My soul is tainted.
Ficbitches
ficbitches

WELCOME TO HELL :: The Greyarchive requests page

By Gunstar Heroine



SCORE
PLOT: -5/5 (When horny hopeless fanboys attack)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (As long as it SAYS so-and-so is screwing whoever, who cares?)
WRITING: 0/5 (They're almost as bad as the people who write the stuff)
LOSS OF FAITH IN HUMANITY: 15/5 (I feel dirty.)

SOOPER DOOPER UPDATE SPECTACULAR! We've been noticed! (copy and paste URL.) I feel so... special, maybe. While not as amusing as the Wild Lamb response, it's still an ironically funny read. The Bin Ladens of fanfiction hit again! (NOTE: That's US.)

My favorite part has to be when he asks people to "touch their bottons". I first I read that as "touch their bottoms," like they were requesting the authors to go all Schwarzenegger on us. XD

I also wonder why they never get as pissy when they get trashed on places like Something Awful and/or Portal of Evil. Oh well, you can't figure out the minds of these people.


Hellos. GH here to provide you with pain amusement whilst Leather Daddy is following up on the RPS stuff. We honestly didn't expect such a big turnout, so she's got her work really cut out for her. Remember, LD, you have nobody to blame but yourself. ^_-

Today's entry will also be different from the standard review. Instead, we'll be looking at part of a fic archive. Not just ANY fic archive, mind you...

If fanfiction.net is the Pit of Voles, then the best metaphor for the Greyarchive would be "The Evil Bottomless Swamp of Despair." For those of you who have (thankfully) never been there, the Greyarchive is a host for "erotic" fanfiction of many different persuasions, 99% of which is either mind-numbingly horrifying in content or contains a quality of writing that looks like the author was trying to type it all out as quickly as possible one-handed. Usually both.

The stuff on here ranges from the diamond-in-the-rough fic, which is actually readable and erotic, to the overwhelming majority of hideous crap. Where else on the web would you be able to find:

* Sailor Moon dickgirl epics ("Slutty Serenity")
* sadistic necrophiliac torture yarns featuring FFX's Lulu ("The Dam Breaks")
* Golden Axe ESL rapefic ("The Kidnapping of Tyris Flare")
* FF7 yuri fics that require a Rosetta Stone to read properly ("Tifa And Yuffie's 5 Nights of Passion" on the "older video game fics" page)
* Chrono Trigger orgies ("Tidings of Comfort and Joy" chapter 4, also on the older game fic page)
* The Little Mermaid sex slavery ("The Little Mermaid" found on the anime page), and
* La Blue Girl and Power Rangers Ninja Storm crossovers ("La Blue Storm")

Among many, many other things!

In fact, there's so much shit here it's almost impossible to pick out one single thing that would be scary enough for a review. So, we're not going to look at an actual completed fic today. Instead, we're going to be taking an extra special peek at one of the must stupifying portions of the whole mess - the Requests Page.

Prepare yourselves, folks, from here on, there's NO TURNING BACK.

When you fall into a bottomless pit, you die of starvation.Collapse )

*** ADDENDUM ***

Hey, Rebel Toy here. Administrative blather following this important announcement:

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I'm playing bitchmommy today, and all of you need a fucking spanking. I'm not annoyed because we were spammed by dozens of anonymous posters, or because someone dared to disagree with our mighty opinions, or because we were laughed at in the GA forums. (Oh no! Our bitchy siteful of deviants was mocked by an even larger and more fucked up siteful of deviants!) No, chillens, I'm irritated because of the ridiculous amount of misunderstandings, misapprehensions, oversensitive whining, and personal accusations/insults I saw in the comments. Do you LIKE flamewars? So I'm going to clarify some things in an effort to restore the peace.

Simplified things for simple people.Collapse )

These replies have become far too long and you probably stopped reading several pages ago, so I'll end my rant by making this point: we don't care if people don't like us, or we get fandom_wanked, or whatever, so long as we were properly understood. Misunderstandings and lj_drama in our comments are very frustrating.

--rebel toy

Let's try something a little different. ("The Hunt for Good RPS")
Leather Daddy
ficbitches
No, this isn't an admin notice, don't worry!

Leather Daddy is having some technical difficulties that are keeping her from the RPS. I'll get to these stories soon, I swear!

BTW: If you recommend a long archive of stories and you don't specify that "fic #______ is the one that will change your life and your way of thinking, but fics x, y, and z are necessary backstory so you have to read them first," it's hard for me to see a list of 20 related stories and go, "oh boy, time to read them all!" Give me a hand, here. I want to be fair, but if you don't focus my reading, I'll use the time-honored "stick a fork in 3-5 places, see if it's done" technique. Which may indeed lead me to miss that "FIC THAT WILL ROCK MY WORLD," but I had no idea which fic that was!

Editorial comment #1: I have the greatest respect for you authors (um...usually...) but really, why offer up your fic and then say you don't care what we think? This is sort of a fic review site, you know.

Editorial comment #2: On that note, the adjectives "famous" and "popular" and "well-liked" mean very little to us as a description of a fic. (see: site description)

Editorial comment #3: By the way, you'll notice that none of the ficbitches has really honestly attacked RPS or RPF fandom. We just say the WRITING is often shitty. We haven't even touched the issue of whether it's right or wrong or whether RPS'ers are going to hell or whether people who hate RPS are just narrow-minded bigots who are unwilling to have their viewpoints expanded. (I personally love that last one. Yes, let's all take our fandom very seriously, people.) Please keep that in mind, all right?


Some time ago, Gunstar Heroine reviewed a J-Rock RPS (real-person-slash) fic. Part of the responses to that fic were along the lines of, "Well, of course you're going to dislike BAD RPS, there's lots of good RPS!"

As one of the people who thinks that all RPS is terrible crap, I took that advice to heart and went searching for good RPS. I went to about a dozen rec pages and read their suggestions for RPS. I asked friends who were into RPS. I read actorfic, musicianfic, boyband slash - I read a lot of it. I did my research.

I have yet to read RPS that doesn't make me want to stab my eyeballs out. Either the writing quality is poor, or the "characters" are uninteresting, or the storyline is completely retarded. "An AU where all the boyband members hang out at Skateland in junior high and everyone is gay!" I have read more retarded Eminem slash than I care to. Eminem x Lance Bass. Eminem x Sean Biggerstaff (no, I'm not kidding.) Lots of Eminem x Elijah Wood. Lance Bass x Orlando Bloom. Eminem x Lex Luthor. Eminem x QAF cast. Carson Daly brutally raping Justin Timberlake as a 17-year-old.

I *know* all of this is essentially braincandy, but can't it be INTERESTING braincandy? Most of the fics are essentially about how so-and-so is obsessed with Pixi Stix, so he gives them to his crush who doesn't understand the DEEP SIGNIFICANCE of the gesture, and the entire fic is their retarded attempts to reconcile and do the Humpty Dance. That level of infantile cutesy behavior that's excused because it's FAMOUS AND GAY behavior drives me up the wall, and it seems to be par for the course in RPF.

So, here comes my proposition. You people who claim that good RPS exists - prove it. Leave the link in the comments. I'll read it, and assuming I don't get dozens and dozens of replies, I'll reply with what I thought about it. (RPS and RPF - that is, non-slash, if it exists? are both welcome.) You non-RPS-fans are also welcome to read the fic and leave comments; just try to keep things succinct and fic-related. I'm the only one allowed to ramble for pages around here, dammit!

Go for it. Let's see if you can prove me wrong.

EDIT: What do I mean by "good"? A partial explanation. I'm not asking for realism, or even 100% feasibility, but I'm asking for an interesting story that isn't a madlibs slash story. If you read this thread about how Vivi's LOTR smutfest broke my mind and soul and I compared it to those soul-breaking Depeche Mode slashfics, I realized that the similarities extend far beyond their ability to reduce me to incoherency.

I realized that it was because YOU COULD EASILY INTERCHANGE THE NAMES.

big mean manipulative abusive seme or "top" or "dom": dave gahan/viggo/sean bean
weepy wussy uke who needs serious deep-dicking the seme's "love": martin gore/orlando/elijah
everyone else: held at bay, because either they love the seme and he's too much of a manwhore for them...or they love the uke, and big jealous psycho seme won't allow that.

It's very sad if a fic remains the same whether the cast of lord of the rings or the members of depeche mode are subbed in. That's not a good fic.

That's just an example of what I mean by "bad characterization." In general, people write these real people as brain-dead morons whose sole identifying characteristics are who they want to fuck and how they want to do it. Or they're weepy and whiny and co-dependent like Uke-Wan Kenobi of Star Wars fandom fame. I come out of the fic literally knowing nothing more about this "character" than they like to be tied up and paddled, or they have abandonment issues that allow their "lover/master/owner" to shamelessly abuse them.

BO-RING.

So before you excuse all the sins of fandom, both RPF and regular fiction, with "what the hell do you expect, realism? these are just our fantasies" - naw, that's not what I mean at all. Reread what I said.

A boring, incomprehensible, unrealistic RPS fic is like a boring, incomprehensible, unrealistic Mary Sue. Sure, it's your personal fantasy. But don't be surprised if I'm bored shitless by it or say it's badly-written. Muses and Soulbonds are not exempt from the need for editing and plotting.

The hurt that keeps on giving.
Velvet Venus
ficbitches
Fake :: Shame
Reviewed by: Velvet Venus


SCORE
PLOT: 2/5
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5
WRITING: 3/5
SNATCHING DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY: 10/5

Fake is a manga that will always have a special place in my heart. It was one of my first true yaoi-oriented fandoms and I've always loved the series. Not only was the developing romance interesting, so was the plot. So, every so often, when I feel like abusing myself, I'll wander back over to Fake archives and find horrifying things to read (think of Leather Daddy's relationship with TPM, only with no mpreg). Now, there is one particularly prolific author whose stories seem to have become rather popular among Fake fans. I had quite a time trying to pick just one specific story to ficbitch. She's written so many and it's like a field of gold. There was the Mary Sue tries to rape Ryo story, the Cal becomes an all-knowing sex advisor for Dee and Ryo story, or the story with the satanic homophobe detective. I was really tempted to pick that last one; it had some spectacularly bad lines like, "Too fast for you, Baby? S'okay. Don't worry. I shouldn't have given you a taste of sex college when we're still in sex elementary," and "Dee's cock was in seventh heaven, drooling, begging, pleading for a good hump in the ass it was buried in."

So you say to yourself, Fake is a canonically yaoi series, you can't bitch about how out of character the pairing or characters are!

How wrong you are, my dear readers.Collapse )

NOTE FROM LEATHER DADDY: Sorry for the long hiatus. This is a shameful confession, but, uh...we have lives. However! I am working on my next review. O-tanoshimi ni, to give you your fangirl Japanese for the day. As for the ficbitch t-shirt designs - no, we haven't forgotten about them, and we're still collecting them!

And one final note:

Leather Daddy: what is it about the greyarchive? is it like a silent dog whistle for deviants?
Velvet Venus: that would explain why you're going through it XD

My stomach feels better!!
Ficbitches
ficbitches

The Legend of Zelda :: Burning for You
Reviewed by: Gunstar Heroine


SCORE
PLOT: 1/5 (PWP)
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5 (Link has asexual tendencies, Zelda is an evil bitch, and Ganon is now the sexiest thing in Hyrule. Right.)
WRITING: 2/5 (Knows grammar, punctuation, and most spelling, but this does not stop the PURE CHEESE within)
HUNGER INDUCEMENT: 5/5 (It's magically Link-a-licious!)

There's many different types of badfic out there. Some make your head hurt. Some make you angry. Some make you wonder what drugs the author does on a regular basis. And some make you want to flee away from the computer screaming and begging dear God never to make you see such horrifying things again.

Then, there's that special subcategory of badfic which is just, in some way or another, so completely out there that you simply CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. Yes, it's awful stuff, but it's awful in a thoroughly amusing fashion.

My pick of today, Burning for You, is one of those fics. From the minute I first glanced upon the text, I realized that this was going to be nothing short of concentrated hilarity. At first I thought it was a joke fic, but no, all indicators seem to point to the fact that this author was trying to be serious, inadvertently making the whole thing even more comical.

Let's take a look at this very special work, shall we?

A wise man once said, 'the best comedy is unintentional.'Collapse )

keepin' you satisfied with a guest review!
Ficbitches
ficbitches
FFX :: Scratching the Surface
Guest-Reviewed by VoidStar

SCORING:
PLOT: 1/5
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5
WRITING: 1/5
INEXPLICABLE VILLIFYING OF A MINOR CHARACTER: 10/5

VoidStar here--semi-longtime reader, first-time Ficbitcher. But as a great lover of bad fanfiction, it was probably inevitable that I'd give it a shot. I hope you all enjoy this effort!

Beware a few Final Fantasy X spoilers and a poorly-constructed lesbian relationshipCollapse )

Pornography As A Snack Cake.
Ficbitches
ficbitches
Final Fantasy 8 :: Whatcha Gonna Do With A Cowboy?
Reviewed By: Lunar Love


SCORING:
CHARACTERIZATION: 3/5 (yes... and no.)
PLOT: 2/5 (the setup requires plotting; the rest requires merely porn)
WRITING: 4/5 (well-written. very well-written indeed. squirm.)
CALORIES IN A MASS-PRODUCED CREAM-FILLED GOLDEN SPONGE CAKE: 150/5

Extraordinarily belated greetings from our new Lair of Ultimate Evil on LiveJournal, O Gentle Reader! Or so some would have it, and certainly I have nothing better to do than wear black leather and cackle evilly with my compatriots while digging my long crimson talons into the quivering gelatinous souls of helpless teenaged girls. Gelatine makes nails strong and healthy, you understand.

Alas, however, today's review is not a simple outpouring of spleen (although both you and I do so enjoy such things). No, indeed, today I grant you a rare glimpse into what makes Lunar Love tick. Aren't you the lucky one?

There will, of course, be spoilers for Final Fantasy 8 contained herein. By this point, spoiling Final Fantasy 8 is akin to spoiling 'Little Red Riding Hood': if you actually find someone who is genuinely surprised that Red and her grandmother survive at the end, or that Squall and Rinoa find Twoo Wuv, capture them in a net and keep them under glass, for they're a rare creature indeed.

Tick, tick, tick, tick.Collapse )

Where's the beef?
Ficbitches
ficbitches

Skies of Arcadia :: Help! I'm Stuck In a Box!
Reviewed by : Gunstar Heroine



PLOT: 0
CHARACTERIZATION: 0
WRITING: 0
SUBSTANCE: 0
(This whole fic is like some weird sort of zen exercise, I think.)

One of the most irritating trends on FF.net recently has to be the "randomness" fic. I'm sure you've all seen this sort of thing: the author spews out assorted nonsensical garbage that's accumulated in their brain, which has nothing to do with anything whatsoever, and then attaches characters from an established series to it.

Today, I'm finally bitching one, just to get the message out to people that THESE THINGS HAVE NO POINT AND CONTRIBUTE NOTHING TO YOUR FANDOM OR TO THE INTERNET IN GENERAL. Not to mention they're supposed to be funny, but 99.9% of the time just leave readers wondering why they bothered to read it in the first place.

This fic is (mercifully) short but incredibly annoying in its mere existence. Just think, if all the time and effort spent writing all these exercises in stupidity were spent on writing a REAL fic with good stuff like plot and characterization, ff.net would be quite a bit less painful than it is now.

This review contains some minor Skies spoilers - but this amazing fic contains *absolutely nothing!*Collapse )

Sailor Moon :: Reflections (At A Tori Amos Concert)
Leather Daddy
ficbitches
Sailor Moon :: Reflections (At A Tori Amos Concert)
Reviewed by: Leather Daddy


PLOT: 0/5 ("Raye" and "Serena" go to a Tori Amos concert. And uh...discover they're in love.)
CHARACTERIZATION: 2/5 at best (See Raye drink! Drink, Raye, drink! See Serena leer! Leer, Serena, leer!)
WRITING: 3/5
SERENA ON A MAD QUEST FOR BOOBS: 7/5

For this ficbitching, I thought I'd try something a little different - a yuri fic. For those of you who aren't up on your fanfiction slang, this means that thar be lesbians ahead, arrr! If you don't like that, I suggest you skip this review.

But for the rest of you, come on in, and try not to laugh.Collapse )

Fun for the whole family!
Ficbitches
ficbitches

BADFIC SCAVENGER HUNT! W00T!


For almost two years now, we here at SttH have been been the bringers of pain with some of the most boring, incomprehensible, and all-around dumb fics out there.

Now, we want you to bring the pain to *US*. And share with others.

Thanks to the wonders of Livejournal and their superb comments system, we can now hold little diversions like this game. Today, we present the very first Ficbitches Badfic Scavenger Hunt!

Here's how to play:

- We give out basic concept for fic.
- You remember something you saw earlier, or if you're really masochistic, go searching for such fics, and then post them here for everyone to read, comment on, and probably recoil in horror from.
- When posting, you post link to fic and what category it falls under.
- Posting a different example in a category someone's already found a fic in is perfectly fine and, in fact, encouraged. That way we can cross-mock. Er, I mean, compare.

Not all of the ideas we are giving are horribly awful, but may be things that go against stupid fanon characterization/stereotypes. Also note that these are NOT invitations to actually write some of this stuff. If you do, we'd have to kill you.

And now, let the MASS HURTING begin!Collapse )

STREET FIGHTER :: Bóku wa yuku nó wa iyá da
Leather Daddy
ficbitches
Street Fighter :: Bóku wa yuku nó wa iyá da
Thank god for C/P...
Reviewed by: Leather Daddy


PLOT: 1/5 (Ryu sits on a step for a while until Ken forgives his sorry ass and lets him back inside the dojo)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (Ken got a back-alley sexchange courtesy of Shadaloo, probably, and Ryu's masculinity is in question as well)
WRITING: 4/5 (Not bad, gotta admit that much.)
MARTIAL ARTISTS ACTING LIKE HYSTERICAL DIVAS: 6/5

Before we begin, a sample conversation between the FicBitches.

* Leather Daddy is getting so tired of reading these snape-apologist fics
[Leather Daddy] especially when he all of a sudden is a handsome vampire.
[Velvet Venus] or just randomly attractive? despite him being so NOT attractive in the movie and deliberately described as unattractive in the books?
[Rebel Toy] maybe some people think "greasy" means "shiny with love."
[Rebel Toy] like fabio.
[Leather Daddy] that's why! XDDD
[Gilded Fantasy] We figure Snape's scalp secretes lube
[Rebel Toy] o.o
[Leather Daddy] So next are going to be the scalp-fucking fics?
[Velvet Venus] XD
[Gilded Fantasy] XD
[Leather Daddy] well, I mean, you could hold onto the hair, and...
[Rebel Toy] so when he's having sex with hermione he rubs his head in her hair pie?
[Leather Daddy] wait, let's just not go there, okay?
* Leather Daddy snorts mountain dew out through her nose, OW!
[Leather Daddy] goddammit, [Rebel Toy]!

There's something wrong with us.

But I maintain that something is even more wrong with fic writers.Collapse )

?

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