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Naruto :: Get Out Of My Head!
Leather Daddy
ficbitches
Get Out Of My Head!
Reviewed by: a somewhat hung-over Leather Daddy


SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5 (Bizarro-Neji and his wood for Hinata, the mistress of innuendo and double-entendre! The laughs never end!)
PLOT: 2/5 (Um...there's a plot...in the loosest sense of the word...)
WRITING: 3/5 (You needs a spellchecker and a better grasp of punctuation, precioussss)
DELIBERATE EXPLOITATION OF PEOPLE'S LOVE OF ONLINE PORN TO WHORE FOR REVIEWS: 10/5

I will never post a story without spellchecking and a looking over by my beta.
I will never hold my stories hostage for reviews.
I will never abandon a story.
I will never post anything I honestly think is no good.
I will treasure every review I get, and treat both praise and honest criticism with the consideration they deserve.


I was trolling the pit of voles looking for Naruto fic. You see, when I get really bored, only stupid ninja hijinks can help - and usually the "stupid" is unintentional. However, there are many fine Naruto fanfic authors, and one of them had this disclaimer in their author information. I practically wept with joy when I read it, for it's five commandments that EVERY online author should consider, no matter what their fandom. (Sadly, I can't remember whose disclaimer this was, so if you know, step up and claim your prize.)

However, as you may be aware, there are many terrible Naruto fanfic authors. Naruto, for those not into anime/manga, is a series about a brash young ninja who swears to come back from childhood prejudices against him to become the head of his ninja village. Cue lots of training, battles, pointless machismo, and really fucking stupid names. You know how silly it is when fanfic authors try to come up with original characters, and always use a dictionary to look up a name that means something like, "beautiful silver blossom?" The author of Naruto took this one step further and made just about every single name in the manga painfully bad.

Take the main character, Uzumaki Naruto. A Naruto is a kind of spiral fishcake that you put in ramen. "Uzumaki" means "spiral." Unsurprisingly, Naruto's favorite food is ramen. This is, as a friend put it, not unlike having a main character named Filet O'Fish. Who loves McDonald's. (You're on my hitlist too, Takeuchi Naoko.)

A quick and dirty LIST OF SHAME:
Haruno Sakura: Cherry Blossom of the Spring
Hatake Kakashi: Scarecrow in the Field
Uchiha Itachi: I am a Weasel (you cannot imagine my face when I heard what Sasuke's mysterious evil older brother was named.) *
Umino Iruka: Chicken of the SeaDolphin of the Sea
Yuuhi Kurenai: Crimson Sunset

* NOTE: I'm aware that an "uchiwa" (団扇 )is a fan, and that the Uchiha have the fan as their symbol, but I checked, and his name is written うちは, which to me just suggests that Kishimoto was making an extremely dumb layered pun.

You see how ridiculous this is? NARUTO IS NOT MEANINGFUL, PEOPLE! IT'S EXACTLY THIS STUPID!

*pant, pant*

I'm sorry, it's just both hilarious and frustrating to see people drool and wank over Naruto as if it's anything more than your standard shounen coming-of-age story…with ninjas. It's lots of fun, but if you suggest it's anything new or original or especially meaningful most of the time, I'll just laugh. (The same goes for Fullmetal Alchemist, but that's another rant for another day.)

Anyways, on to the fic. It was recommended to us by some of our fine readers over at sonps, who have already expressed their horror at this fic. I would like you to keep in mind that as of this reading, this fic has 633 reviews.

First off, NO FLAMES PLEASE! If you don't like the story, then don't review. My weak heart cannot take the abuse of flamers.
I do not own Naruto nor will I ever…I do wish that I did though!
There will probably be some grammar mistake so don't hate me for it, please.
Lastly, please review. I live for reviews!


I'm sorry, but the first line and the fourth line directly contradict each other. You say that you live for reviews and encourage reviews...and yet you say that if we don't like it, don't review. BZZZZT! Sorry, it doesn't work that way. I can understand not wanting to be flamed, but you'd better learn to live with reviews. Again, this is an OLD RANT. We'll move on.

This is a Neji x Hinata story, which the author informs us repeatedly that she won't change no matter what we say. Okay. First of all, I am wary of "pairingfic" - namely, fic that only exists to have Character A and Character B be in LURVE or have CRAZY MONKEY SEX. Usually that means that any kind of greater plot gets thrown out the window, other characters are turned into bizarre caricatures of themselves (either they goad the characters into getting together, or are evil monsters out to keep them apart), the unfortunate main characters have their personalities warped like pretzels so they'll behave in whatever fashion the author thinks is romantic...you get the idea. I'm as guilty the rest of you; I have my pet pairings that I like to read pairingfic for, but honestly, most of it sucks for the reasons I just mentioned.

Another supposed wrench in the works for this story is the fact that Neji and Hinata are first cousins. This makes people scream "OH MY GOD INCEST!!111" either in delight or horror. Personally, I don't see the big deal; if they were siblings, that'd deserve the warning, but cousins? They have never been really close, there are many reasons they've never been equals or interacted much...Neji spends most of the early part of the series actively hating and resenting Hinata...yeah.

Before we go on, let's briefly describe our protagonists:

Hyuuga Neji: A talented ninja, but part of the Branch Family of the Hyuugas so his forehead is marked with a curse seal that he keeps covered at all times. Basically, if he makes anyone from the Main Hyuuga family mad, they can do something and essentially make his head a splode. He is very bitter about this nonsense. Transfers his wangst and hate onto the person of Hinata until he gets beaten by Naruto in one of the numerous fights in the series and then starts the slow process of learning not to be a fucktard. He's the cold, stoic, bitter genius type.

Hyuuga Hinata: The future heir to the Hyuuga family; a meek and timid girl who spends her time stammering, hunching her shoulders, hiding, blushing, touching her forefingers together. Probably could be a decent ninja if she grew more of a spine. Was quite intimidated and frightened by her openly hostile cousin Neji but still tried to be civil to him.

You get the general idea here? Spineless and Bitter. Now, I'm actually quite fond of this pairing, and I've read several fics which slo-o-o-o-wly work their way into the pairing, playing on Hinata's essential kindness and capacity for forgiveness, and Neji's extremely understated and repressed ways of expressing emotion. You know, it's one of those "melting the iceberg" things. But my god, what the hell happened in this fic?

Neji was walking towards his house in a painful stride. His body was aching for the fifth time today. He wasn’t aching because of training since his wounds where taken care of by his sweet cousin. He wasn’t aching because of sickness because he was as healthy as a horse.
He was aching because of someone, more specifically, a girl, but not just any girl.


So Neji's waddling down the street like he's been kicked in the nuts...

The girl whom unknowingly cause his “discomfort” didn’t even know that she caused these strange yet pleasant feeling in him. The girl is pure, innocent and beautiful and she didn’t know that half the male population has a major crush on her.
She is sweet, kind and unbelievingly sexy.
‘Not to mention that her innocent touching cause a rise out of me. She caused this, the vixen…the minx, or should I say Hinata.’ He thought as he made his way towards the bathroom.


This is the sex-kitten in question. If you want to see what our bow-legged blue-balled KILLER NINJA looks like, uh...well, this is the least-freaky picture I can find of him, and it's for a pairing comm on DA. Oh dear. Apparently Hinata had the temerity to offer to bandage some of Neji's wounds. For the entire rest of the fic, Hinata will make some kind of (innocent?) double-entendre, and Neji will mentally respond in bad pickup lines. Seriously, what the hell? Neji, do you think any of those lines would WORK if you said them out loud?

HINATA'S INNUENDO NEJI'S MENTAL MACK
“Turn your head please. I want to take care of your throbbing head.” ‘Which one?’
“Alright, but if you need me, or if your body starts to hurt again, come to my room. I’ll make sure to take real good care of you, Neji-kun.”  ‘I’m sure you would, Hinata-chan.”
“Try not to overdue it in your next mission, Neji-kun. You needed to conserve your chakra for other important task. You might not know when you need it.”  ‘Yes, I should conserve my chakra for a more important task. Maybe one that involves me with you in my bedroom.'
"Don’t worry, I’ll have you up and running in no time."  ‘You don’t know the half of it.’
“Where are you going? You can’t leave yet. You have to let me finish you off.”  ‘Did you have to say finish me off.’
"Now pull down your pants. I want to take a look at it.”  ‘Take a look a what, I wonder.’
"You have to let me see if the area is infected. I don’t want you to get swollen or anything.”  ‘To late.’
“Neji-kun, are you going to take it off or do I have to do it myself?”  ‘Hm, I seem to remember that one of Kakashi-sensei’s porno stories beginning like this.’
“Do you want some help into you pants?” ‘No, but you can help me into yours.’
Totally unsolicited: Those are some nice curves that I wouldn’t mind taking a ride on.’
Totally unsolicited: ‘I could just imagine myself slapping that [badonkadonk].’
Totally unsolicited: ‘I wonder how your hair looks, draped across my pillow.’
Totally unsolicited: ‘[Her nightdress] looks nice on her, but I bet it would look even better on the floor.’


This is just from the FIRST TWO CHAPTERS. And it DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER. The author says in her notes: Also, there is a lot of sexual innuendos and hentai thoughts in here so be prepared for it. Oh, I'm prepared for it all right, but it's just not clever or in-character, that's my problem!

Neji apparently got flattened under the speeding Mack truck of puberty, because no matter what Hinata does, he's got a dirty comment to make. Thank god he keeps all of this to himself, because it crosses the line from flattering interest straight into full-blown creepiness.

As Neji walked towards the door, Hinata ran and stood before him. She put her hands on her hips as she shook her head at him. She didn’t notice how that little move caused her delicate breasts to bounce, causing Neji to inwardly moan.

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You realize that that's the mental image I'm getting, right? She's so flat that to make her boobies bounce, she'd have to do that. >3

Neji stared down at Hinata as she settled herself between his legs. He remembers how a few of his fantasies involved Hinata there, but of course she was doing a lot more then just tending to his leg. He once again felt his groin tighten at the thought. He moved the pillow a little closer to his lap.
“Why do you have my pillow on you lap, Neji-kun?” She asked as she stared into his pearl eyes.
“I felt that if the pain was too great that I could just clinch the pillow instead of my thigh.” He said honestly.


This is actually a pretty smooth excuse for covering up his boner. Nice one, Neji-kun! By the way, according to this fic, Neji calls his boner his "little buddy." I want you to imagine Neji saying that in all seriousness, and try not to kill yourself laughing. Anyways, Hinata gives Neji a friendly kiss on the cheek at the end of all this, and Neji turns it into a tonsil-hockey session, grinding against Hinata and making her notice his erection. Hinata, surprisingly, does not faint from embarrassment or scream and run, but finds the kiss quite nice and is rather thrilled that she turned Neji-niisan on enough to make him hump her leg like a desperate puppy. Neji calls Hinata "Hinata-chan" out of the blue, which is just...what? You don't jump from "Hinata-sama" to "Hinata-chan" in the space of seconds, no matter how bad you want to bone her. What if she a splodes your head, Neji?? What then???

“I’ll come to you tomorrow to change my bandages, Hinata-chan. Make sure you’re awake by the time I get there, or I might take advantage of your vulnerability.” He said as he stopped in the middle of the hallway.
“Of course, I mean that in a good and pleasurable way.” He said as he continued to walk back towards his room.


Oh, like that wasn't TOTALLY CREEPY, NEJI. If I were Hinata, I'd smile and nod and back away from my cousin who's threatening to molest me, and then come back with some ninjas for a beatdown. Or, you know, just a splode his head. I think that's going to be my solution for every weird, creepy situation Neji puts Hinata into in this fic.

Also, one of the things that really bugs me about this fic - that a lot of authors do - is the fact that they have to break the flow of the story to point out that this is a flashback, or that there's a missing scene you can email the author for, or whatever. I don't need to have something saying **FLASHBACK** or **PRESENT TIME** in most stories - what do you think this is, a silent movie that needs dialogue cards held up? For example, in the next chapter, Neji goes to wake up Hinata and starts sucking all over her like some kind of demented octopus/Dalek, while she reveals to him that she had an erotic dream about him.

1) How is it that Neji of the Branch House can just WALTZ INTO THE HEIR'S ROOM and start groping and making out with her first thing in the morning? Aren't there guards? Isn't he in an entirely different building? I know he's a ninja and can probably be pretty sneaky, but when everyone in the clan has the ability to literally see through walls, Neji's little booty call probably wouldn't go unnoticed.
2) ...Neji has Roman Hands?
3) ...Hinata has erotic dreams...and TELLS PEOPLE ABOUT THEM?

‘My body feels funny.’ Hinata thought as she felt warmth gather in the pit of her stomach.
“Why don’t you tell me about it then, Hinata-chan.” Neji said as he licked Hinata’s collarbone.
“…I don’t think I should.” She said as she tried to move her body away from Neji’s.
‘He sure is taking a lot of liberties.’ She thought as she found herself unable to move away from him.
‘Little Hinata is scared I see. I should calm her a little.’ He thought as he sat up and pulled her into his lap.
Hinata blushed when she found herself sitting on Neji’s lap, while he held her around the waist. Her dress was ridding up her leg so she tired to move the hem of her dress down, but the dress wouldn’t stay there. Neji took this opportunity to lay his hand on her creamy, bare thigh.
He stroked her thigh, while kissing her forehead.
“You should tell me everything, Hinata-chan. By confining in me, I would be able to help you and vice versa.” He said as he smiled at her red face.


Doesn't this sound like a pedophile with a five-year-old? A SPLODE!!11

And while all this is going on, we get:
In Hinata’s Dream
(This is were the lemon would be if I was allowed to write it.)


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What? Don't do that! A skillful writer can skim over the omitted scene without feeling compelled to mention that it was left out, because, honestly, a blow-by-blow of Hinata's wet dreams is unlikely to be essential to the plot or flow of the story. Like a skilled seamstress, an author can sew together the two ends of the scene without making you really notice that there was something taken out. Then, if they want, they can put a note at the end that there's a lemon version of the chapter on AFF or MMOrg or what have you, go there for it.

And then, we have our cunning ploy to get reviews:

Note: I wrote a lemon for the dream sequence so if you want it, review and give me your e-mail address in the review. Remember that lemons have sex in it so don’t give me your e-mail address if you don’t want to read them.

You saw what I said up there about holding fics hostage for reviews? And that it was bad? SHE'S HOLDING PORN HOSTAGE FOR REVIEWS!

If she really wanted to share her porn with the world, she could have always uploaded the fully porny version of the fic on AdultFanfiction.Net or mediaminer.org or any of a number of places. I'm sure there's a "Hyuugacest" site out there willing to host it. She could also ask her readers to just email her for the porn. But no, to get the porn, you have to review.

Checking her profile...

1. Get Out of My Head!
Naruto - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 22827 - Reviews: 622
2. Why?
Naruto - Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1674 - Reviews: 17
3. Because Sasuke Only Means Sasuke To You
Naruto - Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1366 - Reviews: 22
5. You Scratch My Back, I'll Scratch Yours
Naruto - Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 33325 - Reviews: 326

...see a certain pattern emerging? Now, author, I'm not picking on you, I'm just saying this is terribly poor form and smacks of trying to artificially inflate your review numbers. I've offered a couple sites where you can upload your adult-rated fiction and provide a link for your readers. Then again, this author has already stated at the outset that they're only really interested in positive, ego-stroking reviews, so...

Well, upon skimming some of the reviews for the other fics, all I can conclude is that people's porn standards are low. "omg so kyoot r u gonna continue???" for a Sasuke x Hinata fic where they end up groping each other in a movie theater?

*sigh* Anyways, this ROMANTIC INTERLUDE is broken by Naruto throwing rocks at the window to invite Hinata to go to lunch with him. Hinata wants to accept, but Neji grabs her ass out of sight of Naruto and announces that he's going to chaperone them.

“Hinata-chan, I wanted to ask you something, but I didn’t think it would be good for me to call you since your family is sort of…overprotective. Especially your weird cousin.” Naruto said as he rubbed behind his head.
‘Weird? He calls me weird?’ Neji thought as he leaned against the wall beside Hinata where he knew Naruto could not see him.
“Ask him what he wants to ask you about.” Neji said quietly to Hinata.
“Naruto-kun, what is it that you want to ask me?” Hinata asked as she tilted her head in an adorable manner.


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Naruto is actually the most in-character of all the people in this fic; everything he says seems like something he'd say...assuming he were talking to Hinata in a see-through nightie and her creepily touchy-feely cousin. Neji uses random fangirl Japanese ("baka" "dobe") to refer to Naruto. They go out for ramen (of course) and at the ramen bar, they meet...

Hinata and Neji turn their head to see Sasuke staring at Hinata. Naruto notice this and got up from his chair to stand in front of Hinata.
‘Damn Sasuke! He probably here to ruin my date with Hinata! Ever since he found out that we both liked her, he has been trying to get closer to her more then usual.’ Naruto thought as he glared at Sasuke.


So, Sasuke's...in love with Hinata too. Again, this is so totally random because this character's only concern is REVENGE!!11 and BECOMING THE STRONGEST!!1 Then again, Sasugay's probably in love with Naruto and doesn't know it. The series get amusingly homoerotic at times. Sasugay's two biggest fangirls show up and drag Sasugay off with them, and Neji and Naruto hiss and spit at each other over Hinata. Then Hinata starts eating ramen in an erotic fashion...

...yes, you can reread that sentence...

The noodles in Naruto mouth swayed back and forth, causing some broth to fly everywhere. Some drops of broth hit Hinata’s face and fingers. Neji would have yelled at Naruto, but Hinata did something that made him speechless. She moved her fingers towards her mouth. Her small pink tongue darted out to lick each of her fingers. Neji watched as her tongue flicked up and down each finger until the broth was completely gone. After that, her small tongue darted out to slowly lick around her mouth to catch the broth droplet that splattered on her.

[Leather Daddy]  [Neji] HAWWWWWWWWWWTTTTTTT
[Gilded Fantasy] I think Neji would have smacked naruto without really processing that he was smacking naruto.
[Gilded Fantasy] it's one of those instinctive things.
[Leather Daddy] dude, this neji is like a creepy youth pastor, though
[Leather Daddy] he's like, "why don't you sit on neji-niisan's lap and tell me about all your dirty, dirty dreams, hinata" *reaches up her see-through nightie*

Neji’s Daydream
(This is where the lemon would be if I was allowed to write it)


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You see how annoying that is?

Anyways, in the NEXT chapter (sheesh) Hinata goes to the head of the Hyuuga clan and asks Daddy if she can move out of the compound. “Daddy, I need to learn how to survive on my own. I need to know that I’m not dependent of the Hyuuga’s. By living on my own, I can teach myself to be independent. Anyway, since I’m working at the hospital, I might be coming home late and I don’t want to wake the whole household when I come home.” Hinata explains as she places her teacup on her saucer.

This might be plausible if she were an teenager going away to college and not, you know, the sheltered heiress of a ninja clan. Also, Hinata does not call her father "Daddy" or cling to him and give him puppy-eyes to get her way. She's very shy, and her father's kind of disappointed in her for being so timid and weak. However, Daddy tells her that not only can she move out, he's going to foot all the bills, get her a nice place, and get her a proper roommate. She skips off, and Neji slinks in and says that he wants to move out too.

“Hm…Hinata asks to leave as well.” Hiashi said as he scratches his chin.
“Did she?” Neji said in fake surprise.
“Yes. I would ask for you to stay with her, but it would be inappropriate seeing as you are male and she a female.” Hiashi exclaims as he sips his tea again.
‘Damn it! I thought he would ask me to live with her.’ Neji thought.
“Is she living alone?” Neji asks as he pours some tea for himself.
“No. I told her I would find her a roommate. Preferably a woman who is strong and would protect her.” Hiashi said.
“Hm, well, how do you know if the woman can be trusted? At least with me, you know that I would protect her quite well.” Neji said calmly.
Hiashi continues to scratch his chin in thought.
“You are correct with that fact, but how can I have you stay with her without any vile rumors spreading around. Even if you are her relative, people will think dirty thoughts.” Hiashi said sternly.
After a few minutes of silence, Hiashi finally stares at Neji.
“You would have been a great leader of the Hyuuga clan, Neji. Too bad you are not my son…but I believe that there is a way for you to live with Hinata and be my next heir.” Hiashi said as he got up from his seat to walk towards his desk.
‘What is he talking about?’ Neji thought as he too got up from his seat to stand in front of Hiashi.
“Neji, I will like for you to do me a favor. I want to arrange a marriage for you.” Hiashi said calmly.
“Arrange marriage? I will have to decline, Hiashi-sama.” Neji said as he felt anger pour into his body.
‘No way in hell is he going to marry me off to some bitch I don’t even know.’ Neji thought angrily.
“Let me finish. If you agree with this arrange marriage, I will take off your curse seal on your forehead. All I ask is for you to marry the girl of my choosing.” Hiashi exclaimed.
“I’m sorry, but I have to decline, Hiashi-sama. I don’t want to marry someone I don’t even know.” Neji said calmly.
“Ah, but you do know her, Neji. You’ve known her for almost all of your life.” Hiashi explained.
Neji gave him an incredulous look.
“Who?” Neji asked.
“Hinata.” Hiashi said.


What...just....what? Where did "I'm moving out" turn into "Marry Hinata"? Anyways, Neji stalks Hinata to her apartment, announces that they're getting married, he loves her, she loves him, blah blah blah blah. “We are engaged now, Hinata-chan. Whatever we do is perfectly alright.” Neji said as he began to unbutton her blouse.
Their First Night Together
(This is where the lemon would be if I was allowed to write it)


OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKES!

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Hinata fell asleep dreaming of Neji and her walking across a moonlit beach, as Neji fell asleep dreaming of Hinata and him making love over and over again.

Hahahaha! That sentence is just so...telling...oh god, I can't stop laughing.

The next morning, Neji is about to teach Hinata how to ride the baloney pony by sitting in his lap, when they are interrupted by Naruto and Sasuke visiting Hinata's new home. Neji takes the time to totally rub their faces in the fact that he's Hinata's new fiance and that he's taking advantage of the fact to get his freak on. They leave, and...uh...

Shower Time Fun
(This is were the lemon would be if I were allowed to write it)


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They eat dinner, and...

Something Else to Eat
(This is where the lemon would be if I could write it)


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You see how utterly wearying this is? Anyways, Lee comes to visit and is struck by how sexy and alluring Hinata is. What the HELL? How is Hinata suddenly the hottest piece of ass in Konoha? Anyways, for some reason, all the main characters end up going to a hot springs for no purpose other than to gossip and probably trigger more sex scenes.

“Um…he’s…well…and it’s…you see…” Hinata stutters while blushing.
“He must be fantastic to make Hinata lose her sense of speech.” Ino said as she giggles.
“Yeah. By the looks of him, he is probably wild in the sack.” Sakura said as she giggles as well.
“He has to be with that gigantic package he has.” Ino states as she has a dreamy look in her eyes.
Hinata blushes at their conversation.
“Ino, how do you know that he has such a nice package.” Sakura asks as she stares at her blond friend.
“Just look at it. Even in it’s flaccid state, it’s huge. Don’t act like you don’t look Sakura. I see the times when you drool when he training in only his tight pants. You do the same thing with Sasuke-kun.” Ino said knowingly.
“You got me. Hey, I’m only human.” Sakura exclaims.


I take a look at my enormous penis, and my troubles start a-meltin' away o/~

Hinata and Neji use their byakugan (special ability to see through walls) to leer at each other in their respective gender-divided pools. Oh, dear god, if I only knew that magical ninja abilities were created to facilitate porn...unless you're Jiraiya. Then again, I knew that, because I've read a couple of fics with completely unorthodox uses of the sharingan. Kakashi and Jiraiya make cameos in this fic to also be TOTALLY STUNNED BY SEXY HINATA'S HOTNESS. Then Hinata, startlingly, initiates the next...

Hot Spring Fun
(This is where the lemon would be if I could write it)


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The lemons aren't the only time she uses the completely unnecessary breaks; for example, take the beginning of chapter 8:

Inside Neji and Hinata’s Apartment

Neji woke to the sound of birds chirping outside his window. Opening his eyes, he could see the sunlight peek through the blinds beside the bed. He reaches over to the side but encounters the cool sheets where his fiancé should have been.
Sitting up, he notices a note attach to her pillow. He takes it and read it.

Hinata’s Letter

Dear Neji,
I left to go to the hospital at 4:00 a.m. and I wont be back for a while. I made some breakfast for you. It’s in the fridge so heat it up when you’re hungry.
Love you,
Hinata

End Note

‘So she wont be back for a while. What should I do till then?’ Neji thought as he sat on the bed with a thoughtful look.
‘Maybe I should do something…romantic. I can’t help but feel that she is still question our love for one another.’ Neji thought as he remembers what happened at the hot spring yesterday night.

Flashback
(This flashback is from the lemon in the last chapter)


And so on. Ouch.

You know what? I can't read any more. I'll sum this up right here.

GOOD THINGS:
  • Um...well...I did like how Naruto was characterized in his brief appearance.
  • The writing's better than many fics I've read in the pit of voles, I'm very sad to say.

    THINGS THAT COULD REALLY USE SOME IMPROVEMENT:
  • Even if this is "just" a lemon fic, it needs to be run through a spellchecker and also proofread carefully. There's a lot of misspelled words, as well as homonyms that a spellchecker won't catch.
  • The tenses of the writing switch wildly, sometimes within a single sentence. Is this present-tense? Past? What's going on? It'll affect how you conjugate your verbs.
  • The characterization, um...you may want to reconsider it. Even if you want assume that Neji has miraculously worked through all his issues by the age of 18 and Hinata is sexy and confident at that age as well, the way those two would get their freak on is probably quite different than, say, Kakashi-sensei and Kurenai-sensei.
  • Don't fish for reviews. To paraphrase Field of Dreams, "If you write it, they will come."
  • Um, Neji's aggressiveness comes across as creepy lechery, especially since it seems so uncharacteristic of him.

    The author of this fic said something interesting in chapter 4: Just so you know, this story is basically a smut story. You know, sexual situations and stuff like that. I’m the type that wants for the characters to have affectionate touching without having to go through twelve chapters before they actually notice each other. That is just wasting my time.

    I know that many people agree with this, and indeed, PWPs can be great fun. However, the fics with sex or romance in them that I remember and enjoy the most are the ones that, indeed, go through the twelve chapters of plot/characterization/relationship establishment before there's any porn. Not that I think instant lust is a bad thing, but especially in the case of characters that are not canonically in a sexual/romantic relationship, ESPECIALLY if they're your typical "WTF" pairings in the pit of voles, I LIKE to be talked into the pairing. Make me buy it! Buy me roses, take me out to dinner, give me some foreplay, so to speak! Make me really want to see them FINALLY get it on! Why the hell are they so horny for each other that they have to jump each other in broom closets?

    How do you readers feel? Am I the only one who likes being talked into the pairings before they just randomly jump each other?

    Now, for a first! Since I've done this fic, I'll suggest some Neji, Hinata, or Neji x Hinata fics that I do like. They're pretty different in style, but all at least TRY to make a reasonable case for their pairing without totally raping characterization...except for The Family Business, which is parody anyways. >D

    Rosemary for Remembrance
    The Family Business - I hurt myself laughing. This is how you can have "Neji" and "porn" in the same sentence.
    Learning How To Breathe
    gravity

    Got any others you want to suggest? When I need Naruto fic that doesn't hurt, I usually check naruto_recs, Sacred Scrolls, or Forbidden Scrolls.

    ADDITIONAL PIMPING:

    limyaael has written up a bunch of excellent Fantasy Rants which are very helpful for aspiring fantasy authors...as well as your average fanficcer. Read away!

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    You don't say, Hinata! :D

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    A HA HA HA HA HA HA~! *dies laughing*
    i think your comments were the only redeemable things about that entire story...

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