literally knowing nothing more about this "character" than they like to be tied up and paddled, or they have abandonment issues that allow their "lover/master/owner" to shamelessly abuse them.

BO-RING.

So before you excuse all the sins of fandom, both RPF and regular fiction, with "what the hell do you expect, realism? these are just our fantasies" - naw, that's not what I mean at all. Reread what I said.

A boring, incomprehensible, unrealistic RPS fic is like a boring, incomprehensible, unrealistic Mary Sue. Sure, it's your personal fantasy. But don't be surprised if I'm bored shitless by it or say it's badly-written. Muses and Soulbonds are not exempt from the need for editing and plotting.

The hurt that keeps on giving.

Tue, 05 Aug 2003 09:28:48 GMT

Fake :: Shame
Reviewed by: Velvet Venus

SCORE
PLOT: 2/5
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5
WRITING: 3/5
SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY: 10/5

Fake is a manga that will always have a special place in my heart. It was one of my first true yaoi-oriented fandoms and I've always loved the series. Not only was the developing romance interesting, so was the plot. So, every so often, when I feel like abusing myself, I'll wander back over to Fake archives and find horrifying things to read (think of Leather Daddy's relationship with TPM, only with no mpreg). Now, there is one particularly prolific author whose stories seem to have become rather popular among Fake fans. I had quite a time trying to pick just one specific story to ficbitch. She's written so many and it's like a field of gold. There was the Mary Sue tries to rape Ryo story, the Cal becomes an all-knowing sex advisor for Dee and Ryo story, or the story with the satanic homophobe detective. I was really tempted to pick that last one; it had some spectacularly bad lines like, "Too fast for you, Baby? S'okay. Don't worry. I shouldn't have given you a taste of sex college when we're still in sex elementary," and "Dee's cock was in seventh heaven, drooling, begging, pleading for a good hump in the ass it was buried in."

So you say to yourself, Fake is a canonically yaoi series, you can't bitch about how out of character the pairing or characters are!

Like a moth to a flame, I seem to be drawn to fandoms that can't produce good in-character stories about relationships even if it's handed to them straight from canon. My biggest problem with the characterization in this story (as well as all the author's other stories) is that every character seems to have become a caricature of him or herself. Most of the main characters in Fake are detailed and complex individuals that have more than one defining feature. For example, Bikky is generally a smart-ass little brat to everyone except Ryo. However, when things go bad or Dee gets hurt, Bikky is right there, willing to help or offer comfort. Their fights are generally more for show than because they really hate each other. In reality, they act very much like siblings. He's a street punk but he's also caring and generous towards those he's close to.

I finally went with Shame, because although it's not the worst fic of the bunch, it's an excellent example of what drove me to tears about most of the stories. So let's start the fic.

"Idiot! Stop being such a pig!"
"You're the pig!"
"You are!"
"No, you are!"
"Boys!" Ryo cut in, exasperated. Ryo and Bicky paused in their fighting, food poised on forks to fling at each other. "I just want a quiet meal, okay? Dee, act your age!"
"He started it," Dee grumbled and dumped his forkfull of noodles back onto his plate with a clatter. "I don't know how you put up with him, he's so obnoxious, selfish, irritating...."
Dee had just described himself. Ryo hid a smile, not really angry. He liked the bickering, though he would never admit it. It made him feel like he was part of a real family, something he hadn't had since leaving his aunt's house to work in New York. Yes, the noise was comforting. He liked the small apartment to be full of life.

This last paragraph is a good example of the stylistic problems Kracken has throughout all of her fics. The paragraph reads almost like a digest summary, not the story itself. A short and choppy style can be effective if used well, but that's certainly not the case here. It feels very much like there should be more thoughts or descriptions included to help put context around what's being described. Because I doubt the author literally meant Dee was trying to describe himself, more that she was trying to highlight the similarities between Dee and Bikky (really? No way!). But I could be wrong, perhaps Dee does think of himself as a twit.

So Ryo gives Dee a secret smile to tell him he's not really annoyed and this causes Bikky to start wondering about the security of his living situation. Random? Out of left field? I thought so too.

Bicky watched the exchanged looks with anger and resentment. … He felt threatened, pure and simple, by Dee and Ryo's budding relationship. He had grown up on the streets with violence on every corner. Ryo had given him a clean home, a firm hand, and hope for the future. Dee could all too easily end that, Bicky thought. The man disliked him. If Dee were to have his way with Ryo, the next step would be for him to move in with Ryo. The step after that was obvious. Two's company, three's a crowd. Bicky didn't want to live on the streets again. He was determined to fight for his place with Ryo and thwart Dee's intentions any way he could.

Sure, Bikky and Dee don't get along, but that's because Bikky doesn't like Dee making moves on Ryo, who is very much like a father figure to him. It's like how most kids would scream in horror if they saw their parents start groping each other or making overtly sexual advances. After all, Bikky is probably 15 at most around the time the story is set and more likely he's closer to 12. Deep down Bikky doesn't really disapprove of their relationship; he just doesn't want to be a witness to it. If Bikky really hated the relationship as much as fanficers tend to think he does, then why would he allow himself to be bought off by Dee to go see a movie or not go on a trip? He wouldn't make bets with Cal about the status of Ryo's virginity either.

They all finish dinner and Dee goes to laze about on the couch while Ryo does his wifely duties and cleans up the kitchen. Now, in the manga, Ryo cooks a lot, but time and again we're shown Dee doing the dishes afterwards. Ryo is by no means pushed into the housewife role. Sanami Matoh (the author of Fake) goes out of her way to show how Ryo and Dee's relationship is very balanced; there is no "woman" of the relationship. Yet ficcers think that because Ryo is pretty looking and slightly effeminate this obviously means he's the housewife/woman!

"You'd better not try anything or I'll- I'll have you arrested or reported, or something!" Bicky stammered.
Dee frowned, suddenly serious. "We're adults, Bicky. You're sticking your nose in our business. All you need to worry about is bubble gum and report cards."

When Dee and Ryo met Bikky he was (and still is) a little street punk. We're talking about a kid who has effectively grown up alone in the slums of New York. I don't think "bubble gum and report cards" were ever one of his worries, and given the glimpses we're given of older Bikky in the chapters at the end of each volume, I doubt they ever will be. And Dee, of all people, should understand that because he grew up in exactly the same kind of situation.

"I'm going to kill you someday."
Dee grew very serious now. "That's not even a joke, kid. Don't say that ever again. I know you're mad at me for trying to be with Ryo and I know you don't like me personally, but that's stuff you have to learn to deal with. Hell, what's wrong with ending up with two 'Dads' instead of one?"

Dee threatens to kill Bikky more times than I can count in the manga, just about every time they get into a fight, so for him to have that kind of reaction is so very out of character. That would be kind of like Ryo suddenly making lewd comments and giving JJ a hand job in the middle of the police station. Bikky says it's because he doesn't trust Dee, which is just silly, since Dee has gone out of his way to protect Bikky from physical harm since almost the first time they met. Bikky is also pretty homophobic before Dee and Ryo's relationship solidifies, so he's far more likely to respond with something like, "OMG, STFU, YOU HOMO LETCH," than "I have doubts about your moral character."

Ryo was a true beauty, a mixture of American apple pie and Japanese porcelain. His eyes slanted, just slightly, and they were as black as midnight, but his hair was a russet brown and his eyebrows looked like they had been made with a fine brush stroke. Those features were almost feminine, Dee thought, yet his body was definitely masculine.

This just needs a heaving bosom, glistening cherry red lips and heaving sighs to be straight out of some romance novel. Perhaps it's just me, but the image of some apple pie on a porcelain plate makes me hungry. It does not make me think, "Damn, he's one fine looking man." The closest I can get is "attractive piece of ass," and that just leads me right back to food again. If the author had described him with chocolate brown hair I'd have been convinced he'd been turned into a giant Ryo shaped food product at some point that was lost in the ~~editing~~ footnotes.

He was everything Dee had ever dreamed of, both of his desires satisfied in one man. If only Ryo could understand how he felt, Dee thought, things would be so much different. Dee had never been good at words. His attempts to show Ryo physically always landed him outside the locked door of Ryo's heart.

Now, I know this was just me, but combined with the previous description of Ryo having both manly and girly traits this made me think, "Dee's ideal person is a hermaphrodite?"

Dee has never had a problem with words. End of story. Sorry, you missed that train, sister. He spends most of his time verbally sparring or wooing Ryo and within the first volume of the manga he tells Ryo that's he's serious about pursuing him. At one point in the manga he spontaneously starts spouting (bad) poetry to Ryo. Whenever Ryo starts to seriously question the motives of Dee's overtures, the man in question is not at a loss for words. Granted, he's not your romance hero with the flowery language that comes from the bottom of his palpitating heart. But there is something of a middle ground between the two extremes.

Dee continues reflecting on his partner, thinking mostly why the boy isn't putting out. He finally decides the reason isn't because Ryo doesn't like him, it's because he's scared of sex. Really, Sherlock?

"What are you thinking, Ryo?" That's not what he had wanted to say at all! Damn his slow tongue. He was just too stupid! Why couldn't he just... say it!

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't generally find myself saying complete (and coherent) sentences that I didn't intend to say. Who knew that Dee's tongue had a will of its own? I'm also not entirely sure what exactly he was supposed to be saying, since the previous paragraph was talking about Ryo's reluctance to have sex, but I'm guessing it was probably a confession of some kind. I guess that's just one more thing lost in ~~editing~~ the digest version.

Ryo looks up and stretches "until his bones popped." That sounds like it hurts, man. Your cartilage and joints can crack or pop, yes, but as a general rule bones popping is not a good thing. Ryo says he is thinking about work but Dee sees through this crafty façade and realizes he's getting ready to propose! Wait, no, I mean confess! Again, left field?

"It's nice having you here most nights, having dinner, talking."
"Yeah? I like it too," Dee replied and cursed himself again. What a stupid thing to say! Stupid! Stupid! He should have said something slick, like, 'I just want to be close to the man I love.' or something like that!

For possibly the first time in the fic, I think Dee's right. He should have said something like that. Dee Laytener might be a lecherous hornball, but he's a suave lecherous hornball. This is the guy who will tell Ryo that he's bisexual, talk about what his ideal woman is then say "and my ideal man is you. Just you and no one else."

"Me too." Dee winced. His voice had almost cracked. What was he, twelve?

Dee has now started reading my thoughts. I'm in awe. Ryo eventually breaks the big news: Auntie is coming to visit and he's afraid she's not open minded enough to handle Dee being around. What he really means is he doesn't anyone in his family to find out he's been fooling around with another little boy. Aww, I guess the family doesn't like sweet little homos. Dee, of course, sees through this and realizes what's really going on and has to struggle to hold back tears. Because Dee is really the break down sobbing sort. We're talking about a person who didn't cry when he got shot, beaten up or even when he was worried his Mother was going to die. So obviously he's going to start sobbing when Ryo reveals he's not ready to be outed.

Now, who can guess what kind of weather New York is having as Dee storms out? (Yes, that pun was intended.) Dee decides the only way to help his problem is to drown his woes in alcohol. I'm starting to feel the same, myself. I might need a drink to get through this review.

Dee eventually decides to just buy alcohol instead of going to a bar, because he doesn't want the other patrons to see him break down like a little bitch. I have to say that's unusually considerate of Dee, since there are few things worse than having to watch someone sob into their drink at a bar.

Slick with rain and a slight, persistent drizzle, the city looked stark, bleak, and cold; just how Dee felt. It was almost comforting as he strode along the sidewalk to the subway. He felt that he was hidden in the low light and the rain, safe from any stranger's scrutiny or judgment.

Okay, rain and drizzle is kind of redundant, I think the reader has started to get the idea that it is raining. But the author is going to point this out several more times, JUST TO MAKE SURE. The second part of that paragraph gives me this mental image of Dee moving along leaping from shadow to shadow, cackling to himself at his crafty l33t ninja skills.

"D-Don't, please!"
Ryo stopped and fumbled for his shoulder holster. He snapped off the safety of his gun, as he put down his bag of liquor, and then slowly approached a dark ally. Two shadows were struggling.

And suddenly it's Ryo on the sidewalk now, and not Dee. When I first read this I had a sudden fear this was going to turn out to be a Birdy the Mighty or Cinderella Boy crossover where two people got stuck in one body that kept randomly switching. But then I realized if that were so it'd be a pretty boring fic... Dee would probably just spend all his time touching himself. So now I'm wondering if there was a scene change I missed. Another thing lost in the ~~editing~~ digest.

Dee hears someone yelling "D-Don't, please!" and rushes over to the conveniently nearby alley to find Ryo about to be raped by some random evil man. I bet you never saw that plot twist coming! Ryo successfully fends off his would-be rapist just as Dee comes around the corner. Dee is shocked to discover Ryo half naked and standing over the assailant. Sometimes I really wonder where the hell Ryo shops, man. Because he's got some clothing that's ridiculously easy to remove. You would think he'd learn not to wear shirts with zippers on the front around Dee after the first time that got him molested, but apparently not. (An amusing side note, it's insanely easy to tell when Ryo is about to get jumped in the manga. Every time he shows up in a shirt with a zipper he gets felt up.)

Dee felt himself boil. He was almost blind with rage. "You- You piece of shit! You tried to take, by force, the greatest gift Ryo has to give besides his heart; the gift I've waited more than two years to have!" Dee didn't realize that he was shouting those words out loud as he kicked the prostrate body of the rapist, hard, twice, before Ryo managed to pull him off.
"You're a cop, Dee!" Ryo shouted at him. "Do that again and I'll have to arrest you too!"

Apparently Dee's huge problem with words doesn't apply when a would-be rapist appears. Now, Dee is totally the type to kick the crap out of someone who tried to attack Ryo, but he certainly wouldn't spout poetic nonsense while doing it. Dee is more the practical sort to just threaten the guy's life. Ryo is certainly not the type of person or partner that would arrest Dee for kicking his attacker. He's helped cover up other instances of police brutality when Dee lost his cool before, so I find it highly unlikely he'd do any different in a situation as personal at this.

Rebel Toy also points out just how shallow the line makes Dee look. He's like "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A RAPIST, BUT THIS ~~ASS~~ TREASURE IS MINE! MINE! I'VE PUT UP WITH BLUE BALLS FOR TWO YEARS TO HAVE IT SO BUGGER OFF."

Ryo calls for backup, Dee threatens the rapist some more and then Ryo cuffs him. After all of that happens, then Ryo decides to try and pull his clothes back on. Right.

It took a long while to give the arriving police officers their statements, to hold still for evidence to be collected, and to have the usual conversations with men and women that both Ryo and Dee knew. They were all concerned for Ryo, but procedures had to be followed. They apologized again and again for the time and the questions, but Ryo was a professional. Dee ached for him. He completely forgot that he was supposed to be angry with the man. After what had just happened, that sort of thing didn't matter anymore. Even if Ryo was ashamed of him, Dee thought, they were still partners and friends.

I don't know a whole lot about police procedures (mostly gleaned from obsessive watching of Law & Order), but New York is a pretty big city. I would imagine that Ryo and Dee don't know every cop in the city (especially since they're detectives, not cops on the beat). I'm also pretty sure that cops don't always take exhaustive statements from victims right after particularly traumatic events. I really have no idea what "to hold still for evidence to be collected" is supposed to mean, either. Ryo wasn't actually raped, so it's not like there's any forensic evidence. Perhaps the NYPD just likes doing random full body cavity searches!

Dee is now horrified at the thought that he could have ever been mad at his wonderful little Ryo. Ryo is suddenly all about his civic duty and glad he helped put a rapist in jail. He insists he's just fine, thank you. If anything, he's upset because he wasn't able to kick the guy's ass sooner. Right, because being assaulted and almost raped isn't traumatizing in the slightest. We find out that Ryo had been running around in the slums looking for Dee because he felt bad about what happened earlier.

Ryo begs Dee to come up to his apartment and comfort him and suddenly Dee forgets all about the assault and gets angry again. Way to go comforting the traumatized there, boy. Dee decides to make a scene at the door about being forced into the closet. Ryo insists that he isn't ashamed of Dee; he's ashamed of himself. He doesn't want Auntie to know her sweet little nephew actually enjoys getting felt up by the other boys. I'm really not sure what the difference between these two things is, six of one, half dozen of another. When that doesn't work and Dee starts shouting, Ryo insists they come upstairs because he doesn't want people to think Dee is drunk.

"Of course, sweetie, sure I want everyone to know I'm gay, but why don't we talk about this upstairs where no one can see, so that...uh...no one thinks you're drunk! THAT'S IT!"

I think the only person buying this is Ryo himself. The two move into the apartment's lobby and continue bickering. Ryo finally admits he doesn't want Dee around because he doesn't want to have to admit to his Auntie that he cares for another man in that way. Dee realizes that's some kind of half-assed confession and says, "aww, that's so sweet!" then tells Ryo that he has no intention of having an in the closet relationship. Let's be honest for a moment here -- I don't think Dee is even familiar with what the inside of the closet looks like.

"Relationship?" Ryo reached up slowly and brushed off Dee's hand. Dee let it fall to his side reluctantly. "I was talking about- about friendship, Dee. You know how I feel about-"
Ryo wanted to back track now, deny what he'd just said. It had made him too uncomfortable and afraid. Dee clenched his fists and turned away. "Thanks a lot!"
"Huh? Dee?"
"You just kicked me in the gut again, Ryo. How many times are you going to do that tonight? Are you trying to set a record?"

The melodrama in this story is random and horrifying, once again. Now, I understand that some people say "why don't you just kick me in the gut again?" or some authors will describe the reaction as similar to being kicked in the gut, but I don't think I've ever seen someone use that turn of phrase in quite that manner. This moves Ryo (in painful, horrifying ways), and so he starts talking about the things Dee shouted at the attempted rape. You know, all that blather about Ryo having special secret gifts that he was waiting to give to someone special. This is starting to look like the introduction to some bad romance RPG where we find out Ryo has the power of some long lost kingdom hidden inside his ~~ass~~ soul.

Ryo tells Dee that he doesn't want any ultimatums and if Dee tries to force him into anything he might just leave. I need to take a moment to laugh here, since that's exactly what Dee did through the entirety of the series. Dee doesn't take this too well and points out that he's been horny for 2 years, god damnit! And why is it so hard to get a hand job around here?

"When I'm comfortable with letting a man fuck me in the ass and everyone knowing about it!"
Dee went white as a sheet and turned, completely stunned, never having heard anything like that from his partner, even in the worst situations.

Left field, anyone? Really, what the hell? Ryo breaks down into a sobbing heap because he's just so disgusted with himself. Sure, Ryo has some issues, but I don't think self-loathing is one of them. He goes on to explain, between sobs, that he's afraid to let a man "have him like that" and that he doesn't want to be just another fuck for Dee. Which is pretty accurate to canon (minus the sobbing routine), I'll admit. But I don't see how that translates at all into "OMG, NO ONE MUST KNOW ABOUT US!" Because to really have that kind of problem, there has to be an "us" in the first place. Which is what Ryo initially has a problem with.

Dee asks Ryo if he's drunk and Ryo admits that he got pretty sloshed at a bar while looking for Dee. And what the hell is with all these complete non-sequiturs? So now that we know Ryo's piss drunk it obviously explains everything, he starts swaying and slurring heavily then throws up.

Okay, someone explain this to me: How is it that he fended off a rapist, called the police, restrained Dee from killing the criminal, gave his statement on the assault and got all the way back to his apartment and NO ONE NOTICED THAT HE WAS DRUNK?

"La, la, la! I'm as sober as a drama queen can be! Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be drunk! Tee hee! *Falls over and throws up*"

It's been my general experience that anyone drunk enough to throw up generally has a REALLY DIFFICULT time passing for sober. Or standing up and walking straight, for that matter.

"So, you didn't come looking for me," Dee said with a sigh as he hooked a hand under Ryo's arm and helped him to his feet. He wrinkled his nose at the smell. Ryo hadn't managed to avoid all of it. Some of it was on his jacket. "You went out to experience your first drunk. It is your first, isn't it, Ryo?"

Experiencing your first drunk, huh? That sounds more like Ryo went out to get some ass at the bar than getting piss drunk. So they go inside the lobby (this is now the second or third time they've walked into the building, does this apartment complex have a rotating door or something?) and Dee admonishes Ryo for being a nasty drunk. Funny, he seems more like a moody drunk than a nasty drunk to me, but the way this story is going he could have very well murdered someone on the way home and I didn't even notice. Ryo is now having trouble forming complete sentences and thinking clearly. Apparently pretending to be sober when you're piss drunk stops working when you admit you're drunk! I get the distinct impression that perhaps the author has never actually been really inebriated. Keep in mind that at this point, Ryo has to have stopped drinking for at least a couple hours (from all the time they spent in the police station giving statements) and just threw up. Unless Ryo has a hipflask he's been hiding this whole time that he's taking swigs from whenever Dee isn't looking. Perhaps another thing lost in ~~editing~~ the digest?

They get up to Ryo's apartment and Dee decides to give Ryo a bath.

Wetting a washcloth in warm water, Dee took up bar of soap and began washing the sickness off of Ryo's skin.

Earlier, the author made a point of describing how only Ryo's jacket had gotten anything on it when he threw up, which is kind of incongruous with Ryo having a "sickness" all over his skin (Rebel Toy: "OMG RYO IS A LEPER"). I can only guess the author is referring to some other kind of sickness. Perhaps Dee is using Gay-B-Gone, the anti-Gay soap of choice?

Ryo watched him intently, despite his drunken state, and shivered a little whenever Dee ran the washcloth over his sensitive nipples. They quickly turned rock hard and red. Dee tried not to look. He tried to keep his mind on helping his partner, not on the fact that he was doing what he had filled many wet dreams with, touching Ryo's bare chest.

I'm not really sure I wanted to know that many of Dee's wank fantasies involve a piss drunk Ryo covered in "sickness." Now, I don't know about everyone else, but when I have to take care of some drunken person, I don't find trying to get him or her clean strangely erotic even if I am attracted to them normally. There's just something about having to try and take care of truly drunk people that's very un-erotic.

If your boyfriend stumbles back to you piss drunk after an argument and throws up outside, you're not thinking "heeeeeey, you look kinda sexy tonight," as you try and clean them up for bed. You're probably thinking something like "So help me God, if you throw up again on this carpet your hangover tomorrow is going to be nothing compared to what I will do to you tomorrow morning."

Dee puts Ryo to bed, all the while hoping that our young drunken friend doesn't remember the night's events come morning.

The next morning comes and Ryo tries to apologize to Dee. He remembers very little and tells Dee he felt bad for treating him the way he did.

"Hey, that argument we had yesterday? It really had nothing to do with you, it was all about me."

And for some reason that I can't fathom, Dee is relieved to hear this because that makes it all better. He tells Ryo that he'll lay low while Auntie is around and that he can wait like a good little puppy dog. Ryo is just about to confess his love when he has to throw up again. Dee won't let him off the hook and finally Ryo admits he loves Dee. They're about to kiss but then Dee remembers that Ryo has just been THROWING UP and that would probably be rather disgusting.

Ryo starts crying again and thinking about his two precious secret gifts and I swear I can hear BGM playing just out of earshot.

One of the bigger problems I had with this story is how Dee and Ryo's relationship is characterized. In this story (and so many other Fake fanfics) Ryo is in denial about being gay and afraid of what others will think of him. He pushes back every advance of Dee's while thinking to himself "OMG, I'M NOT A HOMO!" Ranmaru, from Kizuna (another canonically yaoi series about a developing relationship), certainly fits that mold, Ryo does not.

Let's take a moment to revisit that fun little thing called canon, when Dee starts flirting with Ryo in the first chapter of the manga, Ryo doesn't scream and proclaim his heterosexuality, he thinks to himself, "if this keeps going I might have to come to terms with certain parts of myself." By the end of the second volume Ryo has even initiated a kiss with Dee in a private moment. The only time he really starts protesting wildly is when he thinks Dee is about to violate his ass. Which is understandable, sometimes the buttsex just isn't what a boy's looking for. In fact, Ryo does very little to resist Dee's advances in the beginning until JJ shows up. And that's only because he begins to think that Dee isn't serious about his advances and is just a playboy. It's not that Ryo is afraid of the homo-gay part of the relationship, it's that he doesn't want to be a conquest or a one-night stand. Ryo is very much afraid that Dee is just a playboy who has no long-term interest. Ryo is also the type of person who frowns on casual public displays of affection (or lust), but that doesn't equal vehement homophobic denial of his sexuality. When Dee kisses (or gropes) him in public his reaction isn't "OMG, I'm not gay, die, kthnx!" it's more along the lines of "not in public, you ass!"

The closest I can remember to Ryo ever doing anything like that in the manga is when someone attempts to stereotype him ("Well, what can you expect from a fag/homo/weirdo?"). And when he objects it's more about the stereotyping than over his supposed sexuality. Dee is the person who vigorously denies being gay when asked, always insisting that he's bi.

There are a lot of things that could really help this story; a good editor or beta reader is one. There are lots of random grammar mistakes that made me cringe. Now, my spelling is atrocious and I abuse commas like no one's business, so to have me noticing grammar mistakes is pretty bad. Most of the problems are just structural errors or sentence fragments. The rape seemed really unnecessary for the (vague) plot of the story; the same result could have easily been achieved with Ryo just acting drunk from the beginning.

NOTE FROM LEATHER DADDY: Sorry for the long hiatus. This is a shameful confession, but, uh...we have lives. However! I am working on my next review. O-tanoshimi ni, to give you your fangirl Japanese for the day. As for the ficbitch t-shirt designs - no, we haven't forgotten about them, and we're still collecting them!

And one final note:

Leather Daddy: what is it about the greyarchive? is it like a silent dog whistle for deviants?
Velvet Venus: that would explain why you're going through it XD

My stomach feels better!!

Sat, 05 Jul 2003 02:16:40 GMT

The Legend of Zelda :: Burning for You
Reviewed by: Gunstar Heroine

SCORE
PLOT: 1/5 (PWP)
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5 (Link has asexual tendencies, Zelda is an evil bitch, and Ganon is now the sexiest thing in Hyrule. Right.)
WRITING: 2/5 (Knows grammar, punctuation, and most spelling, but this does not stop the PURE CHEESE within)
HUNGER INDUCEMENT: 5/5 (It's magically Link-a-licious!)

There's many different types of badfic out there. Some make your head hurt. Some make you angry. Some make you wonder what drugs the author does on a regular basis. And some make you want to flee away from the computer screaming and begging dear God never to make you see such horrifying things again.

Then, there's that special subcategory of badfic which is just, in some way or another, so completely out there that you simply CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. Yes, it's awful stuff, but it's awful in a thoroughly amusing fashion.

My pick of today, Burning for You, is one of those fics. From the minute I first glanced upon the text, I realized that this was going to be nothing short of concentrated hilarity. At first I thought it was a joke fic, but no, all indicators seem to point to the fact that this author was trying to be serious, inadvertently making the whole thing even more comical.

Let's take a look at this very special work, shall we?

Basically, this fic's biggest problem is adjectives. Mainly, the fact that there are WAY WAY TOO MANY. There's nothing wrong with detailed description in a story, but when the descriptions get so long-winded that they bore the reader and interfere with the progress and pacing of your story, it's a Very Bad Thing. That's why I See Dead People is so infamous amongst our little group.

But this is only HALF the problem, the other half being that the choices of adjectives and descriptions this author made are simply mindboggling and often conflicting. There's so much confusion in this fic's descriptions: is link the most beautiful, thin, pale-skinned uke boi in the universe or is he a MASCULINE MANLY MAN? Is Ganon a strong, evil conqueror or a man who gets all teary-eyed at the thought of hurting his sworn nemesis' feelings? I don't know, and despite reading this thing over several times I still can't figure it out. All the descriptions here share one trait, though: Sheer over-the-top ridiculousness.

In fact, I noticed one very common factor among the descriptions and actions in this fic: many, many of them have some reference to food, tastes, and/or eating. I know sex and sex acts can be described with food/eating metaphors... but seriously, reading this is enough to make you hungry for Strawberry Creme Link a la Mode. I even went so far as to actually count how many such references were in the fic. My approximation is forty-one. That's... a lot.

Of course, this isn't the only thing going against this work: there's bad characterization and laugh-out-loud unbelievable plot bits too. But the descriptions, and reading through all of them, is what makes this piece the inadvertent work of comedy gold that it is.

So, let's get started already! We begin about where the end of Zelda OoT would be occuring, but being a semi-AU fic, this isn't gonna be any normal happy ending, nosiree!

His hair, spun gold, flaxen silk pressed beyond value; his eyes, great sapphires, cool and mute where they examine my broad chest uncompromisingly; his lithe muscles, eddies of cream flesh whirling and rippling to unblemished art, all of which are never to be lost within my fevered brain.

That sentence alone should be enough to prove my point about the adjective overuse: there's just so many of them that it's difficult to figure out just what sort of point the author wants to make. That and hearing muscles described as EDDIES OF CREAM FLESH (haha) is a little distracting.

Nayru was, most certainly, a goddess of love, lust, and all things masculine, just to craft with trembling slips of holy hands that tender bulge hiding beneath sweaty, dirty flannel... He reeks of maleness, his perspiration a spicy wine, the musk of his determination utterly intoxicating...

...and the beginning of our in-sentence contradictions. Nayru is indeed a goddess in the Zelda mythos, but I must say it's pretty hard to imagine a GODDESS representing MASCULINITY. Maybe Nayru's been a drag queen all along.

When the author says he reeks of maleness, does anyone else conjure up the scent and image of a fat, unshaven redneck, sitting in the trailer drinking a beer and giving off fumes as he watches the big game on TV? Maybe it's just me.

So yeah, that's the first paragraph. Trust me, it only gets better... er, worse from here. After all, the fic's about to start up with all the eating imagery. Oh boy.

My pallid tongue dabs at suddenly-dry lips, for wonder of his nipple's flavor. "Link..." the voice slipping betwixt them is husky, rumbling, but my opening remarks fall flat upon his glacial eyes. Conquest of Hyrule's verdant lands seem apathetic now, and I seek only conquest of those glossy lips, to taste soft gum, glistening enamel, and candied tongue...

Rebel Toy: "for wonder of his nipple's flavor." <-- milk-flavored candy isn't popular ONLY in Asia! :D

Ganon's willing to forget that whole conquering Hyrule business to concentrate on imagining a hearty dessert of Link Meringue Pie. Mmmmmmmmm, tasty.

From here, there's about three or four paragraphs which describe him walking toward Link, and are dragged out to such length through excessive use of adjectives. I especially like this one:

Boot-tip touches marbled floor, just as crimson robe scrapes gratingly incandescent shards glaring sunset against the indifferent torchlight.

Y'see that? Apparently the annoying shards are staring angrily at the torchlight, who's sitting there saying, "Eh, screw it. I need a beer." Somehow I don't think the adjective and verb choices here were the best. They weren't even NECESSARY.

Reading on, Ganon ogles Link some more and thinks about his sweet, chocolatey filling. He wants to say something to Link, but stops. Why? Because he is too proud of himself, that's why!

No! Never! Much renowned of gorgeously Arabesque countenance and eyes of scorching copper, one could easily argue my being quite the pretty thing for all my masculinity. My taut figure ripples the cool waters of all things male, just as the cinder lengths of my hair fall gleaming and pleasing towards both sexes. I am not so easily affected by beauty, of any kind, for I am the very pylon streaking across loveliness' polychromatic sky! I am a seducer, no mere toy of Nayru or any 'love god'.

So according to the author, Ganon is SO SEXY that neither man nor woman can possibly resist his studly, studly bod. For those of you who haven't played OoT, here's what Ganon looks like in the game.

DAY-YAM. What a sexy bitch! I am SO TURNED ON that I am MELTING IN MY SEAT AS I TYPE. Who out there wouldn't want a piece of his hulking, crazed, greenish manliness?

RT: "My taut figure ripples the cool waters of all things male" <-- .............. *dies laughing*
RT: DUDE
RT: THIS HAS TO BE A JOKE FIC
GH: It's not.
RT: THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A REAL FIC
RT: I WILL NOT BELIEVE IT

Just away from his reach's furthest extent, I cross my arms and laugh deeply, bemusedly, and utterly hollowly, for, despite all my arrogant talk, I very much would give anything to enter his smooth, creamy buttocks, to chance bursting the brazen pebbles of his nipples in my appraising pinch. "I mean not... any... ill intent," I pause, so as to keep from stammering. "I meant only..." My cheeks burn.
"You meant only...?" the question hangs still in the dust-choked air, his legendary blade still trained towards my downcast eyes.
"I meant only to love you."

Now Link's a Twinkie. Gotta love that SMOOOOOOOOOOOTH CREAMY FILLING! Of course, one could say that he'll have some other smooth, creamy filling very soon, too... *rimshot* Pop-the-brazen-nipples sounds like it would make a killer new party game, too.

And guess what? Underneath that shell of a crazed evil villian, all Ganon wants is WUV. Everybody knows villians are only evil because they don't have a little boy-toy to call their own.

OK folks, just to prepare you, we're going to read something here that will probably make you fall out of your computer chair laughing. Be sure you fully swallow that last swig of Moutain Dew, cause-

"You've grown these past seven years, kid," I tumble through speech, attempting to, in some small way, assume a modicum of the old confidence. "I admired your spunk, I'll admit it... But now..."
"But now, I'd rather taste your spunk than admire it."

BAM. Where the HELL did that come from? We go straight from ogling Link's impeccable, confused "masculine" frame to suddenly declaring that "I want to guzzle your cum, boy!" Amazing!

"No..." Link mutters, rationalizing all-too-late, "I-I... Zelda... I've fought so long for her..."
...my throaty whisper into the elven-tipped lobe of his hear are capped with the most affectionate of kisses, "How has she thus far repaid you, huh? Hiding from you behind a mask! Stealing seven years of your life!"
"I am the evil before you; she is the evil behind your back... Which of us will you embrace?"

Going through other Zelda yaoi, I've noticed that Relena-ization of Zelda as an evil controlling bitch who wants to destroy Link's true love for whoever is a VERY common theme. Even when Link is paired with a now-male Sheik, who actually IS a disguised Zelda in canon. Um, right.

The silence following is unbearably long. My fevered mind races at his wordless, pained expression... Perhaps I've been too rough? Perhaps I were to make him weep? How could I ever, ever hope to repay those busted sapphires, the iridisence forever crushed, his dreams forever snuffed? How could I ever hope for love from one such as him?

Take a moment to remind yourself that this is GANONDORF here. You know... ruthless, evil, power-hungry king of theives? Yes, and he's now DEATHLY AFRAID that he has hurt Link's PRECIOUS FEELINGS.

But guess what - Link gives him a smooch! He loves Ganon now! Why? Who cares! Time for hot monkey sex!

...the boy-child clasping to my side represents Hyrule's final conquest, the frigid bitch Zelda's ultimate ruination, and the overall glory of former foes.
As for Link, beloved Link, flaxen Link of azure eye and sweaty skin, his dusty travelling clothes have long since been stripped and cast away, as have all my thick armor and torn leathers. I stand towering before him, the two of us naked before each other, our masculinities throbbing, expecting...

Take special note of the descriptors used above, and what has come before. Link is a boy-child, albeit a very sweaty, musky, masculine boy-child who is SMOOTH AND CREAMY, just like butter!

Dropping to one knee, my hungry lips seek his palm and linger there, reluctant to ever part from that curiously supple and creamy flesh. Nevertheless, my husky voice chokes out the words, "Link... I would yet have you for a bride... I beg of you on stooped knee, before Nayru, most devious of the goddesses, to recant our sworn rivalry, and wear my ring." Wrought within that iron circlet is the Gerudo seal... MY seal, placed upon all those in my service, of my propriety...

The first sentence speaks for itself, really - by this point in reading I've got a hungerin' for some frosted brownies. Moist and creamy, just like Link!

But read on and see that... THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED IN AN IMPROMPTU CEREMONY. This is because they have REALLY DEEPLY LOVED EACH OTHER ALL ALONG and only recognized it about 5 minutes ago.

Sooner or later, I suppose, Link and Ganon will be lying in bed together watching the evening news and wearing their new, reforged Gerudo heart-shaped gold wedding rings. (I wonder if they'd have hyphenated last names, too?)

The brine of his sweat is as candy to my indfferent tongue; his broad, powerful shoulders seem as though a rounded maiden's, just as his winded breaths seem more a maiden's than a warrior's.

Yeah, so, um... remember all those times the author described Link as "masculine" before? Forget all that, because now they're "married" and somebody has to be the girly uke wife. Which is Link. So, in a mere paragraph Link goes straight from musky male model to a maiden with a "manhood."

I lowered myself upon his dream-like face, my lips tracing the smoothness of his eyelids, the power of his throat and chest, the sweetness of his abs and navel, in which I swirled my pallid tongue, then scooped into my torrid mouth his pulsing member, chancing a suckling stroke against his flawless helm, proceeding down his average but excellent length hungrily.

Boyfriend: Yeah, baby, what do you think? Pretty impressive, huh? I bet you're... pretty impressed.
Girlfriend: Oh my. How... average.
Boyfriend: A... average? You mean... I'm only...
Girlfriend: Wait, you're still EXCELLENT, really!
Boyfriend: *cries*

My ministrations, though newfound, are inherently expert, and he spends himself within my thirsty throat in a matter of minutes, surrendering both to unparalleled ecstasy and the cool, sweat-soaked sheets, biting the tip of his forefinger to keep from screaming his love... All his affection pours forth in my name, "Ganondorf..."
I remind him eagerly of his husband's dire need, and, with little hesitation, his legs spread wide in welcoming his lover, his master. Asking softly after his safety at the length of my piece, he firmly shakes his head and squeezes about my waste with his own strong thighs, prompting my entrance and my hands siezing upon his chest and brazen nipples, the only darkened spots on his otherwise-unblemished figure.

Wait, these ministrations are newfound, but I thought Ganon was such a desirable piece of man-meat that no guy could resist him? Everything this story said before seemed to indicate that he was very experienced before this. Make up your mind already, fic!

But we now also see their relationship spelled clearly out for us: Ganon as big beefy controlling "husband" seme and Link as the doeful, soft, fluffy-textured-with-pudding-in-the-middle "wife" uke.

It's "waist," BTW. That misspelling can give a particularly disturbing image.

Building up, as before, a steady rhythm, it pains me to see him biting back his cries, to see him clenching sheet and pillow, whatever softness could still the massive, horned thing pumping away inside of him, but eventually this does little to stem my lust, my arid passion, as it builds faster and careless, bringing with it the wails of my partner, slamming him gently into the bed with each quivering thrust.

Wait - so Ganon's penis has HORNS? I know there are dildos ribbed with all kinds of weird and scary shit, but that's the first time I've ever heard of a true penis with such, erm, attachments.

Oh God. This fic is making me think of what Ganon's schlong looks like. I need to bake my head in the oven now.

Also, he is GENTLY SLAMMING link. Can anyone think of a time when something, anything, has been GENTLY SLAMMED?

I collapse upon him, my seed spilling fruitlessly throughout him, whilst his emptied, half-
hardened stickiness spasms the last of its juice against my belly... Recalling my stupid, stupid play at him, my undermining of his feelings, the very reason that he cast Zelda aside and fled into my arms, tears begin to well up, and I draw him near me, kissing fatherly the forehead nestled up at the crook of my neck.
"I'm sorry..." the words come, strangled mercilessly in a sob. "I didn't mean..."
He shushes me, a finger to his glossly lips, sweat fraying his golden locks and pasting our hair together, as our faces are merely inches apart... "Ganondorf, I... I love you..." the words are whispered alongside a satisfied (although pained) earnestness.

Touchy-feely!Ganon returns, but I'm not sure why, exactly. It seems like he's feeling sorry for toying with the feelings of his sweet little ice-cream boy. Not like things like that ever bothered him in the past, when he was EvilConqueror!Ganon. But he's CRYING. GANON IS CRYING. Seriously, can anyone picture Ganon crying sparkly emotional tears without, at the very least, giggling like an insane schoolgirl?

Pressing him to me, I can recall little else of our first night, save only that we fell under sleep's spell in total bliss, complete fulfillment, and unparalleled happiness. Though I consider myself certainly the 'husband' in our relationship, he branded me just as much his with those four little words than did all my yearning, all my bravery in my approach, and all my cleverness in stealing him away from Zelda. I shall always burn for Link for his caring, scalding brand, just as he shall always burn for me. Love, I believe, is a fiery thing, though the most satisfying of all my endeavors, with Link both my favorite conquest... and conqueror.

The two were just absolutely MADE for each other, don't you agree? I feel like I have something burning in me too... indigestion from all the snacks this fic made me want to eat. Ugh. Seriously, this sort of yaoi simply can't be part of a healthy diet.

Well, that's a good portion of the fic, but there's a lot more descriptive silliness I didn't include. For the best experience, click the link above and read the whole thing from the beginning. Preferably with friends, and maybe even a wee bit of alcohol.

I realize that maybe a few of our loyal male readers out there might not be fully able to appreciate the hilarity of the preceding work due to a general disinterest in yaoi. Well, that's perfectly understandable, I can symphathise. So, for your further amusement, here is another work of PURE COMEDY. This fic is an ESL lemon based on DoAX, in which Zack spontenously turns into a beast capable of producing "lech monsters" and tentacles, then kidnaps all the DoA girls and makes his island over into "Rapeland." While looking over this thing, I had to stop and remind myself MANY TIMES that this was not a jokefic. Then I got up to the part about Zack's "penis-zilla" and I almost collapsed from laughing so hard. Yes, this fic is also VERY SPECIAL.

As for closing comments on Burning For You... well, at least Link wasn't screwing NES-era Pigman!Ganon. Now THAT would be enough to make me upchuck my tasty wafers with extra Link in the center.

keepin' you satisfied with a guest review!

Tue, 17 Jun 2003 01:19:44 GMT

FFX :: Scratching the Surface
Guest-Reviewed by VoidStar
SCORING:
PLOT: 1/5
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5
WRITING: 1/5
INEXPLICABLE VILLIFYING OF A MINOR CHARACTER: 10/5

VoidStar here--semi-longtime reader, first-time Ficbitcher. But as a great lover of bad fanfiction, it was probably inevitable that I'd give it a shot. I hope you all enjoy this effort!

Submitted for your approval: a piece of Final Fantasy X yuri, featuring the pairing of Lulu and Rikku. Neither of these things really give an indication of how amazingly, offensively bad this story is.

Gleaning yuri innuendo from FFX is, in this reviewer's humble opinion, not the most difficult thing in the world to do. And the Lulu/Rikku pairing, while perhaps less likely than some, is not completely implausible. You could work with Rikku's yearning to be like Lulu, for instance--her attraction to Lulu's calmness and maturity.

But this is not about what could have been, but rather what is, and what this story is is horrid. (It is also, I should note, an ongoing work. This review is based on the first of the three chapters that have been posted so far.) Rather than
working with what the game already provides, the author has decided to strike out in a bizarre direction all her own. The first chapter opens with Rikku being somewhat in character, but don't be fooled!

“Ahhh!” Rikku screamed into the dead of night as a flash of lightning and the dull roar of thunder sounded in the distance. Gripping at her bed sheets the blonde Al-Bhed whimpered into the total darkness of her room as the noises crept into her bittersweet dreams.

For those of you who have yet to play FFX and are reading along anyway, Rikku has a long-standing fear of thunder and lightning, thanks to her brother hitting her with a lightning spell by mistake when she was younger. This incident is fairly cut-and-dried: Rikku was being attacked by a monster, her brother tried to help and screwed up, Rikku came out of the scrape somewhat traumatized. Her fear of lightning is brought up all of once in the entire game, and is more comic relief than anything else. Unfortunately for us, the author has decided to latch on to this particular facet of Rikku's past and transform it into Something More.

Speaking of transforming things into Something More, this author has the annoying stylistic habit of pumping her prose full of needlessly big words and analogies, possibly in an attempt to make the story seem "poetic", or perhaps to conceal her inability to grasp the finer points of punctuation, grammar, and syntax. If you've never heard the term "purple prose" before, this story is more or less an instruction manual in how to write the stuff. From the first chapter alone, we have this gem:

Sniffling lightly the blonde Al-Bhed reclaimed Lulu’s waist and tightly drew the older woman close to her small body for both comfort and warmth both of which she was lacking at the moment, and instinctively interlocked her long legs with at Lulu’s.

And that's only four paragraphs in. This example also brings us back to the rather rapid progression of the plot. Lulu has come to Rikku's room to try and help Rikku sleep better. Although I suppose I could see her checking in on Rikku or something, I can't really see her getting as immediately touchy-feely as she does--Lulu's really only that affectionate with Yuna, the heroine of FFX. But the author has her stroking Rikku's hair. She also has Rikku react by leaping into Lulu's lap, and when even this is not enough to quiet Rikku down, Lulu actually crawls into bed with her, which in turn leads to the sentence quoted above.

So now, two characters with pretty much zero in the way of physical contact over the course of the game are lying in bed together, legs "interlocked" as though it were nothing at all unusual. They lie this way for a while, and in the ensuing conversation it's established that Lulu slipping into Rikku's room at night and snuggling her when she has nightmares is
apparently something that happens fairly often.

And yet, this jarring warp into the Cuddly Zone is really only the beginning, for the true thrust of Scratching the Surface lies in its author's vision of what really happened when Rikku got clocked by that lightning spell. After a brief conversation that, like the opening paragraph, flirts with the idea of being in-character--Rikku notes that she wants to start learning magic, in order to emulate Lulu, and perhaps to eliminate some of her phobia--Lulu decides to start digging into Rikku's past. This is another bit where the author's style really shines. And by "shines" I mean "confuses and angers any halfway sane reader."

“Rikku I have to ask you a question, and it maybe a little prying but I must know for certain, just to ease my own mind if nothing else.” Declared Lulu in a serious tone that could have chilled even Shiva to the core, Rikku nodded and she shivered from both the storm and the older woman’s sudden change in demeanor.

Since we've already established that this author has stylistic problems in the worst possible way, I'll focus my ire towards this example on Lulu's mood swing. I mean, seriously, what the Hell? Why the shift from tender and comforting to coldhearted? Is
this really the best way to go about asking a potentially sensitive question about a person's past? Sure, Lulu can be a little aloof, but she's not incapable of tenderness or delicacy. Besides, isn't the story trying to lead us to believe that she and Rikku are all lovey-dovey close now, thus making the sudden frigid tone all the more incomprehensible?

But at any rate, it seems as though Lulu has perceived something deeper than a mere fear of the elements in Rikku's storm phobia. It's obvious to her that Rikku is "in pain" somehow. Aaaah, but how? What could she be hiding? Well...

“I…I don’t really remember much after it happened. Its all fuzzy, like a bad dream.” The blonde stated with a far away look in her eyes, Lulu could feel the younger girl trembling against her body as if she were frozen to the morrow of her bones.

Uh-oh, it seems we're repressing things. C'mon, Rikku, spill the beans!

"...I started to have a good time, until the fiend showed up. Brother saw it coming before I had a chance to swim away, and he…he raised his hand and lightning struck the water fiend but the electricity current traveled and zapped me too. It gets hazy after that, I just remember brother pulling me on the shore and….”

Okay, so far so good, this is pretty much in line with what's already been established...

“Lulu, brother wouldn’t have done what I remember him doing. He just wouldn’t, I know my brother and I know he isn’t like that.”

...What?

“I remember him pulling my shirt off my body leaving me in my bra, then…I remember him looking around nervously and telling me to relax because he was just checking my injuries. But, that wasn’t what he was doing."

DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

I will spare you the rest of the gory details (mainly because the remaining portion of the paragraph is too damned long), but I think you can all figure it out on your own: Rikku's brother took advantage of her incapacitated state and raped her.

Now, far be it from me to say that people shouldn't write stories about delicate, traumatic subjects like rape. Far be it from me to suggest that a story in which rape is actually portrayed as an act of violation as opposed to an aggressive romantic overture (a far more common problem in slash than you might think) is a bad thing. But this shit just don't fly, you dig? Rikku's brother doesn't get much characterization in FFX, but none of what he does get even remotely suggests that he'd be capable of brutally (and I mean brutally, the author has him beat her pretty badly) raping his younger sister and then intimidating her into keeping it a secret for years. I mean, if you're going to make a character into a rapist, choose one who might actually conceivably commit rape. The only member of the FFX cast I could see doing that would be Seymour, but it would be all but impossible to contrive a situation in which he and Rikku would be alone for long enough for him to do the vile deed, I suppose. I think it's more likely that the author simply didn't like Brother and decided that was all the justification she needed.

That ties in with the second major objection I have, which is the fact that the only purpose the rape serves in the storyline is to push Rikku and Lulu closer together. This is not about exploring the damaged mental landscape of a rape victim, this is not an inspiring tale of recovery from a truly horrific crime--this is all about pushing Lulu into comforting Rikku, and using that as a launchpad for a rocket bound straight for the Bad Yuri Planet.

Anyway, Lulu ends up spending the night in Rikku's room. The author scores a few fractions of a point for not making Rikku and Lulu indulge in Comfort Sex right then and there--rare restraint indeed, but unfortunately not enough to deflect the fiery train
wreck bearing down upon an orphanage that is this fanfic.

We cut to the next day, where we are treated to a brief interlude in which Wakka catches the two sleeping in each other's arms and bitches out Rikku and Lulu both, making the reasonable assumption that they'd been screwing around. Hell, that's what I
assumed they were going to be doing, what with all the hot hot leg-interlocking in the first scene. The author saddles Wakka with a prejudice against homosexuals to go with his prejudice against the Al-Bhed, which makes me roll my eyes a bit, but Wakka is a rather socially conservative sort. So I can let it go.

Once Wakka leaves, Rikku asks Lulu what he meant by a certain term--"screwing." Lulu explains, and Rikku is horrified; apparently, she equates all sex with rape. (GEE, I WONDER IF THIS IS SETTING UP A SCENE IN WHICH LULU TEACHES HER OTHERWISE) Mercifully, Lulu tells Rikku that she's wrong, but that she shouldn't rush herself to learn the difference. Pretty sensible advice. Of course, "sensibility" in this story can never last longer than half a paragraph. Rikku gives Lulu a kiss out of nowhere, announcing that she wanted Lulu to be the first person she kissed. Lulu replies that she wants Rikku all to herself. Um, gee, coming on a bit strong with someone who's never had a real relationship before and almost certainly has a great big raft of trust issues thanks to being assaulted by a family member, aren't we? Rikku vows to never leave Lulu's side (Lulu's greatest nightmare is being left alone, apparently), and the best damned set of sentences in the whole chapter gets thrown at us:

“Because you never know when someone will fall in love with that smile.” Rikku declared softly as she placed soft kisses under Lulu’s ear, and across her neck until she lightly brushed her lips over the older woman’s chin and finally pressed against the mage’s mouth with a sealing kiss of her promise. A light blush rose up in both guardians faces as they deepened the embrace making silent vows of never ending love, suddenly a gasp spun both Lulu and Rikku out of their blissful moment of complete union.

That's right, sharing traumas makes you soul mates. Honestly, is there any romantic cliche more loathsome and insipid than "love comes out of fucking nowhere?" (Not to be confused with "love at first sight.")

Thankfully, the first chapter is drawing to a close, and now that Lulu and Rikku have bonded over how evil Rikku's brother is, the author is safe to spend the rest of the fic plotting his demise and writing "cute" sex scenes. The rest of the chapter focuses on the latter. Yuna catches the two kissing, gets embarrassed, and runs off. For some reason, this leads to some intense Lulu-on-Rikku tickling, which leads quickly to sex. The chapter ends before any details are shared, but...yeah, let's recap: Rikku relates her tale of violation and suffering at her brother's hands to Lulu; the next day, we learn that Rikku does not understand the difference between rape and consensual sex; later that same day, Lulu is teaching her the ways of a worldly woman.

I read all three chapters and was going to try and review them all, but they're loooong chapters, and pointing out the idiocy of the first was taxing enough. Suffice to say, Scratching the Surface combines the great cliches of bad slash with a
hilariously bad writing style, painfully bad characterization, and an (un)healthy dose of trivializing the effects of rape to produce quite a potent package of bad fanfiction. If you're brave, all three chapters can be found at the link above. I leave you, then, with a selection from the author's notes at the end.

So what did you think, I am planning on writing a follow up to this story and oh yes, Rikku will know how to make love by that time.

Is that a threat or a promise? Either way, it only gets worse from here, folks. Enjoy!

Pornography As A Snack Cake.

Sat, 14 Jun 2003 09:37:50 GMT

Final Fantasy 8 :: Whatcha Gonna Do With A Cowboy?
Reviewed By: Lunar Love

SCORING:
CHARACTERIZATION: 3/5 (yes... and no.)
PLOT: 2/5 (the setup requires plotting; the rest requires merely porn)
WRITING: 4/5 (well-written. very well-written indeed. squirm.)
CALORIES IN A MASS-PRODUCED CREAM-FILLED GOLDEN SPONGE CAKE: 150/5

Extraordinarily belated greetings from our new Lair of Ultimate Evil on LiveJournal, O Gentle Reader! Or so some would have it, and certainly I have nothing better to do than wear black leather and cackle evilly with my compatriots while digging my long crimson talons into the quivering gelatinous souls of helpless teenaged girls. Gelatine makes nails strong and healthy, you understand.

Alas, however, today's review is not a simple outpouring of spleen (although both you and I do so enjoy such things). No, indeed, today I grant you a rare glimpse into what makes Lunar Love tick. Aren't you the lucky one?

There will, of course, be spoilers for Final Fantasy 8 contained herein. By this point, spoiling Final Fantasy 8 is akin to spoiling 'Little Red Riding Hood': if you actually find someone who is genuinely surprised that Red and her grandmother survive at the end, or that Squall and Rinoa find Twoo Wuv, capture them in a net and keep them under glass, for they're a rare creature indeed.

Now, then.

I first found this fanfic while making a wide sweep through our beloved fanfiction.net, back before they so metaphorically castrated themselves - for what else do you call it when someone removes all their genitalia? But I digress, as is my wont.

Amidst all that nauseous dreck masquerading as yaoi (Squall has had his buttocks cleft so very many times - by so very many people - that those tight leather pants must now contain the human equivalent of the Holland Tunnel, complete with flickering fluorescent lights and orange traffic cones), I found this story. And I was glad to find it, Gentle Reader. Very glad. So very glad, in fact, that when the castration was imminent I spent a good hour or so finding this story again, and locating its true home, so that I might have it to read again. And eventually to bitch about, of course, because love is a fickle, fickle thing, and so am I.

Allow me to sum up the plot of this fic for you: Irvine, that naughty and apparently sexually indiscriminate cowboy, has contrived to sleep with Zell, Squall, and Seifer without any of them suspecting that he is less than faithful. As the story opens, Selphie remonstrates with Irvine for his man-whorish ways and asks him how long he thinks he can keep this up.
Prophetic words, these, Gentle Reader. After blowing off Selphie's fears with a casual 'I can handle it' (and spending a good page or so rhapsodizing to himself about how he became involved with each man and how different they all were), Irvine returns to his room, only to find all three of his cuckolded 'spouses' waiting for him inside with various knowing expressions on their faces. The jig, as they say, is up.
Need I go on? Of course not. Let us just say that Irvine gets what is coming to him, many times, in many ways, and leave it there, shall we?

Let us first examine the many things that this story has done well.

The yaoi itself is well, well done, and I style myself a connoisseur of yaoi - not without some reason. So very much fanfic porn could not turn on so much as a lamp, Gentle Reader, and while I did not precisely read this story with one hand down my Lunar Panties, I did find myself squirming a bit. So: points for effective smut.

The author also overcomes that most basic of yaoi problems - the Pronoun Problem - with flair. Despite the fact that there are not two but four different 'hims' participating, I never once got confused over whom she was referring to, thanks to copious applications of such terms as 'the cowboy', 'the martial artist', and 'the asshole' - no, no, I lie about the last one. The author neither confuses the reader with indiscriminate himming nor names us to death. So: points for effective distinction.

Bodily terminology was neither excessively flowery and euphemistic nor excessively - I suppose 'gynecological' is a bit of a misnomer - clinical. So: points for effective genitalia.

The dialogue flowed well, and I could easily tell one character from another by their traits and habits. So: points for effective writing.

In fact, all in all, I would have to say that this story left me with only one major quibble (and its associated minor quibblets). Alas, it is a large one:

Why was this story deemed necessary at all?

No, no, there's no need to rush down to the comments section and tell me, Gentle Reader. I freely admit that the question is largely rhetorical - as a connoisseur, I know very well why people deem yaoi like this necessary. I sense that the author's mental processes must have run along these lines:

"Oh, these boys are all so hot! Which ones should I pair up for my next fic? Squall and Seifer? Squall and Zell? Irvine and Zell? Oh, wouldn't it be great if I could just write smut with all of them in it instead of having to choose? ... and why not? I think I will! It'll be so hot!"

Fair enough, as far as it goes. In the past my fellow bitches and I have seen smut that curls our hair, melts our makeup, cracks our pelvises, and bursts our eardrums; a mere foursome of toothsome male humans isn't likely to make us blink an eye. To the author I say: if it pleases you to write four erections in a bed - and apparently it did, and probably still does - more power to you, and may you continue to write whatever pleases you for as long as you wish, for you wrote it well, as far as it goes. And as long as you continue to write it, I shall be there to read it.

However, when one strips away distracting little details like orgasms, one is left with a situation that I find somewhere between unbelievable and ludicrous. The author has sufficient skill that, if she had chosen to write about a single pairing, any pairing, I would have believed her wholeheartedly. The tiny paragraphs she gives us telling us how each seduction began are quite well thought out. But all three pairings at once? Rendering a good half the cast not only bi-possibly-homo-sexual at a single stroke, but also more than willing to take part in a miniature gay orgy? It may certainly be titillating - goodness knows I found it so - but I cannot give it that much benefit of the doubt, Gentle Reader. Alas, a failing of mine, I admit it.

Gay and lesbian activists in our world tell us that ten percent of the population is gay, and while this is certainly a hotly-contested statistic, it's also one that I, personally, find reasonable. Let us assume, then, that the ten percent rule is true, and is true for the world of Final Fantasy 8, as well.

Let us consider the male characters available, shall we? In the party, we have Squall, Irvine, and Zell. In the other party, we have Laguna, Kiros, and Ward. We also have Seifer, and we have Headmaster Cid. And, just to make my numbers nice and round, let us add Raijin and Nida. There. Ten men. Now, according to the ten percent rule, one of them would be gay. Since Lunar Love is, in fact, a geek of the highest stripe, she has here a pearly red ten-sided die filched out of her own personal handmade dice bag; let us ask it which one is gay.

We roll a nine. (For those of you who wish to pick my Lunar Nits, I state for the record that I did, indeed, fetch and roll a ten-sided die. Indeed, I am an extraordinarily thorough geek.) So, therefore, the ten-sided die informs us that Raijin is gay. Now, I suppose one could write fic in which Raijin was masturbating and thinking about Seifer, but how many of those could one person read before going quite mad? So we make Seifer bisexual, and then many hijinks can be had - but look! by doing so we have changed the ten percent to fifteen percent! Were we to make him gay, twenty percent! Were we to throw them a juicy naked Squall, thirty percent!

Now, then, to my point, and I assure you that I had one. By piling four of our cast members into a SeeD bed and making them have sex, she has rendered forty percent of the male cast, and by perfectly ludicrous extension (do not try this at home, Gentle Reader) forty percent of the entire world, gay (or, yes, thank you, Lunar Nitpickers, bisexual). That I cannot accept. That I cannot buy.

Why am I making such a fuss over this, you might ask? It's only fanfiction, after all. It's only a titillating little fantasy written to please the author and perhaps a few of her closest friends, not a grand statement on homosexuality. And you would, in fact, be correct. But the discrepancy gnaws at me, Gentle Reader. As much as I may enjoy reading the story, five minutes after I put it down the assumptions therein make me roll my eyes. This fic - like so many others - is the yaoi version of a Twinkie. It's good while you're eating it, and it's oh so pleasant going down, but it leaves an odd chemical taste in one's mouth afterwards as the dubious ingredients make themselves known.

If not-so-simple homosexual pornography is what you're after, this fanfic is very close to perfect. If a realistic and believable look at the world of Final Fantasy 8 is your goal, look elsewhere. And here we come to the crux of my argument, and the main reason I take such issue with fics like this (tick!): I would like very much to believe that terrific smut and believable characterization are not mutually exclusive. I would like very much to read sizzling-hot yaoi fic that I can also believe in right down to the darkest corners of my shriveled little soul. Unfortunately, writing a yaoi foursome is a daunting task in and of itself, and there are very few fandoms - note I did not say none! - in which it can be reconciled with believable characterization. Final Fantasy 8 is most certainly not one of them.

Our author, when faced with this choice, sided with the yaoi instead of the characterization. I cannot blame her; in many ways I am happy that she did so; but in the end, it is just another anonymous fuckfic with four nameless men wearing Final Fantasy 8 character masks. It is a testament to her skill that the masks are as well-made as they are, but that is all they are. Masks.

That is her prerogative. And here, in our new home, bitching about it is mine.

I suppose it is also possible that our erstwhile author played a different version of Final Fantasy 8 than I did. Perhaps there was a Yaoi Fangirl Version available that I did not get. If so, Gentle Reader, I am off to eBay, for there is a slobbering little Lunar Pervert deep in my head who longs for this fic to be true.

a call to arms, or something like that

Thu, 12 Jun 2003 02:41:09 GMT

Pink Freak here. Y'all are going to know me more for my administrative posts than for my reviews, I swear.

Anyway, Leather Daddy and Gunstar Heroine and I were discussing the idea of opening a little online store to sell some Slap To The Head-related merchandise, just like all good websites eventually do. The idea is to bring in a little bit of cash to offset the menial costs of running this site, and also to create some sort of shirt or other merchandise that people would actually want.

But we realized something - we don't actually have a logo nor witty designs that don't violate someone's copyright. So that's where you guys come in. Design a logo for us and email it to slap_us AT hotmail DOT com. We'll vote on all the logos that we receive, and the best one (or maybe two or three) will be used on our ~~blatant money-whoring~~ fine commemorative merchandise.

OK TO PUT ON THE LOGO (or on shirt designs):
- Slap To The Head or "ficbitches" or any of the ficbitches' handles
- any of the ficbitches' personal witticisms, if you have a favorite or something like that
- original art or witticisms
- anything else that isn't something we've asked you not to use

PLEASE DON'T USE:
- snippets from any fic we've reviewed (they may be bad, but that doesn't mean we can use the fics to make money)
- copyrighted images of people, characters, or otherwise
- fanart of copyrighted characters, even if you drew it yourself

We'll set a deadline if there seems to be a need for one, otherwise we'll just cut off the submissions if we get too many.

Happy designing!

ADDENDUM FROM GH: *PLEASE* send your image submissions as JPG files. BMPs are WAY too big and clog our poor little inbox. You don't want to hurt the BitchBox, do you?

Where's the beef?

Wed, 11 Jun 2003 04:51:10 GMT

Skies of Arcadia :: Help! I'm Stuck In a Box!
Reviewed by : Gunstar Heroine

PLOT: 0
CHARACTERIZATION: 0
WRITING: 0
SUBSTANCE: 0
(This whole fic is like some weird sort of zen exercise, I think.)

One of the most irritating trends on FF.net recently has to be the "randomness" fic. I'm sure you've all seen this sort of thing: the author spews out assorted nonsensical garbage that's accumulated in their brain, which has nothing to do with anything whatsoever, and then attaches characters from an established series to it.

Today, I'm finally bitching one, just to get the message out to people that THESE THINGS HAVE NO POINT AND CONTRIBUTE NOTHING TO YOUR FANDOM OR TO THE INTERNET IN GENERAL. Not to mention they're supposed to be funny, but 99.9% of the time just leave readers wondering why they bothered to read it in the first place.

This fic is (mercifully) short but incredibly annoying in its mere existence. Just think, if all the time and effort spent writing all these exercises in stupidity were spent on writing a REAL fic with good stuff like plot and characterization, ff.net would be quite a bit less painful than it is now.

For those who are unfamiliar, Skies of Arcadia is an *EXCELLENT* Dreamcast and GameCube RPG from Sega about swashbuckling pirates in a world where islands, continents, ships, and creatures all float high in the sky. Two air pirates, Vyse and Aika, along with Fina (the obligatory mysterious girl), are dragged into a plot which seems cliched at first, but evolves into a huge, wonderfully entertaining story with some of the most likable characters to ever grace an RPG. Even the villains have clear motivations and personalities, creating lots and lots of material for fans to expand upon.

I'm Stuck In a Box doesn't use any of these possibilities. Sure, it's about one of the game's most interesting villians, Ramirez, but the Ramirez in the fic has absolutely nothing in common with the Ramirez I encountered in the game. With so much about Ramirez's background unknown and with his mind and emotions so complex, there's potential to write very good character exploration fic. Instead, we are given brainless crap like this.

An ICQ buddy first handed me this fic, asking me why it existed. I looked at it and was hard-pressed to explain why as well. We sat and tried to comprehend it for a moment or two, with him giving his commentary:

...when I think of Ramirez in a box, I think of those infomercials:

"But Charlie, what about those times when your *average* angsty white-haired bishounen villain just won't do?"

"Glad you asked, Mike! I've got the solution right here! Introducing..." (plop!) "Ramirez In a Box!"

(audience "oooooh"s!)

"Wow, Charlie! You mean now I can have my own Ramirez right here at home?"

"That's right, Mike!"

To the culprit behind that: you do not cease to amuse. XD

Anyways, I decided it was about time we finally take on one of these exercises in fanfic futility. You might want to shut your brain off first, as I am not responsible for any damages caused to it.

This little bit of insanity is about Ramirez stuck in a box. It might not be funny, but it's an interesting read! Review please! ~Lady Anubis

Part of this sentence is right, and the other is dead wrong. Can you tell which is which?

Over the course of rereading this fic to comment on it, I found writing snarkiness for this review to be considerably more difficult than usual. The fic pretty much kills ITSELF under the weight of its own nothingness.

It is a strange thing, being trapped in a box. If you move your appendages WHAM! There's the side of the box restraining you. And its frustrating, being cooped up in a box. There is no escape. Just walls and the scent of cardboard.

This actually isn't too bad, besides the punctuation errors, here. But tell me again... what exactly does this have to do with Skies of Arcadia?

And from this point, the fic takes us on a twisting road to ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE.

Many people claim I am insane. Ooooh yes, many fan authors have proclaimed me un-sane. Maybe this being trapped in a box, maybe this will prove to the world the authors are right.

ALERT! ALERT! MASSIVE BREACH OF FOURTH WALL AHEAD! PREPARE FOR IMPACT!

Some of you might be wondering, what is the fourth wall? In that case, here's a pretty good explanation.

But to put it myself, I'd say the fourth wall is the separation between the author/reader/real world and the fictional story. Characters talking to or interacting with the reader (outside of typical first-person POV) or author is "breaching the fourth wall." Usually references to the people reading, or pop-culture/real world references not valid in the fiction world also destroys this concept. In this case, Ramirez knows that fan authors outside his universe say he's insane.

Breaking this fourth wall in almost all kinds of fiction is usually a baaaaaaaaaad thing. It's incredibly disruptive, destroying the illusion of the fictional world the reader has been observing. This isn't always the case though: I've seen stories that somehow involve the awareness of the author/reader, and manage to do it very well. Managing to pull off a fourth wall breach WELL is something only very talented writers seem capable of.

BACK TO MY POINT! You see, after getting killed by Vyse and Co., I've taken up a rather simple life in a box. The afterlife isn't very entertaining, with 500 channels and nothing good to watch. There's the occasional spirit to talk to, and speaking to Galcian does get a little odd, especially his complaining (RAMIREZ! QUIT PEEING ALL OVER THE RUG! DIDN'T THE SILVITE ELDERS POTTY TRAIN YOU?!) But of course those are LIES! ALL LIES!

Point? This fic is supposed to have a point?

And look! POTTY HUMOR IS TEH FUNNIE!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLLOLL!!!!!!!!!!!1111

Actually, if Ramirez were conversing regularly with Galcian in the afterlife, I'd expect them to be in the box doing... well, something other than complaining at each other ^.- I mean, after seeing how VERY VERY CLOSE to each other they were in-game. (I don't think you can deny canon slashiness after seeing one guy bawl and go insane over his comrade.)

Sometimes I go to the oxygen bar and get high on air. Other times I make balloon animals and throw them at unsuspecting victims. At random I will sing Adam Sandler's "Technical Foul" song which amuses me very much. I even beat my head against brick walls. Why? Well dead people don't gotta worry about losing brain cells. For no reason I have been known to jump out windows in fear of garden gnomes. DO YOU SEE WHAT DEATH HAS DONE TO ME?!

And what does this have to do with being in a cardboard box, again? Here we have the author throwing out their own premise so that they can chuck in EVEN MORE dumb crap we don't care about.

Adam Sandler songs? Oh boy, the author did it again.

(DO YOU SEE WHAT THIS FIC HAS DONE TO ME?!)

So with nothing constructive to do, meditating in a cardboard box isn't too bad. Other spirits come along and kick me, some electrocute me with my electric collar, frizz my hair in all directions, squirt me with ketchup, eat my food, take my lunch money, get attacked by my monkey George, steal my sword, use my sword against me, and chuck Nerf balls at my head. So hiding in a box is a good idea. My monkey George protects me.

Ramirez now has a monkey, as the author hath so decreed. Why a monkey? I don't know, but it seems like some people think anything with monkeys automatically = INSTANT HILARITY. I know this is true, because I have a coworker who thinks EXACTLY like that and has voiced this opinion on many occasions. (Everybody else in the office mocks him constantly, I may add. Not exactly the brightest crayon in the box...)

Nerf... major breach number 3. If this fic were a seacraft, it'd be sinking like the Titanic.

This box is so...inspiring. It brings me pleasant memories of Fina, when I locked her in a giant Pepsi can. Now I am no longer a happy Silvite but a solitary being shutting himself in a box. I am like a hermit from the rest of this pathetic world. Locked in a little pocket of joy and peace.

Say hello to another bad pop-culture reference and YET ANOTHER another dumb idea that doesn't go anywhere or belong in the Skies universe. That's major breach #4, but this fic was deep-sixed from the start.

AHHH! MY CARDBOARD BOX HAS BEEN SET ON FIRE!
The End.

Note: No cardboard boxes were harmed in the making of this fan fiction. Ramirez, however, was beaten up, set on fire, had Nerf balls chucked at his head, and was attacked by garden gnomes.

Random ending to a random fic. All you can think about, having finished this, are two things:

1. Why did I waste precious seconds of my life on this?
2. Why did the author waste precious seconds of her life composing this?

The reviews, sadly, don't offer much more hope for humanity:

id sighn in but then i couldn't post this idea i just had,

how about another chapter about Ramirez locking Fina in a giant pepsi can ^ ^
-

HELP.

Sadly, there's THOUSANDS of fics like this on FF.net. Want examples? There's another great effort, Fina Gets Hit By a Car, in this category, a Fatal Frame/Wizard of Oz fic which made Rebel Toy weep in the corner pathetically, as well as the Saiyuki "HIV IS HILARIOUS!" fic Leather Daddy mentioned a while back. It's obvious that if these randomness "fanfics" (I'm hard-pressed to call them that) were wiped from the face of ff.net, mediaminer.org, and all those other unmoderated submission fanfic sites, they would be cleaner, less congested, and at least somewhat higher-quality.

Maybe, if we all hope and pray really, really hard...

A Different kind of babysitter
Dante babysits the kid from hell: Calvin from Calvind and Hobbes. Whether you've read Calvin and Hobbes or not, you'll still love this story

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sailor Moon :: Reflections (At A Tori Amos Concert)

Wed, 04 Jun 2003 05:49:21 GMT

Sailor Moon :: Reflections (At A Tori Amos Concert)
Reviewed by: Leather Daddy

PLOT: 0/5 ("Raye" and "Serena" go to a Tori Amos concert. And uh...discover they're in love.)
CHARACTERIZATION: 2/5 at best (See Raye drink! Drink, Raye, drink! See Serena leer! Leer, Serena, leer!)
WRITING: 3/5
SERENA ON A MAD QUEST FOR BOOBS: 7/5

For this ficbitching, I thought I'd try something a little different - a yuri fic. For those of you who aren't up on your fanfiction slang, this means that thar be lesbians ahead, arrr! If you don't like that, I suggest you skip this review.

There are two basic kinds of yuri fics that I've read. One is the so-called "yuri fic" which is generally written by guys, and serves the same function as old-fashioned "lesbian pr0n." No offense to you guys, but this stuff is pretty hysterical, just as bad as your standard yaoi PWP.

LESBIAN PORN WRITTEN BY GUYS
"It means that her ovaries, maybe even her sexual ejaculate..."
"Sexual ejaculate?" "Pussy cum, Mr. President, pussy cum. It could have powerful Mako properties. However there could be a problem harvesting it's power."
..."(Aki, how many girls actually fancy me?)"
"Hee! Hee! Hee! (ALL OF THEM!)"
"I.... See......" Tifa calmly walked down the ramp, as the girls watched her in quiet amazement. She climbed up onto the table and looked around at the girls. "Well then.....First one to strip me naked, gets a cunt lickin' from me!"
..."(Wow, this is intense, I've never been in an orgy this big!)" The girls started to wrestle for position, as many of them were poking every hole possible on Tifa, as well as licking every square inch of her. At least a dozen fingers and three thungs were inside Tifa's pussy. Her breasts were being sucked so much, they might fall off, she was being groaped in every possible place, and one of the girls was trying to get the most out of a French kiss that she struggled so hard for.
She just couldn't hold it in. She was cumming every 10 seconds, each with it's own orgasm, and the orgasms were getting more powerful each time. Suddenly, the girl kissing Tifa had stopped and was pulled away. in it's place appeared someone's cunt. It was just instinct for Tifa to start to lick it.
(From Rebel Heart, the SEQUEL to Chocobo Nights)

or:

"Hmmm..." Chibi-usa observed wryly. "I don't think that this is any sort of punishment at all." SLAP! SLAP!SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! Again, Tandi shuddered in climax, crying out this time. "You like this, don't you, Tandi?" SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
"Yes," Tandi whispered.
"I can't hear you!" SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
"YES!" Tandi screamed, cumming hard this time, her juices dripping on to the comforter.
(From "Good Girl" by Sunrunner - "a story done on request." Let me note that this fic goes on to involve a dog banging Tandi.)

Hmmm, you get the idea here? Pussy, pussy, splurting pussy-cum, rug-munching, screaming orgasms at the drop of a hat. It's a little bit a case of quantity over quality. And the inborn instinct to lick whatever bodypart someone shoves in your face. You also get the distinct feeling that the writer isn't entirely sure what's down there, so they're deliberately vague. "There's...a cunt...and you lick cunts in lesbo sex...that's all you need to know! Yeah! Duh huh huh..."

Boy, I had fun looking for representative fics! I hope I managed to adequately amuse/horrify you readers.

And now, the flipside. Yuri porn fics written by girls. You'll notice a certain difference from the samples I gave above, but quite honestly, usually it's not much better, just...different. I never thought female writers could be just as stupid about the female body and female characters as male writers, but I was proven wrong repeatedly.

Today's fic, according to the archivist:

Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon
Reflections (At A Tori Amos Concert)
Usagi, Rei, and a concert. By cheebs! NC-17

I stopped and stared at this. Okay. Sailor moon fic. Usagi and Rei. NC-17. Okay, I get it. Usagi and Rei are going to discover lesbianism at a Tori Amos concert. What's next? The Sailor Senshi go to Lilith Fair, where they can hold hands and synchronize their ovulations?

I laughed until I cried.

When I had regained my composure, I clicked the link.

The fic is overall well-written, but the plotting and characterization and the glaring detail mismatches really drag it down. Plus it just SCREAMS "I went to a Tori Amos concert last night, and it was SO BEAUTIFUL, and now I'm going to write a fic about my favorite anime characters going to one too!"

Let me also state at the outset that I'm quite familiar with the Sailor Moon world (what? I'm a girl, I watch anime, we all started somewhere! ^_~) and I don't object to the Usagi/Rei pairing. In fact, I've read some fics about that pairing that I thought were rather poignant since, really, Rei is both canonically too proud to admit when she likes someone (Yuuichiro) and would be quite aware that anything she wanted to do with Usagi would be derailed by the whole Mamoru/Chibi-Usa/Crystal Tokyo thing. So it's not an "ewww, gross, yuri!" thing. I like well-written fic of all types!

And it's not an "ew, gross, porn!" thing either. You all know what I'm capable of reading without batting an eyelash. ^_~

Raye is sleeping in, and Serena (I realized that this fic was based on the North American dub of Sailor Moon, which I guess just proves that the archivist is up on her Sailor Moon?) comes to wake her up. It's reasonably in-character; Serena's whiny and perky, and Raye's grumpy but secretly doesn't dislike Serena as much as she pretends to.

"Hiiiiiiii-eeeeeeeeee!"
The shrill greeting cuts through my head like a knife. Resolving to myself never to drink that much again, I slowly open one eye. "Go away, Serena. I'm sleeping." I pull the blanket over my head.
"Nuh-uh! If you were, you wouldn't be talking to me, would you?" Her weight settles on the bed.

Raye's grandpa sent Serena to wake up Raye, because they have a wedding to wake up at 5:00 pm. Then the Cosmic Yuri-Tron zaps this fic, and we get:

That's enough of that. Now, get up!" Serena boldly rips the blanket from me. I'm glad I hadn't slept nude, as I often do on warm nights. The white cotton tank top and bikini don't cover much, and I feel myself blush. I don't know why. She's seen me transform hundreds of times, and I've seen her. That's Mars and Moon, though, not Raye and Serena. It shouldn't make a difference, but it does.
"Oops!" Her gaze lingers for a moment too long, probably just curiosity.

I keep seeing the screen go all wavy in my mind's eye, and Serena's eyes go blank, and she reaches for Raye's chest, intoning, "Prime Directive: Establish contact with boobus maximus..."

Serena is a bundle of joy because she and Mina are going to see TORI AMOS tonight! Where the hell are they? America? Japan? Raye's still a Shinto priestess, which I can't imagine are easy to find in North America. And she keeps saying "Oh Kami" and "For Kami's sake" - please, authors, if you want to use phrases like this, pick a language and a culture, and stick to it. DO NOT MIX AND MATCH YOUR PHRASES, OKAY?

But hey, okay. They're in North America, and are going to see a Tori Amos concert. Fair enough.

I sit up and my head reels. My stomach threatens to lose whatever is left in it. Serena sees the queasiness in my face and a look of mild concern crosses hers. "Are you okay?"

I nod quickly, instantly wishing I hadn't as the remnants of last night's binge trickle from my mouth and down the flimsy undergarments, making them see-through.

"Oh, Raye...." She makes a clicking sound with her tongue. "I thought you weren't going to drink anymore."

So, essentially Raye has just thrown up all over herself. And instead of being grossed out, Serena is disturbingly used to this scene. When did Raye become a career alcoholic? Oh, right, when the fic author got ahold of her.

Serena sighs and tsks and strips off Raye's filthy shirt and leers at Raye's huge bare breasts. I'm sorry, but I've been that drunk before, and been around people that drunk before, and nobody looks the least bit attractive once they've gotten drunk and passed out and puked all over themselves. I don't think even the Cosmic Yuri-Tron can overpower the smell and sight of vomit on your best friend's heaving bosom. I don't think Raye will be feeling the slightest bit sexy, too; if you've drunk enough to pass out, you'll still be drunk when you wake up, and the overwhelming urge will be to throw up some more. And really, throwing up on the object of your lust isn't a smooth move. This is a fact of life that many people may have learned at college parties.

Then Mina calls and delivers some bad news!

Serena's lips form an oh-so-sexy pout. "Mina can't go tonight. She's grounded for failing another Algebra test."

Suddenly she snaps her fingers. "I've got it!" she exclaims, eyes shining. "Raye, will you go with me?"

"No way." I am careful not to shake my head this time as I am still dizzy from the last time. "Her music's okay, but I hate the way she sings. She sounds like a cat being strangled."

I admit I laughed evilly at that line. I tend to agree with Raye - forgive me, Tori fans.

Serena whines that Tori's voice is TOO good, and Yuuichiro makes his appearance. Yuuichiro, for you non-Sailor-Moon-types, is the scruffy singer who has a crush on Raye and who hangs around at her Grandpa's temple learning...something...from the old man. Yuuichiro whines that Raye got drunk AGAIN, Raye tells him to shut up, Yuuichiro threatens to tell her grandpa, she says Grandpa won't believe it, and then Yuuichiro threatens to tell Raye's DAD. This pisses off Raye in a hurry.

As I recall vaguely, Raye/Rei's dad is a politician or something who basically dumped his kid with her grandfather. He's distant, and never visits her, but that's all we know about him.

When you were young, did you ever have those little capsules you'd throw into hot water and they'd turn into sponge animals? Characters tend to do similar things when dumped into fanfic. Now Raye's absent politician father has become an abusive jerk who slaps his daughter around when she gets arrested for being drunk and disorderly and burning a building down. She nearly breaks his arm for it. This is just gratutious, you ficcers! Being abandoned by a parent is enough to screw up a person, why add the unnecessary spice that he's an abusive jerk too? And besides, with the way Raye's behaving, she needs a good smack upside the head.

So Serena tells Raye to git her ass into the private bathroom and take a shower, accompanied by playful spanks that Raye feels all the way into the shower. Holy crap, Serena must have been putting her entire arm behind the spanks.

Serena: Tee hee, Raye! Go wash up! *Ker-WHACK!*
Raye: *is knocked ass over heels* Oh, you! <3
Serena: Hmmm...I don't think that this is any sort of punishment at all. *SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!*
Raye: A------hhhhh! *orgasms juicily all over the place*
Serena: You like this, don't you, Tandi? I mean, Raye? *SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!*
Raye: Yes, Chibi-Usa...I mean, Serena!
LD: I hope they don't bring in the damn dog in this fic.

Er....sorry.

Again, I'm really confused where they are, America or Japan. This is a regular American bathroom with a shower stall and shower curtain and all that. The one private bathroom I remember in Japan had a giant tub, and the shower was just a shower head above the bare floor next to the tub, so you could shower and get into the tub. No curtains or anything. So...they are still in North America.

Raye is showering, and the nice hot water and the cool shower tiles make her so horny, so, forgetting her COMPLETELY NAUSEATED DRUNKEN STATE and the way she SMELLS OF VOMIT, she starts going into "me so horny" mode. That usually happens soon after you START drinking, not after you've slept it off and thrown up and are still nauseated. When you're nauseated, you aren't horny! Really!

Serena "accidentally" walks into the bathroom in search of a tissue and is peeking through the curtain, so Raye decides to give her a cheap show. So we have generic Skinemax softcore antics, probably accompanied by bad sax music. Raye poses and scrubs her nipples, and she hears Serena panting, and it's all rather silly. She asks if Serena can scruuuub her baaaaack, and Serena complies, since her Prime Directive has kicked in again.

Serena: BOOBS...BOOBS...BOOBS...
Raye: *coyly* Did you say something? *arches her back, licks her lips*
Serena: BOOBS... uh, oh, nothing, Raye! Tee hee!

She slowly soaps my back. Her fingernail traces the red Mars sigil on my right shoulder. "Cute. When did you get that done?"
"Last week, I think."
"Another blackout?" she asks.

All right, people. When you have details like this, check them. A week-old tattoo would not be nice and clean and red and looking like it's supposed to look. When you get tattooed, you bleed (ESPECIALLY if you're drunk; who the fuck will tattoo a drunk person?). Because you bleed, you may get a nasty black scabby mess over the tattooed area for about two weeks - especially if you haven't been taking good care of the tattoo. After the scab peels off in disgusting black chunks, you see the tattoo as it's meant to look, assuming you didn't screw it up, like drunken Raye is likely to have. So right now, imagine Serena touching a flaking black scab instead of a cute red tattoo.

SEXY!

Then we find out that Raye's been a drunken whorebag, and she's already banged Yuuichiro while she was drunk and then told him to fuck off, and he's rather hurt by this treatment, unsurprisingly. Serena scrubs Raye's back and scratches her scalp, and this makes the me-so-horny Raye have an orgasm on the spot. This time it's romaaaaaantic and plotful instead of gratutious lesbian orgies, but doesn't this insta-orgasm, insta-horny nonsense remind you of those other bad yuri fics? But I guess it's more romantic in any fic involving a girl, het or yuri, to have this instead of "s/he worked on her for fifteen minutes to half an hour."

The me-so-horny Raye. Is that like the Tickle-Me-Elmo?

(Man, I have horrible visions of what would be in a Ficbitches CafePress store...)

So anyways, Raye gets out of the shower, miraculously less drunk, and the air is nippy, if you know what I mean, and she prances about in a bathrobe while Serena picks out her slinky dress for the Tori concert tonight.

I go to my dresser and take out my clothes for the day: tight black jeans and a turquoise cropped tank top, the better to show off my tattoo and figure. I drop my robe to the floor. Serena makes no effort to turn her face, her eyes roaming over me, devouring me. I slip on red satin panties decorated with black lace...a g-string, really. I hear her breath catch from behind me as I shift my hair, giving her a clear view as I adjust it between my asscheeks. One leg at a time I pull on my jeans, wiggling slightly to get them over my hips.

SKINEMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX.

And seriously, can you imagine Raye Hino - or Hino Rei, whatever - Sailor Mars, you know - dressing in a revealing outfit meant to show off her huge boobs and cute ass? And that cute flaking scab on her shoulder? And a red satin g-string? Seriously, when I was reading this passage, I was reminded of that passage from the Babysitters' Club fic that Pink Freak reviewed:

Stacey wearing a white bustier and a baby blue long skirt looked sensational, She’d got a bit of lipgloss on, And some mascara but that was it. Claudia who had been to hair salon, had finally managed to persuade her mum and dad for purple, Pink and blue highlights in her black hair. She looked fabulous. She’d wore a strapless back dress, And left her hair down, Which had also been cut in to her shoulders. She’d worn purple lipfinity and black mascara.

Mary- Anne had worn a cute pink clingy dress, and Dawn had worn a hot pink boob tube, With a black long skirt.

So, Raye puts on her boob tube and her lipfinity, and Serena starts short-circuiting again, and after helping Raye not get her hair caught in the skintight jeans, she runs off screaming, presumably torn between her Prime Directive and um....lord, who knows. Raye runs after her, she can't catch her because she's too hungover, she collapses weeping in the courtyard with a bloody foot from the sharp stones. It's angsty, blah blah blah.

Okay, I would like to state this for once and for all:

JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S ANGSTY DOESN'T MAKE IT MEANINGFUL.
JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S ROMANTIC DOESN'T MAKE IT MEANINGFUL.
JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S TRAGIC DOESN'T MAKE IT MEANINGFUL.

Phew. Yuuichiro carries her inside, and is very kind to her despite her sobbing and bleeding and turquoise boob tube. Wait, make that "because of" her turquoise boob tube. Raye sleeps for a while, and then wakes up and has a little heart-to-heart with Yuuichiro, who warns her to stay sober tonight for Serena's sake. Somehow Mr. Clueless has grasped that Raye wants to have ~~meaningless sex~~ a wonderful relationship with Serena, and is supportive, because he knows how it is to love someone you think won't ever love you back. Now, personally, I'm waiting for him to "be noble," hook Serena and Raye up, set up some hidden cameras, and split the profits with Grandpa Hino.

Raye gets dressed...

I peel off my tank top and toss it into my clothes hamper, followed by my jeans, both sweat-soaked from my nap. For at least a minute I stand nearly naked, staring at the dress Serena has picked out. It has a halter neck and will show any bra I dare to wear. I decide against wearing one finally and slip it on. Looking in the full-length mirror I turn, and realize just how low the back is. It dips to a point just below my waist and (thankfully) just above my g-string. After wondering whether or not it will show, an evil thought insinuates itself in my mind and the g-string is flung into the hamper as well.

Wait just one damn second. Raye "Huge Boobs" Hino is going braless? Every FicBitch I've mentioned this to has had the same thought I did:

Raye: My saggy granny tits will really turn Serena on!
Serena: Wow, they reach your knees!

My best guess of the largest your boobs can be and still be able to go out in public without a bra is a B. You can possibly get away with a small C-cup if the fabric's thick and you have a sort of support built into the dress, but any larger, and you SAG and you JIGGLE. It's really obvious. I'm sorry. (I personally haven't had B-cups since I was 13...*sigh*)

Serena runs in, and she's all sparkle-princess for her BIG TORI AMOS CONCERT. Sparkles, glitter, ribbons, ~~pacifier, glowstick~~, the works. Raye stares at her and daydreams about rugmunching, since she's going out sans underclothing and the fresh air on her hoo-hah is making her into me-so-horny Raye again. Hmm, I don't know, the word "netherlips" sounds like the name of some comic book villain.

Netherlips laughed maniacally, raised his blaster, and said, "You have not even BEGUN to suffer, fools!"

See?

As we slip on our shoes Grandpa enters. "Going out again, Rei-chan?" he asks me in his native tongue, using the Japanese pronunciation of my name.

"Yes, Ojii-chan. I won't be out late," I reply in English. My Japanese isn't the greatest, and with my head full of... other things, I'm in no mood to try.

...okay, where are they again? How can she be a Shinto priestess if her Japanese 'isn't the greatest'? How can she help with wedding ceremonies, use ofuda, you know, everything! It just seems incredibly strange that Raye's Japanese is shitty. Why not just keep her bilingual? We already know she wants to learn another tongue....er, I'm sorry, that was terrible. I'll stop. Grandpa Hino slips her some ~~payment~~ cash, and the two girls head off to the Tori Amos concert.

A crowd is already forming when we arrive. It seems to be made up of mostly girls, with the only guys being a few that were dragged along. In an effort to distract myself from Serena I check out a few other girls. One of them notices and winks. I blush. She smiles and saunters over. Her green crushed velvet shirt and black leggings hug her large, but pleasing, figure. I can't help but make a mental comparison to Lita, as they share height and coloring.
"Is this your first Tori concert?" she asks.
I nod. "I was dragged here against my will. She's the fan." I indicate Serena with a jerk of my head.
The woman briefly glances at Serena and a strange look crosses her face. She leans forward and whispers in my ear: "When you tire of girls and you're ready for a woman, give me a call." Her hot breath caresses my ear as she presses a scrap of paper into my hand.
I let the paper flutter to the ground.
The chestnut-haired woman stares at the paper, then looks me in the eye. "You don't know what you're missing...but like opportunity, I only knock once." She gives Serena a dirty look and turns on her heel, stalking indoors.
We notice the crowd is thinning and decide to go inside as well. We find our seats occupied by two drunk guys who immediately hit on us. "Oh, I don't think my girlfriend will let me be with any guys," Serena purrs, clinging to my arm and leaning her head on my shoulder.
"Well, we can always make it a foursome," one of the guys slurs.
"No, we can't," I say, giving a menacing glare. As drunk as they are, they wisely decide not to press the issue and vacate our seats.

I have very few words for this. Never having been to a Tori Amos concert, I can't say if this is a typical concert experience, filled with chickenhawking lesbians and dumb drunken ~~phallo-oppressors~~ fratboys. I still wanted to giggle at Raye and Serena's twoo wub being tested by both women and men. The next large chunk of fic was pretty much a concert recap, filled with Tori song lyrics and gushing descriptions of Tori and what she said and did and how the crowd was eating it all up. All the songs she sang deeply affected Raye, because they were ALL ABOUT HER AND SERENA! OH MY GOD! Serena starts bumping and grinding, and me-so-horny Raye is weeping, and finally Raye snaps and runs out of the arena, her sparkling tears floating after her, I presume. Serena runs out to comfort her, they make out, and Serena declares her love for Raye. The end.

THE WRITING:
The writing in this fic isn't bad at all, and I have no doubt that this author could turn out good fics. But again we're dealing with decent writers who can't plot or characterize. There are a LOT of fanficcers like this, even fairly famous ones in fandom. Readers get so distracted by the fact that the writing is technically decent and there are some nice descriptions and an occasional good character insight that they ignore the fact that there WAS no real plot, or that the rest of the characterization and backstory was questionable at best. Just because it's slash or yaoi or yuri doesn't mean that you can't write a story that's interesting BESIDES which sets of genitals are mashing together. Or that you can't keep the characters acting and thinking in a recognizable fashion. This fic's Raye sort of rings right at times, but at other times, I was thinking, "alcoholic tattooed arsonist Raye with an abusive father, what the hell..." Remember what I said about ANGST and ROMANCE? That's right. This fic, despite the presence of a "plot" and "romance," doesn't have much more weight than your standard "MAI SHIRANUI BANGS ATHENA ASAMIYA" yuri fic.

THE PLOT:
I know ficcers that actually have pages and pages of plot notes and a plot outline before they start writing. It both amazes me and gives me hope for their fic.

It's hard to write a plot where the characters do things you've never done in places you've never been, but just transplanting them wholesale into your life and making them do things you've done - like going to a Tori Amos concert and not knowing jack about Japanese despite being Japanese - is BAD.

Besides, come ON. Two girls discovering true lesbian love at a Tori Amos concert. I'm surprised it's not a Melissa Etheridge concert. Sheesh. I'll tell ya what I want to see. I want to see Mamoru and Motoki - er, Darien and Andrew - go to a Morrissey concert and discover their true love for each other while swaying back and forth to Morrissey songs. That's beautiful and meaningful too, isn't it?

o/~ Because you're just so busy, busy busy, busy scissors, OH, OH, HAIRDRESSER ON FIRE!!!! o/~
Darien: Andrew...I love you!
Andrew: Oh, Darien!

Fun for the whole family!

Wed, 28 May 2003 10:56:34 GMT

BADFIC SCAVENGER HUNT! W00T!

For almost two years now, we here at SttH have been been the bringers of pain with some of the most boring, incomprehensible, and all-around dumb fics out there.

Now, we want you to bring the pain to *US*. And share with others.

Thanks to the wonders of Livejournal and their superb comments system, we can now hold little diversions like this game. Today, we present the very first Ficbitches Badfic Scavenger Hunt!

Here's how to play:

- We give out basic concept for fic.
- You remember something you saw earlier, or if you're really masochistic, go searching for such fics, and then post them here for everyone to read, comment on, and probably recoil in horror from.
- When posting, you post link to fic and what category it falls under.
- Posting a different example in a category someone's already found a fic in is perfectly fine and, in fact, encouraged. That way we can cross-mock. Er, I mean, compare.

Not all of the ideas we are giving are horribly awful, but may be things that go against stupid fanon characterization/stereotypes. Also note that these are NOT invitations to actually write some of this stuff. If you do, we'd have to kill you.

So today, here are GH's fic challenges! I DARE you to find:

Fic where a female character is made into a male solely for purposes of yaoi.

Fic where a male character is raped/molested by dickgirl.

A dickgirl Mary/Marty Stu. (Hard to say which it'd be, doncha think?)

Lemon fic where virginal woman does not go into orgasm the first time.

AIDS fic, or other terminal illness angstfic, with a completely happy ending. (ie "He is cured with the power of LOVE!")

Fic with a famous person or people thrown into a popular fantasy universe. Not a Mary Sue or SI, or famous people being cast in roles of another universe's characters (ie "L'Arc~En~Ciel does Saiyuki). Something like "Fred Durst's Hogwarts Adventure" or "Orlando Bloom goes to Jusenkyo."

Erotic fanfic with characters from a popular US newspaper comic strip. Peanuts, Garfield, Dilbert, Family Circus, the like. (Yes, we know about the imfamous Hobbes x Calvin slashfic. We're glad it's dead now. We think.)

Yaoi fic where seme is weepy, girly pansy-boy and uke is big, tough manly-man, and characterized as such.

Well, that's plenty for now, I think. Have, er, fun!

STREET FIGHTER :: Bóku wa yuku nó wa iyá da

Sat, 10 May 2003 19:20:56 GMT

Street Fighter :: Bóku wa yuku nó wa iyá da
Thank god for C/P...
Reviewed by: Leather Daddy

PLOT: 1/5 (Ryu sits on a step for a while until Ken forgives his sorry ass and lets him back inside the dojo)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (Ken got a back-alley sexchange courtesy of Shadaloo, probably, and Ryu's masculinity is in question as well)
WRITING: 4/5 (Not bad, gotta admit that much.)
MARTIAL ARTISTS ACTING LIKE HYSTERICAL DIVAS: 6/5

Before we begin, a sample conversation between the FicBitches.

* Leather Daddy is getting so tired of reading these snape-apologist fics
[Leather Daddy] especially when he all of a sudden is a handsome vampire.
[Velvet Venus] or just randomly attractive? despite him being so NOT attractive in the movie and deliberately described as unattractive in the books?
[Rebel Toy] maybe some people think "greasy" means "shiny with love."
[Rebel Toy] like fabio.
[Leather Daddy] that's why! XDDD
[Gilded Fantasy] We figure Snape's scalp secretes lube
[Rebel Toy] o.o
[Leather Daddy] So next are going to be the scalp-fucking fics?
[Velvet Venus] XD
[Gilded Fantasy] XD
[Leather Daddy] well, I mean, you could hold onto the hair, and...
[Rebel Toy] so when he's having sex with hermione he rubs his head in her hair pie?
[Leather Daddy] wait, let's just not go there, okay?
* Leather Daddy snorts mountain dew out through her nose, OW!
[Leather Daddy] goddammit, [Rebel Toy]!

There's something wrong with us.

Recently I've had such trouble trying to find fics to review. There was a beautiful Saiyuki Mary-Sue that had been suggested to us, oh, a year ago or so, but by now the entire Saiyuki fanfiction archive was down for the count. I tried sifting through the Saiyuki section of the pit of voles to see if it was there, but all I found were such gems as "Gojyo, HIV Positive!" (A friend couldn't believe that I couldn't find ANYTHING worth reviewing in the Saiyuki section, but fics written like Goku had banged his fists on the keyboard are too easy and plentiful to be worth reviewing!)

So I was a bitch, naturally, and swiped a fic that I think Pink Freak was thinking of reviewing. Whoops, heh heh. Sorry!

This is a Street Fighter fic by Silver Rayne, entitled - now let me get this right again - "Bóku wa yuku nó wa iyá da". Due to the nature of this fic, and the spicy accents in the title, I will be reviewing part of it in "Lopez-vision," with Ben Affleck as Ryu Hoshi and Jennifer Lopez as Ken Masters. Don't laugh, it makes it so much less incomprehensible.

First of all, a little background on the Street Fighter games. Your basic 2D fighter, with Ryu, Ken, Chun-Li, M. Bison, and so on - these names will hopefully ring a bell. Ryu and Ken had the same martial arts master, and are eternal rivals. Now, I will admit that Ryu's last name - Hoshi (Star) - is pretty damn gay. And they act really, really gay in Street Fighter Alpha: The Movie. Boys, I know you're attached to each other, but when Chun-Li's getting killed, maybe you should pay attention to that instead of to each other, mmmkay?

BUT THEY JUST AREN'T THIS GAY.

I have probably ranted about feminization of male characters thousands of times, but it really gets ridiculous when you're dealing with "street fighters."

Those aren't BREASTS bulging out of their gi, okay?

Bah, the bust-up images got killed. Go to the link below to see them if you want!
(all images from Gex's Streetfighter Dojo, sorry!)

Well, okay, if you look at those bust-ups, they look more likely to indulge in nonstop happy buttsex. But still, Ken's neck is probably as big around as my thigh. Good lord.

Why am I making such a big point about this?

This is another fic where the writing is quite decent, but the characterizations are laughably off, particularly in the case of Ken. It's also filled with amusing yaoi fic cliches and a plot worthy of a bad soap opera.

Imagine, if you would, that you read a Slayers fic where Lina Inverse was a shy, quiet, delicate girl who was reluctant to use her powers to get what she wanted, and got upset at the prospect of property destruction. You'd wonder what crack the author was on, right? (No, PLEASE don't point me to fics like this, I don't want to see them!)

Why is it that people can write fics with characterizations as off-base as the example I gave above, and they can defend themselves with "well, it's MY vision of the character! You just don't understand! Stop picking on me and be more open-minded!" If a character tends to behave in a certain fashion (except in certain extremely specific situations), wouldn't it be safe to assume that that's how they should act in most fics? If you want a character who would act differently, shouldn't you be writing original fiction?

Because the writing itself is fine, the only thing I can take cheap pot-shots at is the characterization and content.

This fic starts out promisingly; Ryu is sitting on the steps of his dojo, brooding and being annoyed at all the cameramen snapping pictures of him. He says that he and his beloved Ken can't go anywhere without these vultures trying to make money off them. It's a bit overdone, but hey, he still sounds like a guy here.

I can’t sit in the yard without someone trying to capture me on film. They treat me like a celebrity and grant me even less privacy. I have Ken’s parents to thank for this. Bringing their son up in an atmosphere that reassured him of this fate. They are wealthy and successful, more than us in some cases and I don’t need to deny that Ken doesn’t care. My beloved cares very much about ambitions and striving to be all you can be. The great American dream. There’s nothing wrong with it, in fact I think it’s wonderful that he feels that way. But when it rules his sleeping hours with nightmares and tearful approximations of failure; that is when I have had enough.

Okay, it's time for Lopez-Vision.

[Ben] Jennifer! Jennifer, what's wrong? Were you having a nightmare?
[Jennifer] Oh god, Ben, honey! I dreamt that I was a big failure, and, and...*sob* I had to move back to the Bronx...and my parents called me a failure....and the media said my ass was too big! *SOB SOB*
[Ben] Okay, that's it! Those bastards have gone too far! They made my baby cry!
[Jennifer] *sobsob* Ben, honey...hold me...
[Ben] There, there.
[Jennifer] Did I mention I was sobbing?
[Ben] You did, in fact.
[Jennifer] Just checking.

This is also really strange to me; it's true that Ken is afraid of failing, but he's afraid of being second-best to Ryu, not about having a "medium-sized" mansion and only seven cars. He gives his soul to become stronger than Ryu in one of the games, as I recall. So we'd only have his massive inferiority complex kicking in if Ryu beat him repeatedly in training fights, and even then, I doubt he'd sob into his pillow.

So, what did awful Ryu do this time to upset his love? Damn, you’re going to laugh at this. I asked him to leave his job and career, to move back to Japan with me. Maybe you’d better not laugh because it isn’t so funny now that I think about it. I implied that his aspirations meant nothing to me, not even the sacrifices he has made. It was not my intention to belittle him but my mouth does not interact with my brain much. Ken keeps telling me about tact and various ‘nice’ ways to approach touchy subjects. What he failed to mention is what qualifies as a ‘touchy’ subject.

[Jennifer] Ben...honey...is my ass too fat? Be truthful.
[Ben] Um...of course not, my love!
[Jennifer] YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE ALL THE WORK I PUT IN TO MAKING IT SMALLER! YOU DON'T LOVE ME OR APPRECIATE MY SACRIFICES!
[Ben] Wow...I didn't know this was a touchy subject! It's true! I am an awful person!

Just last night we had been holding hands, freshly exhausted from making love repeatedly after the evening news. As I moved my fingers over his, I began to truly appreciate my luck in finding this wondrous man. The feeling of warm gold beneath my thumb truly hung over my heart. An engagement ring, plain and simple but a symbol of my love for him. I can still remember our wedding as if it were yesterday. It didn’t make my proposal to him any less special. Both events have equal value in my recollection of how our love came to be. His wedding band is a lot heavier on his slender finger, crested with diamonds and bearing two small loops forming a heart. I could not have been more eager in my life to part with a material object. Usually I couldn’t care less about what underwear I select for the day. But this was different. I needed to see the wedding ring on Ken's finger, not in a box which was pale in comparison to what it housed.

Okay, let's just stop for a second. Go back and take a look at those images of Ken and Ryu up there. Now reread this paragraph.

Done?

Now imagine them holding hands in bed, with a golden wedding ring on Ken's "slender finger" - a gold ring with diamonds and a big heart on it.

Let me know when you're done laughing.

[Pink Freak] how erotic is that, man, the fucking EVENING NEWS
[Pink Freak] "wow...those are some sexy high-pressure areas in tomorrow's forecast, Ryu..."
[Pink Freak] "but I detect a high pressure area right now, Ken...in my pants!"

I refused employment in his overseas corporation because it isn’t what I’m interested in. I teach martial arts and self defense to underprivileged kids and single mothers. It’s what I enjoy, helping others.

So...essentially you're sponging off of the Masters fortune. I don't care how noble you are, get a job, you bum!

Then it describes how the two of them play peekaboo through their dojo, giggling and hiding until it comes time for the wild monkey-sex. Then it talks about how the media gave Ken crap for marrying a man, a poor, unknown, Japanese man, and how Ryu got so annoyed that he pulled a Sean Penn and went after the photographers with his Hadouken. Then he angsts about whether Ken's parents still hate him.

Then he starts waxing poetic about how "cute" and "adorable" Ken is. Those rippling muscles, those thighs as big as sides of beef, those...oh, wait, sorry. I keep reminding him that he’s incorrigibly sexy and cute when he gets mad. Those cinnamon brown eyes of his become darker with the force of his emotions and his eyebrows furrow together in the most adorable fashion.

Right.

On one occasion, Ken had me called home from work during one of my lunch breaks. The butler told me that my love was experiencing headaches and vertigo. It nearly stopped my heart because the night before we had argued and I let him sleep on his side of the bed, alone. Usually I have my arm draped over him, keeping him warm and close during the night. I get cramps on one side sometimes because I refuse to turn onto my other side. I don’t want to let him go, not for the briefest of moments. He can shift around and cuddle against me, or curl up with his back pressed to my chest. But I won’t move, not unless I become extremely uncomfortable. I’ve had worse sleepless nights of insomnia back in Sensei Gouken’s dojo. And it’s all worth it in the end to be rewarded by the presence of this beautiful man trustingly resting with me as his bodyguard.

So, let me get this straight. They had a fight, Ryu slept on the couch, and Ken slept alone without Ryu-chan to cuddle him. That means that Ken-chan has the vapours in the middle of the day and has to call his honey home from work...er, wait, Ryu doesn't have a job, he helps the underprivileged. So cute cute Ken-chan lies on his bed with his hand pressed to his forehead...

What the hell is this?

Now, if you were wondering what was making the two lovebirds fight like this...

Back to the argument; Ken accused me of being insensitive due to the fact that I discarded what I presumed was a pile of rubbish under our bed. Turns out that those bits of paper were keepsakes from our wedding. I hadn’t taken a good look at the newspaper clippings and thought (like any good husband would) that someone had forgotten to pass them onto the recycling bin...
Anyway, the other night was terrible and I spent it tossing and turning without the feeling of warm skin under my hands. No long hair to stroke, or cheek to kiss good night, not even a gentle hug underneath the blankets. When I got out of bed, Ken lay there and mumbled something about me being a… I won’t repeat it. The day went by miserably with me lingering on how wrong it had been for us to fight like that. I felt bad for not apologizing and even for tossing those clippings in the first place. Sometimes I need a good kick in the head to get my emotions in gear. But when I got that call, there wasn’t one emotion that wasn’t functioning.
Well, when I got upstairs and to my bedroom, there he was. Apparently he had intended to seduce me in order to make up if the sheets he was wrapped in were any indication. They hung a little too snugly to his exquisite frame and I forgot my fear and anger in a second. But he had changed his mind because that look turned to guilt and shame for what he had done. What he had resorted to just to get my attention. It made me feel so low and despicable, for having my beloved grovel in this fashion because he was afraid of me leaving. Of losing me. How could I be so selfish?

Ahem. Okay. So Ryu is a big jerky MALE and tosses out their old wedding crap, Ken screams and throws a hissy fit, Ryu promptly emasculates himself and sleeps on the couch, and Ken shows a little leg to remind Ryu that if he leaves, he won't get sweet sweet ass-loving on a regular basis.

Ken is deathly terrified of me leaving him, of me just walking out one day and never coming back. I did it once and lived to regret it. The damage I had to repair was so great that I thought he would never learn to trust me again. Those were the old days, when the idea of fighting another world champion martial artist would have me vacating the country for that opportunity. I disappeared plenty of times as his friend but only once when we were dating. Big mistake! Believe me when I say that there is no battle greater than with that of your beloved. No level of Shotokan training could have saved me from the mental thrashing he unleashed. His words hit so hard that he nearly made me cry. Nearly. I’ve cried less than four times during my adult life, all of them included some injury to Ken or the fear of losing him.

MEN THREATENING TO CRY. Have I mentioned how much I hate this cliche?

Aha, now we come to the latest event that had disturbed their peace...

Two days ago had been the last straw for me. We were eating outside a tiny restaurant in the middle of nowhere, halfway through the meal and enjoying it. Ken mentioned that the evening had been one of the more romantic ones in a while. It was quiet, dark, and peaceful with no disturbances to spoil the mood. Like all good things, it did not last. I got up to use the bathroom and had barely reached my destination when some flimsy dark airhead had sprung out of nowhere. What was I supposed to do? My first instinct yelled out for me to push past her because I recognized that look on her face. But I froze and that was when she did it…kissed me squarely on the lips. I wanted to slap her, to grab her by the shoulders and curse her for being a lousy whore.

[Jennifer] OH MY GOD, BEN, WHO IS THAT LITTLE TRAMP WHO JUST KISSED YOU?
[Ben] I don't know! I swear I've never seen her in my life!
[Jennifer] Liar! You think you can cheat on me and LIVE?

The media is still filled with stories of how the poor husband of Ken Masters Hoshi is having an affair.

Oh my god, they have hyphenated last names. That's hysterical. Ken Masters-Hoshi and Ryu Hoshi-Masters, no less. To go with their HEART-SHAPED GOLD WEDDING RINGS! So Ryu decides to go inside and apologize to his honey, hoping that Ken isn't too mad at him still.

He approaches me from behind the staircase, still upset like the way I had left him. But he isn’t angry anymore. He’s sad. I can see it in his eyes, the way he walks, how he pronounces my name. And it’s a really bad thing when there are only two ways you can pronounce ‘Ryu.’ Either with a excited pitch to the ‘u’ as Ken always uses or with a bored tone to that exact vowel. He sounds exasperated since he chose the latter to work with. This won’t be easy.

[Jennifer] Be--Eeee-nnn....
[Ben] (Okay, so was that the "happy" Ben, or the "angry" Ben? Oh god, I should have brought flowers!)

Now there's an extended passage where Ryu grovels and cringes and begs Ken to beat him for being bad. Then Ken forgives him and they dry-hump against a wall, which is symbolic of their....love, yeah, their love.

The. End.

As I said before, the writing in this fic was reasonably good, and I'll leave that alone. It's really refreshing to find a ficcer who already knows the difference between "your" and "you're" and "there" and "they're" and "their." But the choice of plots and characterizations in this author's fics is, um....questionable, if you're the picky type like me who likes their characters recognizable. For example, another of this author's Street Fighter fics is a charming fairytale about how Guile, the hulking American Marine, decides he wants to go ice-skating when he's off-duty. (Funny habits these Marines have....) He gets to the pond in the middle of the night, and Vega, the enemy Spanish bullfighter/ninja/narcissist, is already there skating. So they have a skating race, which obviously leads to sex out in the snow, which obviously leads to true love through a load of spooge in the ass.

Riiight.

All other characterization issues aside, I must admit I'm annoyed by the constant feminization of at least one (if not both) men in yaoi and slash fics. When you have a gay relationship, it doesn't mean that one becomes the "man" and the other becomes the "woman," or that one is the "husband" and one is the "wife", or that one prances around naked except for an apron while the other can't even be bothered to take off his pants to screw. No no no! Think about the characters that you're writing about! Some fictional guys do indeed fit nicely into those roles because they originally were the supergirly domestic type paired with a manly man, and have been known in canon to act like girls (mostly because they were the incredibly stereotypical "gay" fanbait to begin with). But we're talking about Ken and Ryu here, rivals, best friends and street fighters! There's no way in hell one is going to wuss out for the other one!

If you want to write a fic where you have a certain set of behaviors happening (in this case, crying, codependency, and cutesy pet names), wouldn't it be a better idea to pick a series and set of characters where that sort of behavior isn't out of the question?

Another note for all you ficcers out there: apparently in real life it's much, much easier to find an uke than it is to find a seme. This surprised me too, but hey, think about it this way: The seme has to do way more work, and it requires more skill/experience to make sure that both of you get your rocks off. So it's not just a matter of "Insert Tab A into Slot B, grunt a lot, the end." Of course, reality has very little influence on fic, but maybe keep that fact in mind when you're considering making two characters auto-seme and auto-uke?

Oh, who the hell am I kidding, what I say isn't going to change years and years of ingrained characterization and ficcing habits. But if even just one person listens to what I'm saying and stops trying to put Solid Snake in a skirt, or making Flik cry, or, shock of shocks, lets Heero be the uke for once, I'll consider my job as a Ficbitch done.

I'm sorry that this review wasn't too funny, but I think most of the humor comes from reading the fic itself. ^_~

[Kennifer] If u had my love and I gave u all my trust, would u comfort me...o/~

now 10% easier to use!

Mon, 14 Apr 2003 12:36:22 GMT

Sorry to disappoint you, but this is an administrative notice, not an actual review.

Just to let y'all know, Slap To The Head! is now also accessible via http://www.ficbitches.org. It'll be easier to link to us and that URL will continue to point to the current location of the Ficbitches, should the site move in the future. Don't worry - we haven't left LiveJournal, nor do we plan to.

And now for something completely different...

Fri, 11 Apr 2003 16:34:50 GMT

FINAL FANTASY VII :: PALMER GETS LAID

By Gunstar Heroine

PLOT: 1/5 (But this actually isn't a problem.)
CHARACTERIZATION: 4/5 (I love the reactions of the other Turks.)
WRITING: 5/5 (Comedy genius!)
ABILITY TO BE COMPLETELY REVOLTING YET UTTERLY HILARIOUS AT THE SAME TIME: 5/5

You might be wondering what is up with the scores above - they are actually GOOD this time around. But you see, we don't bash bad fics ALL the time. That's not our intent. We need to point out the good alongside the bad. So today, I have chosen a very special fic to highlight. Like most of the other fics we review, this one will leave you screaming - but with insane laughter instead of abject horror.

This fic was obviously written to be a parody. Our main couple consists of Palmer and Heidigger. Yes, you just read that correctly. If this fic were meant to be taken seriously I'd be ready to beat the author's head in with a nail-bat right about now, but it is obvious from the start that this isn't the case:

Palmer couldn't concentrate. ...the distraction across the table caused his eyes to wander away from the boring drone to the epitome of man-meat manliness over and over again... He longed to feel that massive belly pressed against his back or his rippling abdomen (whichever came first), quaking with each whimpered breath like a mountain of jello.

With a description like that, it's safe to assume that this fic is going to be absolutely disgusting. And I love every minute of it.

So what all does this fic parody, you ask?

1. Stupid PWP devices
2. Bad sex descriptions and euphemisms
3. Dumb pairings that make zero sense. I'm not sure if that was the author's intent or not, but seriously, somebody has to speak out on the SHEER WRONGNESS of slashing Captain Hook and Riku (DO NOT CLICK. SERIOUSLY.) or Legolas and Treebeard (Writing a pairing based on a challenge is probably a BAD IDEA).

I actually don't want to quote much of this fic, simply because doing so will spoil a lot of the fun to be had reading it for the first time (and over, and over...). But I must provide a few examples as to what makes this work so damn funny, so here goes:

Oh baby, are you getting horny yet?:

Heidigger felt hot eyes crawling over him and stripping him, layer by layer. He turned and met the intense blue gaze of the man sitting across. As he watched, Palmer gave him a salacious wink and licked his full luscious lips, making them glisten and gleam in the harsh overhead lights. Heidigger's mouth went dry and his eyes crossed with desire. He felt his mini-Heidigger sproinging to attention and smacking the underside of the table with a wet thud.

Heidegger's idea of dirty talk:

With heavy and panted breaths escaping from the hot wells of his heaving bosom, Heidigger breathed into the waiting cavern of Palmer's ear, "Let's go to the bathroom, studmuffin, I've got to drop a load."

And now for HOT SWEATY SQUISHY BLUBBERY KINKY BATHROOM SEX:

Hopping on one foot to catch his balance, Palmer grasped an adjoining urinal. He leaned against the cool porcelain, a cool and welcome contrast to his burning hot skin. He looked over his shoulder with a sultry glance and murmured, "Come here, you love machine animal, you..."

Oh, and the sex/organ euphemisms! These had me rolling on the floor. What makes them even more amusing is that we have all seen bad fics where ridiculous terminology like this is employed in total seriousness. My favorite? "Sacred Jade Temple of the Golden Peaches." Brilliant.

In short, everything in this fic WORKS. It takes a funny idea and expands on it throughout, it keeps characters in character (well, besides the couple, but even they aren't as horribly far off as they could be), and it successfully pokes fun at many yaoi fic cliches and stereotypes. The little surprise tidbit at the ending only tops off a mountain of great (if gross XD) humor.

Thanks to the authors for giving me such a great laugh. Finding gems like this is what makes wading through the piles and piles of crappy fic out there totally worthwhile. I just wouldn't recommend this one right after dinner.

(My, this is a really short bitch. Have you ever noticed that bad reviews almost anywhere tend to be longer than the good ones?)

fanfiction exists for everything, you know.

Fri, 28 Mar 2003 01:58:24 GMT

BABY-SITTERS CLUB :: MY GIRL and JUST ONE NIGHT</a>
Review By: Pink Freak

SCORE:
PLOT: 1/5 (I suppose if you LIKE the idea of "Children's Novel Meets Beverly Hills, 90210"...)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (Kristy Thomas did WHAT?!)
WRITING: 0/5 (MS Word's spellchecker alone DOES NOT CUT IT, PEOPLE.)
BABYSITTING: 0/5

For those of you who are currently laughing your ass off at the fact that I have chosen to make my grand return to Ficbitches with, of all things, a BABY-SITTERS CLUB fic, please answer the following questions before continuing to howl with laughter at my patheticness.

1) Are you over the age of 13?
2) Have you read a Harry Potter book after you passed the age of 13?
3) Did you subsequently read or write fanfic about it? (Double the value of this question if the fic was pornographic.)

If the answers to those questions are "yes", I invite you to kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We now return to your regularly scheduled ficbitching.

The Baby-Sitters Club. Now, some of you may not have read these books - I'm not sure whether they're still popular amongst the 4th-6th grade set, but when I was a member of said age group, everyone I knew was reading the series. So, for those of you who are not familiar with the series, I will give you a brief summary of what the books are about. Since it's been a good 10-15 years since I last seriously read a BSC book, I went to the library and got a couple of the books to reread in order to do this review. FYI, the book I chose was Kristy And The Sister War. There's an excerpt of about 6 pages on there, so you can see the...um...quality writing...present in the series itself.

Wow, I can't believe I ever liked this crap. But anyway. XD

The Baby-Sitters Club is a series of books by Ann M. Martin that tells the story of a group of barely teenaged babysitters living in Stoneybrook, Connecticut. The girls formed a club where they provide the service of reliable and talented baby-sitters to area parents, who seem to spawn like there's no tomorrow. They have a variety of adventures such as going on a cruise with their charges' family, setting up a dance for a bunch of kids, going to New York City for a week, and other things that your average 13 year old is not necessarily allowed to do. Oh, and they babysit. A lot. Hence the title of the series. The cast has changed a bit from when I was reading the books as a tender, innocent youth, but here's who we're looking at. These introductions are conveniently recapped in chapter 2 of EVERY SINGLE BOOK IN THE SERIES. I recall habitually skipping this chapter when reading the books as a young'un.)

Kristy Thomas A completely unashamed rags-to-riches tomboy. Lives in jeans and t-shirts. Would rather play baseball than think about typically girly things like makeup, fashion, boyfriends, etcetera. She founded the Baby-Sitters Club and is down-to-earth, responsible, punctual, trustworthy, and thinks before she acts. Had a friend-cum-boyfriend named Bart Taylor briefly, but has a hard time looking at boys as anything other than people to play soccer with. Age 13.
Claudia Kishi Japanese-American. Shirking the Asian Stereotype, she hates studying and is dyslexic, but she LOVES shopping and makeup and dating. Her strong points include being artistic and creative and having a 'unique' sense of style. Upon revisiting the series, I discovered that Claudia repeated the 7th grade due to poor academic performance. Don't fret - Asian Stereotype is present in Claudia's older sister. Age 13.
Mary Anne Spier The conservative sheltered one. Mommy died when she was little, so Daddy put a bunch of restrictive rules on her. Eventually, Daddy let her do such wild and unprecedented things such as stay out past 6 PM, cut her hair into a stylish bob, and have a sweet, harmless country bumpkin boyfriend.
Stacey McGill From New York. Moved to Stoneybrook after her parents' divorce. Diabetic. Good at math. Stylish in a classy way. Dates older men. Can you tell that the two books I checked out from the library were about Kristy and Claudia? Age 13.
Dawn Schafer From California. Moved to Stoneybrook after her parents' divorce. Because she is from California, she does a variety of exotic things such as ~~having 10 piercings above the waist~~ surfing. When I reread the books a couple of days ago, I discovered that Dawn eventually moved back to California. Age 13.
Abby Stevenson Dawn's replacement. An asthmatic, allergic athlete. Did I mention Abby is Jewish? I guess that's integral to her personality. I know nothing about her, since she wasn't in the books when I was reading them. Age 13, I think.
Mallory Pike One of the junior babysitters. Comes from a huge family. Loves horses. Age 11.
Jessi...um...Ramsey The token black girl. Mallory's best friend. She's a ballerina. Also loves horses. People like to write femslash about her and Mallory, apparently. IS IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR TWO GIRLS TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITHOUT WANTING TO SHOVE THEIR HEADS IN EACH OTHER'S CROTCHES? Age 11.

There are a bunch of supporting characters that I'm not going to bother introducing, because they're unimportant to the ficbitching. Actually, everyone except Kristy is pretty unimportant, but there you go anyway. If you REALLY CARE, do what I did and make an embarrassing journey into the children's section of your local library and read one of 'em yourself. I am not responsible for your friends laughing at you for doing this.

Okay, so now that you have an idea of who Kristy Thomas is: a responsible, motivated, forward-thinking, serious tomboy, let me present you with the fic "My Girl" by WickedGurl. In this fic, Kristy Thomas has a one-night stand with her then-boyfriend Bart Taylor, gets pregnant, and has a baby daugter named Katie. The fic is a work-in-progress and is 10 chapters long, but each chapter is relatively short. There's also a prequel called "Just ONE Night" which was probably written in response to "My Girl" and helps to clear up some of the fuzziness and incomprehensibility of the plot of "My Girl". So, for clarity's sake, I'll start by giving a brief recap of "Just ONE Night".

Kristy and Bart, both 13 years old, are at a party. They drank some beer and then had sex. A clip:

Bart came in smiling. Told me the mess downstairs was under control. And thanked me for helping him. And we kissed. But this time there was something different in this kiss. More passionate than it had ever been before. We continued to kiss, And Bart with his arm behind my back gently lay me down on his bed, He was on top of me now. But I wasn’t scared. We carried on kissing for a while. And then Bart moved down to my neck planting little kisses. And then ever so slowly he started to unbutton my top. He ran his hands over my skin.

And soon we were both naked, I knew what I was doing. He knew what he was doing. We both knew we should stop, But we both didn’t want too.

‘Kristy, are you sure you want this’ he said looking into my eyes. I nodded

For about 10 seconds it hurt, it really hurt, but the pain turned into pleasure. And then we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

I'm pretty sure Leather Daddy mentioned this in one of her reviews, but if she didn't, I'm going to say it here: sex and drinking are two things that are written LIGHT-YEARS BETTER by people who have actually experienced them. The only saving grace of this scene is that it's blissfully short. But that's not really the larger point - this is where the characterization falls apart, and this is about 200 words into the fic. In the series, Kristy is decidedly uncomfortable around boys in a romantic sense, and I guess she had Major Ish about kissing Bart in the first place.

(Perhaps this is because she's headed down the path to butch lesbianism? You tell me. I think she's more likely to run off with Claudia and discover the wonders of jelly dildoes and the Hitachi Magic Wand.)

Then, the following dialogue - spelling and grammar preserved for your enjoyment:
‘Bart did we use protection?’
‘Yes and No, But more no than yes, Okay no’
For a minute I just stood there stunned
‘I thought you wore a condom’
‘We’ll I don’t exactly have them on me Kristy, It was spur of the moment’
‘Bart, I could be pregnant’
‘You won’t’
‘Oh and how do you know’
‘Cause it’s our first time, You don’t get pregnant on your first time’ Bart said knowingly

Hey, Kristy? I have a question. How could you NOT KNOW whether or not Bart hermetically sealed his meat before delivery? The vague sex scene didn't give any indication as to whether or not Bart blindfolded Kristy before he popped her cherry, but condoms don't magically materialize from a cloud of sparkles and ribbons to surround the cock, unlike Sailor Moon's battle uniform. Maybe Kristy didn't pay attention during Sex Ed. Bart didn't, that's for sure! That's pretty clear from his intelligent attempts at reassuring Kristy, who's panicking about the possibility that she's just ruined her life as she knew it.

Kristy grills her friends, who DID pay attention in Sex Ed, for information. She tries to hide the truth from her friends, but they all know better and out her. She takes a pregnancy test, pees on the stick, it ~~turns yellow~~ comes out positive, and Kristy realizes that she's GOTTEN PREGNANT AT AGE 13 (14?).

May I remind you who this is again? I always thought Stacey (or Dawn, what with her native Californian ~~passion for kinky group sex~~ maturity) would be the one pressing the flesh with the boys at an early age.

Okay, the rest of the fic involves Kristy and Bart telling their parents of the news. Neither family is particularly angry. Bart gets grounded for a couple of weeks and his allowance reduced. Kristy's parents are extremely supportive, even though Kristy is basically repeating her mother's mistakes verbatim. There is no mention of anything but slight parental disappointment, and to MY great disappointment, Kristy's older brothers make no attempt to beat the shit out of Bart for nonchalantly impregnating their little sister. Kristy decides to keep the baby, despite the fact that she is 14 AND STILL IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL and Bart, also 14, muses upon his desire to be a father. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. How many 14 year old boys that YOU know are interested in the responsibility and maturity associated with fatherhood?

We conveniently skip past all of the unpleasant things associated with teenage pregnancy such as stigma from peers and teachers, health problems, childbirth, and raising a small child while attempting to go to high school and segue nicely into "My Girl" which picks up on Christmas Morning when Kristy is 17 and her daughter is 3 or 4 years old. Wait, maybe Kristy was 14 when she got pregnant. Can you figure it out?

The 6th month of Kristy’s pregnancy, Kristy had become pregnant, When she was 14 In September. She turned 15, In June the 1st to be exact. Katie had been in the world for two months and a bit by then.

Okay, so was Kristy 14 when she got pregnant, or did she turn 14 when she was pregnant, or was she 15 when she was 6 months pregnant with Katie...? The head spins. I was pleased to discover upon reading the overwhelmingly positive reviews for this fic that other people were as confused as I was about the ages of the characters. This owes to three things: (1) the incredibly poor writing quality, (2) the complete implausibility of Kristy Thomas getting pregnant and raising a baby while attending high school and (3) the author's failure to clearly state any of these "important details".

We discover that despite Bart's previous promises to support Kristy and his daughter with his weekly allowance of $20 (W00T, they can buy the kid a diaper a week!) Bart was caught cheating on Kristy by getting drunk and making out with "Cokie Mason" 2 years later at a party. (Bart was approximately 15 at the time, by my best estimate.) Upon rereading a BSC book for the purposes of reviewing this fic, I discovered that Cokie Mason is an annoying popular girl at Stoneybrook Middle School. Mmhmm. Right. The guy that would be attracted to Kristy Thomas would also be attracted to that. Right. Whatever. I sincerely doubt that the making out is canon, so I'm going to attribute this fine, original plot twist to the imagination of ~~Aaron Spelling and his ilk~~ the author.

After Christmas dinner, Kristy puts Katie to bed. Bart waltzes in, kisses Kristy, declares his interest in getting back together, and Kristy cries into her pillow. Then she goes downstairs to eat ice cream and have an emotional Men Suck moment with her mother.

We flash back to catch up with the Future Baby-Sitter's Club. Abby Stevenson has morphed into Christina Aguilera. Mallory is in boarding school and Jessi is no longer a club member, probably due to local shock and horror over their budding lesbian relationship that is so clearly detailed in other BSC fics. Anyway, everyone is gathered at Claudia's 15th birthday party. True to her Japanese-American nature, she has a karaoke machine. Everyone is dressed to the teeth. I'm sorry, the descriptions of fashion in the actual BSC novels are bad enough that I shouldn't have laughed so hard at the following scene. To compare, let me give you the description of the outfit that Claudia wore on her double-date with Kristy in Kristy And The Sister War, ©1998:

"Finally, she settled on a pink corduroy miniskirt with a lime green sweater. I know it sounds yucky, but on her it looked terrific. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail, wrapped a lime green scrunchie around it, and spiked out her bangs with gel."

And now, the fic:
But Claudia & Stacey, Had let her borrow their clothes, And know she wore a simple red dress, With black shoes with a heel, Her makeup simple, And her hair, Lose around her shoulders, She looked terrific, Bart told her

[snip]

Stacey wearing a white bustier and a baby blue long skirt looked sensational, She’d got a bit of lipgloss on, And some mascara but that was it. Claudia who had been to hair salon, had finally managed to persuade her mum and dad for purple, Pink and blue highlights in her black hair. She looked fabulous. She’d wore a strapless back dress, And left her hair down, Which had also been cut in to her shoulders. She’d worn purple lipfinity and black mascara.

Mary- Anne had worn a cute pink clingy dress, and Dawn had worn a hot pink boob tube, With a black long skirt.

*regains composure* I think it was the 'hot pink boob tube' that really did me in. COULD THEY SEE YOUR NIPPLE PIERCINGS THROUGH THAT, DAWN? XD

Oh, and then there's the tragic scene where Kristy catches Bart making out with another girl and kicks him in the nuts. WAY TO GO, KRISTY! If only she'd done that two years ago, she wouldn't be a mother of a 4 year old at AGE 17.

Following is an unmemorable shopping scene in which Kristy gives her stepsister a bit of dating advice (I wouldn't ask Kristy for advice about boys, myself) and then we head into a family dinner. At this dinner, we discover that Kristy's older brother Charlie has gotten over his bad habit of dating ugly chicks who wear pants larger than size 10 and has decided to marry a hot bitch named Aimee. OK. This is pretty inconsequential to the rest of the plot - I can't figure out why it's in here to begin with. Oh, I guess it's a Catalyst Relationship that gets Kristy and Bart back together. Riiiiiiiiiiight. We are also then treated to the knowledge that Kristy's older brother and his fiancee have spent the better part of the subsequent 12 hours knocking the boots, despite the fact that their ENTIRE FAMILY IS IN THE HOUSE. Have a little bit of restraint, you two! Or at least go out to Charlie's car!

‘Well actually’ he said after a gulf of Apple Juice ‘I think Aimee has something to ask you’
Is that somewhere near the Gulf of Mexico?
Sorry. XD

In Chapter 4, Kristy's daughter Katie develops a mysterious illness which turns out to be bacterial meningitis. Now, I'm going to display my inherently gentle nature here and not rip too hard into the inaccuracies present in Katie's symptoms. After all, this author is clearly not a doctor, and neither am I. So, I will direct you to this page or this page. Regardless of what kind of meningitis Katie has, she should have been immunized against it, unless Watson's millions of dollars were insufficient to cover this. At any rate, I think the author knows about as much about meningitis as she does about sex and drinking, so a lot of the impact of this scene was lost in the whole "Everything I Need To Know About Illness, I Learned From The Internet" presentation of Katie's illness.

At this point, Kristy cries. A lot. Hey, I-Can-Do-Anything Kristy? Where'd you go? I kind of liked you IN THE CANON. At every turn, Kristy takes the opportunity to cry. Yeah, I realize that Kristy is supposedly worried about her child, but I can't imagine that she'd be THIS emotionally fragile. If she was this weak, I'd really hate to know what happened to her when people at school teased her about being pregnant. The doctor arrives, says that Katie may have meningitis, and Kristy once again bursts into tears. See, I dunno, I think she'd get mad instead of bawling like a little girl...oh, wait! She IS still a little girl! Well, it all makes sense now. Kristy beats herself up and says that she's a bad mother for not immediately recognizing that Katie had a life-threatening illness. Now, I suppose this might be in-character if we were referring to take-charge never-say-die Powerful Kristy, but I think she abandoned this story about five bouts of tears ago and left us with Clingy Codependent Kristy.

Yawn. Anyway, Katie gets medicated and isolated - the isolation, I'm told by my friend who knows about these things, is unnecessary, and Cipro is used as a prophylactic more than it is an antibiotic. But I won't dwell on this, and move on to the more offensive Author's Note that ends this chapter:

AN: Thanks for the amazing reviews. One person said that they didn’t buy the story, And Kristy & Bart never even got passed kissing, Without her feeling uncomfortable, Well Kristy & Bart did move on from that. And Krsity one night just decided to do it. Very unlike Kristy I know. But this is fiction.

Okay. This is fiction, sure. But if you're going to write someone completely out of character, for god's sake, it's TIME TO WRITE YOUR OWN ORIGINAL FICTION. Because so far, the similarities between the Kristy Thomas that appears in the Baby-Sitter's Club books and the Kristy Thomas in this fanfic are in name only. I was going to say 'in fashion' too, but later on, Kristy puts on a blue halter top to cover her pink bikini, which is not exactly an outfit that I can see Kristy choosing to wear on her own. So, if you have no interest in writing these people in character, just change their names and call it 'original fiction'. Enough people do that already, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to have one more to add to the pile.

Moving on. Kristy spends the following two days doing nothing but crying, and gets upset when people try to make her eat/sleep/bathe. Mmkay. But of course she's willing to accept Bart and cry into his arms.

'Mommy, Is that you?' Katie said from her bed
Kristy walked to the bed, Sat down in a chair and took Katie's hand into her own
'Yes, I'm here' she said
Katie smiled,
Which made Kristy want to cry again
'I cannot cry' she told herself

You know what, I should have been playing a drinking game with myself so far. I bet it'd make this review funnier too.

- One drink every time Kristy cries.
- Two drinks if she's crying into Bart's arms.
- One drink whenever a main character's name is misspelled.
- One drink every time there's a sex-related implausibility.
- One drink for every pointless cameo by other Baby-Sitters Club members.
- Two drinks whenever I stop and remind myself that this is SUPPOSED to be a Baby-Sitters Club fanfic.

Alright. I think we're ready to go. Kristy starts having Hearfelt Feelings about her daughter - this is evident from the shift in writing style from broken, misspelled, badly punctuated prose to broken, misspelled, badly punctuated songfic style. No credit is given to the original artist who performed the song, but it's by an artist from the UK, "Travis". Here are the full lyrics to the song, mocked by the site owner. It's only appropriate that I link to a lyric site that's as snarky as I am.

Three drinks in that section alone. ALL RIGHT!

Katie recovers, Kristy cries, and the other Baby-Sitters show off their always fashionable sense of style by sending Katie a hodgepodge of clothing that probably rivals a road flare in visibility when combined. But Kristy has an even better present for her - completely ignoring the fact that Kristy is supposedly in college despite being 17 AND raising a child on her own - they're going to Disneyworld! So, school schedules, financial obligations, and any other 'real life' restrictions shoved completely aside, Kristy, Katie, Bart, Bart's little brother, and Bart's parents hop onto a plane and take off for THREE WEEKS in Florida.

‘I’ll take her’ Peter volunteered (AN: Peter is Bart’s lil bro, I have been frantically looking 4 the boy’s name but I just can’t find it, So could sum 1 Tel me!)

I don't even think I need to comment on this. Let's move on.

When they arrive, Bart's parents explain the rooming situation to Kristy and Bart. Wow, apparently Kristy's not the only thing missing periods in this fic.

‘You’re both 17, And I must say we all agree a lot more mature than people your age as you have your fantastic daughter, Bart can have his own room, And you and Katie could share Kristy’ He said

That's right! Because we all know that only mature people have sex, get pregnant, and have children while they're still in middle school. That's the mark of maturity right there!

Kristy nodded, She had a feeling she knew where this was going

‘If you were considering it, There’s one room with a double bed, And the other with two singles, So if you wanted to you too could both share, In the room with the double bed’

...are these people TRYING to encourage another teenage pregnancy? I hope Bart knows a little bit more about contraception than he did when he was 13.

They both nodded

‘Well Janet, Ted’ Kristy said ‘I know I’ll probably stay with Katie, But maybe one night we might…’

‘Yes, You may share a room. BUT we all agree were not sure about you two doing that sort of stuff, If you both want too, Then Kristy then you must phone your mum and step-father and clear it with them, And Bart you must let us know okay?’

...dude, WHAT? XD Am I reading this right? Okay, I think this deserves two or three drinks. Bart's parents invite two 17 YEAR OLDS who have a history of irresponsible unprotected sex to Florida, offer them a room with a bed that they'd share, and then tells them that should the idea of sexual activity cross their minds, they are required to call up their parents on the spur of the moment and ask for permission.

Okay, I'm done laughing! Really! I'm only gasping for air because the atmosphere is very thin here in WHAT-THE-FUCKVILLE. Now, I know that you are all rational human beings, so I'm not alone in thinking that this would NEVER EVER HAPPEN. Now, I'm actually pretty close to my parents, especially compared to a lot of people I know. I can tell my parents when I've done certain things that might cause other parents to freak out. But I cannot fathom the idea of calling up my parents at 12:32 AM when I've suddenly decided to knock the boots and ask them for permission. This is how I think it'd go:

*phone rings*
Kristy's Mom: Mmmph, it's 12:30 AM. Who is this?
Kristy: It's me.
KM: Is everything all right?
K: Of course. Bart and I are just going to have sex, is that OK? We'll attempt birth control, but I can't make any promises.
KM: I'd prefer that you didn't.
K: ...mmm, kthx.
*hangs up*
Bart: What did she say?
Kristy: Who cares. Let's screw.

‘Kristy’ Bart said
‘Yeah’ she answered back
‘How do you feel about sharing a bed then?’
‘I’m not sure Bart’ Kristy said ‘It’s an awful big step’
‘I know, but we’re older and more mature… I think we could handle it, and I promise no stuff until you say so’

That's honorable of you, Bart. More guys should promise not to force sex on their girlfriends, especially after knocking them up, cheating on them, and proving time and time again that you can be trusted about as far as you can be thrown. You know, I can't remember what Bart was like in the canon, but I'll bet he wasn't quite like this. It's not educational and family-friendly, after all!

Kristy changed into some white shorts and a baby blue halter neck top. Underneath was her pink bikini.

You know, if she's not already self-conscious about her body after having been pregnant at age 14, I can't see her getting any better to the point of wandering around in a bikini, since we all know that your self-esteem is at a lifelong low during those years.

I'm going to interrupt this EXCITING TRIP TO FLORIDA and comment on this:

They all got off and then went on the high swing ride (AN: U know you go really high and you go round and round, and you’re on swings, I just can’t remember the name!)

This is what footnotes were created for, honey. And besides, why are you telling us that you can't remember the official name of the high swing ride? I think it's sufficient to just tell us that it's a swing ride that spins around high in the air. Then again, I feel less bad about saying "this author doesn't know about what she's writing about" because the contextual author's notes are pretty much endorsing that for me.

In chapter 10, Katie gets her Big Surprise - she's being written out of the fic and gets to experience life outside, of a world That is presented. In this sort, of fromat. Of course she isn't. The family goes to Disney World, Katie cries a lot (I wonder where she learned that trick) and they go on rides. Yawn. Now, to the author's credit, I vaguely remember the Baby-Sitter's Club book where the entire group goes to Disney World, and it was full of equally dull description. When they return from the Magic Kingdom, there's a LOVE LETTER for Kristy. OOOOOOOOOOH. It's from ~~Bart's father~~ Bart's brother Peter. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?! I'M GONNA DIE FROM ANTICIPATION. I'll bet that it's NOT a bloody rage on Katie's part where she kills her ridiculous parents. No, that would make the fic interesting. XD

So, let's see. Aside from the inaccurate characterization, frequent misspellings, terrible grammar, embarrassing punctuation, unbelievable plot twists, and cliche after mind-numbing cliche, what else is there to say about this fic? I know that I compared reading The Baby-Sitters Club to reading Harry Potter at the beginning of the review, but one thing that Harry Potter has over the BSC books is source material that may not be the most original story in the world, but the writing in Harry Potter is quite good, the story isn't inane, and J.K. Rowling doesn't employ frequent, annoying parenthetical notation.

Save yourself some time - don't even bother with Baby-Sitter's Club fanfic. Especially this one. If you want to be entertained by fluffy teenage writing, read the original books. Hell, if you think the baby-sitting is stupid, just skip over those scenes. I started to ignore them towards the end of my re-reading. Go watch the Lifetime Original Movie "15 And Pregnant" if you want a stupid story about teenage pregnancy and follow it up with an early episode of "Beverly Hills 90210" for lame, soap operatic teenage antics.

And to the author: It seems that using a spell-checker on your fic - which I doubt that you do, seeing as names come up in a spellchecker and "Kristy" was misspelled more times than I can count - is too much work for you. In this case, please enlist one of your fans from the comments on your fic, or perhaps one of your school friends, to be a beta-reader of your fanfic. Rereading your own work for consistency and coherency is not something that should be too much work for someone who is going to post her writing in a public forum. Do your papers for school look like this when you turn them in? Man, I certainly hope not.

Spelling and grammar are to the internet world as tooth-brushing and hair-washing are to the real world. No matter how nice of a person you are, people are still going to form a bad opinion of you based on your outward presentation and hygiene. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to post an author's note that reads, "I have been frantically looking 4 the boy’s name but I just can’t find it, So could sum 1 Tel me!" it's approximately equal to going outside with knots in your hair and a week's worth of scum between your teeth.

Why I hate RP fics

Tue, 18 Mar 2003 14:16:23 GMT

J-ROCK :: Gessekai

Reviewed by Gunstar Heroine w/ assistance from Leather Daddy

PLOT: 1/5 (Generic Vampire Slashfic #38539)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (You DO realize that since this is RPS, the people involved can sue for misrepresentation, right?)
WRITING: 3/5 (Would be exponentially better if she would dump the damn fangirl Japanese. And use fewer commas.)
DISTURBING REFERENCES TO TRAGIC DEATHS OF FAMOUS FIGURES: 5/5

Imagine all the obnoxious tendencies of certain anime fans to scream over favorite characters/couplings (and flame those who disagree), use lots of ignorant fan Japanese, and think up completely insipid and nonsensical plotlines. But instead of anime characters in a fictional world, these fics now involve REAL PEOPLE. Well, real people who sometimes have an onstage persona, but real people nonetheless.

Welcome to the hell that is J-Rock fanfiction.

I have to admit - I have a VERY strong personal dislike of fiction based on real people, be it fanfics, comics, whatever. Writing stories about characters who don't actually exist is fine in anyone's book, but when you start writing about actual living, breathing personalities, you open up a whole new can of worms, both figuratively and legally. The fact that actual human beings are involved makes for some really uncomfortable reading:

- Real people doing things they would never ever do in real life, i.e. Eminem slash.
- Mary Sues taking their teenage fantasies to sickening levels. No, Miss Sue, we really DO NOT CARE about you-, er, your original character's orgy with all the members of Linkin Park.
- Excessive vitriol aimed by the author at real people, channeled through a fic. Usually to some famous personality's significant other.

Every time I see some of these sort of fics, I have to wonder, "What if this person/their family/friends/employer/shoe polisher saw this? What would they think?" This sentiment of mine was echoed when somebody posted a particularly awful Monkees fic on marysues, and then commented she was deathly afraid of Monkees badfic because she was indeed related to one of them. So in short, I think real person fics are very disturbing in several ways, and I fully understand why FF.net took them down. That's just me, of course. You (along with some of the other bitches) may or may not agree.

Both Leather Daddy and I are huge fans of the J-Rock band Buck-Tick. The thought of B-T fic makes us wary to begin with, and when we began reading this one, we realized what a world of pain we had been inducted into.

It's not just the RPS which makes this fic bad. It's decently written but about as uninspiredly generic as slash fics come. I don't really dig slash/yaoi to begin with, so it needs to be unique or well done to hold my interest. This held my interest, all right, but simply because there were assorted annoyances scattered throughout, and I was becoming more and more irritated as I went through it. So much, in fact, I managed to pry myself away from ~~PS2 VF4Evo~~ work long enough to write this review.) The RPS factor just compounded it, and the wholly offensive and tasteless way this author used real-life deaths of famous/semi-famous j-rock figures to progress her narrative is, frankly, disgusting.

Leather Daddy: Ewwwww, RPS AND deathfic?
LD: all in one?
LD: INVOLVING ATSUSHI?
Gunstar Heroine: yes.
LD: dude, you do not do these things to buck-tick.
LD: not while I'm around.

First off, my thoughts on J-Rock. I quite like the stuff, myself. However, I don't think all of it is the beat music ever composed. Just like any other genre of music, there's a range of works from excellent stuff to uninspired crap. I have a few bands I am fond of, and follow the exploits of them and their members. I am, however, afraid of some of the more freakish fans - you know, the ones who think that visual kei is the most beautiful form of artistic expression ever and no foreign music can even TOUCH the wonders which J-Rock has to offer. And OMIGOD THE GUYS ARE SOOOOO HOT!!!!!!!!! (Folks - I don't care how pretty the guys are. If the music sucks, so does the band as a whole. But if they are good-looking and make great music... well, that's just an added bonus ^_-)

I generally try to avoid any sort of J-rock fiction because of the aforementioned aversion to real person fic, as well as that general mindset of some of the genre's more vocal fans. (Raise your hand if you've ever read something like this on a J-Rock page: "OMIGOD!!!!!!!! Die-chama is SOOOOOOOOO KAWAIIIIIIIIII in this pic!!!!!!! *____* And BISHIE SUGIZO!!!! I WANT HIM IN MY ADOPT-a-J-ROCKER HAREM!!!!!") I came across this while looking up some information on a band I had recently listened to a bit of, and so many things about it got to me that I had to put it up here.

Anyways, on to the review of "Gessekai." I sent this to Leather Daddy after I read it, and I think it has the honor of being one of few fics that have truly broken her. We had amusing chat about it while she was first reading it. Bits and pieces will be posted throughout.

LD: IT'S NAMED AFTER GESSEKAI?
GH: Yes.
* LD weeps
LD: there are some things that hurt even me.

This fic is an AU. Er, well, I really hope it was intended to be an AU, because if not, J-Rock fanatics are even scarier than I first thought. It takes place in modern-day Japan and has a bunch of references to actual places, bands, and activities, but it also involves sex and vampires. Thus far, the story consists of three parts. I think it's been abandoned for a while, which is one of the few things it has going for it. The cast of characters are members from various J-Rock groups. Well, they're supposed to be, anyway, but instead of keeping their actual distinct personalities intact, they have been assigned stereotypes you have more than likely seen if you've read any other slash involving vampires:

Atsushi Sakurai, from Buck-Tick. A cynical J-Rockin' closet vampire who becomes carnally obsessed with his beautiful young prey. He them promptly inducts him into "the life", all while screwing him silly.
Ryutaro, from Plastic Tree. Girly uke and newly-undead who is eternally devoted to Atsushi after receiving the wonderful gift of vampire blood through the mouth and soulbonding cement through the ass.
Yukari from (the former) Basier, requisite angster who Ryutaro kills (after boinking him, of course) to relieve him of his worldly pain.
Plus various other cameos, including your friend and mine, Camui Gackt!

POV is one of this fic's biggest issues, and it's problematic from the beginning. Every part of this story starts from a different character's viewpoint, which changes without warning and is highly disorienting. Part 3 even has not one, not two, but THREE POV changes mid-fic. In the case of part 1, we don't find out who's talking until torwards the end. Great way to establish characterization, there. (Although not mentioning a character's name, but still characterizing them IS possible - I think back to when we read Rebecca in high school English class as an example. Still, when your fic is based on ESTABLISHED characters/personalities, attaching a NAME helps, don't you think?)

Okay, so, part 1! The first chunk of the fic tries to establish just how Atsushi came to be a vampire (a one-night stand) and how he makes his life in the mortal realm as a J-Rock musician. Being a vampire is harder that it seems, so he tells us that everything we know about vampires is a total lie. Gasp! Such misinformation must be a conspiracy of the living!

LD: s, so....atsushi is...a vampire....
GH: YES.
GH: HE IS GOTHIC AND BECAUSE OF THAT HE IS A VAMPIRE OMG.
LD: HE IS LIKE, TEH JAPANESE LESTAT LOLOLOL!!1111111

The decades that followed saw the rise of
the band whose vocalist I decided to become.
Intrigued by our ... MY...influence, the hapless
mortals bought our records in innumerable
amounts ~ amounts that staggered the
band's producer and the rest of the band.

Because we all know the rest of Buck-Tick isn't important. Atsushi's the prettiest and thus the only one worthy of recognition. BTW, he was originally the DRUMMER, he just became a vocal out of necessity.

Instead of trying to "hide", I decided to play up
on the "gothic" image. I dressed in black, and
wore black makeup against deathly pale foundation.
It seemed to intrigue the fans, and it amused me no
end. If only people looked closely, they would
see that my skin was too smooth, too pale.

Actually, that smooth paleness would be the fault of the makeup. J-Rock musicians practically cake themselves in the stuff. I've got some of the B-T photobooks - trust me, Atsushi looks nowhere near as good without it.

There are so, so many wrong ideas about life in Japan in this fic. I suppose if you haven't lived there, it's hard to picture EXACTLY what things are like... but at the very least if you are setting a story in a place you haven't been to, do your homework and try to find out what daily life there really is, instead of subscribing to common stereotypes.

Let's see some examples from this chapter:

People in the streets started to dress like us
~ dark eyeliner; pale, pale makeup; long
spiked hair ~

Folks, you won't be seeing hordes of Dir En Grey lookalikes walking around a Japanese city on an average day. Sure, there are some people who do it, but it is quite rare and usually among disgruntled, disillusioned youth. Looking outrageous in public in Japan is still considered a societal taboo.

Nobody believes in vampires anymore. After
all, it is 1999 now, and beautiful boys wearing
makeup and singing "visual rock" songs are now
as common as pachinko machines...

Does this author have any idea how many Pachinko machines there are in Japan? MILLIONS. Visual Rock is nowhere even close to being as pervasive in the mainstream.

And now for something truly appaling:

In the 20 years that I've been here, I've only met
one other vampire. He was a fellow so-called "Jrocker"
like me. He was even more crazy than I, he dyed his
hair pink and went by the name of Hideto.
Then, two years ago, he told me he wanted to leave town.
Permanently.
I was the one who suggested that he staged a "suicide",
it would be more .....amusing....for us immortals, to watch
the humans grieve over somebody who couldn't even
die if he wanted to!

NO.

This paragraph has to be one of the most infuriating things I have yet read in fanfic. Hideto "hide" Matsumoto was indeed a real person, one of the best guitarists and talented musicians Japan had ever produced. His sudden, unexplained suicide in 1998 shocked the nation and left many fans in deep mourning. Some of his fans were so distraught that they tried to or actually committed copycat suicide themselves. This event was a very serious, very sad thing.

So what does the author do? She decides to go and trivialize the seriousness of this event to make it add some "flavor" to the plot. Um, hello? REAL PEOPLE DIED AND/OR WERE HURT HERE! Am I the only person who finds this horribly tasteless?! It is incredibly disrespectful not only to hide's memory, but to his friends, family, and all the fans who grieved for him. (Plus the whole "his death didn't REALLY happen, it was carefully orchestrated!" thing makes me think of neo-nazi fuckheads who claim the Holocaust never happened, and all the media and evidence of it existing is a Jewish conspiracy. Sickening.)

Oh wait, what's this? He just killed someone and is reflecting on it! CUE FLASHBACK!

I saw his image before I ever met him.
Months early, as I was idly flipping through an issue of SHOXX, his face
drew me in, his eyes trapping me with their innocent stare.
An innocent Jrocker? I was fascinated. I wanted to find
out what was _really_ behind that cute look of his.

"The undead secrets within the Japanese rock scene...on the next VH1 BEHIND THE MUSIC!"

I bought magazines, and even went to a few
of his band's lives. Anonymously of course, but
a few heads always swiveled in my direction ~ it was natural for
a tall, dark, Japanese man to attract attention in a room mostly
full of screaming teenage girls.

Another fangirl misconception, here. J-Rock concerts are not girls-only events. (Most of them, anyway.) A lot of these bands have male fans, too. (No, they're not gay, because - holy crap - they like the MUSIC as opposed to just the pretty-boys!) And the women there are NOT teenagers, the vast majority are women in their 20s. Dude, this is J-Rock, not N*Sync. You won't see any 16-year-olds throwing their panties at Atsushi during concert time.

Thus, with his interest (and other things) aroused, Atsushi begins stalking his uke-riffic prey. Atsushi finally encounters Ryutaro after a concert. He reflects on what an ideal weepy uke his new boy-toy will make and how much he will be able to get off from feeding on him.

LD: Beneath that cute, little-boy exterior was a man.
LD: and many FABULOUS PRIZES!

They go to a bar,have a nice chat and then agree to head someplace and hump each other. Ryutaro doesn't yet know that Atsushi is a vampire. Boy oh boy, is he ever gonna get a surprise!

I was surprised
to find in myself more than the usual desire...I felt, almost..
affection...for doomed, beautiful, Ryutaro. ...
As I felt him spiral towards release, he arched into my hands,
begging for more.
At that point, I realised that I ....loved him. His blind trust in me,
so sweet and innocent, I wanted to keep him with me forever...

So many fanfic writers have these insane ideas about what love is and where love comes from. Obsessing over some random J-rocker's pictures is not LOVE. It's like when you were a teenager and infatuated with a famous actor/actress - you bought magazines, books, and movies with their picures on them and would have absolutely DIED to meet them, but was there really LOVE? Or was it just an intense, fleeting fancy? Maybe even lust? I have affection for many different game characters from interacting with and playing in their personas, and I'll say that I "love" them, but do I really LOVE them in the "I want the best and will work for our mutual welfare" sense?

Also annoying is the fact that he LOVES him even though they have been socializing for, what, a couple hours? So many fanfic writers believe in the myth of love at first sight, although I don't know if it's from some sort of outrageously saccharine romantic ideal or the desire to get to the lemony bits faster. What they need to realize is that the best and most interesting relationships, both in real life and in fiction, have always been ones that took a long time to develop. Stories starting out from a couple's first meeting, to their gradually becoming acquaintances, working together, dealing with each other's difficulties and quirks, and eventually coming to the conclusion that they love each other are usually very fun and involving to read. I'm sure if you took a poll, a vast majority of intelligent readers would say they'd much rather read a long story with a developing relationship than a sappy, unrealistic "love at first sight!" plot.

So, after looking at this and a few other examples, I suppose we can file the whole "I barely know you, but I can tell we are IN LUV!" cliche next to "Semen is the glue which cements the bonds of our souls!"

All this time, I'd been fully clothed, but I quickly rectified the problem
now. I pushed him onto the bed, sending him sprawling. I crawled onto
the bed, and on top of his naked form. Crushing his body with the
weight of mine, I couldn't wait any longer. I spread his legs open
with one swift motion, and in one deep thrust violated his body.
Though he was weak, he still let out a scream as the delicate
flesh tore. I stifled his moans with my mouth, and started to
move within him. He was so tight, he had to be a virgin..

Lube? Vampires don't NEED no steenkin' lube! Oh, and I don't think Atsushi's gonna be CRUSHING anyone by being on top of them, no matter how frail and weepy.

Still... virgin? No lube? OWWWWWWWWWWWW. That description of penetration doesn't exactly sound pleasant either.

For vampires, having sex is only foreplay.
It's the taking of life that brings true ecstasy.

Remember this bit. There will be a test later.

I sank my teeth into his limp neck, bursting the
artery that was still beating erratically from his orgasm...
The taste was more than I had ever fantasized... it tasted
of strawberries and cream, of smoke and wine, of human.

You know, I don't think the author intended blood-sucking to sound this ridiculous. It's like Atsushi is eating Ryutaro Creme Pie in a good restaurant.

LD: ............
LD: yeaaaaaaaah. I'm sure.
LD: I hate it when people smell like sunny blue skies or fresh summer rain or taste like strawberries and cream.
LD: not unless he's using one of those flavored sanrio condoms...
LD: AND DUDE, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT

Ryutaro goes into orgasmic death spasms, finally realizing that Atsushi is a vampire but not seeming to care about that OR THE FACT THAT HE IS DYING.

I couldn't bear the thought of him dying... In desperation, I used my nails to slash my wrist. ... I held my wrist to his mouth, practically forcing
the blood down his throat.

"Drink, Ryutaro....if you want to live forever..."

I have never seen this EXACT SAME dialogue in vampire fics before! Honest, I swear!

A sudden shiver went through me as I realised that this was exactly
what had happened 20 years before, but then I felt my lover, my child, latch onto
my wrist with his teeth, and began to suck. As he drained me of blood, I saw
his life flash by... Memories of happier times, memories of friends, family, lovers...
yet, underlying all that, was the memory of a search for...something...

His lover AND child? Um... there's potential squickiness for you. And I'm pretty goddamn sure I know what Ryutaro's searching for: The Cock that Makes Him Whole.

LD: you know how some authors seem to lock punctuation away in a bank vault, to only be used at times of dire emergency?
LD: this person saw a bulk sale on commas.
GH: Indeed.
LD: Atsushi is, confused, and he, needs, to use, commas, to express, himself!

Now on to part 2, where we switch to Ryutarou's POV.

LD: t, this fic keeps going?
LD: MAKE IT STOP

I woke up to an almost unbearable light.
Blinking in the face of the new day, I stretched, truly
discovering for the first time what it felt to be alive.
Well, perhaps not _living_, but I was more aware
of everything than I'd ever been before.
It was as if I'd been viewing my entire life through a dream-filled
haze. The things that I'd
never imagined experiencing...

Becoming a vampire has freed Ryutaro from The Matrix. Or something.

LD: Surprisingly, my body didn't hurt too much, despite being dead.
LD: this is genius along the lines of "I couldn't see too much, despite being blind."

"Iie, Ryutaro, little one." His rich, husky voice spoke in my ear,
causing me to shiver. It was a voice that wrapped me in velvet
of a midnight blue so dark that it was almost black; it was like the rest of
him -- he who swallowed me whole...
"You're neither dead nor alive. My child, you know much, but you
are still young.

Look at that metaphor above. Just LOOK AT IT. Think about it a little and try to restrain from laughing.

So! Ryutaro is a full-fledged vampire now. But, it seemed to take a lot out of poor Atsushi to make him as such, and he is lying weakened it bed. (Jeezus, how much blood did Ryutaro drink?) Here the annoyance of fangirl Japanese also begins to rear its ugly head.

"Sakurai! Daijoubu ka?" My voice, which I'd always disliked for its high, girlish tone,
seemed frightened and alone in the silence of the dingy room. ...
"You won't be able to save me through body warmth, child. I need blood to restore
my strength. "
Unhesitating, I slashed my wrist, mimicking his motion the night before.
The fat red droplets fell one, then another, onto the already bloody sheets.
Kurenai...kirei...

(I love how he even ADMITS he's a girly uke.)

This is just a starter. It gets worse. Let's see some snippets from later on:

"tenshi ja arimasen yo.... you're the chosen one...think of me simply as
the firefly who will
show you the way through the darkness..."

*Sou..... his name was Yukari?*
"Hai....sou nan' koto desu ne..."

"Drink, Sakurai...hayaku....onegai..."
He crawled into my lap, pushing his hips into mine, wrapping his arms
around my neck, offering himself
to me.

"like us? zutto, zutto, futaride issho ni iru no ka?"
I should've known better, but I melted under that hopeful, puppy-eyed look.
"hai, yakusoku da, Ryutaro, yakusoku da...."

And so on, and so on. (BTW, using "futari de" and "issho ni" in the same sentence is incredibly redundant.)

One could argue that since these guys are Japanese and sing in Japanese, that the use of JP in J-rock fic is justified. But, since the people in the fic are already talking in English 75% of the time... why not make it less jarring and annoying, and have it be ALL of the time? Besides, even when these people do speak Japanese IRL, it isn't the hideously malformed pidgin Japanese that authors so often construct knowing little more than bits and pieces gleamed from fansubs and the music they so adore.

Lots of fairly boring reflection on the recent events occurs from here on. The word "love" gets thrown around again a bit, too. Ryutaro angsts a bit that he will have to lie to his bandmates and friends about what he really is. Atsushi reassures him that they have done the right thing. I mean, REALLY reassures him.

You were meant to be one of us", he murmured. "I merely was the vessel."
One of his hands made the journey down to my belly, igniting little sparks
of desire along the way. With swift fingers he undid the buttons and slipped
his hand inside my trousers, causing me to give out an unexpected cry.
His hand...it was so cold... but I didn't care, because the desire that his
mere touch induced in me was so great, I felt as if I was about to die with
pleasure and longing. As I realised earlier, _all_ sensations were heightened
when you became a vampire. Much as I wanted to let my lover rip my clothes
off and take me right there and then, I felt that his body was icy-cold. He needed
fresh blood soon -- and that meant we had to go hunting.

LD: you know, this fic makes no sense.
GH: SURPRISE
LD: it says that sex == foreplay and blood-drinking == sex...
LD: so why is he all "ME SO HORNY" when atsushi primes his motor?

Atsushi decides that today is the day for Ryutaro to make his first kill so he can get his Vampire Merit Badge, or something. But first, a primer on the Vampire Code of Ethics!

"Ryutaro, you will lie to everyone you loved, in order to preserve the life that you used to lead. ... Your heart is good and pure, little one, and I would
do anything to keep it that way. Though you will kill, it is only for nourishment. Do not kill for the
sheer pleasure, or you will fall off the narrow line that we walk between the living and the dead.
Evilness is not the essense of what vampires are, we are merely another part of the cycle."
"But I just want to be with you, Sakurai!" I was surprised at my own words that had
just come out without thinking.

AWWWWWW. He's such a pure, sweet, good-hearted little fuck-doll!

After paying for the hotel room, we left the dilapidated building, heading straight
for nearby Shibuya. It was a place that I had often frequented when Plastic Tree
was just another struggling, unknown band. We -- my friends and I -- had sometimes
wandered into Mandarake, flipping through the doujinshi about Luna Sea, and X Japan
and other famous bands, joking that the day we saw a doujinshi of
ourselves in the stores was the day that we knew that we'd made it in Japan.

You know, those sort of doujin are usually kept on the girls' floor of a Mandarake. Most guys try to avoid that section, as people tend to think strangely of you when you're male and at a place where books of guys boinking each other are being prominently sold. (Hell, my very-cool-but-very-otaku JP friend, who can enjoy damn near any genre, gets all sorts of looks and whispers at stores whenever he buys shoujou stuff.) A J-Rock band probably wouldn't be caught dead looking around there. (Well, most of them, anyway.) Plus, considering the fangirls that are bound to be there, don't you think they would be recognized?

You can't look at the contents of doujin there, either. It's all pre-bagged.

As they begin their hunt, somebody tags Ryutaro on the shoulder. Gasp! BY SHEER COINCIDENCE it is his friend and bandmate Furukawa. Yes, meeting your bestest friend wandering randomly in Tokyo happens ALL THE TIME. He reminds Ryutaro that they were supposed to go to some big bash after the concert. So he lies and angsts, but Atsushi lends him some sort of psychic support. Because that's what soulbonding does, I think.

And now for something completely different:

"You are truly a vampire, Ryutaro. You will know which one is the one."
I couldn't see the source yet. Scouring the streets, I looked for him.
No-one.
And then, suddenly, a flash of blond hair on the other side of the road caught my attention.
"That isn't him, Ryutaro. That was Camui. There are other beings in Tokyo
besides us. There are demons, spirits, ghosts, witches... Camui is an angel who has
lost his way and fallen to the mortal realm. I'll introduce him to you soon."

Jeezus. I've heard some hilariously crazy descriptions of Gackt from his raving, drooling horde of fangirls, and this is the first I've heard about him being literally dropped from heaven. But wait a minute, doesn't he himself claim he's a 400-year-old vampire?

(I will avoid saying any more because, as I have learned, while some J-Rock fans can be very scary, rabid drooling Gackt fanatics are BY FAR the most terrifying of the bunch. I do not want to incur their wrath.)

They detect a bar and head on in. Lo and behold! Fresh meat! Ryutaro's next kill is giving off vibes of sadness. Something happened to a companion of his, it seems, and bars are ALWAYS ideal fic locations for angst-o-ramas.

"Ryutaro desu. Hajime mashite. Anata...?" My questioning tone caught his attention.
He turned to me, and stared, as if surprised by my appearance. He was young
and beautiful, with reddish-brown hair and the trademark pale skin of a jrocker.
I could tell that in front of others, he was always the joyful one, always happy.
His mask dropped, his face radiated a sadness beautiful in its tragedy.
Yet now, taken off guard, he looked utterly lost and miserable.
I can help you, I thought. Help you end the pain that is life...

Yup. He's a croppie.

And thus, we begin Part 3.

LD: this fic is sucking the soul out of me.
LD: I hope that was the intention of the author.....because it certainly does SUCK
GH: "sucking" is a great term for use with vampire fics
LD: yes XD

This is the only part that has an intro to it. I think it speaks VOLUMES.

TITLE: GESSEKAI ch. 3
Author: luthien
Rating: R, bordering on NC-17 (I hope! ^___^)
Genre: Yaoi, Vampires, Angst, DEATH DEATH DEATH!! DEATH!!! you have been
WARNED!!!!!!!
Pairing: Ryutaro X Yukari , Atsushi^2, Atsushi x Ryutaro *grins* yep,
in that order,
Dedication: for mikomiko, kats, jara, and ryousuke (ANIKI! dame da!).
without them this wouldn't have ever been written.
Also for all those jrock fans out there who are willing to protect me from
the crazed Baiser fans
who will surely be after my blood after reading this.. ^^;;;;;;;aaaaaaa!!!
tasukete!!!!!!!

I'm expecting many replies for this one, OK? I wrote this one extra-long... so comment! or I won't post the Baiser side-fic that
explains Yukari's story!!!
*blatant blackmail* ^________________^

Guys, we have a winner on our hands.

First off, Yukari's POV!

I wanted to leave my life behind, to leave behind this pretence that was my
life, if only for a little while.
Sometimes, I feel that "being me"... was it worth the effort?
Even those who loved-- iya...knew me didn't always see who I _really_ was.

It's like reading TaraHGurl782's LiveJournal, or something. "I hate myself and nobody sees who I REALLY AM. I am so unloved. I want to die."

Yukari and Ryutaro then proceed to share a MEANINGFUL LOOK. You know, the one where they stare at each other so intensely that they begin to notice these really, really teensy details in each other's eyes. It's the look authors always describe right before the pair goes off to hump like bunnies.

"...let me take away your pain..." My chain of thought interrupted, I
suddenly found myself
fascinated by the graceful way words formed on his lips. I had tried to
conceal my pain from
everyone, and I had thought I had succeeded, even fooling myself...and now
this complete
stranger saw right through my defences...
I've always thought it ironic that when you're upset, it only makes it
worse if someone tries
to ask you what's wrong, or if they can do anything to help. And so now,
I couldn't seem to control the
expression on my face, and despite the makeup, I felt a solitary tear
escape and roll down my cheek.

Hey, it's that lone teardrop thing again. ARGH. Why must ukes always cry poetically? After that tear, Yukari really DOES turn into a whining teenage blogger, weeping profusely and swearing in Fangirl Japanese. But he looks up and RYUTARO IS CRYING TOO. It's a damn disease, or something.

So now we move into H/C territory as Ryutaro makes a silent, generous offer to screw away the pain.

I sensed something unusual about Ryutaro, but I never even guessed at
the truth. How could I have
been expected to know that he was a vampire? When I finally discovered the
truth, it was already too late.
Just as it had been too late to save Shai.
I watched as he hopped off the bar stool and took a step towards me. ...
Looking up at me, he held out his hand.
"Shall we go, itoshii?"
I hesitated, wondering if I should take it.
"Tell me about Shaisuke..." his soft voice broke in...
I looked at him, shocked, unable to stop the tears welling up again in my
eyes. I slid
off my seat, and looked at him, my vision blurred by the tears.

EWWWWWWWWWW!!! WHINY ANGSTY WEEPY UKE!!! KILL IT!! KILL IT!!!!

(... at least I get THAT wish.)

And now back to Atsushi. He is both happy for his little Ryutaro and jealous at the same time, cause dammit, it means someone ELSE is gonna get to do the humpty dance with him! Time to chase!

Instinctively, I knew where Ryutaro would take the drunk young man.
There's some primitive instinct with every vampire that demands that the
first kill be
consummated out in the open, under the night sky, for the heavens to bear
witness.

Well, for initiation, it sure beats getting a chocobo reaming.

There was something wrong. I'd known it from the moment I noticed
Ryutaro's tears in the bar. The cardinal rule was never to let yourself
get sucked
into the spiral those about to die inevitably create, and my greatest fear
was that
Ryutaro had been seduced by the sorrow of his victim. That was the black
hole that
all vampires had to be wary of when they took a life.

Part 3: Now with 100% more gratuitous angst.

We are also told that Atsushi trips over a branch and retches up his drinks while chasing Ryutaro. I call Unnecessary Detail.

Supporting myself against a cherry-blossom tree, I brushed
off the dirt and sakura
petals that had gotten onto my clothes. Looking at the pink-stained petals
that clung stubbornly
to my hair, I was reminded of the legend that the pink color of the flowers
is because there's a dead
warrior buried beneath each cherry tree, that the tree feeds on their
blood. Laughing, I marvelled
at the humans whose legends were so close to the truth.

It's the obligatory CLAMP reference (Tokyo Babylon) in an angstfic. Cuz, you know, all the COOL ficcers do it.

Now over to Ryutaro! No immediate sex, though, we need even more moping first...

I gently pulled his coat off, and
spread it on the damp ground.
I gestured for him to sit on the coat so he wouldn't get wet. ...
I could sense the hurt radiating from his entire being...never had I met
anyone
in as pain as he. Vampires feed on death and pain, so perhaps it was only
natural for me
to become transfixed by the beautiful pain that emanated from Yukari.
And all of a sudden, I wasn't nervous or jumpy anymore. It was as if
something had
taken over my body, telling it what to do. ... I felt small fingers of hunger caress my being,
rousing
my desire... I slid into Yukari's lap, trying hard to ignore the slight
shiver that rippled through my
awareness as our bodies touched. I could feel him tense up as I slipped my
arms
around his neck and drew close to him, snuggling against the firmness of
his chest. His heartbeat
was somewhat erratic, and each breath seemed to be a struggle for him, as
if his body's natural will to
live was fighting a constant battle with his mind.

You see that? SUFFERING IS BEAUTIFUL! PEOPLE IN PAIN AND HURTING IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD!

Yukari cries some more, and then they finally get on with it. Again, I have to wonder why they spend so much time on foreplay when it was said that the sex act itself is mere foreplay for vampires.

Fascinated by the way his lips moved, I couldn't help claiming them with
my own mouth, wanting to
savor firsthand their softness. I realized that he wasn't ready to tell me
about Shaisuke, so I
tried to make him forget. Even if he wouldn't, couldn't, tell me about
Shaisuke, I would learn the story soon
enough when I drained the tempting blood from his veins, sucking him
dry. I wriggled my hips, seeking a
more comfortable position on his lap. I let out an involuntary gasp as I
felt his hardness pressing intimately against
me, the telling evidence of his desire, even though he hadn't returned my
kiss. I felt my own length throb painfully
as the blood rushed down to the lower regions of my body. Closing my eyes
briefly, I wondered why I felt
a fleeting sense of guilt, of betrayal. I had a duty to perform,
and Yukari came before my own pleasure.
I paused, wondering if he would allow me to love his body, even while his
mind thought only of another.

And so on, and so on. Also note the "poetic" quote at the end of this particular scene.

Wait, we're back to Atsushi again. He watches them in the shadows (Oh boy! Kinky voyeurism!), and then decides it would be a great time to jerk off.

Although I wanted nothing more than to march up to the mortal, drain him,
and then fuck Ryutaro
senseless, I knew I had to let Ryutaro learn how to kill, how to literally
seduce the life away from the living. ...
I could feel my pulse quicken as I pictured Ryutaro, his slender body
thrusting into his victim while his
small hands drew the man's neck ever closer to that sweet death.. in the
end impaling the mortal
with his teeth while still embedded deep within his body....down there...
Almost unconsciously, my hand drifted down to caress the throbbing length
concealed in my pants.
Shuddering at the painful ecstacy, I saw tiny sparks dance across my
eyelids as I scrunched them shut
from the sensations that my hand brought me...imagining it was Ryutaro's
hand, not my own.
*Ryutaro...zutto...zutto...ore no Ryutaro...*

GH: Sparks is a majorly recurring word in this fic.
GH: I have no idea why.
LD: that sounds like he took them in his hand and crushed them like one of those drunken attempts to crack a walnut in your fist!
LD: his poor eyelids!
GH: Atsushi's eyes deserve better.
GH: They should not be in fic. at all.
LD: neither should any of his other body parts!

Atsushi soon hears the "audible tear of flesh" (since when did it make a noise?) and realizes his protege has done his vampiric duty. Personally, I'm happy I don't have to hear about Yukari bawling anymore.

And then, all of a sudden, the pain-filled cries ended, and he stood front
of me, swaying slightly,
a beautiful, deadly, nymph of the forest, covered in damp bits of grass,
flower petals and blood. The victim
must have put up a good fight. I was proud of my Ryutaro, ashamed that I'd
doubted him. Gloriously naked,
his mouth smeared with the mortal's lifeblood, he looked at me. His eyes
were half-closed, heavy with sated desire
and hunger, his pupils dilated with an irresistable wildness. For a
moment, he just stood there proudly,
completely bathed in the silver light, perfect skin marked by liquid
crimson stains.

No after-kill sex just yet, though, because Ryutaro has to share all the bloody fun with his mentor. YAY!

Perhaps
the most tantalizing thing
about draining the blood of mortals is that when you drink, you see their
life flash before you, you can
feel their emotions, their dreams, their whole essence. You could say that
we get high on such a
powerful and heady drug - which is why some vampires get addicted to the
sweet ecstasy that
killing brings.

I'd really hate to be a vampire if that blood was Corey Haim or Bob Saget or someone like that.

Ryutaro comes back all nice and swollen with blood to share with his vampiric sugar daddy. As Sakurai feeds from him, Ryutaro gets all weepy-eyed over the life of the guy he just killed. Sakurai reassures him that his victim is happy now, and he and Ryutaro will BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER!

We then find out the full story of our former sobbing uke as Atsushi sucks Ryutaro dry:

Although I normally pride
myself on my self-control, the life of this Yukari and his Shaisuke touched
me deeply. ...
Yukari and a red-haired man, laughing together, kissing, making love,
doing all the things that
couples do...and then...my heart twisted painfully as the story changed its
tone. I saw the red-haired
Shaisuke and Yukari...in the streets of Tokyo, sakura swirling in the
air....coming across several yakuza...
... blood flowing from a fatal knife wound...pooling around Shaisuke's
cooling body...the tears of his lover..
..a last, shared smile......and then.....the police...arriving too late, as
always...the hospital...the funeral...
...the grieving friends...the sorrow...the drinking...the search to be with
Shaisuke again...
...the fast descent into hell...It passed by in a blur, faster and faster,
as if Yukari had wanted to
fastforward past the painful memories.

I think the place selling commas also had an ellipsis overstock.

Of course, what's disturbing is that, indeed, Shaisuke DID actually get killed. (Not like this, though, it was a car accident.) But, it seems this part of the fic was put up in the year 2000 (La Bamba voice: "In the year two-thouuuuuuuusaaaaaaaand!"). Shaisuke passed away in 2001. Unlike the last death reference, I can't really say the author was being disrespectful because he wasn't dead yet. But still, the pure CREEPINESS of it is evident, and the whole idea of deathfic involving real people is rather disconcerting, don't you think?

I held
Ryutaro even more
tightly, suddenly afraid for us. In the darkness, I felt that I could say
whatever I wanted. The normal rules
didn't apply anymore to us.
"Aishiteru, Ryutaro." I pressed a gentle kiss to his temple, smoothing
back his damp hair with my palm,
picking off flakes of dried blood and grass from his locks.
"I love you so much it hurts."
I knew he was sound asleep, but I still felt him smile against my
neck. Lulled by the rythmic sound of his
breathing, I suddenly realized he loved me too.

LD: oh, thank god, that's it *_*
LD: dammit, that touched me in BAD PLACES.
LD: buck-tick vampirism rps deathfic.
GH: With a totally tasteless reference to poor hide.
LD: where is an angry god with his thunderbolts right now?

So, in summary, this fic is just plain bad to begin with, with all sorts of annoyances and tastelessness that make it worse. I should note that the title comes from a Buck-Tick song, Gessekai, which was used as a theme to an anime called Night Walker, and while not stunning, it's a nice little show. If you DO want a vampire fix with B-T involved, I'd definitely take watching that any day over reading crapfic like this.

I think a more appropriate B-T tune, in relation to this fic, would be "Nakayubi."

INVADER ZIM :: NEW FEELINGS

Thu, 13 Mar 2003 19:16:18 GMT

"New Feelings"

Reviewed By Fubar Prelate (guest reviewer)

SCORE:
PLOT: 2/5 (It consists of four or five scenes, telegraphed plot developments, no twists whatsoever that can't be seen from a mile away.)
CHARACTERIZATION: 2/5 (Props for trying to reconcile IC personalities with a ludicrously OOC relationship.)
WRITING: 2/5 (Plenty of punctuation; just all the wrong ones in all the wrong places, is all.)
COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR COMPLETE AND UTTER VIOLENT HATRED BETWEEN CHARACTERS: 7/5

This, indeed, is a grand experiment.

Quite simply: I am MALE. As far as the FicBitches know (or can remember), I am the first guy ever to write a guest review for this site. There have been many speculations as to whether this sort of thing could work. (Ninety percent of those speculations have been from me.) As a guy -- a guy who is definitely not a fan of slash pairings -- could I objectively write a review of a story centering around it, without resorting to the typical "ewwww slash bad" reaction that some might expect? More to the point, can I seriously exude the sort of bitterness and cynicism required to contribute to FicBitches?

Let's find out. If I fail, this will never be posted, and y'all can go about your lives, blissfully unaware of my catastrophic failure.

The story I have chosen to rend limb from limb is a little ditty entitled "New Feelings". Wow. Somebody help me. I'm already reeling from the sheer creativity of it all. It's a fairly short Invader ZIM slash romance fic, between ZIM and Dib. Nothing too graphic, because I didn't want to scald my virgin eyes too soon. The author starts with a nice little warning:

Ok just be warned this is YAOI, (male + male)!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Could I make it clearer?! Everyone: Um..... no we got it ^^;;

The first line, and she's already putting words in everyone's mouth. Then again, how could we not get it, with all those exclamation points? It's a proven fact that the more exclamation points you add to the end of a sentence, the more your point gets across. For example, Dubya was recently quoted as saying, "Saddam is BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!1!" and the next day the entire UN Security Council voted to cut Iraq out of the ground and launch it towards Jupiter. You see? Exclamation points work, folks!

She then goes on to remark:

Ok well if you don't like it please don't read it, kay? Ok well no one belongs to me...... or I would put Zim and Dib together FOREVER!!!!!! BWAHAHAH!! Er... um you probably know the couple now ^^;; well enjoy!

Oops. Sorry, folks. I have to stop this review now. The author told me so.

Actually, it's quite a good thing no one belongs to the author. Jhonen Vasquez agrees, as seen in the following snippet from an IRC interview with him:

JhnenV: Hmm..fanfic stuff? They have some pretty twisted ideas, some that I've seen.
JhnenV: They have ZIM and Dib falling in love ideas.
JhnenV: That makes me ill.
JhnenV: ill to my belly.
JhnenV: My ill-prone belly.

Before I go on, I should get all my tiny anal-retentive writing gripes off my chest. You've probably heard all these a dozen times in a dozen different fic reviews, so I might as well cover them all right now. So here we go:

"Okay" is not spelled "Ok", nor is it spelled "kay". There is no worldwide shortage of commas; use them. Likewise, exclamation points are not herd animals. "Himself" is not two words. Ellipses have three dots in them, not two, not four, and using them every other sentence makes it sound like your characters are randomly going catatonic. To / two / too, dammit. "Yeah" is not spelled "Yea"; "Yea" is what you say if you're tallying a vote in the British House of Commons. Finally (although this one is really nitpicky), Irken names are always spelled in capitals; it's "ZIM", not "Zim".

Now then... the story starts with Ms. Bitters' class going on a field trip to the nature park. Dib "accidentally" falls forwards, pushing ZIM, and the two land "on opposite sides facing each other, while stuck in between the door opening". That was quite a fall, landing on opposite sides of insert missing object here. I can just envision it. Wait... no, I can't.

Dib is naturally mad at ZIM for getting in the way of his trip to the ground:

"Hey get out of my way ALIEN SCUM!" Dib yelled as he struggled to free him self from the position.
"HA! You got noooooo proof, NO PROOF AT ALL HAHA!" Zim yelled back. Dib scowled and walked off towards the group.
"Why did I do that again?! Every time I see him I just HAVE to insult him!" Dib thought as he caught up to the group.

Here, we learn that all of this time that Dib has been insulting ZIM, he hasn't actually meant to! Awwww! It's wike a widdle schoolyard cwush, where the boy kicks the shins of the, um, other boy, but it really means he likes him! In fact, every time someone picked on you as a kid, it meant that person loved you. It's true! That schoolyard bully was such a playa.

Naturally, Herr Plotvorrichtung pokes his head in and ensures that Ms. Bitters sticks ZIM and Dib together on the trip:

"Zim, Dib! You two will work together!" Ms. Bitters commanded them.
(A/N: You saw that coming didn't ya? :)

Ack! Fourth wall... broken... bricks... everywhere. There are times when the narrator can talk directly to the audience. This isn't one of them. I'm sorry, but you do not interrupt your story to insert a little humorous chuckle here or there. I can see it now: "Sam fell on his knees, trembling. 'Get up, Sam!' said Gandalf. 'I have thought of something better than that. Something to shut your mouth, and punish you properly for listening. You shall go away with Mr. Frodo!' (A/N: OMG you saw that coming didn't ya? :) Tho I'm sure I could think of better punishments! ;)"

Ms. Bitters announces that the class will go on a scavenger hunt, adding some perfunctory uses of the word "doomed". ZIM then stares at Dib:

Zim found himself staring at Dib "Why does he look so tense? Oh, I wonder what's troubling him, still he looks kind cute.... er-- I mean horrible! His head is big and.........." Zim thinks as he continues to stare at Dib.

"I have never shown any romantic feelings whatsoever to anyone, except to TAK, and even then I was faking it to try and conquer the planet, but suddenly I think my mortal enemy is a big fuzzyhead!" Mm-hmm. Yup. Ms. Bitters issues some warning about not losing their map, or they'll be "DOOMED". Herr Plotvorrichtung is joined by Señor Presagio.

The angsting continues as ZIM and Dib trudge along through the forest, with Dib eventually choking out a compliment towards ZIM's backpack. ZIM, with his foul mouth, utters the word "gosh". But then, I guess "stinking fetid pile of human FFFFFILTH" would've killed the mood.

Finally, they arrive at a waterfall. Hola, Señor Presagio! ¿Que pasa? Note that, apparently, this waterfall cascades down into a crystal-clear insert body of water here.

"Epp!" Zim yelled as he saw the massive water falling down.

Epp? The types of misspellings authors miss in their fanfics never fail to amaze me. The fact that someone can misspell "eep" -- and, furthermore, not catch it before posting the story to the Internet -- probably shouldn't surprise me at this point, but it does. I'm obviously not jaded enough to be a true FicBitch. ("Or FicBastard." -- Rebel Toy)

"Oh.... what's the matter Zim, afraid of a little water?" Dib smirked.
"N-no! Of course not-- yea......" Zim hung his head in shame as to be defeated.

This actually pisses me off more than the entire alleged relationship between the two. ZIM would never admit defeat, under any circumstances, especially not to Dib. But I'll give the author the benefit of the doubt, and say that the "new feelings" are causing him to falter.

"Aw..... fine I'll get the stuff for the hunt, you just stay here" Dib told Zim.
"Your not gonna try to push me in or anything?!" Zim said surprised.
"Um uhhh" Dib started.
"So you are!" Zim yelled.
"I wasn't going to!"
"Yes you were!"
"WAS NOT!"
"WAS TOO!"

In truly cinematic fashion, the two move closer to the waterfall while arguing. Wait, what? They're not pushing each other, or fighting each other, they're just shouting and walking at the same time. The author probably wanted to convey the image of ZIM approaching Dib as they fought, with Dib backing up, but I just got the image of the two doing an odd sideways shuffle-step as they fought. Argumentative line-dancing. Dib trips on the rock he was standing on (which we are just made aware of at this point), flails his limbs comically (in my mind's-eye, anyway), and falls into the insert body of water here. It's a deep unnamed geological feature, too. The unladen (as far as we know) Dib sinks, in complete contradiction to the laws of physics, but Herr Plotvorrichtung is powerful indeed. Maybe his overcoat is lined with lead.

"DIB!" Zim yelled. He watched helplessly as Dib struggled to stay afloat, Zim didn't want to see Dib get hurt.... But Zim couldn't he would burn up right away.... Dib sank under the water "DIB! Well.... here goes nothing...." Zim said to himself as he dived into the water.

Okay. Let's count the number of times that ZIM has tried to kill or otherwise eliminate Dib, shall we? He has pushed Dib off a fence into a yard of ravenous pit-bulls; invaded him microscopically in an attempt to lobotomize him; stalked him in an attempt to steal all of his organs; dropped a water balloon roughly the size of Phobos on him; launched him (and his classmates) into a wormhole (toward the Room with a MOOSE!); altered his past with rubber piggies in an attempt to eliminate him from existence; hypnotized him with a giant zit named Pustulio; attempted to turn him inside-out; turned him into bologna; trapped him in a cage with an angry monkey; piloted Mars in an attempt to pulverize him; piloted a giant Eva lookalike in another attempt to pulverize him; and a few more things that I'm sure I've missed. Naturally, then, ZIM's first reaction to seeing Dib sink like a stone is to jump in, at serious risk to his own life, and save him.

ZIM manages to locate Dib, who has his coat stuck under a rock, which apparently fell after he did and just happened to land on his coat, trapping him. ZIM manages to pull Dib out of the water before burning to death. Having "heard of a thing called CPR when GIR was watching TV," he decides to perform it. Call me crazy, but trusting anything that was on TV when GIR was watching it seems just a tad risky, wouldn't you say? Given the attention span of that robot, I'd imagine ZIM would think CPR was to lay the victim down, scream about crazy tacos, stare at an angry monkey, and finally smear zit cream on your face. But that doesn't matter, because CPR provides the opportunity for Justified Slash Kissing.

Dib wakes up right before ZIM goes to town, and realizes that ZIM saved him from drowning:

"Why?" Dib asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, since your kinda my rival, why would you want to save me, and you being an alien who wants to rain doom on planet earth?"
"Well.... um--" Zim was tongue tied. "Um well I just didn't want to um... actually SEE someone die, er you know"

...says the alien who shot chickens into the sun, and watched a giant mutant hamster of his own making stomp on hundreds of folks.

After hiking Just Far Enough Away, Dib realizes that he left the map at the waterfall, and on cue, it begins to rain. They decide they have to build a shelter for the night, because of ZIM's "water thing". Because, you see, diving into a body of water to rescue someone is okay, but falling raindrops spell out instant death. It's here that the love confession takes place.

"Quickly, get in!" Dib and Zim dived into the shelter, but it was kind of small for them so they were squished together. Seeing this Zim blushed, until his face was bright red, he looked over into a puddle to see his faced was red.
"AH! My face is red!" Zim yelled scared.
Dib laughed "Your just blushing, it's when your embarrassed or when your in-- er...." Dib started but stopped himself.
"In what?" Zim asked "In a house, in a coma, in doom?!" Zim asked.
"Um....er" Dib hesitated, he was worried that Zim would find out how he felt about him.
"IN WHAT?!" Zim asking frustrated now.
"IN LOVE!" Dib yelled at the top of his lungs.
"O-oh" Zim looked down and thought "Could I be in love?"

Ignoring the complete lunacy of this pairing, I'm awfully disappointed here. There are no butterflies in stomachs, no hearts pounding, no cold sweats, no lightheadedness. Just some blushing. Which, of course, would be pretty difficult to see in a dark shelter underneath a storm cloud. There's a five minute silence, and then the two go to sleep. Thank goodness. In the hands of a more disturbed author, this is where the "exploration" would've gone. Then, in the morning, we get this shocking revelation:

Ever since he saw Zim he had loved him, thinking it would cover up his feelings, Dib pretended to chase after Zim to prove he was an alien, but in reality he truly loved him.

(A/N: Sorry! ^^; For all you ppls out there yelling at me for saying that (maybe ^^;) But that's just what I think)

Very well. You are entitled to your own opinion, Random Interrupting Author's Voice. Perhaps Dib also loved the vampires, werewolves, sasquatches and chupacabras he chased after. Oh, but wait, those episodes never happened, because they didn't involve ZIM. And how do you explain his attempt to expose ZIM on "Mysterious Mysteries"? Or to his class? If the whole "alien exposé" thing was just a front, why was he trying to convince others of it all the damned time? Why was he gloating over ZIM's lab-tortured body in "Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom"? Shouldn't he have been weeping the sweet tears of the uke for his lost love? (No, no, no. I will not be drawn into a hypothetical debate over who would be which.) I'm sorry, but no matter which way you slice it, I simply cannot find an adequate justification for this pairing. If you can, more power to you.

So Dib confesses his love, Zim confesses his love, there's a hint at a joke involving Almighty Tallest Purple and Red (finally, the first laugh of the review that wasn't laden with pain), and Ms. Bitters yells for them. Finally, there's the author's last note:

Awwwwwww!!!!!!! I LOVE IT ILOVEIT I-er sorry ^^;; I'm just happy cause I made a good romance fic! (Well I think ^^;;;) Well it was kinda sappy and fluffy ^^; PLEASE REVIEW!! I BEG OF YOU *gets on hands and knees* PLLLLLLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?! *gets up* Er sorry ^^; But I worked kinda hard on this ^^; and well I just NEED reviews ^^ Well till next time seeya!

I don't think you need this sort of review. After all, it contains more criticism than bootlicking, and those kinds of reviews are baaaaaaad. This was a self-serving fic, written because it's what the author would like to see, and only posted on the Net for the purpose of ego gratification. (Much like this review.) I give the author points for trying to work some semblance of canon into the relationship, but there's simply not enough there. Slightly (and only slightly) more likely would be some sort of incredibly significant event that got the two together, such as an incredibly powerful mutual enemy, that would force them to work together. You can't just take their current character dynamic and claim that it's just misdirected love, because their mutual hatred is just too vicious to pass it off as such.

Finally, in closing, I have to correct what one enraged review recipient had to say about FicBitches. FicBitches is not the "bin Laden of fanfic reviewers", I'm sorry to say. FicBitches is the Simon Cowell of fanfic reviewers: mean and hated by many, but deadly honest. If you can't handle it, then don't step up to the nationally-broadcast stage that is the Internet.