Slap to the Head Fanfiction! (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} ficbitches) wrote,@ 2003-07-04 20:34:00 |
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My stomach feels better!!
The Legend of Zelda :: Burning for You
Reviewed by: Gunstar Heroine
SCORE
PLOT: 1/5 (PWP)
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5 (Link has asexual tendencies, Zelda is an evil bitch, and Ganon is now the sexiest thing in Hyrule. Right.)
WRITING: 2/5 (Knows grammar, punctuation, and most spelling, but this does not stop the PURE CHEESE within)
HUNGER INDUCEMENT: 5/5 (It's magically Link-a-licious!)
There's many different types of badfic out there. Some make your head hurt. Some make you angry. Some make you wonder what drugs the author does on a regular basis. And some make you want to flee away from the computer screaming and begging dear God never to make you see such horrifying things again.
Then, there's that special subcategory of badfic which is just, in some way or another, so completely out there that you simply CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. Yes, it's awful stuff, but it's awful in a thoroughly amusing fashion.
My pick of today, Burning for You, is one of those fics. From the minute I first glanced upon the text, I realized that this was going to be nothing short of concentrated hilarity. At first I thought it was a joke fic, but no, all indicators seem to point to the fact that this author was trying to be serious, inadvertently making the whole thing even more comical.
Let's take a look at this very special work, shall we?
Basically, this fic's biggest problem is adjectives. Mainly, the fact that there are WAY WAY TOO MANY. There's nothing wrong with detailed description in a story, but when the descriptions get so long-winded that they bore the reader and interfere with the progress and pacing of your story, it's a Very Bad Thing. That's why I See Dead People is so infamous amongst our little group.
But this is only HALF the problem, the other half being that the choices of adjectives and descriptions this author made are simply mindboggling and often conflicting. There's so much confusion in this fic's descriptions: is link the most beautiful, thin, pale-skinned uke boi in the universe or is he a MASCULINE MANLY MAN? Is Ganon a strong, evil conqueror or a man who gets all teary-eyed at the thought of hurting his sworn nemesis' feelings? I don't know, and despite reading this thing over several times I still can't figure it out. All the descriptions here share one trait, though: Sheer over-the-top ridiculousness.
In fact, I noticed one very common factor among the descriptions and actions in this fic: many, many of them have some reference to food, tastes, and/or eating. I know sex and sex acts can be described with food/eating metaphors... but seriously, reading this is enough to make you hungry for Strawberry Creme Link a la Mode. I even went so far as to actually count how many such references were in the fic. My approximation is forty-one. That's... a lot.
Of course, this isn't the only thing going against this work: there's bad characterization and laugh-out-loud unbelievable plot bits too. But the descriptions, and reading through all of them, is what makes this piece the inadvertent work of comedy gold that it is.
So, let's get started already! We begin about where the end of Zelda OoT would be occuring, but being a semi-AU fic, this isn't gonna be any normal happy ending, nosiree!
His hair, spun gold, flaxen silk pressed beyond value; his eyes, great sapphires, cool and mute where they examine my broad chest uncompromisingly; his lithe muscles, eddies of cream flesh whirling and rippling to unblemished art, all of which are never to be lost within my fevered brain.
That sentence alone should be enough to prove my point about the adjective overuse: there's just so many of them that it's difficult to figure out just what sort of point the author wants to make. That and hearing muscles described as EDDIES OF CREAM FLESH (haha) is a little distracting.
Nayru was, most certainly, a goddess of love, lust, and all things masculine, just to craft with trembling slips of holy hands that tender bulge hiding beneath sweaty, dirty flannel... He reeks of maleness, his perspiration a spicy wine, the musk of his determination utterly intoxicating...
...and the beginning of our in-sentence contradictions. Nayru is indeed a goddess in the Zelda mythos, but I must say it's pretty hard to imagine a GODDESS representing MASCULINITY. Maybe Nayru's been a drag queen all along.
When the author says he reeks of maleness, does anyone else conjure up the scent and image of a fat, unshaven redneck, sitting in the trailer drinking a beer and giving off fumes as he watches the big game on TV? Maybe it's just me.
So yeah, that's the first paragraph. Trust me, it only gets better... er, worse from here. After all, the fic's about to start up with all the eating imagery. Oh boy.
My pallid tongue dabs at suddenly-dry lips, for wonder of his nipple's flavor. "Link..." the voice slipping betwixt them is husky, rumbling, but my opening remarks fall flat upon his glacial eyes. Conquest of Hyrule's verdant lands seem apathetic now, and I seek only conquest of those glossy lips, to taste soft gum, glistening enamel, and candied tongue...
Rebel Toy: "for wonder of his nipple's flavor." <-- milk-flavored candy isn't popular ONLY in Asia! :D
Ganon's willing to forget that whole conquering Hyrule business to concentrate on imagining a hearty dessert of Link Meringue Pie. Mmmmmmmmm, tasty.
From here, there's about three or four paragraphs which describe him walking toward Link, and are dragged out to such length through excessive use of adjectives. I especially like this one:
Boot-tip touches marbled floor, just as crimson robe scrapes gratingly incandescent shards glaring sunset against the indifferent torchlight.
Y'see that? Apparently the annoying shards are staring angrily at the torchlight, who's sitting there saying, "Eh, screw it. I need a beer." Somehow I don't think the adjective and verb choices here were the best. They weren't even NECESSARY.
Reading on, Ganon ogles Link some more and thinks about his sweet, chocolatey filling. He wants to say something to Link, but stops. Why? Because he is too proud of himself, that's why!
No! Never! Much renowned of gorgeously Arabesque countenance and eyes of scorching copper, one could easily argue my being quite the pretty thing for all my masculinity. My taut figure ripples the cool waters of all things male, just as the cinder lengths of my hair fall gleaming and pleasing towards both sexes. I am not so easily affected by beauty, of any kind, for I am the very pylon streaking across loveliness' polychromatic sky! I am a seducer, no mere toy of Nayru or any 'love god'.
So according to the author, Ganon is SO SEXY that neither man nor woman can possibly resist his studly, studly bod. For those of you who haven't played OoT, here's what Ganon looks like in the game.
DAY-YAM. What a sexy bitch! I am SO TURNED ON that I am MELTING IN MY SEAT AS I TYPE. Who out there wouldn't want a piece of his hulking, crazed, greenish manliness?
RT: "My taut figure ripples the cool waters of all things male" <-- .............. *dies laughing*
RT: DUDE
RT: THIS HAS TO BE A JOKE FIC
GH: It's not.
RT: THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A REAL FIC
RT: I WILL NOT BELIEVE IT
Just away from his reach's furthest extent, I cross my arms and laugh deeply, bemusedly, and utterly hollowly, for, despite all my arrogant talk, I very much would give anything to enter his smooth, creamy buttocks, to chance bursting the brazen pebbles of his nipples in my appraising pinch. "I mean not... any... ill intent," I pause, so as to keep from stammering. "I meant only..." My cheeks burn.
"You meant only...?" the question hangs still in the dust-choked air, his legendary blade still trained towards my downcast eyes.
"I meant only to love you."
Now Link's a Twinkie. Gotta love that SMOOOOOOOOOOOTH CREAMY FILLING! Of course, one could say that he'll have some other smooth, creamy filling very soon, too... *rimshot* Pop-the-brazen-nipples sounds like it would make a killer new party game, too.
And guess what? Underneath that shell of a crazed evil villian, all Ganon wants is WUV. Everybody knows villians are only evil because they don't have a little boy-toy to call their own.
OK folks, just to prepare you, we're going to read something here that will probably make you fall out of your computer chair laughing. Be sure you fully swallow that last swig of Moutain Dew, cause-
"You've grown these past seven years, kid," I tumble through speech, attempting to, in some small way, assume a modicum of the old confidence. "I admired your spunk, I'll admit it... But now..."
"But now, I'd rather taste your spunk than admire it."
BAM. Where the HELL did that come from? We go straight from ogling Link's impeccable, confused "masculine" frame to suddenly declaring that "I want to guzzle your cum, boy!" Amazing!
"No..." Link mutters, rationalizing all-too-late, "I-I... Zelda... I've fought so long for her..."
...my throaty whisper into the elven-tipped lobe of his hear are capped with the most affectionate of kisses, "How has she thus far repaid you, huh? Hiding from you behind a mask! Stealing seven years of your life!"
"I am the evil before you; she is the evil behind your back... Which of us will you embrace?"
Going through other Zelda yaoi, I've noticed that Relena-ization of Zelda as an evil controlling bitch who wants to destroy Link's true love for whoever is a VERY common theme. Even when Link is paired with a now-male Sheik, who actually IS a disguised Zelda in canon. Um, right.
The silence following is unbearably long. My fevered mind races at his wordless, pained expression... Perhaps I've been too rough? Perhaps I were to make him weep? How could I ever, ever hope to repay those busted sapphires, the iridisence forever crushed, his dreams forever snuffed? How could I ever hope for love from one such as him?
Take a moment to remind yourself that this is GANONDORF here. You know... ruthless, evil, power-hungry king of theives? Yes, and he's now DEATHLY AFRAID that he has hurt Link's PRECIOUS FEELINGS.
But guess what - Link gives him a smooch! He loves Ganon now! Why? Who cares! Time for hot monkey sex!
...the boy-child clasping to my side represents Hyrule's final conquest, the frigid bitch Zelda's ultimate ruination, and the overall glory of former foes.
As for Link, beloved Link, flaxen Link of azure eye and sweaty skin, his dusty travelling clothes have long since been stripped and cast away, as have all my thick armor and torn leathers. I stand towering before him, the two of us naked before each other, our masculinities throbbing, expecting...
Take special note of the descriptors used above, and what has come before. Link is a boy-child, albeit a very sweaty, musky, masculine boy-child who is SMOOTH AND CREAMY, just like butter!
Dropping to one knee, my hungry lips seek his palm and linger there, reluctant to ever part from that curiously supple and creamy flesh. Nevertheless, my husky voice chokes out the words, "Link... I would yet have you for a bride... I beg of you on stooped knee, before Nayru, most devious of the goddesses, to recant our sworn rivalry, and wear my ring." Wrought within that iron circlet is the Gerudo seal... MY seal, placed upon all those in my service, of my propriety...
The first sentence speaks for itself, really - by this point in reading I've got a hungerin' for some frosted brownies. Moist and creamy, just like Link!
But read on and see that... THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED IN AN IMPROMPTU CEREMONY. This is because they have REALLY DEEPLY LOVED EACH OTHER ALL ALONG and only recognized it about 5 minutes ago.
Sooner or later, I suppose, Link and Ganon will be lying in bed together watching the evening news and wearing their new, reforged Gerudo heart-shaped gold wedding rings. (I wonder if they'd have hyphenated last names, too?)
The brine of his sweat is as candy to my indfferent tongue; his broad, powerful shoulders seem as though a rounded maiden's, just as his winded breaths seem more a maiden's than a warrior's.
Yeah, so, um... remember all those times the author described Link as "masculine" before? Forget all that, because now they're "married" and somebody has to be the girly uke wife. Which is Link. So, in a mere paragraph Link goes straight from musky male model to a maiden with a "manhood."
I lowered myself upon his dream-like face, my lips tracing the smoothness of his eyelids, the power of his throat and chest, the sweetness of his abs and navel, in which I swirled my pallid tongue, then scooped into my torrid mouth his pulsing member, chancing a suckling stroke against his flawless helm, proceeding down his average but excellent length hungrily.
Boyfriend: Yeah, baby, what do you think? Pretty impressive, huh? I bet you're... pretty impressed.
Girlfriend: Oh my. How... average.
Boyfriend: A... average? You mean... I'm only...
Girlfriend: Wait, you're still EXCELLENT, really!
Boyfriend: *cries*
My ministrations, though newfound, are inherently expert, and he spends himself within my thirsty throat in a matter of minutes, surrendering both to unparalleled ecstasy and the cool, sweat-soaked sheets, biting the tip of his forefinger to keep from screaming his love... All his affection pours forth in my name, "Ganondorf..."
I remind him eagerly of his husband's dire need, and, with little hesitation, his legs spread wide in welcoming his lover, his master. Asking softly after his safety at the length of my piece, he firmly shakes his head and squeezes about my waste with his own strong thighs, prompting my entrance and my hands siezing upon his chest and brazen nipples, the only darkened spots on his otherwise-unblemished figure.
Wait, these ministrations are newfound, but I thought Ganon was such a desirable piece of man-meat that no guy could resist him? Everything this story said before seemed to indicate that he was very experienced before this. Make up your mind already, fic!
But we now also see their relationship spelled clearly out for us: Ganon as big beefy controlling "husband" seme and Link as the doeful, soft, fluffy-textured-with-pudding-in-the-midd
It's "waist," BTW. That misspelling can give a particularly disturbing image.
Building up, as before, a steady rhythm, it pains me to see him biting back his cries, to see him clenching sheet and pillow, whatever softness could still the massive, horned thing pumping away inside of him, but eventually this does little to stem my lust, my arid passion, as it builds faster and careless, bringing with it the wails of my partner, slamming him gently into the bed with each quivering thrust.
Wait - so Ganon's penis has HORNS? I know there are dildos ribbed with all kinds of weird and scary shit, but that's the first time I've ever heard of a true penis with such, erm, attachments.
Oh God. This fic is making me think of what Ganon's schlong looks like. I need to bake my head in the oven now.
Also, he is GENTLY SLAMMING link. Can anyone think of a time when something, anything, has been GENTLY SLAMMED?
I collapse upon him, my seed spilling fruitlessly throughout him, whilst his emptied, half-
hardened stickiness spasms the last of its juice against my belly... Recalling my stupid, stupid play at him, my undermining of his feelings, the very reason that he cast Zelda aside and fled into my arms, tears begin to well up, and I draw him near me, kissing fatherly the forehead nestled up at the crook of my neck.
"I'm sorry..." the words come, strangled mercilessly in a sob. "I didn't mean..."
He shushes me, a finger to his glossly lips, sweat fraying his golden locks and pasting our hair together, as our faces are merely inches apart... "Ganondorf, I... I love you..." the words are whispered alongside a satisfied (although pained) earnestness.
Touchy-feely!Ganon returns, but I'm not sure why, exactly. It seems like he's feeling sorry for toying with the feelings of his sweet little ice-cream boy. Not like things like that ever bothered him in the past, when he was EvilConqueror!Ganon. But he's CRYING. GANON IS CRYING. Seriously, can anyone picture Ganon crying sparkly emotional tears without, at the very least, giggling like an insane schoolgirl?
Pressing him to me, I can recall little else of our first night, save only that we fell under sleep's spell in total bliss, complete fulfillment, and unparalleled happiness. Though I consider myself certainly the 'husband' in our relationship, he branded me just as much his with those four little words than did all my yearning, all my bravery in my approach, and all my cleverness in stealing him away from Zelda. I shall always burn for Link for his caring, scalding brand, just as he shall always burn for me. Love, I believe, is a fiery thing, though the most satisfying of all my endeavors, with Link both my favorite conquest... and conqueror.
The two were just absolutely MADE for each other, don't you agree? I feel like I have something burning in me too... indigestion from all the snacks this fic made me want to eat. Ugh. Seriously, this sort of yaoi simply can't be part of a healthy diet.
Well, that's a good portion of the fic, but there's a lot more descriptive silliness I didn't include. For the best experience, click the link above and read the whole thing from the beginning. Preferably with friends, and maybe even a wee bit of alcohol.
I realize that maybe a few of our loyal male readers out there might not be fully able to appreciate the hilarity of the preceding work due to a general disinterest in yaoi. Well, that's perfectly understandable, I can symphathise. So, for your further amusement, here is another work of PURE COMEDY. This fic is an ESL lemon based on DoAX, in which Zack spontenously turns into a beast capable of producing "lech monsters" and tentacles, then kidnaps all the DoA girls and makes his island over into "Rapeland." While looking over this thing, I had to stop and remind myself MANY TIMES that this was not a jokefic. Then I got up to the part about Zack's "penis-zilla" and I almost collapsed from laughing so hard. Yes, this fic is also VERY SPECIAL.
As for closing comments on Burning For You... well, at least Link wasn't screwing NES-era Pigman!Ganon. Now THAT would be enough to make me upchuck my tasty wafers with extra Link in the center.
