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Who the Hell Are We?
Just a group of fangirls who have a duty. Our ranks grow in number daily! In order to help you figure out why we might have given a fic the review we did, or to assist you in properly flaming/debating with one of us, here are our pseudonyms and bios. (Note: we do not review our own writing; it's too hard to be objective. However, we may review each other's writing.)
Click on a name below if you want to see all the reviews by that person. If you want to search by series, go check out our Memories page where all of our entries are sorted by fandom.
*** WARNING *** Readers should be aware that this site sometimes posts/links to adult content. We don't post/link "surprise pr0n" randomly out of nowhere, so we trust that if you're reading the text that prefaced it, you know what lies ahead. Please note that if you're not old enough and your mom complains to us -- fuck her. The net's not a babysitter.
I'm always finding the worst fics and purposely inflicting them on myself... and others.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Soulbonds through sex, especially anal sex. Spare me, please. People don't keep their souls where the sun don't shine.
Hates male characters turned into teenage girls, implausible relationships with no justification, OOC, stories that skimp on plot just to get to the smut. Likes parody, UST and smut. XD
#1 Fanfic Peeve: You are the uke, therefore your lose all character traits and turn into a crying little virgin.
Likes: intelligent smut, intelligent comedy, intelligent grammar and spelling choices, intelligence in general. Hates: ...well, everything else. Including you and your fic. Go away.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Any fanfic that has obviously not been spellchecked. Respect your own damn output a little, people.
Hates obvious Mary Sues, OOCness, and overuse of original characters.
Likes: Well-done romance, thoughtful parody. #1 fanfic peeve: Altering a
character's most basic personality for the sake of your fic. If you're going
to use a personality of your own creation, write original fiction, please...
Hates seeing overdone cliches, characters that aren't in-character, and plot holes large enough to stuff the author's entire high school class in.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Fic writers that ignore the established canon without a damn good reason to.
Likes fun smut (and non-smut too) that keeps people in character. Hates many things including crying, JP in English fics, and the overemphasis of virginity.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: after much consideration, probably the usage of Japanese in a fic that is not a JP fic.
Hates crybabies, the inability to use a spellchecker, Mary-Sue characters, and random, unexplained out-of-character behavior. Loves smut (PWP if it's handled right,) cheeze, original fics, satire fics, and comedies.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Mary-Sue characters
Hates mpreg, OOC, fanon, etc. Likes in-character fic, and proper use of grammar, spell-check, and hopefully at least one beta-reader.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Fanon fic. Series/game? What series/game? That only impairs my fic...
Hates complete irreverance for canon and plausibility, out of canon relationships/ romance, angst. Likes well-written serious vignettes, parody and comedy.
#1 Fanfic Peeve: Gundam Wing Yaoi (subject to change)
Hates out of character fics, self insertion/mary-sue fics, lack of character development and plot. Likes: When fic writers use logic. #1 Fanfic Peeve: Those perfect mary-sue characters, my... they're so perfect, why angst?
Reviews by guests and by bitches who don't bitch as often as the others (well, lj only lets you have 10 user icons).
Friday, December 29th, 2006
Subject:
Tales of Symphonia :: Just Let Me Fall
Time:
4:24 am.
Mood:
zombie.
Music:
Ratatat - Epliohunk.
My god, you must have thought we were all dead. It's been something like fifteen months since the last post! I'm not going to make excuses for the hiatus, because I think I made them the last time I posted...in 2005. Well, shit.
As usual we were just sitting around, shooting the shit, when someone wondered why the hell we hadn't posted a review in so long. Rebel Toy and I went back through the archives and spent some quality time laughing our asses off, and then emerged convinced that the reason was that we just weren't funny people anymore. How terrible, to be so young and so unfunny! Also the problem is that nowadays the internets have become SUCH SERIOUS BUSINESS that I bet that instead of just calling us Bin Laden or threatening to sic their internet lawyers on us or just simply fandom-wanking us, I'm sure we'd get a couple of pseudocides and that's just messy and too much hilarity for the newly sober-and-serious ficbitches.
Then Rebel Toy ordered me to check the ficbitches gmail account since she was too lazy to. That way, she doesn't have to feel guilty that there are emails from February that haven't been answered! However, the bonus is that we found some guest reviews. And here's one! Thanks, Queen of Provocation!
But because I don't know a damn thing about Tales of Symphonia, I ran it by the esteemed Magnetic Stain. Judging from her involuntary shudders, this must have been a pretty horrible fic. She would also like me to make it perfectly clear that this fic and review contain some pretty hefty spoilers for Tales of Symphonia, especially for Kratos. So please, don't come crying to me if you didn't read the bold red text. Are we ready?
Hey, maybe this will restore our mojo! You never know! :D
~ Leather Daddy, who still loves you all and might actually answer comments and emails for the next few days!
SCORE: CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (The characters are barely sentient beings, let alone themselves.) PLOT: 1/5 (Remember kids, suicide is painless!) WRITING: 2.5/5 (Not disasterously bad in technical terms, but it's definitely not good.) WILLFUL IGNORANCE OF MENTAL ILLNESS: 5/5
SCORE CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5 (Bizarro-Neji and his wood for Hinata, the mistress of innuendo and double-entendre! The laughs never end!) PLOT: 2/5 (Um...there's a plot...in the loosest sense of the word...) WRITING: 3/5 (You needs a spellchecker and a better grasp of punctuation, precioussss) DELIBERATE EXPLOITATION OF PEOPLE'S LOVE OF ONLINE PORN TO WHORE FOR REVIEWS: 10/5
I will never post a story without spellchecking and a looking over by my beta. I will never hold my stories hostage for reviews. I will never abandon a story. I will never post anything I honestly think is no good. I will treasure every review I get, and treat both praise and honest criticism with the consideration they deserve.
I was trolling the pit of voles looking for Naruto fic. You see, when I get really bored, only stupid ninja hijinks can help - and usually the "stupid" is unintentional. However, there are many fine Naruto fanfic authors, and one of them had this disclaimer in their author information. I practically wept with joy when I read it, for it's five commandments that EVERY online author should consider, no matter what their fandom. (Sadly, I can't remember whose disclaimer this was, so if you know, step up and claim your prize.)
In a sense; I finally crawled out from under my 70-hour workweek and checked our gmail account, only to discover that nobody had checked it for about six months. We're horrible people.
To my joy, however, I found several guest reviews that I will promptly slap up here while I continue gouging out my eyes with this fic. I'm working on a review as I speak...no, seriously! Why are you all laughing? Even better, one of the reviews is by someone we'd previously sporked, so we've got proof that you can have a sense of humor about this. After all, people, it's just the internet.
~ Leather Daddy
Greetings, all. I'm Rann. You may remember me as the author of the fic that Leather Daddy reviewed here... and then you may say "What the hell, freak?! FicBitches reviewed your twisted fic, you're supposed to hate them more than someone with John Kerry's face tattooed on their pelvis hates George Bush! What are you doing submitting a guest review?!"
Well, that would be because I love FicBitches. I've loved them ever since I discovered them via the review of "Pop Goes the Ranma". Hell, I love the review of that, I thought it was pretty damn funny. That fic is something that I'M amazed I wrote, something I just sort of grin and shake my head at... I'm still not ashamed at it, just a little bemused that I wrote it at all, it feels like reading someone else's work.
But my point is, there's anything but hard feelings, and FicBitches has been quiet for far too long.
Now, rather than go trolling for some pour soul's fanfic to jump all over, I thought I'd indulge in a different activity I rather enjoy... cruising FF.net not for bad fanfics, but bad fanfic summaries. Often, the summary is the most jaw-dropping, head-shaking, please-end-my-suffering part of the whole thing. And let's face it... just hitting the summaries appeals to that low attention span in all of us. It also saves one the utter and pure agony of wanting to claw their eyes out at the fic's actual writing, and merely provides that soothing migraine of horror at the simple concept of the fic.
Generally, the best thing to do is hit a fairly small fandom, one that only has a couple of pages of fics, so you can roll through one entire sucky fandom at a go. I did this with Carmen Sandiego fandom, a small show with a surprising number of fics, almost all of them conforming to the horrible fanfiction stereotypes that you'd really expect of a much larger, much crazier fandom.
So, let's try and pick our fandom today, shall we? We need something with a suitable number of fics, probably somewhere between fifty and a hundred, give a few dozen. Anime fandom is a little too easy, and we almost EXPECT all this stuff from it. It's much more fun when the very concept of it makes your teeth grind. So, in that spirit and in hopes of destroying a few childhoods, let's hit the "Cartoon" section.
Aladdin? Too many. (Though morbid curiosity almost compells anyway.) Alvin and the Chipmunks? Sure to be scary, but a bit too few. Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers...? ... So tempting, right number, but then we'd likely just be harping on all the Gadget fics. Ah... AH! Perfect!
Mummies Alive!.
A little-known, weekday-morning nineties show, Mummies Alive! featured the adventures of four mummies with magic armor, martial arts, and cool vehicles protecting their reincarnated Pharaoh. It's like a wonderful list of all that's wacky and stereotypical about American cartoons, but despite that, it was still a FUN series, and I cursed every single day that I was forced to leave in the middle of it to go to school. The characters were amusing, the character DESIGN was cool, and overall it's one of those things you think back to and say "Heh... that was great." Let's see if we can destroy that feeling in 89 fics or less, shall we?
If anyone's still around....(which I'd be surprised to learn)....we're still around. Now, there are a bunch of lame-ass excuses reasons for this long hiatus, most of which you can guess yourself.
"Real life"
"Oh, I am oh-so-busy with school/work, which is why I just wasted 17 hours reading porn online"
"Nonsense, I don't read badfic anymore"
Personally, the reason I haven't posted in forever is that although I still read badfic by the metric fuckton, it was all shitty in the same way. The point of this little hobby was not to make fun of all the badfics for being bad; that's like making fun of every stupid person you pass on the street! It'd never end! Although some fics I tackled for their sheer WTF-factor, because it would be amusing, I honestly tried to pick fics which had problems that a lot of other fics had, that I could talk about in general. A theme, if you will.
So eventually I hit a wall: "Well, I've covered terrible plotting, terrible characterization, Mary Sues, uber-feminization of male characters, thesaurus abuse, etc...what's left?"
But I finally thought of something! Now, to find one of the many characteristic fics and post something. Rebel Toy, I believe, is also pondering something. (Or at least she was this morning when we met for breakfast.)
So, don't hold your breath, but I'll figure something out. (Of course, if you have any suggestions to prod our lazy asses into action, feel free to comment.)
Howdy all, Gunstar here. Yeah, we've been slacking too much, we know. I'm going to be working on getting out another review in the nearish future, so please look forward to it.
Today, we're giving you another fine effort from ficbitch follower Voidstar, for a title from one of the more popular fandoms as of late.
But first, special request from moi: I finished Tales of Symphonia a couple of weeks ago, and enjoyed it a lot. Of course, like any semi-popular RPG, it's bound to have tons of mediocre-to-gawdawful-terrible fic for it. I am tempted to see what's out there, yet at the same time I am wary to have to wade through mountains of wackyrandomfun crap and angsty character poetry to find the really horrible ones. So if you know of any abyssmally bad Symphonia fic for me to savage, give me a link. Conversely, if you know of any *good* ToS fic that is Regal-centric, point me right to it.
I'm expecting a ratio of about 100/1 for these requests.
OK, on with the show!
EDIT: Velvet Venus here to just let you know that we've changed our email, you can now reach us at healingcock (at) gmail (dot) com!
SCORING: PLOT: 1/5 (Poorly thought out post-series scenario) CHARACTERIZATION: -1/5 (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SCAR/ROY, although it's mainly about weird OOC Ed and Al stuff) WRITING: 1/5 ("We laid on the bed correctly"; plus, lots of random Japanese thrown in) BENDING THE LAWS OF SPACE AND TIME FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES: 20/5 VoidStar here again. And I've brought more horrid slash! Aren't you all thrilled? Well, AREN'T YOU?
amused.