Final Fantasy 7 :: Chocobo Nights

Final Fantasy 7 :: Chocobo Nights
Review by: Gunstar Heroine


SCORE
"PLOT": 0/5 (Ha!)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0.5/5 (I'm being generous and giving a half-point because Tifa is a bit of a hobag)
WRITING: -1/5 (Almost as painful as the fic itself.)
HOT LESBIAN SEX LEADING INTO INTERSPECIES MATING: 6/5 (HELP MEEEEEEE MY MIND IS MEEEEELLLLLTIIIING)

It's been far too long since my last review. As a result, I have all this pent up bitchiness inside of me just waiting to be released. This review's gonna be lengthy, but also (hopefully) entertaining. So sit back, relax, grab a snack, and hope whatever you eat doesn't come back up while we look at one of the most horrid pieces of fanfic yet to grace this page.

Before I start this review, I want to mention two things:

1. We, the ficbitches, have absolutely nothing against femslash/lesbian/yuri fics. In fact, we quite enjoy reading well-thought-out and well-written yuri. Hey, if we can read fics about two male characters being warm and fuzzy with each other, we can read fics about girly-love too! (We're big on equal representation of tastes and preferences, here.) Unfortunately, most yuri, especially on shoujoai.com, is simply fanboy masturbatory fantasy, putting characterization and writing second to pointless sex acts. Some may say that, as a heterosexual female, I am in no position to judge yuri fics. I say to them: bad fic is bad fic. Period. It doesn't take someone of a particular orientation to know shit when they see it.

2. I played through all of FF7. I am familiar with the story, characters, and gameplay. However, I did not particularly enjoy the game. I do not believe this inhibits my ability to judge fic based upon it. (In fact, I've read some FF7 fic I thought was better than the actual game itself. Mind you, these fics were extremely rare occurences.)

I was given the link to this particular fic from Pink Freak, who I'm sure feels quite smug now. (PF: Hell yes I do.) You see, Pink Freak and several other bitches are fans of the Persona series, and a while back I gave them a link to a Persona yuri fic involving the one and only HAND-CRUSHING HOO-HAH OF DEATH. They were ill for weeks after that. A few months later, they led me to this. I am thoroughly convinced they intended handing this fic over to me as some sort of sick revenge.

How bad is this fic, you ask? I had previously read a VF4 lemon fic that sent me into convulsions - it made a bastardization of the game's setup, turned a favorite female into a cum-guzzling hobag who would fuck any character she came across, and had total disregard for any established game story/characterization. Horribly painful stuff, that.

I am a huge VF fan. As stated previously, I am not a FF7 fan at all. And yet, this fic made me weep far more than even that godawful VF4 lemon. That's truly an accomplishment.

Anyways, enough ranting about how Chocobo Nights caused me physical pain while reading it, on to the bulk of the review. This fic is a story in four parts: I'm focusing this review on the second part. I didn't read the third and fourth part. After suffering through this, I didn't even want to speculate as to how the series could possibly become any more irredeemable. The hideous writing alone would damn these fics to one of the upper circles of fanfic hell, but combined with the actual content, they're cuddling up right next to ol' Satan himself.

I did, however, endure Cellmates, the first story in the series. Allow me to summarize so that you can completely avoid it: Near the beginning of FF7, Everyone is captured by Shinra, and Tifa and Aeris are put in the same prison cell. Aeris talks about how much she loves Cloud, and Tifa gets insanely jealous. This provides an excuse for the two to be unbelievably OOC (At one point Aeris calls Tifa a "bitch" - anyone who sees THAT ever happening, raise your hand), molest each other, and run around Shinra HQ totally naked. At some point they decide they are madly
in love with each other, and Tifa starts calling Aeris "Honeybuns." And I thought lame pet names for romantic interests were mostly a slash-fiction thing. (Blueberries, anyone?)

It also features this amazing line of dialogue:
"That's the last time I think with my pussy!"
Wow, I've heard of guys' "thinking with your cock", but this is the very first I've heard of vaginal thought processes. Why the hell don't I know more about this?

Anyways, Aeris gets taken in by Shinra, but Tifa and the others somehow escape. This allows Tifa to weep over her lost love. Oh, the pain.

As Part 2 - Chocobo Nights proves, the pain for us readers is only just
beginning.

Seiji has spoken before about bad author's notes at the beginning of fanfiction and how it usually gives an indication of how awful the fic will turn out to be. You know you're in for a winner when this is the first thing you see:


This is how i display conversation

talk         "..."
whispering  "(...)"


Before we start, you should read "Episode 1 - Cellmates" to actually Understand what's going on here. If you don't, you'll get confused and give yourself brain failure.


WARNING: ACTUALLY READING FIC WILL GENERATE SAME EFFECT.

The gang of Tifa, Cloud, and others are currently out meandering the countryside. Tifa is preoccupied with moping over Aerith. They have been
walking for a long time, when suddenly, they notice a building in the distance. It's a Chocobo Ranch! Maybe they can get transport there! They then meet the leader of the ranch, who is reluctant to give them anything for a price they can afford...

"Listen, can't we work out something?" "I'm sorry sister, no deals." "What do you mean, NO DEALS!!!!" "Calm down Tifa, this is going no where. What's your name anyway?" "I'm Sally Jane Johnson, but people around here call me Chicabo!"

Uh oh! This author has just hit one of GH's pet peeves: Major use of an original character in fanfic! Bad, bad ficcer! Little did I realize that this would only be one of the fic's minor offenses. Also, notice how the dialogue is completely clumped together with no attempt to differenciate who is saying what. I can't tell if two, or three, or even four people are talking here. This happens CONSTANTLY.

Upon asking Chicabo where the nearest inn is, she tells the group it's a day's walk away. Tifa is about ready to panic when Chicabo offers to let them stay the night. They accept, but Tifa is suspicious and unsure if something is going to happen. Well, it's a lemon fic, so... DUH.

We are then "treated" to a brief flashback of Aeris being subjected to tests at Shinra. She is of course, naked and being molest0red in the process. Rufus, being the prick he is, watches on in glee.

Rufus looked at Aeris' face as she tried to bear the pain of having pipes shoved up her pee hole, vagina and ass.


NOTE TO AUTHOR: it's called a urethra. Using "pee hole" makes you sound like you're 10 years old. Of course, judging by your amazing "grammer" and writing ability, I wouldn't be surprised if you were.

Aeris cries out to Tifa, who, because of the bonds of their love, can hear her perfectly back at the ranch. How cliche.

Everyone there has a campout, and they all fall asleep until only Tifa and Chicabo are remaining. Tifa tells Chicabo what happened earlier, and Chicabo sympathizes. She then leads Tifa to her room, giving her a quick smooch before she leaves. Whoa, there's really clever foreshadowing for you! Tifa decides she is going to sleep in just her bra and underwear, making it much easier for her to get naked later on. I always thought she went braless, myself...

It doesn't take long before Chicabo hops into the room and suggests she and Tifa have some "Nighttime fun." Besides the obvious hints from beforehand, Tifa has no idea what is about to happen. Dude, she's not THAT dense.

They go outside, and Chicabo tells Tifa to wait for a few minutes. She comes back wearing her birthday suit and bearing two Chocobos.

Tifa couldn't keep her eyes off Chicabo's pubic hair, it had been shaved into the shape of a Chocobo's head. ... "Why are you naked?" Chicabo walks over to Tifa. "You silly honey, don't you know there's no better fun than Nude Chocobo Night Riding!!"

Do I smell wacky lesbian hijinks? Why, yes I do!

They both get on their Chocobos. The second her pussy touched the Chocobo's soft furry back, Tifa got really aroused. "AHHHH OH MY ...." "(Shhhhh! Quiet, don't wake the guys!)"

Jeez, does Tifa have a hair-trigger or what? NOTE TO GUYS #1: It usually takes a least a little while for a girl to get aroused. It doesn't just happen instantaneously. There's hormones and stuff involved, you know.

So two two go off riding around naked on their Chocobos, and Tifa really enjoys it. Well, I guess to each their own. Some people get a kick out of streaking and skinny-dipping, so I suppose nude Chocobo riding would have some appeal. After they finish, it's a fast and awkward transition as they immediately decide to have lesbian sex with each other. If you call what this author has written "sex", that is.

"Do me! Please..." Said Tifa lustfully. "Do me HARD!"

"What.. ever.. you.. say.. Honey!" Chicabo spreads Tifa's legs and pokes her fingers into her vagina. "OH YEA!" Chicabo then begins to pump hard with her hand, feeling all over the inside, reaching the womb sometimes. "OHHHHH... YES YES YES YES YES MMMMMM...... DO ME! DO ME! DO ME! AAAHHHHHHHH.......AH AH AH AH AH AH... I'M GONNA I'M GONNA I'M GOING TO... OHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M GOING TO CUM.... I'M I'M OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


Seiji also wrote a bit about how words like "erotic" and "sensuous" should never be used in sex scenes. I think we should add "lustfully" to that list. (And if you haven't been to Seiji's site, The Bitchcave, I highly recommend it, even if you're not a big IniD fan - I'm not and I still enjoy it.)

Also, what's the need for writing out all of Tifa's moaning noises during sex? It doesn't look EROTIC, it looks STUPID. You can just write something like "she cried out ecstatically" to save space and face.

Chicabo got up and mounted Tifa in the 69 position.
"Now, we do each other!" Chicabo plunged her thung into Tifa's cunt.

Try as I might, looking through dictionary.com and other sites, I could not discover what the English word "thung" meant. Apparently it does not exist. I thought that maybe for flavor the author might have been using words for some strange foreign language to look cool, like so many fanauthors do for Japanese. However, searches in Spanish, Portugese, French, German, Swedish, Russian, Thai, Arabic, Korean, AND Farsi all yielded nought. Anyone have any idea what on earth a "thung" might possibly be?

By the way, didn't Tifa tell Chicabo about Aeris earlier? Isn't Chicabo concerned about having sex with a girl who already has another partner? I mean, if Tifa and Aeris have such a soulbond that they can hear each other from miles away, don't you think Aeris is going to be a little bit pissed that she engaged in carpet munching with a total stranger?

After they both orgasm (at EXACTLY the same time, purely by coincidence), Tifa comments that Chicabo tastes "different than usual". Chicabo mentions she puts Greens in her vagina on a regular basis. Mmmmmm, random vegetation imbedded in their nether regions absolutely makes girls HORNY, yessiree!

Chicabo then requests that she and Tifa play a game. You see, Chicabo likes bondage. She REALLY likes bondage. She begs Tifa to tie her up really tight, then run away and hide. Tifa gets ten minutes before Chicabo tries to escape and look for her. After being tied up, Tifa runs to the oceanside, and were are given an incredibly badly written description about how natural forces are stimulating all of her erogenous zones. But! Something's still on her mind...

She never felt so relaxed, she was
at one with nature. But this wasn't right, she wanted Aeris to enjoy this with her.

She stopped running and looked at the stars. "(I wish you were here with me Honeybuns, my little Aeris.)"


Nice that you're thinking about her, considering you are currently engaged in sex games with another woman entirely. Or is she thinking about a threesome?

And just as we finish that thought, ooohhhhhh nooooo! Here comes Chicabo, who has just escaped and is riding in on her Chocobos! She lassos Tifa with the rope previously used for bondage and reels her in. She caught her, now she can do whatever she wants! From here on begins the most bizarre "initiation ceremony" I've ever read.

Chicabo gets her razor and starts to work on Tifa's pubic hair. "Mercy! You do let this thing grow WILD!" "Please don't!" Said Tifa desperately, as she struggled in vain to free herself. "Don't worry, it'll look cute!"

Chicabo made her finishing touches, then washed off the foam with sea water. She got a mirror, so Tifa could see. Her pubic hair was in the shape of a Chocobo's head, just like Chicabo's

I'm really having a hard time picturing how one's pubic hair would be made up in this fashion. Is it head-on or a profile? And for the small details, wouldn't you need some sort of really, really small and precise razor?

Now the two are supposed to become "Chocobo Sisters". Uh, yeah.

Beware: Things are about to go from weird to worse in this fic. Prepare yourself.

"Ok.. Now... Go over there, and get on all fours!" "Well....Ok then" Tifa gets on all fours. ...Suddenly a huge furry dick rams up Tifa's cunt, it was a Chocobo.

"AAAAHHHHHHH! OHHHHH! IT'S SO FURRY! OH OH OH OH!"

I don't think I even NEED to comment on the inherent wrongness of this scene, except...
NOTE TO GUYS #2: If a woman is suddenly mounted by a giant beast of burden, I can thoroughly assure you that the first words out of her mouth will most DEFINITELY not be "IT'S SO FURRY!"

Also note that the force of Chocobo jizz is so great that when it comes it shoots Tifa 3 feet away. There's a detail I really did not need.

Chicabo announces that since Tifa has experienced the wonder that is Chocobo Sex, they are officially "Chocobo sisters." The two then spend the rest of the night riding on and spanking each other, which the author thankfully glosses over.

THE END.

... I wish. Amazingly, the most screwed up parts of this fic are yet to come. If the previous bits threatened your sanity, then please flee now, for what we are about to read will most certainly commit you to the loony bin for life.

On the ocean, the sun was trying to break past the horizon. Tifa stirred a little, then some more, she felt some thing weird inside her.
"W.. What's happening to me? I.. I.. OWWWWW!" "W... What is it Honey?" "Th... There's something moving in my womb! OWWWW! Help me!" Said Tifa half-crying.

Oh no. This isn't a good sign.

"Ok Honey, there was a chance of this, but follow my instructions and you'll be ok." Chicabo spreads Tifa's legs and watches her cunt. "Ok Honey, when you feel the urge to push, do it." "Nnnnnmmnnnnnnn Ah! Nnnnnnnn Ah! Nnnnnnnnnnnnn AHHH!" Tifa begins to breath heavily.

Note the author's beautiful written portrayal of birthing sounds. Also
note the not-uncommon jump from past to present tense this fic commonly exhibits.

Something shoots out of Tifa's cunt and onto Chicabo's lap. "W... What was that?" "Congratulations Honey, It's a girl!" "WHAT???!!!!!!!!!" Chicabo shows her a tiny yellow chocobo. "She's.... Mine?" "Yep!" "But... but that's impossible!" "Not many people know that humans can bear chocobo young, it only takes a few hours, they don't even need an umbilical cord.

Yes, you just read that correctly. Tifa has just given birth to a Chocobo baby in less than 24 hours. With no gestation and no umbilical cord.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

As the danger of damaging our fragile brains even more, let's think for a moment. How is this biologically POSSIBLE? The explanation presented here is short and is about as plausible as a description of how a guy carries a fetus in MPREG fics. Someone out there might be saying "But this is a fantasy world, ANYTHING can happen!" To them, I say "TIFA JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A FUCKING CHOCOBO. YOU SIMPLY CAN'T JUSTIFY THAT."

Actually, now that I know this information, I feel quite angry. You see, like most other people who played FF7, I slogged through the tedium that was chocobo breeding. I spent hours loading and resetting, trying to get those damn birds to produce the kid I needed to get the various stupidly powerful, semi-secret, game-unbalancing spells. (And of course you NEED to get them or you haven't REALLY seen the whole game!) Had I known that women can bear chocobo young in such a short time, I'd have just left Tifa or Yuffie at the ranch overnight several times and had her pop out younguns until I got the right one! Damn you, Square!

(BTW, I love how it SHOOTS out of her. I get this image of a woman being used at a fort like some sort of cannon to fire newborns at marauding invaders.)

So, yes, by this point the fic has pretty much reached the pinnacle of FUBAR. Or has it?

Tifa names her newborn Chocobo Aeris (which is more than a little disturbing to me). Aeris makes little chirping noises to tell Tifa that she is hungry. Tifa claims to have no food, but Chicabo points out...

Tifa looked down to see that her breasts were much larger than before. "What the...." "They're full of milk, the same as mine! I gave birth to a chicobo yesterday morning."

Folks, you KNOW where this is going.

Tifa slowly moves Aeris to her left nipple. As soon as she got sight of it, Aeris clamps on, and starts pinching it with her beak, squirting milk, into her mouth. "Heh heh heh! that's ticklish!"

NOTE TO GUYS #3: Having something hard and sharp pinch your sensitive nipple does not "tickle". IT HURTS LIKE FUCKING HELL.

But getting sucked on by a Chocobo newborn just isn't enough to satisfy the ultra-horny Tifa!

"Mind if i have some?" "Sure, suck my tits off!" Chicabo starts sucking on her right nipple. "OHHHHHH OH I love that!"

DAMN, Tifa really IS a hobag. "Let's engage in lactation foreplay right after I've given birth!" The author also decided that just one breastfeeding scene is not enough, we need more!

"Want some farmyard fresh?" said Chicabo pointing her right breast at Tifa.

"Hee hee! I haven't had breakfast yet!" Tifa grabbed onto Chicabo's nipple and sucked with all her strength. Aeris had had enough, and settled to sleep on Tifa's ass. "I don't know about Aeris, but i haven't had enough yet!" She pulled her own left breast to her mouth, and began to suck.

Is anyone else having a hard time picturing what this looks like? Then again, does anyone WANT to picture what this looks like?

Afterwards Tifa comments on how she's going back to half-skimmed milk. Ha! Ha! That's so hilarious I could cry. Wait, I'm already crying from having to endure this shitfest for so long.

We suddenly jump to an undistinguished point in time where Tifa has just made a deal with Chicabo to secure Chocobos for the group. We readers, of course, know why: She's a lesbian slut who engages in disturbing sex acts with random strangers even though she is in love with Aeris. Chicabo asks her for one last favor before they go...

Tifa runs off for a few moments and then comes back. Cloud notices Tifa's breasts have grown bigger since last night. My question is, if they're bigger how the hell does she still manage to fit into that ultra-tight top of hers? Oh, wait, maybe she's still naked. The author never said she got dressed, after all.

The story ends with us seeing Chicabo tied up again by Tifa's doing. In what I suppose was an attempt at humor, Aeris tries to suck on her breasts some more, but by now all the milk is gone, so she just screams as the chocobo youngster tries to breastfeed. Wow, they sure shrank fast with absolutely no explanation. Why am I not surprised?

And it's finally over. AMEN!

I don't think I need to recap what's wrong with this fic. I've already provided enough examples as to how crappy the writing is, how stupid the characters act, and how hideously awful the sex scenes are. Like I said earlier, we have nothing against yuri fics at all, but horrible pieces of "work" like this reflect badly on the genre as a whole.